Recently, I found a pic of me, all chubby and smiley at 3 years old, standing in front of my cousin’s pool. My cousin’s family and my family lived on the same lane, called O’Neill Lane. Everyone living on that lane had the last name of O’Neill.

As a kid, it felt rather “bougie” to have access to a pool every single day of the summer. At the time, I basically thought we were the Ewings on Dallas.

Note: We definitely weren’t the Ewings. But with a well of extended family that ran as deep as it ran wide, we had wealth in relatives.

What’s more, I had a good number of friends.

At 18, I left O’Neill Lane for the university 50 miles “down the road.” While there, I began dating one David Strong. When things turned serious, we started talking about marriage. Since David was in the process of becoming an officer in the United States Air Force, I knew that hitching my horse to his wagon meant we’d most likely leave Oklahoma.

Sure enough, after marrying, we moved to our first duty station in Ohio. About 10 minutes after arriving, my husband left town for training. I still remember looking out our apartment window and thinking about how I went from knowing almost everyone to knowing not a single soul.

What I know now is that making friends is an art and a skill, and back then I didn’t have much of either. Why would I? Because I’d organically grown up with friends, by and large, I never had to make them. And let me tell you, in those early years of living away from O’Neill Lane, I made mistake after mistake that completely sabotaged my efforts to find new friends in my new state.

Here are three ways I sabotaged my effort to make friends — and how I learned to supercharge my friendships instead:

1. I expected others to put in the work to become friends that I wasn’t willing to put in myself. When I transferred as a senior music major to a college in Ohio, I assumed it would be obvious to those within my small music school that I was the new person. Therefore, I expected other people to introduce themselves to me and welcome me into their circles. I didn’t realize I had to put in the work myself to “go first” in that regard. And while this was hard because it was new to me, it was still easier to do in an environment full of people around the same age and stage of life. The older we are, the harder this is because we have to be more intentional about meeting people. But whether you’re 18 or 80, when you’re diligent to put in that time and effort, you will reap the rewards of a harvest of friendships.

2. I adopted a victim mentality. When my efforts to connect were rejected, I adopted a victim mentality; I coughed up excuse after excuse as to why I couldn’t make friends.

• I can’t find friends here because no one is interested in knowing me.
• I can’t find friends here because people aren’t as friendly as they are in Oklahoma.
• I can’t find friends here because all the people already have their people.

And while some of that was absolutely true (when you transfer colleges as a senior, people do already have their people!), I let those excuses be the beginning and end of the matter. I was like the invalid by the Bethesda pool who wanted the waters to heal him, but when Jesus asked, “Do you want to get well?”  he made excuses. The invalid was genuinely handicapped by his circumstances, but with Jesus, he wasn’t completely helpless. When Jesus told the invalid to “Get up!”, the man got up. I sensed Jesus asking me to Get up! rather than sit on the belief that I was set up for failure. And eventually, that intentional time and effort spent “getting up” and meeting others paid off in friendships.

3. I set sky-high expectations that no human could ever meet. Confession: I used to be a needy friend. This propensity meant that when I finally made a connection with someone, I could bring the “extra” and overwhelm her with high expectations. Not surprisingly, this acted as friendship repellent. But what acts as friendship magnetism? Spending time with Jesus — the only Friend who isn’t deterred by our neediness and wants every last drop of it. When I began to go to Him first with whatever was on my heart, I stopped behaving as if my friend was my savior. When I rested in the security of my relationship with Jesus, my insecurities melted away. And therefore my friend and I enjoyed a friendship of relaxed camaraderie.

In sharing my pitfalls, I pray I help you avoid making your own. What’s more, I want you to understand that there are glorious possibilities that await you in finding friends. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been the mean girl, the needy girl, the shy girl, the nervous or wary girl, or you’ve been the girl who has done the work of both people in a friendship. It’s possible for you to find your friends too.

I’m far from a perfect friend, but by God’s grace, I have a five-star group of friends today. It’s my prayer you have the same. But if you don’t, I ask that you don’t give up. Keep at it, and victory will be yours.

Kristen has written a brand new book on friendship, Desperate Woman Seeks Friends, that releases today! Find it here or wherever you like to purchase books.

 

Listen to Kriten’s devotion here or wherever you stream podcasts. Just search “(in)courage”!

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