No one that was there that day knew I was grieving more than the death of my mother.
No one present at her funeral knew I was broken in the grief of losing her, and also shattered by the reality that I had coincidently lost my faith, too. It felt like the foundation of who I was and what I believed had been stolen right from me — gone.
There was no warning, and if there had been, I’m not sure I would have even recognized it. I was in disbelief of the last breaths I witnessed when my mother passed and in confusion for the future that now stood in front of me.
It’s a harsh reality, a broken hallelujah, sitting with the loss of your mother and also the loss of your faith. It’s a loneliness that you cannot describe and one you truly cannot comprehend until you’re sitting with it, encompassed like a new skin, a new version of you that you never asked for . . . one that, in fact, you despise.
The loss of my mother came over time, a fatal diagnosis, though never truly expected. The loss of my faith came sudden and without any kind of indication of what was to come, of what was dissipating.
The raw truth is that I was angry with God. I was bewildered and hurt by His will for the life of my mother — a life that didn’t last as long as we’d envisioned. I felt betrayed and I felt abandoned. I felt alone. I felt weak. Then I felt ashamed for thinking and feeling all of those things.
In desperate longing, I thought of my mother — a woman with unwavering strength, even when her body was frail and failing. I wanted that strength. I wanted her courage and her resiliency. I wondered where she got it and how she kept it. I wondered what the source of her strength was so that I could find it too. And then the truth of those questions came, and it was undeniable.
Faith was her strength.
If I wanted her strength, I had to have her faith too. I had to remember His promises and His love. I had to remember His plan for the brokenhearted. If I wanted to heal, if I wanted grit, if I wanted to survive the heartbreak, I’d need my faith more than ever. I’d need Him.
In the doubt, in the low valleys, in the devastation and the despair, I need to hold tight to my faith and ask God for His help, grace, and guidance.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV
Upon this realization, I vulnerably wept in front of Him. Yes, broken and afraid, but also acknowledging all that I’d ever been taught about Him and His ways. I stopped trying to comprehend my loss and grief, and instead resolved to trust that while some things are incomprehensible, that doesn’t mean they’re not survivable.
- When we feel lonely, we are not.
- When we feel abandoned, we are not.
- When we feel betrayed or forgotten, we are not.
- When our faith feels as if it has been lost, it’s only being refined.
When we are in our lowest valleys, our darkest days, it is He who rescues us.
For, He is here . . . always. By our side like an invisible friend — guiding us, lifting us, reminding us of all of the beauty that remains, even in the midst of our sorrows.
It turns out that on a day where I thought I had lost two of the most meaningful aspects of my life, I’d really lost neither. For my faith and my mother coincide together, with Him — and that has been and will always be my strength.
My heart reaches out to you, Chelsea. I can relate to your post. My Mother had her Homegoing to Heaven in May of 2006. Mother’s Day has been hard since then, and I still miss her. After reading the above post, I went to your website and read other posts that I could relate to. Your yet-to-be-released book sounds like a book that will be meaningful to read. Thanks for sharing from your heart.
Melody, thank you for your beautiful words of compassion. I’m saying an intentional prayer for you this morning, as we both share a similar grief. My hope with my book is that it will reach all hearts that need it. Have a beautiful day and thank you for reading my heart’s work.
I run a Grief Support group and i hear this comment often. People are disappointed that God didn’t answer their prayers for healing. So they turn from God when they should be running to HIm. Thank you for this article, i will read it to my participants.
Bless you.
Marla, I’m so honored you’re share my words with them! It was hard to admit the challenges my faith took when my mother died, but years later, it’s so easy to see it’s now stronger than ever. If you ever need other similar work, you can find more on my website, which is dedicated to the writings of losing my mother. I write to make her proud, extend her legacy, and reach hearts like mine that are aching from the loss of such a significant figure in my life. This morning I’ll be saying an intentional prayer for you and all of the individuals in your support groups! Thank you for doing such meaningful work.
http://www.hopeandharshrealities.com
Marla, I’m so honored you’re share my words with them! It was hard to admit the challenges my faith took when my mother died, but years later, it’s so easy to see it’s now stronger than ever. If you ever need other similar work, you can find more on my website, which is dedicated to the writings of losing my mother. I write to make her proud, extend her legacy, and reach hearts like mine that are aching from the loss of such a significant figure in my life. This morning I’ll be saying an intentional prayer for you and all of the individuals in your support groups! Thank you for doing such meaningful work.
Chelsea,
I lost my momma to metastatic breast cancer. She was 39 and beautiful. I was 10 and my brother was 8. We had a wonderful dad who lost his soulmate. He never remarried until I graduated from college.
Life is a see saw of harsh realities and abundant blessings.
I must bless the Lord oh my soul and all that is within me bless His holy name. He sustains you and me Chelsea. His mercies are new every morning . Thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading your book!
Our moms would be proud of us and the way relied on our caring and loving Father.
Dee, thank you so much for these words. They brought tears to my eyes! It felt like something my mother would have said to me. He DOES sustain you and me. So true. So encouraging. Thank you for taking time to read my heart’s work and for wanting to read my upcoming book. It’s all in hopes to make my mother proud and help hearts like yours and mine. Have a great day!
This is so very beautiful Chelsea – My momma went home February 2018, 2 months after my ‘little sister’, age 55, in December 2017. I miss them both so very deeply. My mom’s spirit was broken after my sister died of ovarian cancer. And now they are healed in the arms of Jesus. My heart still hurts and I miss them dearly but I cling to the Hope we have in Jesus and the beautiful healing and reunion someday. Thank you for this beautiful post, I can imagine your book will be a beautiful read, journey of healing, hope, faith and pointing to The One who can restore all and is victorious over all… God bless you, walk with you and heal your heart one day at a time.
Tamara, thank you so much for reading my heart’s work and for being so kind and supportive. I’m saying an intentional prayer for you this afternoon– for continued hope and light! I truly appreciate your compassion and encouragement more than you know!
Chelsea-
I lost my fiancé unexpectedly and I was the one that found him. Even though it will be 5 years in October, your post brought tears to my eyes. All of the feelings you felt were identical to mine. I knew that running away from God was not the answer. I kept myself immersed in His Word and worshipped through the tears.
I may still feel the loss but I know that I will see him on the day I am called to eternity.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful post. I plan to share with a friend about your book…she recently lost her mother about 2 years ago. Have a blessed day!
Kim, thank you so much for your kindness and thoughtfulness. I appreciate it so much. It’s a vulnerable thing to share with the word, but it’s a piece of my grief journey. I’m saying an intentional prayer for you this afternoon- for continued light, hope and love on your own grief journey! Thank you for sharing my upcoming book with your friend. It’s written in hopes of reaching hearts like mine, hurting from the pain of missing a mother. Have a beautiful day.
Dearest Chelsea!
Thank you for sharing!
I, too, felt exactly like you when my mom died of cancer!
I was angry at God and tried to run away from Him!
But our God is relentless!
And does not let us go!
He leaves the 99 to find that 1 who is lost!
Hallelujah!!!
Yes! I fell on my knees and wept!
I felt His arms around me!
I still remember that night!
God is my strength and my refuge! And will always be!
Praise the Lord!
I look forward to your book!
Hugs and prayers to you!
Joanie Hunt
Joanie, yes, yes, yes!! Our God is certainly relentless– and holds us even when we’re resisting. Thank you so much for your beautiful light and kindness! I’m so appreciative. I’m saying an intentional prayer for you this afternoon. May you know the uplifting light you bring to those around you, and even someone like me, from afar!
This spoke to me. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing.
Darlene, thank you for reading my heart’s work. I appreciate it. Have a blessed day.
Dear Chelsea,
I am so sorry about your Mother and temporarily your faith. My mother will be gone 8 years this month and I always have trouble getting through May with Mother’s day and also her birthday is May 29th. People say it gets easier, but I have not gotten there yet and I will never forget what a good Mom she was. I wasn’t mad at God, but I was furious with my sister who should have been home when whatever happened happened. My mother was living with her and on top of what my mother told me what my sister did to her, We don’t know how long she was laying in the tub, with no response. When she called me, I asked her to please wait 10 minutes for me to come and follow her to the hospital as I was not familiar with where they took Mother. She said ” NO”, yet she waited for her daughter. My husband was in Italy so he was not there or he could have taken me. To top the whole thing off, my Mother survived, but with no response for 3 days, and she would not come and get me and I am the older sister. My mother told me a couple of weeks before that she made a mistake and gave my sister POA. My sister drained her bank account, never paid my mom any rent,because it was my Mother’s house and she also abused my mother; hence my mother was terrified of her. I asked her why she did not tell me this or make me POA. I said Mother, you know I would have never done anything like that and the other things I would take care of. We did not have room at our house as my husband’s mother was living with us for 16 years (another bad story). Since my sister knows now that Mother told me all this has not spoken to me for 8 years. Sorry to ramble on, but it is so difficult to try and forgive her like God wants us to, but she really stepped way over the line. Thanks for your great story and I hope you have a nice weekend. Love the books……………………..Betsy Basile
Betsy, please don’t apologize. This is not a ramble. This is your heart. Your story. I’m honored to read it and so sorry you had to experience not only grief, but extra pain and disappointment from those around you. I’m saying an intentional prayer for you this afternoon. May you be surrounded with love, light and comfort as you continue walking this path of grief, compounding by the hurt of trusting family members. May you know how much you are loved and supported, even from strangers like me from afar. Thank you for reading my words and taking the time to share how they resonate. It’s the very reason I write– to support, to comfort and to extend my mother’s legacy. Have a beautiful day, Betsy!
Chelsea thank you so much for this. I miss my Mum every day. I don’t know if was saved. As you couldn’t tell my Mum you need to be saved. As she’d thinks your preaching at her. So all I did was pray for my Mum. My Mum did say Dawn where did I get you from. As she was not a Church goer really. Went now and then but not that often. My Mum said you go Church read your Bible and believe all that. I just said to her God has me hear for a reason. I could tell my Mum I am praying for you. That is all I could tell her. I kept her in my prayers. But my Mum also with Dad who still alive but not saved either. I am thankful for both of them as they sent me and my Sister’s to Sunday School. Even though not good Church goers themselves. My Dad still not. But would go if someone Funeral if he knew them. So I just pray for his Salvation too. My Dad knows that. When it comes to things like Mother’s Day and my Mum’s Birthday you really miss them. Wish they were here for to celebrate these times with you. Letting them know they are special and Loved so much by spoiling them. God said to me when I lost my Mum. Dawn I am hear for you. God gave me the verse in Joshua 1v9. That he commanded me to be strong not afraid. For that he is with me wherever I go. That spoke to me. That have God looking after me. Even if my late Mum not here to do that. Even though I have my Husband. But my Mum always said when alive. I am your Mum I will always be here for you. So you have nothing to be afraid of be strong. When my Mum was not anymore. That verse spoke to me. I have a God who is with me wherever I go. That he will never leave me. I have clung to that. I have good memories of times spent together that I will always treasure. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little Enniskillen Co.Fermanagh N.Ireland. Xx
Dawn, this is so beautiful. I feel so honored to read these pieces of your journey- your story. And what a beautiful piece of comfort in scripture from Joshua 1:9. I appreciate you reading my words, as they pour from my heart, usually from the most delicate and vulnerable spaces. I’m saying an intentional prayer for you today, that as these difficult holidays and days of celebration come, you’ll be surrounded by light, love and the comfort from Him and those around you. That you’ll feel the presence of those you’ve lost and know love knows no end, no bounds. Have a beautiful day, Dawn.
Thank you Chelsea for you lovely reply. I read on comment. I God said it in. If Family saved. Like my Husband mum who die of cancer. You might not have them this side of earth anymore. But you can treasure the memories of times spent together. You will always miss them. But you have not lost all. When you time up on earth you will see them again. Then you be together for ever again in Heaven with Jesus . You have that to look forward to. That is so true. My Husband mum was saved. Had to share what God give me. Said a prayer for all people in this reading plus you. Who have and don’t have their Mum’s. Love Big hugs to everyone. Love Dawn xx
I am surprised that it seems as if I am the first one to reply. I know there are some that have such a special and precious relationship with their parents, siblings’, spouse, and their children. Losing these people can most certainly change you in various ways.I now recognize that, some stuff it, putting it in a box, cry out to the Lord, or drift away, take classes, read books, get counseling, get mad, get depressed. There are so many ways of experiencing and processing grief. I wish I could tell you how the Holy Spirit brought me comfort immediately. However, He has finally given me back so much. We lost our only son In July of 2022.
We prayed throughout his entire life. We also lost our first. The Word , the Father, have become so much real to me. I would be hopeless without this kind of faith.
Sue, your faith sounds so much like my mother’s— steadfast and inspiring! Lifting you in so much prayer for continued light, hope and love. Thank you so much for reading my work and taking the time to share a piece of your story. Have a blessed day.
I lost my mom, then my dad, then my uncle, I retired, and then I lost my heart dog and then I broke. It was unexpected and I was alone and couldn’t pull myself out of the depression and grief. I broke into a million pieces inside. Outside everything looked fine, because I can lie or look like I’m fine but inside I was broken. It all hit so hard and the feelings were so deep, I didn’t know if I could go on. I went to a dark place that scared me and I don’t ever want to go to again. I got a therapist, medication, my pastor. I did everything I knew to do. But in the breaking and the loss I found a new relationship with God. It wasn’t easy and I still struggle some I won’t lie. I’m still alone with no family but my dog and four cats but I’m trying. Each day I have to decide to try and find some joy and some gratitude for the life I have. It is hard, still, but God is good. He has seen me thru some very hard times. I have fought depression my whole life but this was a place I had never been. Grief and loss take you to a place you never want to go and experience feelings you haven’t felt before. But God is good! So now I’m still alone but with another best friend my dog Lacey, four cats, still alone, I volunteer at the Senior Center, and of course Church. I still struggle with depression and anxiety, but it’s not as bad as it was. I try each day, one day at a time, try to find some joy and hope, church helps a lot, but I won’t lie some days are hard. I’m an introvert and that makes things harder but I try and God is good all the time! These times are where we truly realize who God is and how powerful He is. He walks with me through each day. Every day isn’t pervect, I still struggle sometimes, but I”m trying and God is with me to help me. Thank you for your words in this, they are true. Sometimes broken hallelujah’s are allwe have, but God takes them and gives us strength to move forward and go even in the brokeness. Thank you for your words.
Denise, this is so beautiful and full of truth! Thank you for sharing pieces of your story with me. I relate to so much of it. My faith is stronger than it has ever been, and that doesn’t mean I don’t still have challenges, but each time I know that God is good. And my brokenness, is what truly opened me up to understanding and accepting His plan, His promises, and everything in between! Saying an intentional prayer for you this morning. May you feel comforted, always. May you feel loved, always. And may you know that you are more than the sum of your anxiety and your worry. Have a beautiful day! Thank you for reading my work.
Chelsea,
I lost my mom in 2009 after a two year battle with dementia. It was a bittersweet day. I was happy that she was no longer suffering down here. Missed her just the same. It was harder on my sisters who don’t live close. They didn’t see her daily & how she was waning away. It was taking a toll on my dad also. The death hit him hard. Through it all I kept my faith. He answered my prayers to take mama & end her suffering. I guess if you know where they’re going you can rejoice for that person..
Blessings 🙂