I wake up most nights at 3 am, my perimenopause alarm clock working on cue while the rest of my body seems to be going haywire. Sometimes I toss and turn while my mind rolls through all the things I’m anxious about – the dark and quiet of this time of night turn the volume up on my thoughts until they almost seem audible. I look over to see if they are loud enough to wake my husband.
Some nights, I wake and lie there and fall back asleep – a grace. On others, I lie there until I can’t anymore, and roll to the side of the bed to pray or make my way downstairs to journal out my prayers on the family room couch – hoping the release will wear me out so that I can go back to sleep sooner rather than later.
Despite the inevitable grogginess to come, I feel welcomed by the quiet and a fresh glass of water. I always feel like I don’t know where to begin, but once I start — Jesus — the worries come out in the form of words and sentences. I write so quickly that they blend together here and there – I’ll never have to worry about anyone reading my prayer journals because they are practically illegible.
Jesus, I need you. Jesus, I’m weary. Jesus, up again. Jesus, there’s so much weighing on me.
I write, then pause, drink water, and pick at the dry skin on my feet. I used to scold my mom, with the best intentions, and tell her to leave her feet alone; but now I think of her back then, and I get it. Pulling at a piece of rough skin – something that cries out to be smoothed – feels like an easy fix when so many things in my life are looming overhead, too big and too complicated to fix.
We often become fixated on the little things we think we can control when there are so many things that feel the opposite.
I think about Jesus with me and my picked-at feet. I remember how He washed the disciples’ feet and wonder what each of those feet felt like. I imagine Jesus getting up from the Passover table, belly full, surrounded by conversation, perhaps laughter or arguing. Wasn’t He worried about all that was to come and about how many things still felt undone? Did He think about how much His friends still didn’t understand or the depth of pain He was going to feel?
Maybe some of the disciples were trying to prove themselves to one another, or to Jesus. Maybe they wondered if they were spiritual enough, strong enough, smart enough. Maybe some of them struggled to understand why others were in the room. Maybe one of them was known to take too much of the food. Maybe Peter dominated the conversation. Did anyone notice Jesus removing His robe, picking up a towel, and putting it around His waist?
I try to imagine what Peter’s face must’ve looked like when he realized what Jesus was doing and considered his own feet as Jesus bent down before them. Did he stand up? Were his eyebrows raised? I wonder how Peter could miss the point as often as he does. I wonder how I can keep trying to pick away my anxiety and try to cover it up again as much as I do.
Peter protested Jesus washing his feet, and Jesus responded, “Unless I wash you, you won’t belong to me.”
I imagine Jesus sitting on the floor of my family room with our shaggy rug under His legs, in the middle of the night, while the rest of my family sleeps. Would I try to hide my feet under the couch cushions? Would He hold my feet gently, and wipe them clean?
“Unless I wash you, you won’t belong to me.”
Unless you stop trying to prove yourself as useful and right, with all things under control, you won’t wake to your need for Me.
Unless I spend time with your worries, the things you’d rather keep hidden from view — each dry patch, scab, and crack — you will not know Me and receive the depth of My love as much as you could.
Unless I wash you, and welcome you in as you are, you won’t be able to welcome anyone else into My love and mean it.
I wonder how many cracks Jesus found on the feet and in the faith of His disciples that night. Were there doubts of worthiness and their own belovedness? Did any of them try to help Him, instead of sitting still and waiting to receive? What dust and dirt, filth and germs, pain and power, questions and insecurity, did Jesus wash away into that basin? How many times did He have to refill it?
I imagine Jesus going to get our red Welly tin of bandages from the laundry room, picking one out to cover up my small wound, worries, doubts, disappointments, and shame. I picture Him trying to get a bandage out and working to get the sticky side to stick in the right places, and giving into the laughter that follows.
This unique and beautiful piece resonated with me on so many levels it made me cry. I, too, am up again; weary; and deeply in need of Christ’s tender loving care. Thank you for this.
Ditto DT! Beautiful imagery Tasha! It made me float off into another world with your promptings and thoughts. Made my day!
Thank you for those kind words, Laura. I’m so glad you are here.
I’m so glad it met you today, DT. I pray that Jesus and his unmistakable tenderness also met you right where you are today and in this season.
Tasha,
Blessings to you! I too find myself awake some nights. It’s lovely quiet time with Jesus. I shared your devotion (x2) so it will encourage others.
Sending you fall joy,
Lisa Wilt
It’s always nice to know that others can relate. Thanks for your words and for sharing the article to encourage others, Lisa.
Dear Tasha…….I loved your devotion for today, Friday. I certainly can relate to the whole thing. I have had 5 foot operations including having 1 toe amputated as the Doctor botched the operation. I am always picking at my feet and it has become an annoyance. I like you have at least 4 very complicated and serious situations that I am trying to solve to no avail. I will be 77 years old next week and wonder how much longer do I have to get these things done. They all involve legal and I have found that often lawyers can drag their feet, meanwhile I am panicking . I do pray to Jesus and God so often. Here is one prayer that I go to when I am feeling this way: “God is saying to you today, My child, you are worrying too much. Remember who I am. There is nothing too hard for me. You may not see it, but I have everything planned out for you. Amen ” I liked the story of Peter and the disciples and Jesus washing their feet. I know at times that I want to prove that I am useful and right and have everything under control. Yet I know that Jesus and God are there for us and many times my Holy Spirit speaks to me. I will try harder to not get up in the middle of the night with a panic attack and all the problems falling on my head. Thank you Tasha for this most helpful devotion. I always read them again after lunch when I am not so weary like I am now. Blessings and love I wish to you today and a pleasant weekend. You (in) women are a large Blessing to me every day and it is always one of the first things I do when I get up. Thank you again………………………………..Betsy Basile
Betsy, thank you for sharing some of the things you have been through and how Jesus has gone through it with you. Thank you for also taking the time to share vulnerably about your own wrestling and how God has come close and held you. We are so glad you are here, Betsy!
Betsy, I happened to read your comment on the (in) courage post and wanted to comment on the prayer you shared that you say. How beautiful! I’m saving it/writing it down and sharing with a friend who has seen some challenging days. God bless you!
Tasha thank you for todays reading. I love all that you have said. It has spoken to me. I was going through about 6 or 7 years ago with problems with my periods. That they were so heavy clothes would be stained. Then a t night so would the bed clothes. That I have to wake my Husband up change the bed sheets because they were stained with all this bleeding. The pain I was in of offal. I went to my Doctor’s and they used to give me all sorts of pain killers to help me with my pain but none worked. Then my Doctor said try the pill to stop you having heavy periods and being in so much pain. That didn’t work either because the pill didn’t agree with me. So I pushed the Doctors after all the test. With nothing was working. To have a hysterectomy. Every month with my heavy bleeding. I also used to walk the floors at night in my home with everything. As I was just not well. I am thankful for having the hysterectomy. So Tasha I think about what you wrote to your premenopause systems what you went through. How you use it to tell your story in today’s reading you wrote to do with finding Jesus in the crack’s on your feet. You tell all so well it spoke to me. My heart goes out to you away back then. You about say finding Jesus in the crack’s in your feet. That is a very good one. Did people realise how much Jesus did for them and the crack’s of love that would have been in his feet walking to go pray with them or help them in anyway he could have. Everything Jesus did when he walked on earth was done in love for people who needed his help. We look at what you said Tasha to do with disciples and Jesus. How many crack’s Jesus would have found on the disciples feet like his feet that would have been full of crack’s. Because Jesus went out of his way to help people he didn’t mind all these crack’s on his feet from all the walking he did to help people. As he was doing what he was doing for his Father and in love for people who needed him. Jesus had to teach the disciples how to be disciples for him in doing the work Jesus wanted them to do. That was loving and helping other less well of than them. No matter how many crack’s they go on their feet. Like Jesus wants us that are saved to be his disciples today in this broken down world with so many things going on in it. So many people sad and hurt for what ever reason. To be disciples today like in his day when he walked the earth. But Jesus had to teach the disciples when he walked earth how to be his disciples. Jesus wants to teach us today how to be his disciples today in this broken down world. By teaching us how to be loving people that reach out to those that are hurting or in other ways that need help and in everything showing them the love of Jesus when helping them. Saved or not saved. Even if we see someone we don’t know that needs help. Go show them God’s love by asking them can I help you or letting them know your praying for them. The more crack’s you get on your feet you can look at them say to yourself. Yes I have all these crack’s in my feet like Jesus had when on earth because I helping people less well of than me. That needs my help I am glad to help them. As I am doing it on to the Love of Jesus and the Love of them showing. All the crack’s on my feet show me this. That makes me think how many crack’s would Jesus had on his feet when he walked earth with all the people he helped and prayed with. I say alot more than I would ever have. As he never stop helping people and showing his Father’s love to them. Expect for resting when he needed it. It makes me thankful for all people like the Doctors and Nurses that walk miles in our Hospitals to help those not well from Babies Kids and Adults. Like they helped when I was not well back a few years ago. I have alot to thank them for. So they must have plenty of crack’s on there feet. Jesus used them to help me when not well all those years ago. I know Jesus was there with me through it all. As they walked alot to help me and others in Hospital. Oh what crack’s they would have. So I have alot to thank Jesus for. Today when I look back at it all. I am new person today. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little. Xx
Dawn, your kindness in this space is a balm. Thank you for sharing some of your heart, thoughts, and story with us here. I hope you know you are seen and loved, right now, and that the way you consider others and love others truly matters.
Great article! Such thought provoking ideas with so much heart. His love is so tender.
I know well both the perimenopause alarm clock and the urge to control something, anything. Thank you for meeting us right there and pointing us to Jesus. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the cracked skin, metaphorically and also literally!, that I forget to look, to look to Him. Thank you for these words, friend.
Thank you so much for this reminder. It hit me deeply. Sometimes I think it’s only me with feelings of fear, doubt, unworthiness, being good enough, worry and the list goes on.
He’s leading me into a new season, wanting to reveal Himself to me on a different level. Feelings of inadequacy try to creep in and paralyze what He is wanting to accomplish in my life.
Thank you for sharing and letting me know I am not the only one with these feelings. I know He is more than able to accomplish and finish’s what He has started in me.
Yvonne