My daughter’s friendship situation in high school was, to be blunt, a bunch of crap. Her “friends'” behavior often left me fuming. They’d pretend to treat her kindly one day, only to ghost and ignore her the next. They’d make plans to hang out with her early in the week and cancel the day of. When she’d inevitably tire of their behavior and reach out to new girls, they’d accuse her of acting like she was too good for them.
This hot and cold behavior went on (and on!) within the public school system, which is maddening enough. But when this happens within the context of your church’s youth group, your frustrations level up. Kids who profess to love Jesus all over their social media accounts but in person behave at best unwelcoming and at worst just plain ugly… well, it makes you want to grab a ponytail or two as you initiate some tough-love conversations.
Exclusive, mean behavior can be experienced on sports teams and in school clubs too. Yesterday, my chiropractor shared with me that his freshman daughter struggled to find her people on her high school volleyball team because several of the upperclassmen had a serious mean streak. I told him how sorry I was to hear that as I reassured him that his daughter’s experience isn’t an isolated one.
Ugh, the interpersonal turmoil of high school can be such garbage.
Now, could my own daughter’s experience have been worse? Absolutely. But it could’ve been so much better — she never found her people in high school. Thank the good Lord, though, she did find her people after high school.
If past experiences have you fretting that your beloved child will be lonely this new school year, I’m so sorry. You’re square on my heart, as I know how this can fill yours with anxiety. But as my daughter’s difficult time is now in the rear view mirror, may I, as a mama who has been there, place some hope in your praying hands?
Here are 4 positive things that came from my daughter’s negative high school friendship experiences:
She learned what it looks like to be a good friend. In baptism-by-fire ways, my daughter’s high school experiences honed her friendship-making skills. She learned there are different kinds of friendship, and when a friendship is and isn’t meant to be. Since my daughter was on the receiving end of a lot of friendship-killing behaviors, like fickleness and ghosting, she learned the value of letting her yes be a yes (Matthew 5:37). She also learned how to reach out toward others in friendship instead of waiting on someone else to reach out to her first — a skill that paid off big time in college.
She learned how to process and accept rejection. If my daughter reached out to someone who rejected her efforts, she learned that she didn’t need to take it personally. Oh, it may feel very personal (and all the more when girls who’d accepted her suddenly did an about-face). But as my friend Salena says, rejection is God’s protection against what’s not in our best interest. Rejection is hard and painful, yes. But it’s also an inevitable part of life. It’s something that God uses for us, not against. So, when my daughter was rejected, she learned to trust that rejection from one potential friend meant that God had another friend in mind who would be a better fit for her.
She learned that home was (and is!) a safe place where she’s beloved and welcomed. My daughter was home more than the average kid during her high school years. While I felt sad for her about this, I did my level best to make sure our house was a place where we honored one another in devotion and love (Romans 12:10). Regardless of how friends treated her, she could count on her family to be in her corner. God made her the way she is on purpose and for a purpose, and I wasn’t shy to tell her how thrilled I was that He thought enough of our family to place her within it.
She learned that while friends may fail her, her Friend Jesus never will. Jesus knew what it was to be the friend on the outside (Hebrews 13:12). He knew what it was to be betrayed in epic fashion (Matthew 26:14-18). My daughter learned how to deeply rest in Jesus because Jesus understood how it felt to be lonely even better than she did. She found comfort in His presence like never before.
I’m so thankful to God that my daughter continues to make beautiful bouquets of friends in college and in other places, too. And while I would love for her high school years to have been more friend-filled, God, in His redemptive love, has used that terrible time then to mold her into an amazing woman and friend now. And that benefits her current relationships in ways I never could’ve imagined.
Whatever the age or stage of your school-aged daughter, I pray she has a great start to this new school year. May God bless and keep her and make His face shine upon her by bringing her reliable, relatable, kind-hearted friends.
But if she’s lonely, take heart. High school does end, eventually. And until that time, God is with her in the hallways, lunchroom, and classroom. He’s with you, too, as you pray her through these years.
Find healing from your own friendship struggles and hope for the connections yet to be made in Kristen’s new book, Desperate Woman Seeks Friends.
As a retired school guidance counselor,I have seen this situation play out more times than I can count. It is absolutely heart breaking and I am sorry that your daughter and family had to deal with this- especially in her youth group. But as you write, Jesus was betrayed and understands. How wonderful that you provided a safe, nurturing and sacred space for your daughter. And from what you wrote, she sounds like a strong and faithful young woman. I am sad this happened but grateful you shared this so that maybe it will resonate with another adult who is dealing with this type of situation and will give hope. I guess we all need to keep our eye on Jesus. Seems like the answer to most life’s problems for me at least.
So true! My daughters transferred to public school in 7 and 9th grade . My then middle schooler really struggled to find friends (although she did later make several good ones). My older daughter found her footing in the drama club and made some great friendships too. But it was not easy for either girl to do so.
Then they went to college and found some great friends! So thankful this happened for them.
Thank you for sharing. I would just like to let those that are struggling know they aren’t alone. As a parent it’s incredibly painful to watch your child having to endure this because you have no control over the outcome. You can’t just make it better. My son went through many years of this. Tears at bedtime, questions about why no one liked him. He was always full of compassion, kind, and treated others well. Quite honestly I didn’t understand it either and it hurt. I continued to tell him to stay true to who he was and his people would come. They did! He’s almost 19 now and God has surrounded him with a wonderful group of friends. Relationships that will most likely last for a lifetime. Best of all, they show up for each other. If you’re in a tough place be patient and continue to pray for God to bring your people. He is faithful.
Kristen, this resonated with me, as a mom of girls and as a “lonely girl” in high school and beyond. Yes, I think my daughters have learned to be good friends, and that’s been rewarded with good friendships. Sometimes that works!
Your friend’s word about rejection are helpful to this late middle-aged woman!
Dear Lord, I pray for all of the young ladies (and young men) that you’ll be with them as they start the school year! Help them learn both academically and relationally that God can be in the hard! Give them friends to walk alongside them and help them to bring you glory!
I am devastatedly sad to say that my 34 year old daughter has never found a friend or acceptance in this world. The many years of bullying and rejection ( and yes even in youth group ) has destroyed her and made her too afraid to try to continue a hope filled life. And now she rarely leaves the house. We thought we tried to help her through talking to people in school, church, family and so called medical professionals. We love her so much, but i know now that we failed her and God who gave us this precious gift. She is smart, insightful, funny and so much more, but i guess we didnt know how to make her feel good enough about herself and so she believed the lies of the evil one and society. I hate myself knowing that i am a failure and didnt give my daughter a better chance to know how to handle this and to actually have a thriving life. I will be leaving this world knowing i am a failure and not knowing what is going to happen to my daughter ( we dont have family or money ) I feel lost and wandering around in the desert not knowing how to help her anymore.