On a typical Sunday morning, I make my way to the closet to find something to wear that’s comfortable but also relatively stylish. I didn’t come from a church background that required fancy attire or anything, but I do like the idea of getting a little dressed up. I often sleep a bit longer than I anticipated which means I have less time than anticipated to have breakfast. My dream is that I wake up one Sunday with enough time to make an actual meal and sit down and enjoy it, but about half the time I grab a quick bite that I can eat on the road like a piece of toast. The other 50% of the time, I rely on the basket of free bread in the foyer of my church.
I go to a small Baptist Church on the coastline of New England and it is full of lovely people who deeply care for me. Yet in addition to the Sunday Bread Basket, I can also rely on a heightened awareness of my singleness when I walk into the sanctuary. It’s not that people are cold; in fact, my church is unusually hospitable. Still, I have entered the building alone and I now have to find a place to sit.
It feels silly to be a 35-year-old woman who feels a bit like a junior higher when she looks around the room, wondering where she belongs. Sometimes, I will sit with a retired couple or perhaps a young family. But every week, it fluctuates because I don’t have a built-in person that I can always sit beside.
There are dozens of ways that you can feel extra single when you walk into a church, and over the years I’ve constructed ways to cope. For example, I try to find a spot quickly near someone I know so I don’t have to wander and stay in the feeling of loneliness that can sometimes settle when you are looking for an invitation. More often than not, when someone at our church is about to sit down. This inquiry involves a certain level of vulnerability and the possibility of rejection if the seat is, in fact, taken.
I tell you these things not so that you will feel sorry for me, or other single people, but so that you might consider what is going through our heads even on the best of Sundays. I know that I have friends who are happy to welcome me in, but as a single person, we often have to be the ones to show up to the party, knock on the door, and wait for a reply.
Finding a place to sit is only the first step to what can be several challenging circumstances for those who have no partner.
For example, during the announcements, it’s more likely than not that there will be some sort of special event put on for families or couples. Or perhaps there is an opportunity to join a small group, but we don’t know what demographic we fit into. We aren’t young 20-somethings anymore, nor are we young families. There is not always a ministry for single people. Or consider this: pastors often use stories in their sermons about their experience as a parent or a spouse. How relatable is that? For much of the congregation, plenty, but for those with no children or spouse, we just have to sort of nod along and try to imagine what it must feel like.
Being single in the local church can feel like a constant exercise in trusting the process. We know that church is the place that we need to be, and we believe that this community is like an actual family. This is a sacred thing for those of us who do not go home to a family. Still, we are sitting in pews and listening to announcements and wondering if our experience matters. Then we are met with this grand finale: what are we going to do after the service?
Do we awkwardly walk away to our cars or do we linger and try to make small talk? And once all of this is over, what are we going to do for lunch? This question can be daunting at worst and a little disappointing at best, because lunch after church on Sunday would be a prime opportunity to connect with others and when it doesn’t happen, it can feel a bit like salt in a wound. For the other 20 meals of the week, we have to plan out not only our menus but also our company. There is no built-in companion at the dining room table, which can leave many single people feeling like they need to come up with the energy to make plans if they just want to eat a sandwich in the presence of another person.
Each meal as a single person takes effort, not just in energy, but also in emotion.
This is what I want you to know: by the time we get to the church service, we are already aware that we are surrounded by community while struggling with loneliness. It’s not always a depressing mess, but it does take effort, energy, and a bit of bravery to show up to big community events.
I wonder what would happen if those who attended church started texting the single congregants and asking them ahead of time to make a plan for lunch after church on a Sunday. I wonder how many single people would walk into church feeling lighter, knowing that they have an invitation to be with others after the service.
Scripture reminds us in Ephesians 4 that we are all part of the body of Christ, but sometimes we miss out on one another and it actually means that the church is not as strong as it could be. If a member of the body is feeling disconnected, it’s really vital that we make sure a connection is made. Before a single friend has a chance to even process the awkwardness of finding a place to sit on a Sunday, invite them to join you. Before a single friend has a chance to get to their car and go home to a sandwich and no conversation partner, ask them if you can have them over for a meal.
So often, single people say they don’t feel welcome in the church, so I want to give you this antidote: welcome them.
If people know we are Christians by our love, this feels like a good place to start.
Melissa I am not single. But don’t know why don’t have many friends. But I have the best friend in the world. The Lord Jesus Christ. I have two sisters who are my best friends. But they now live 86 miles away. I hardly ever see them. But they text me to see I ok. Keep me in prayer. I do the same thing. Because they care for me. As I suffer seizures. I think why don’t anyone want to be my friend. My Husband said it is there loss. Has taught me not to let it get to me. That no one wants to be my friend. I tried making friends they don’t want to know. Expect my friends two sisters that live 86 miles away from me. My Husband is also saved. We both felt single in the Churches we used to go. We felt like a wall flower with it’s head down. Looking for a drink of water. It was who you knew and who you were in theses Churches. We said this not Christianity. Jesus loved all people of all walks of life. Like the kids song that is good even for us as Adults as well as kids. It goes “Jesus Loves all the Children of the world red and yellow black and white.” We that are saved are to do the same. Not having any favourites. As we are all God Children and he is Heavenly Father. How true that is. So now we go to the Salvation Arms in Enniskillen were we come from. We are expected and loved. We are not like the wall flower with it head down looking for a drink of water. We can hold our heads high. Know we are loved liked Jesus loves us. Love today’s reading. Thank you for it. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little Enniskillen Co.Fermanagh N.Ireland. xx
Thank you Melissa! I have been divorced for two years now. The beginning was rough and full of loneliness. I don’t have family nearby. My friends are either all married or looking for a guy for company. In the middle of year two, post divorce, I felt led to make a church change. It felt awkward to be at the church where my ex-husband and I attended for almost 20 years. My new church welcomed me with open arms. I found myself meeting new people, staying after church to make small talk and then going home to an empty house. Today, I have a life group at church that worships together and eats together after the service. One of the ladies and I have some common interests. I am beyond excited in this new chapter of my life and pray that others will read this and feel encouraged. It’s ok to be single. Embrace it!
Yes, it is! Praying you will continue to grow these relationships!
I went back to church a little over a year ago. I chose a small Methodist church that I had visited on and off over the years because it reminded me of the church I grew up in. As a visitor it was discouraging, always being the new face. Now, as a regular, I so look forward to seeing my church family on Sunday’s. I attend the more traditional service which brings in an older crowd. They tend to be more welcoming. A lovely widow took me under her wing and made me her pew partner. When I joined the church last fall, she stood beside me. And when I had emergency surgery last year, my church family was there for me! Yes, it’s hard showing up as a single on Sunday. But the reward is worth it! I have made so many new connections and I’m so incredibly thankful God nudged me to get back into Church.
Melissa,
I often attend church alone as my husband goes to our farm most weekends. My mom is a new widower who is facing what you describe.
But mostly your devotion brought a woman to mind who I know needs company . I do need to invite her out to lunch. Thank you for the reminder.
Sending you Summer joy,
Lisa Wilt
PS. I shared your devotion x2 as it is excellent
Love this and thank you for being part of this community!
Thank you for your article. You really hit the nail on the head! I have been a widow for a little over two years now and for the first time in my life, I’m alone. Over the last two months I have stopped going to the Sunday morning service. For exactly the reasons you have stated. The church we were attending is extremely service oriented and loving. I do not consider my feeling lonely on Sunday morning their fault at all. They provide many opportunities to be involved but nothing for an older generation of single people. It is an awkward time in life. I do appreciate you bringing to light what we do go through. It does bring an awareness for me as well to pull in people who are unattached. God bless you.
Praying for you as you continue to process, friend! Thanks for being here.
Dear Melissa……What a great story that you gave us today. I can truly connect with every thing you said. I am 77 years old and because my husband has “Violent Dementia” ans he almost killed me on 4/20/2023. I will never forget that night. I had to evict him from the house. He refused to believe that there was anything wrong with him and threw his medication out and instead of stopping all the drinking he was doing, he increased it. I stayed with him for 3 + years, trying everything in my power to get him back to the doctors and every night when he went into those “Dementia Rages” he abused me. His doctors said I needed to start thinking about my safety and not Jim. I am getting to your story, but you do need to know some of the background to understand. We have 1 son and 1 (12 year old grandson – at that time). One night my son called me and said ” you are a liar, there is nothing wrong with Dad and as of right now I no longer consider you my Mother and you never will be able to speak or see Carter again” Then he hung up. I’m sure that you know what I did. I completely collapsed and starting to pray. I have no other family. They have all passed. I had to sell our house of 40 years which crushed me again and I am in a facility that is supposed to be for Independent Living, but is not. I am “the Baby” everyone else is in their 80’s thru to over 100. Almost everyone is in a wheelchair, using a rollater or using a cane. So finally to your story, Melissa. Jim and I have been married for 55 years and my son is 54. Living alone now is very stressful, emotional and confusing. I take a lot of medication so I do have trouble just getting to church every week as I don’t feel safe to drive. When I go, I feel the same as you did. Where am I going to sit. When all this mess had not even happened yet, I always sat at the same place with 2 women who were widows and talked to me, even after our service; however after all this mess and I could get back to church, they were both in Nursing homes so I really was alone. The pandemic was really bad and many of the people that used to go to church did not return. Our Church still remains in financial troubles. When I do go, I do not stay for the after social hour, I just don’t feel like I belong anymore. And Lunch, I really don’t feel like eating that sandwich without conversation with someone else. This facility has many people, but they don’t seem to like me. I was a top manager in a very large company for 35 years and we were expected to look the part and I have always been like that anyway and at my age still am. They thought I was showing off and that is not it. As God said, I am what I am. I can’t change to sweatshirts and pants. There is so much more to the story, but I will not bore you with that. I am meeting with my Minister this week to talk to her and she really helps me the way you women at the incourage community do with your daily devotionals. I don’t think I could have done anything without you. I know that I am never alone because my Holy Spirit and Jesus are always with me, but so often, I wish that there was another human being here to talk to and give me a hug. Is that wrong, Melissa? Thank you for your story and if you have any advice for me, please do tell me. Prayers and a hug, I send to you, also love……………….Betsy Basile
Melissa,
My husband and I have had this issue for years as we are retired. Many are young as we look high and low for some one our age. I’d love a multigenerational congregation! My husband and I would love to have you over after church for anything! We’re former New Englanders, 60+ years and trying out the southern life….. not sure it will happen. We’re most likely going to be heading back north after our lease is up.
I hope we run into you someday.
Be blessed in the meantime.
PS….does Gordon College have a church for the public other than their students and staff?
Multigenerational churches are such a gift! Not sure about Gordon, but their website may help! Blessings to you, friend.
It’s almost as awkward as being a “young” 65 and married but with a husband who does not attend church. I don’t fit with the couples group. I can’t relate to the seniors group. Thank God our church has a ladies Bible study where I feel like I fit. It’s the only way I found my was back to church.
Bible studies are such a great place to connect. Glad you’ve found one!
Thanks, Melissa! You awakened me to a problem I hadn’t thought about. I am married, but my husband doesn’t come to church, so I usually sat alone. But now I give a widow lady I know a ride to church, and we sit together. I hadn’t thought about that being a gift to me, but it is. Food for thought… And also a possible option for a single person?
We can find community in the most unexpected places for sure. Thanks for reading!
Wow, could I relate as someone who became a widow at 53. Relationships change after the death of a spouse. I noticed it most in the church.
Melissa – I think the call-to-action here doesn’t just apply to Sunday. It’s a great message and lesson. I appreciate you sharing your heart with us today.
Yes, this was just one example of several places we can love singles well!
We recently attended an Apostolic service. There, as in Mennonite services, the men and the women sit on opposites sides of the church. I asked about the purpose expecting “tradition” to be the answer. But that is not at all the reason. First of all, they sing without music and sing 4 part harmony (beautiful!!) and it is how younger women and men learn to sing parts. But the striking explanation was that they didn’t want any one to feel left out/alone. They specifically mentioned singles, widows, widowers are not left to sit by themselves. It really made me rethink the possibility of doing the same. It probably wouldn’t go over well.
Also, it might be surprising that couples also wonder where to sit, wonder if anyone will talk to them, wonder if someone might invite them to a meal after church, wonder if they fit in. Perhaps it doesn’t look as daunting because there are two of you, but the emotions and vulnerabilities are the same. I have been in that situation several times over the past 50 years.
I recently read an article about making new people feel welcome in church (In CT, I believe) THere were 3 suggestions: that an usher or greeter in the church needed to not only greet, but welcome and check in with newcomers between services, after the service. All members should be doing this but at least a group of individuals committed to ——- greet someone who is “like” them, so a young couple would specifically greet a young couple, a single person greet a single person, a retired person….etc and finally that a leader/pastor speak to them directly, introducing themselves, asking a bit about the newcomer and offering to meet sometime in the future for coffee? Or? If they wanted. I thought it made a lot of sense.
Thank you for articulating this so well Melissa. The most awkward time for me was when my ex-husband and I were separated. Most church support group activities were structured for either the single or the married. I who was in limbo, had no conversations with either when it came to life issues. Then when I got divorced, I realized I was in a league of my own again as the singles at my church were either never married before or were widowed. What complicated matters was that all these transitions happened to me within the same congregation. Many awkward moments of still calling me Mrs X, or Mrs Y where Y is my maiden name still happen 18 months down the line. Church members just could not get used to calling me Miss or Ms Y . I will be moving to another country in the next few weeks, my church denomination is present there. I hope to start on a new slate by introducing myself as a divorced mother of 4 adults from the onset. I’m curious to see how that will pen out.
Your article really hits home. My ex was a pastor at several small churches prior to leaving. My children were grown and did not live locally. It is gut-wrenching to walk into a church, try to find a place to sit and feel so alone surrounded by so many people. It is hard to keep the tears at bay. Singles groups are also terrifying.
Melissa,
I used to attend a large church that had a singles group. Sure the group consisted mostly of older widowed or divorced women, but I didn’t care. I was single and wanted some company. You’d be surprised how much fun they can be. On New Year’s eve we would go to one lady’s house & stay all night. Think about starting a single women’s group. Age & the reason for singleness should not matter. Just enjoy being together. Go out to eat, play games, see a movie whatever. The divorced & widowed women need companionship as well. They need to be loved upon just like the never married.
Blessings 🙂