I was born on Memorial Day, 50 years ago this past Memorial Day.
My birthday felt especially sweet this year because my husband and daughter threw me a party with my very favorite things: family + friends + drinks + country music + CAKE (!!!). It felt doubly special to have a party because, as every May baby knows, birthdays this month (like December birthdays) are often relegated to the corners of the schedule. Not because our families and friends don’t care about us. Rather, because when you have a birthday in May, it’s going to be shoehorned between All The Calendar Things. End-of-year school parties and award nights. Sports banquets. Band concerts. Graduation ceremonies. Last year, we moved my daughter into her summer school apartment on my birthday. The year before that, that same daughter graduated high school on my birthday.
So, it was fun to spend this year celebrating with loved ones and talking about life, eating delicious cake, and laughing till my sides split.
I don’t begrudge birthdays; I like to reflect on them and the years they represent. Because turning 50 feels especially momentous, I’m opening my journal to share some of what I’ve learned at this point in my life. If you’re near (or past!) the half-century mark, chime in with your own lessons and blessings found within this stage. If you’re younger, may you read and know there is much good to be had in the land of the 50+ living!
There is freedom in caring less, period. I’m one who’s default is to care a lot, and overall I like that this quality makes me empathetic. But when caring a lot veers into ruminating on what other people think about me, I’m caring too much. At this point in my life, I don’t have much time or interest in guessing what people meant when they said this or did that — or worrying about what they thought of me when I said this or did that. In the words of my friend, Maria, “Don’t fear 50… it’s so liberating!”
Giving people the benefit of the doubt is a relational superpower. Giving people the benefit of the doubt gives life to all your relationships. Not giving the benefit of the doubt will strangle the life right out of them. While genuine relationship problems need to be addressed, being hard to offend will draw folks to you like a bee to honey.
Not everyone will like you. If you’re like me, you’ve spent a lot of time knowing this in your head but rejecting it in your heart. I used to think I could win over folks who were on the fence about me. But that just means I’m losing before I’ve started because if people are my people, they don’t need to be won over. They’re already with me. At 50 I actually appreciate that not everyone likes me because then I don’t need to worry about investing in those people. It’s a helpful limitation that points me to where my interpersonal efforts are wanted and appreciated. If Jesus was okay with not everyone liking Him, we can be okay with it, too.
Making friends at this stage of life is harder… and easier. As I get older, finding friends is harder because there’s less opportunity to rub shoulders with other women. However, I’ve found that it’s easier to keep friends I do make because we both have a more “laid back” nature that’s hard to offend. While there are exceptions to this, we generally give each other more breathing room, so we enjoy our friendships more. We ain’t here for the drama.
The Empty Nest years are different but good. I used to think that once the kids were out of the house, life wouldn’t shine and sparkle as it had when they were home. That’s simply not true. Of course, trials still find me in this stage of life, and I truly do miss the kids’ full-time presence under my roof. But the empty nest years have proven to bring their own blessings — a welcome surprise.
A well-placed “I’m sorry” covers many a mistake. I’ve made many mistakes in parenting my children, being a wife to my husband, and being a friend to others. I often wish I could go back in time to do a better job years ago and… yesterday. And yet I’ve found that a sincere apology forms a bridge from one person to another keeping relationships intact.
God is faithful, and Jesus is with us. I’ve learned that while walking through difficulties, the Lord’s faithful presence is a comfort that I wouldn’t have experienced to the degree I did without the hardship. Of course, I would’ve loved to have avoided those hardships altogether. Yet, within the hardship there was no denying the powerful presence of Christ. Regarding Matthew 14:22-33 when Jesus walks on water during a storm toward a boat holding His disciples, Beth Moore writes, “Christ walked on water before He calmed the storm. …We want Christ to hurry and calm the storm. He wants us to find Him in the midst of it first.” During hard seasons of my life, welcoming the presence of Jesus may not immediately calm each storm. But I am calmed within each storm.
If these are just a few of the lessons the Lord has been gracious to teach me in my first five decades, I can’t wait to see what the next 50 years hold. What a privilege it is to enjoy another year of life. As I look to the year ahead, taking time to reflect helps me better appreciate my many gifts — my people, my health, and my leftover birthday cake.
Thank you for sharing this, Kristen. I am 52 and there are many gifts to this stage of life. I love how you’ve laid them out here. As someone dear to me said when I turned 50, “welcome to the club!”
Thank you, sweet Jen!
Thank you for this, Kristin. I’ll be joining the 50 club right around next Memorial Day, so your words were encouraging to me. I agree that growing older (in other words, making it this far!) brings with it a new perspective that is liberating, and every new birthday is a blessing!
I’m so happy we get to welcome you to the club soon, Suzanne! And you’re right…every new birthday is a blessing!
Gosh, I needed to read this today. Suffering with caring TOO much and feeling left out & left behind. Turning 60 in 2 months, this gives me hope and purpose. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
You’re so beloved, Sonya, and we’re so glad to have you in this community!
I didn’t really come to grips with letting go of other people’s perceptions of me until I retired 2 years ago at age 62. The work environment I was in (ironically I transferred to that position during the year I turned 50) was toxic, and what had started as a new opportunity became a maelstrom of negativity. Two weeks after I had quit, my husband said “welcome back.” I hadn’t realized just how that job had affected our relationship at home. Most freeing thing EVER!
Three cheers for freedom, Shauna, and for doing the work to get yourself to a healthier environment (and away from a toxic one).
Well done, you!
“Giving people the benefit of the doubt is a relational superpower”…so true! And the absolute FREE SPACE that brings to my perimenopausal brain is liberating as well. At 52, majoring on the majors rather than the minors comes easier than when I was younger. I wish I could tell my 20 year old self that.
-Kellie
I wish I could tell my 20-year-old self the same, Kellie. SO well said!
Kristen ~ thank you for these nuggets of wisdom and insight. God willing, I will celebrate 70 candles on my cake in July, and I’d say yes and amen to every single one of your points. There is such a sweetness that comes with giving Jesus more space every single day, making less of me, and less of unimportant things. Of course there are still trials, but there is also more peace in knowing that the God of Creation walks beside me in those valleys. I’ve apologized to my children for things I didn’t do well (and sometimes didn’t do at all) and am grateful for a ‘reset’ within my 11 grandchildren’s lives. Every person I meet is made in the image of God, and I do my best to remember and recognize that.
God is ever faithful to me and mine, and I try to live each day proclaiming that. May He continue to bless you, Kristen, and all the (in)courage contributors! You are a blessing.
Jo, YOU are a blessing, and I can’t thank you enough for your kind encouragement and valuable perspective here. Happy early birthday, too! xo
I’m a December baby and celebrated my 50th birthday with a room full of strangers at a Meetup. It happened a few months after the breakup of a longterm relationship and the end of my career as a journalist. I promised myself, never again. I was in the middle of reading Jennie Allen’s “Find Your People” and set out in January to do just that. I have made some meaningful connections with co-workers and helped to start a small ladies group at church. I have also lost some cherished friends. Making the ones I do have all the more precious.
Dear Kristen…….Your story was a pleasure; however I am 77 years old and many things have gotten so much worse for me since I was 50. 50 didn’t bother me, but 30 did. Just a little about myself. The season that I am in right now for the past 6 years has been truly rough, mean and most of all heartbreaking. Six years ago I was retired from 45 years of work that I loved and people loved me, at work. My home life was nasty and brazen and also heartbreaking for the whole 55 years we are married. He date raped me back in 1968 and though you are too young to know what happened back then. The woman was always blamed for what happened and the so called “shotgun marriages” took place. He wanted me to get an abortion and I said, NO. We were just dating and neither of us loved the other. Because he is Catholic and I am Protestant, I was forced to get married in a Catholic church due to my pregnancy. My father, Mother and I were heartbroken. If I had to get married, I wanted it to be in my church. My father was so active in our church He did many things for that church even though he only had 1 lung due to lung cancer. He was in WWII stationed in London, England during the Blitzkrieg. The only thing he would ever tell us about this war was the constant ringing of the air raid siren and the running to the shelters. Hour after hour. Six years ago I noticed that my husbands mind was beginning to fail. It was dementia and the worst kind of dementia. He wouldn’t do anything the neurologists told him and he went into denial. I have 1 son and 1 grandson (13 years old). All the rest of my family is not on this Earth anymore. I kept leaving voicemails to my son as he never answered his phone and he kept saying you are a liar over and over, until, one night he called and told me not to call him ever again as he was sick of my lies, but I said they are not lies and I read him part of the written report. He said I no longer consider you my mother and you may not ever see Carter or talk to him again and he hung up. I can’t describe how I felt because what is worse than heartbreaking? My son was never like this before he got married to a girl 10 years younger who had serious problems with her mother so what chance did I as the Mother-in-law have? She hated me even before the engagement as she did not like the closeness that my son and I had. Finally, Jim abused me one night after three and a half years and really hurt me. He was drunk and that always put him into the so-called dementia rages. I had to get him evicted from our house of 40 years as his doctors and all my support groups said, the next thing he will do is kill you and then 10 minutes later he won’t remember that he did it. This really scared me and the police said I needed to do it. I did. Now there a lot of the story left, but I will not bore you with it, but I needed to tell you this to get to your story today. I had to sell the house for money and move into a facility where I do not belong, but I had nowhere else to go. There are over 100 people here. I was a manager for 40 of my working years and I always had to look the part. When I got here, the first time I went down for breakfast, nobody would let me sit at their table. I have no hearing loss, I do not have any dementia so I could here and see what they were saying about me. Five times I tried to go to breakfast never to ending up with a seat. They said I was trying to make them see that I was better than them. That was the fartherest from what I am. I am a very spiritual, church going person. My upper managers told me they thought sometimes, I was too trustworthy and too generous and kind. I guess maybe I am, but my mother told me I had been this way since I was 3 years old. I am what I am. I few people here have gotten to know me and they say I am a treasure for all I do for people I don’t even know. Kristen, so what do you do when you are stuck in this situation and you only have a few, I hope, are friends? Any advice for me. Sorry for the long message, but there is so much more to it. 16 months I have been waiting to get my divorce and get the Property Settlement done so our funds are distributed. They are all marital property and my son is trying to get it to be, I don’t get half of the assets, he does. My money is waning. Thank you for your devotional piece today. 50 is a good year so a Belated Birthday to you ! Have a Blessed Day. Betsy Basile
Dear Betsy
Thank you for your sharing. And yet you are still even now abiding in His Word. You still have the Christ’s love to show kindness, patience. You still have Christ’s strength to wait for breakthrough and we will pray together with you ! God loves you.
I read below a short excerpt by Lucado…and I hope it encourages you as it did me.
Excerpt “An Angels
Story” by Max Lucado
The King walked over and reached for the book. He turned it toward Lucifer and commanded, “Come, Deceiver, read the name of the One who will call your bluff. Read the name of the One who will storm your gates.” Satan rose slowly off his haunches. Like a wary wolf, he walked a wide circle toward the desk until he stood before the volume and read the word:
“Immanuel?” he muttered to himself, then spoke in a tone of disbelief. “God with us?” For the first time the hooded head turned squarely toward the face of the Father.
“No. Not even You would do that. Not even You would go so far.”
“You’ve never believed me, Satan.”
“”But Immanuel? The plan is bizarre! You don’t know what it’s like on Earth! You don’t know how dark I’ve made it. It’s putrid. It’s evil.It’s…””
“IT IS MINE,” proclaimed the King. “AND I WILL RECLAIM WHAT IS MINE. I WILL BECOME FLESH. I WILL FEEL WHAT MY CREATURES FEEL. I WILL SEE WHAT THEY SEE.”
“But what of their sin?”
“I WILL Bring MERCY.”
“What of their death?”
“I WILL GIVE LIFE.””
Satan stood speechless.
GOD spoke, “I love my children. Love does not take away the beloved’s freedom.
But love takes away fear.
And Immanuel will leave behind a tribe of fearless children. They will not fear you or your hell.”
Satan stepped back at the thought. His retort was childish. “Th-th-they will too!”
“I will take away all sin. I will take away death. Without sin and without death, you have no power.”
Around and around in a circle Satan paced, clenching and unclenching his wiry fingers.
When he finally stopped, he asked a question that even I was thinking. “Why? Why would You do this?”
The Father’s voice was deep and soft. “Because I love them.”
Dear Cindy……What a nice reply you gave to me. I appreciate it with all my heart. I particularly love the excerpt from ” An Angels Story.” I have read it several times so far. It was so very nice that you took the time to do this. I pray and pray and pray every day, The people (most of them) think that I am trying to show people up by the way I dress, but this is just me. I am sure that The Father loves me just the way I am. I am going to save your reply and thank you again for it. It is helping me to get through this terribly hot and humid day in PA. Hugs and prayers, I send to you…………..Betsy Basile
Kristin,
I shared your devotion x 2 and wanted to comment as a 58 year old to encouraging reader. I agree with you, there’s so-o-o-o much that is good about this age and stage. I’m grateful.
My mom gave me good advice in my 30’s saying fully live each decade. Look for the good and enjoy that season!
I’m so grateful for all my years and find them to be getting better and better.
Lisa Wilt
I’m in my mid-sixties, never married, but spent many times wishing I were. I finally reached a place where I am simply content with who I am and what Jesus directs me to do. Amen!
I’ve learned how to’ pick my battles ‘
Not to sweat the small stuff. Our bodies and brains don’t need to be in overdrive at this age.
Deep breathing is a great tool. Go get a massage.
Self care
Jesus is Peace ~
I’ve learned that all bear the image of God. Period. Even if they stray far from God.