This season has been one of limited bandwidth and emotional overwhelm. My fiancé and I have navigated getting engaged, planning a wedding, losing my brother to addiction, looking for new jobs, and slowly moving into the apartment that we’ll share soon. If that sounds like too much, that’s because it is. Each day feels like a minefield, and we may or may not make it across in one piece.
There are occasional miracles of laughter and hope, but there are also a whole lot of nights of fitful sleep and second-guessing the quietness that comes after a crisis.
Grief and financial stress and exhaustion are not great for morale.
As someone who is typically joyful and marked by a lightness I carry with me, I’ve been surprised to look in the mirror and often wonder who I’ve become. I have had to grieve the way this season is aging me. I don’t bounce back as quickly. I don’t let things roll off my back as easily. I don’t rush to fill up my schedule with coffee and lunch dates with friends. I feel myself sitting down more than I’m standing. I feel less shiny and fun and carefree. I dream about funerals and loss and sinking ships.
I know that these weights aren’t going to pull me down forever, but I certainly feel the ways they are dragging me under today.
I’ve been sad and angry and impatient and insecure in ways I’ve never known before. And if I’m honest? Sometimes, I don’t care what it’s doing to the people around me. I know there’s plenty of grace to go around in a time like this, but that doesn’t mean I can let my emotions have free reign in destructive ways.
To be clear, I believe there’s a place for the big emotions living in my head and heart these days. I believe that there’s nothing wrong with pulling a sweatshirt out of the dryer and feeling a knot in my throat. Plenty of times I have heard a song or been in the middle of a beautiful drive and suddenly missed my brother so sharply I could hardly breathe.
We are made to feel a full spectrum of emotions, and having feelings isn’t a bad thing!
In fact, it is good and healthy to be extra tender in hard seasons. While it may feel more like a curse than a gift, every time we cry or process negative emotions with someone, it’s actually helping us heal. We have to make our way through our hard feelings. Bottling them up or ignoring them can create more problems later. That said, letting them spill over in a reckless way can be an issue.
Here’s what I mean: Years ago, a friend shared some wise words that keep coming to mind lately. She said, “I’ve been thinking about what it’s like to be on the receiving end of me.”
Her words were genuine and thoughtful, and they hit me right in the chest. Because while I can be a fun and enjoyable person, I have a whole lot of shortcomings. I can be selfish and unkind and impatient. And when that part of me comes out of my mouth or takes over my attitude? I’m not a joy to receive.
After my brother died this spring, at first I excused my poor behavior or attitude on the basis of grief. And maybe it was fair here and there to do so. But lately, I find myself leaning into that excuse a bit too much. I get short with my fiancé. I get impatient with strangers who cut me off in traffic or don’t move fast enough. I can feel my inner Karen come out over really small things at the store.
When I slow down at the end of a long day and unwind into the familiar rhythms of bedtime, I replay my day — and lately I’ve been met with conviction over the times I was not “slow to anger” like Scripture encourages in James 1:19: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.”
In fact, I’ve allowed my grief to make excuses for why this passage of Scripture doesn’t apply to me. Can I be that honest?
I don’t think we set out to fall into a pattern of sin or spiritually stunting behaviors. I don’t believe we wake up one day and say, “I think I’ll be a bad friend” or “I think I’ll pick a fight with someone I love for no reason except for the fact that my anger needs some place to go.” But in vulnerable seasons, it’s all too easy to let those feelings spill into more space than they should.
It’s not always cut and dry, and I still mistake the anger of grief for the anger of a moment, but I remind myself that I can hand all of it to God.
I can come to Him and ask, “What’s it like to be on the receiving end of me?” and trust that in love, He will convict my heart. Not condemn it or fill it with shame, because that’s not part of our identity as followers of Jesus. But in love, God will bring conviction that says, “Whoa, there. Let’s be careful on this part of the path.”
And even in grief, His guidance will keep moving me forward.
OH,I feel this. My daddy passsed away unexpectedly in January and my MIL (who loved me for 35 years like one of her own daughters) passed in April, also not expected. Our nephew died in May of an overdose and there’s been 2 tons of small and not so small other personal things going on. I have not been fun, nor nice for a lot of it, and grief is weird. Praying for you (as I did when you first posted about your brother), and thanking God that He is in charge and not me.
A friend’s husband was given the cancer diagnosis & told at it’s stage & his age there was no treatment. He was sent home to die within a predicted 3 weeks. He immediately began to pray that he would die well. His faith never waivered & even in the midst of suffering he pointed to Jesus as his only comfort. His widow is now learning the harsh realities of life without her best friend, yet her prayer is that she would grieve well. The God that walked her husband home is now walking her through the mountains & valleys of grief. May we each pray for one another & ourselves that we would rely on our God to walk whatever season we are in well. Blessings (((0)))
What a beautiful prayer. I almost skipped the comments this morning. So glad I didn’t miss yours.
Ruth, thank you for sharing this story about someone praying to die well and someone praying grief well. This is truly empowering.
Hey Melissa,
Thank you for your story. I felt my heart for you as I read your words. Keep sharing your story, it’s helping others in ways you don’t even know. People need the rawness and authenticity that you brought here. I am so sorry to hear about your brother, and I will be praying personally for you this week.
Oh how very much I needed your words this AM. A new day has begun, and I have family and friends that I’m scheduled to meet with and minister to. It’s not been pleasant, I’m sure, to be at the receiving end of me lately due to intense grief this past year in many forms. Thank you for openly sharing your personal journey because it’s exactly what i needed to hear. Im so very sorry to hear about your brother; addiction. My son. I will pray for you Melissa!!
“What’s it like to be on the receiving end of me?”
Excellent question.
Hang in there. Remember to breathe.
I received this email on the heels of the notice that a friend passed away last night around midnight. This is the 7th such notice I have received since Labor Day. It’s a really hard season, and I am praying with you all that I would allow Jesus to enable me to walk this path well. To grieve in ways that would honor Him and lift up others rather than tearing them down. So thankful for a God of grace who is with us in every circumstance!
Dear Melissa……………WOW, just the right words to steer me back into the real me. I have been able to, with the help of Jesus, to stop with the anger. Now the grief is a different story with me. I have been in a dark season for way to long (5 years). I am not usually that kind of person, but this thing that I am dealing with and have for almost 5 years is so heartbreaking, I don’t know how to overcome it. My husband has dementia (the violent) and I discovered it very early and somehow got him to go with me to a neurologist. Testing by 2 doctors both agreed that he had this disease, but they told my now ex-husband, that there was help for him right now. They told him he was lucky that I discovered it and acted with it right away. Alas, he refused to believe them and he flushed all the pills down the toilet and refused to stop drinking. Things got so much worse as he increased his drinking and went into dementia rages every night for 3+ years that I stayed with him. Meanwhile, our one child, a 54 year old man refused to believe me either and eventually cut me off and said I was not his mother and I would never be able to see or hear from my 1 grandchild ever again. First I was angry that he could say these heartbreaking things to me, but things just got worse until 1 night in April, 2022, my then husband tried to kill me. It was then that all the doctors and support groups and the dementia organization said I needed to get him out of the house before he did kill me as there were so many guns in the house and he could do it and 5 or 10 minutes later no longer remember he did that. This scared me so I had to make the difficult, almost impossible decision to do something; however I knew I had to do it. I can’t even imagine what you have had to go through after losing your brother. I will pray for you. It took almost 5 years to get the divorce done because my son just dragged his feet. My husband didn’t even know what was going on as I found out later and I am not even sure he knows that we are divorced. Slowly the anger left me and my mind could forgive them. With so much prayer, and listening to what my Holy Spirit was whispering in my ear I had gotten past that, but the grief was a different story. My heart will just not do that. To have my only family dismiss me hurts me so much and the fact that I have not seen or heard from my beloved grandson who was 11 then and now is 15, I just can’t seem to get out of my mind or heart no matter what all my prayer tells me to do. At almost 78 years old the end of this week, it really starts cutting me to shreds, as we never know when our time comes and do I even have enough time? I know that God works on our life plans behind the scenes and this can cause a wait that scares me so, but I know I can trust God and I just need to keep going back to that, but Melissa, your words and story have given me hope this Monday morning and there is so much more to the story that I cannot write it all, but Bless you for your words and I will save your devotion to keep reading for more support as I live alone and the loneliness sometimes takes over and I have what I call “Sorrow Days” at times where I just sit in my apartment and cry and pray the whole day. I need to get it out somehow which I think your story will help me to do. I send my love and prayers to you as this devotion has started my week off on a hopeful and encouraging way. Mondays are always hard for me. Thank you again……..Betsy Basile
So sorry about your brother. Grief creeps up on us in so many ways. And months later, even if we think we have it all together, it’s like a punch in the gut. This could not be more timely! It’s me in a nutshell. What is it like to be on the receiving end of me- oh dear. I guess this means we are all human and imperfect. Thank goodness for a forgiving God.
Oh Melissa! This is such a hard season for you and so many others! Grief is hard! Be gentle with yourself and I pray that others will be gentle with you too. Keep leaning into Jesus. Sending you and others big, gentle, hugs and prayers ❤️
❤
Everyone grieve differently. Putting demands on it does not work as it will blow up more down the road. Grace is to be given and we all have our turn.
Don’t try to limit grief s as it won’t work.
Thank you for sharing your grief story. As I am reminded, everyone grieves differently. I am in a season after recently losing my Mom. Grief is hard. It’s exhausting. It’s easy to get discouraged. I haven’t really thought about what I am like to others, as I also have others that are grieving and don’t judge them, just know we can share our experiences. We need more empathy and compassion, and that’s hard these days. I can feel forgotten, left behind and unloved. Life goes on even in the midst of our grief. I am constantly turning to God for His Peace and Strength. I pray for all those grieving, as it is hard and it’s important to self care and look to God for our comfort and peace.
Thank you, Melissa. This meant a lot to me.
I am so sorry that there are so many of us grieving over a lost loved one today. My daughter passed away in March and every day I miss her. I understand the moments of sadness, anger and mentally and physically exhaustion. I have to keep reminding myself that she is in Heaven and is finally no longer in pain or fighting yet another infection that requires long term iv antibiotics. She is able to dance and walk normally without a brace. God is good and he has a plan for each one of us. That plan may involve pain and suffering and questions of why. Keep the faith and go forward. Immerse yourself with scripture, good Christian music and friends and devotions like this one. I know this can be hard to do but believe me it does help
turn our thoughts and thinking toward Heaven and not on the bad things we may be going through. God is good and is a wonderful father and he has us in his hands, may you feel his arms wrapped around you now and always.
I hope the following verses are a help to you,
1 Peter 5:10; Psalm 46:1; Revelation 21:4; Psalms 62:5-8; Matthew 11:28. Find a verse that helps you, write it down an post it where you will see it every day.
Remember we all grieve differently and it takes time and grief is not linear- it is like a rollercoaster – there will be good moments and bad. May your love ones and friends understand and realize what you are going through.