For years, I’d confess and re-confess past sins in prayer.

I felt lonely with old secrets, my pillow haunted by foolish things I did or said ten years prior. I reviewed my failures like a rolodex while I scrubbed dishes or washed my hair. Deep down, I felt unlikeable. I dreamed of feeling beautiful, known and cherished. But I allowed my past mistakes to bar me from believing that I was already all these things and more. So, I buried my longings and pressed on.  

In 2021, my Bible reading plan brought me to the Last Supper. I’d read the passage before . . . but, this time, I sensed God inviting me to take a closer look at the story of Jesus washing his disciples’ feet.  

I knew the disciples walked to dinner in sandals on dusty, dung-dotted streets. Surely, their dirty feet kept them from fully relaxing at the table with Jesus and with one another. As I pondered this, it prompted me to think of all the ways my shame keeps me from resting with God and friends.

When Jesus washed his friends’ feet, He did not say, “Let’s talk about this dirty water.” He didn’t make the dirt the centerpiece on the table; He didn’t lecture them about it. No. He probably dumped the dirty water out the window! That done, He could talk with them about all the other things that He was so eager to share with them.  

During supper, Jesus encouraged the disciples — He told them secrets, made incredible promises, gave them instructions, comforted them and simply dined with them. He did all of this because He loved them. The first thing He said when He sat down with his friends was, “I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you.” In Greek, this can literally be translated to, “I have been longing with longing to eat this Passover with you.”

As I opened my journal, I sensed Jesus saying the same to me. I wrote:

“Heather, I have been longing with longing to spend this time with you, to encourage you and teach you, to tell you my secrets and simply be with you, because I love you.”

I imagined sitting at a lunch table with Jesus and finally embracing Him as the one who formed my inward parts, the one who knows my anxious thoughts. I saw Him for who He’s always been and how He chose my gifts and talents, seeing beyond all my past sins and future endeavors. I pictured Him looking kindly into my face, eager to forgive all and encourage my longing heart. As I thought about all these things, I came to find that this was not a scary table to sit at — it was a no-defenses, restful place to sit . . . being fully known and fully loved by the God of the universe.  

I knew there were depths I had not plumbed with God and levels I had not yet experienced in community, all because I was consumed with staring at my dirty water basin instead of letting Jesus dump it out. My sin kept me from believing in the grace God had already graciously gifted me. So in my journal, I made a bullet point list of the sins and mistakes that still felt caked on me. As I wrote, the Holy Spirit brought to my mind many things I carried shame about. I repented of the fresh ones and sloughed off the old ones, many from childhood. Then, once they were all in front of me like a muddy water basin, I pictured Jesus dumping them down the gutter! As they went, I crossed them off my list, one at a time and thanking God.

Immediately, I felt a free-spiritedness and a soul-deep rest — a rest that I had not felt in so long and that has not gone away since.  

Maybe shame keeps you from leaning in at the table, too? That’s a ploy of the enemy, you know? Satan tempts us to sin, then drags us down, accusing us and terrorizing us with guilt. He wields shame to hold us back from the union with God that Christ offers.

But, Jesus is longing with longing to be very near you. Your whole lifelong He has been sitting at the cafeteria lunch table, leaning forward on His elbows, enamored with you. He wants to tilt your chin up and say, “You are beautiful. I love what you do. I really like you.” He wants to encourage you and comfort you and teach you and tell you His secrets. 

So, read Luke 22:7-15 and John 13:1-17 and imagine yourself reclining at the table. Invite Jesus with you as you make a list of the things you carry shame about. Then, watch Him wash them off . . . one at a time.

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