I’ve spent much of the past twelve months as a patient at a psychiatric day hospital — a squat, rectangular building on the edge of a town just outside of London.
On my first day, I was terrified. Despite working in mental health awareness and advocacy for over a decade, stigma and fear hung around my mind like cobwebs. What would the other patients be like? What would the staff be like? Would I be locked in?
My fears were swiftly allayed when I was greeted by the kind-faced nurse I’d spoken to on the phone the day before. She was gentle, guiding me through the surprisingly well-kept unit (a stark contrast to the run-down mental health offices I’ve been going to for nearly two decades).
I sat on the edge of the blue leather-like sofa, gazing around through unfocused eyes. How had it come to this, I wondered.
The other patients chatted as I jumped at every laugh or loud noise, unsure what to do with myself. Gingerly, I picked my journal out of my bag and began to write, my pen articulating thoughts my mind hadn’t even realised I was having.
I didn’t know then that this place and the staff in it would become a sanctuary. Back then, this psychiatric day hospital was like a distant planet. Now, it is closer to home than I could ever have imagined.
It has been my place of safety, and the staff have become as familiar to me as friends. They have seen me at my very worst . . . disassociated from the world, at the end of myself, and unable to stop my tears or thoughts from running faster than I could keep up with.
If these months have been a season of pruning, then my branches are bare. I have questioned everything in my life — even my very life itself — as mental illness seized the driving wheel and took with it my sanity. I am emerging, at the slowest pace, a different person… one who is officially disabled and unsure of what comes next.
Back in my teenage years, I learned that the language of lament was the only thing that could keep me connected to God in seasons like this. In those years, I could offer nothing but the rawest, most rage-filled thoughts. Now, I see that those, too, can be prayers.
For many months, I haven’t been able to muster raw or rage-filled thoughts. I have been wordless for the first (and I hope the last) time in my life. All I have been able to do is cry and pray that Romans 8:26 is true: “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.”
I’m surprised my faith hasn’t been pruned away alongside everything else that has been lost. But the truth is, God has felt closer to me in my “not doing” than I could have imagined. I’m too anxious and overwhelmed for church, too weak for service, too tired to seek a redemption story amidst the wreckage.
And, yet, this belief has grown greater: I am beloved by God.
From the start, before I ever lifted a single finger, I was included in the creation of humanity that was called “very good.” All of the volunteering, and working for Christian organizations — none of it made me more loved. All my wide, empty days, the lacerating pain, the disability — none of it has made me less loved.
The same is true for you, too.
As a friend of mine says, we could lay down and never lift a finger again and remain as loved as we are in all our busyness and bustle. My branches may be bare . . . but, as I remain in Jesus’ love, I remain connected to the vine from whom all life flows. John 15:9 tells us, “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.”
I don’t know what comes next for me when I leave this place in which I have remembered and experienced the love of God so profoundly. I do not know what yet may grow and bloom, bear fruit. But I know that as I remain in Him, I remain loved . . . forever.
And, for now, that is enough.
Leave a Comment
Beth Williams says
Rachel,
Thank you for sharing your story. This topic is much needed in today’s society. Most churches don’t discuss & usually dismiss this subject. It is important to know that just because you have a mental illness doesn’t mean you are less loved by God. We have to remain connected to the vine & He will heal our depressed or anxious souls. Great post.
Blessings 🙂
Rachael says
Thank you so much for your comment – I agree we have much work to do but I’m pleased we’re talking about it.
Nancy T. says
Dear Rachel, You are blessing so many by sharing your story. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful Bible verse: Romans 8:26 (ESV)
26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.
Rachael says
I’m so glad it’s been a blessing, that verse is a favourite of mine.
Julie says
This is so beautifully profound; thank you for sharing. You’ve given me so much to think about. Best wishes to you.
KathleenB says
I agree with you on how
“beautifully profound “
Rachel’s message is, especially in its courage, transparency, and abiding faith.
Rachael Newham says
Thank you so much for your encouragement Julie and Kathleen
Becky Keife says
Rachael, your words are so sacred, it’s hard to know how to respond. I’m so grateful you had a friend to share that truth with you: “we could lay down and never lift a finger again and remain as loved as we are in all our busyness and bustle.” Thank you so much for sharing it with us. Praying for you on your journey as God’s deeply beloved. May we all come to know his tender nearness and relentless withness in the same way.
Rachael says
My friend is very wise – her words have made such an impact on me I’m glad to share them.
KathleenB says
Dear Julie,
I will be praying a verse from The Prayer of St. Francis for you nightly-
“Where there is despair, let me bring hope.” May joy also return to your spirit in abundance.
Kathleen
Rachael says
Thank you so much, what a beautiful prayer.
Kathy says
I can so relate. I could sometimes let myself lie down and never lift another finger. Sometimes it takes all the strength I have to keep going, keep praying, keep hoping. I don’t think I will ever truly understand depression. I have had to deal with it all my life. I read recently, that when we are close to God, we hurt over all the things that hurt Him. And in this world that has so turned their back on God, how deeply He must too, be sad and hurting. I am also a sensitive person and hurt so very deeply about every sorrow and every pain. Perhaps my ministry is to hurt for all that also hurts God. I don’t know, but I know God loves me and I must keep bearing all things. May God be Your comfort and may His Light keep you going. We must keep going to The Light. Blessings on your journey.
Rachael says
I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with such pain, but glad you have been able to fall into the Father’s arms.
Tambrey says
Thank you for this amazing article and perspective and vulnerability. Wow this has touched me in a profound way! I too, was touched by this paragraph!”…we could lay down and…! May Jesus bless you and an extra extra special way, and continue to use you and so many many lives as he keeps you in the palm of his hand! You are such a blessing and so needed. Sometimes I feel so so alone.
Rachael says
Thank you so much – I was so pleased to be able to share my wise friend’s beautiful words on how God loves us in the piece.
Stephanie Cesareo Graves says
Beautiful testament the love of God and how He meets us wherever we are. Thank you for sharing your story and pointing people to Jesus.
Mary Worzel says
This could have been me. Maybe it was, but I was an inpatient at a psychiatric unit of a hospital. Tho, the nurses were wonderful, the Stigma exists even there. So many restrictions, because of a mental illness, which would be completely different if I was hospitalized for a physical illness. Thankfully God has blessed me with the most knowledgeable and caring Dr. I will never voluntarily go to a psychiatric unit, and I pray for peace of mind and healing every day. You touched my heart with your message. God bless you for your efforts in attempting to end the Stigma.
Rachael says
Thank you so much for taking time to comment, I’m sorry you’ve shared the experience, but so pleased my words were able to connect.
Beth says
Your words are beautiful and authentic – resonating beyond the walls that only perspective and proximity could speak from. Perhaps, as an ambassador for many, for such a time as this. God will continue to bless you and keep you in His unending love you remind us of. Well done.
Rachael says
Thank you so much for commenting – it’s so encouraging.
Betsy Basile says
Dear Rachel……Your story touched my heart and soul. You see, back when I was in my teenage years and in college, I felt exactly the way you have described yourself in your beautiful and a little sad in the beginning of your story. I had severe panic attacks and back in those days (I am 76 years old now) mental health was not even addressed. I couldn’t go to class. I sat in my dorm room and cried most of the day. I didn’t know what would become of me as like you, I began to question everything including myself. As a straight ” A ” student through all of junior and senior high school, I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get up and go. I was disappointing my parents and I didn’t know what to say to them. Finally, in my 3rd year of college, I had to drop out. My mother did not talk to me for a month and that was another heart crushing thing, but still, I thought to myself, nobody understands how panic attacks affect you. Rachel, that is when I saw this article in a book and said to myself. Betsy, you are not thinking of your faith right now. You are not alone. The Lord, Jesus and your Holy Spirit is where you need to go. Get out your Bible and start praying again. I am not saying it was easy, but after a year or so, I noticed a change in myself. As your last line says……..As I remain in Him, I remain loved and I have had many serious problems through out my life, but my faith remains unshakeable and I pray often during the days, but I also would like you to know Rachel, that I know somehow my Holy Spirit told me something that led me to you women of (in) courage and this has also been what I call a God-Wink from my Hallmark movies that I watch. The first thing I do every morning is get up, get moving, get dressed and read my devotional that you send to our email. There is ALWAYS something there that inspires me to just keep taking small steps and knowing I am loved (actually I have that necklace on today) I had not read this yet. Rachael……..You women are Angels to people like me who have no one, but that is a long story for another day. Blessings to you Rachael and your family as we near another Holiday……………………..Betsy Basile
Rachael says
I’m so sorry you’ve experienced so much struggle. Thank you for sharing it with us and in pray for peace.
Donna says
I relate to every word you shared as I have suffered through seasons of depression, fears and anxiety. Thank you so much for being so honest and open! It helps me and others to not feel so alone. Please remember that the Lord is the Author and Finisher of your faith and the Bishop and Shepherd of your soul. May He encourage your heart and the Lifter of your head today and every day to come! God’s richest blessings be upon you and your family!!!
Rachael says
Thank you so much for your encouragement, I hope you find some peace in your mind, too.
Jann Hunter says
Thank you for your truthful and open reflection of how lament and vulnerability gives us the deepest opportunity to feel the love of God. Our society lauds strength through might and power, and forgets that God built strength into our hearts when we are able to call out to Him in our pain and despair, feeling His loving arms around us. Bless you.
Rachael says
Thank you so much!
Irene says
Praying now for your recovery and renewal, dear one. May you feel close to the Lord throughout your healing process!
Rachael says
Thank you so much for your prayers and kindness.
Marti Ward says
Excellent descriptive writing!
Rachael says
I’m glad you liked it.
Lisa Wilt says
Rachel,
Blessings to you brave friend. Though we live across the pond from one another, we are one body of Christ, sisters united.
Sending you joy,
Lisa Wilt
Rachael says
Thank you so much.
Christine says
Thank you for sharing a raw and challenging time in your life.
Rachael says
I appreciate you reading!
Stephanie says
Thank you so much for sharing. Your story is touching many hearts. God bless you, friend. ❤️
Rachael says
Thank you
Margaret says
You are very, very brave. Thank you.
I needed to read this today.
I am at the end of myself with stress, worry, fear, and depression. I became disabled last fall and have made one bad decision after another trying to get a better life for myself and husband as we head to retirement. I feel abandoned by God because I failed to heed His warnings and now I am stuck where I landed and can’t move.
Rachael says
I’m so sorry you’re facing this. Praying for strength and wisdom as you navigate this path.
Lydia Rose says
Hi Rachael!Thank you so much for sharing your heart so candidly. Your words are not only heartfelt but refreshing. In such a fake, presumptuous and arrogant world we are living in, the only real life-giving truth is Jesus Christ! Thank you for reminding us that no matter what, no matter where, no matter how and no matter why, we are God’s beloved and that will never change. Thank you for inspiring me to keep moving forward. I will keep you in my prayers. Blessings and best, Lydia
Rachael says
Thank you!
Kaitlin says
Thank you so much for sharing. I have obsessive compulsive disorder and I always appreciate transparency from Christians in mental health. Thank you for being so brave and encouraging.
michelle559@verizon.net says
I pray your journey. Thank you for honesty in sharing. It fed my spirit.
Rachael says
Thank you
Dawn Davies says
Angel nurses, aren’t they grand and beautiful!!!
Thank you for sharing your story.
Rachael says
They are indeed.
Sandy says
Thank you Rachel for putting a part of your journey on paper. It has encouraged me and others. I am a retired chaplain – I offered spiritual care in a psychiatric hospital for ten years… and my life was changed as I entered the world of those who suffer.
Andrea Nyberg says
Thank you for this. Putting our real life out there can be simultaneously terrifying and liberating. What a gift to be seen and known right where we are, in the middle of the pain and suffering. Before everything is made new. We sit tenderly with you in this in-between season, thankful that our God holds us as we weep. And we hold hope alongside that He will make beauty from these ashes. But for now, we sit with you in the weary waiting.
Rachael says
Thank you so much for your encouragement and beautiful words.
Chrissy Jenkins says
What a brave and honest testimony!! You will be in my prayers as a most beloved child of God. Love and light as you make your way…
Rachael says
Thank you so much.
Hayley says
This spoke to my heart. I could have written these words, I am in this place now and over the past few weeks God has been showing me even in my darkest days, and when I feel unable to be ‘doing’ God’s work or even finding the words to talk to him, his spirit in me is working for his kingdom and showing I am so loved. Thank you Rachael. Your words always find me in Gods perfect timing!
Rachael says
I’m so glad the words spoke to you but sorry they had to if that makes sense! X