For years, I’d confess and re-confess past sins in prayer.
I felt lonely with old secrets, my pillow haunted by foolish things I did or said ten years prior. I reviewed my failures like a rolodex while I scrubbed dishes or washed my hair. Deep down, I felt unlikeable. I dreamed of feeling beautiful, known and cherished. But I allowed my past mistakes to bar me from believing that I was already all these things and more. So, I buried my longings and pressed on.
In 2021, my Bible reading plan brought me to the Last Supper. I’d read the passage before . . . but, this time, I sensed God inviting me to take a closer look at the story of Jesus washing his disciples’ feet.
I knew the disciples walked to dinner in sandals on dusty, dung-dotted streets. Surely, their dirty feet kept them from fully relaxing at the table with Jesus and with one another. As I pondered this, it prompted me to think of all the ways my shame keeps me from resting with God and friends.
When Jesus washed his friends’ feet, He did not say, “Let’s talk about this dirty water.” He didn’t make the dirt the centerpiece on the table; He didn’t lecture them about it. No. He probably dumped the dirty water out the window! That done, He could talk with them about all the other things that He was so eager to share with them.
During supper, Jesus encouraged the disciples — He told them secrets, made incredible promises, gave them instructions, comforted them and simply dined with them. He did all of this because He loved them. The first thing He said when He sat down with his friends was, “I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you.” In Greek, this can literally be translated to, “I have been longing with longing to eat this Passover with you.”
As I opened my journal, I sensed Jesus saying the same to me. I wrote:
“Heather, I have been longing with longing to spend this time with you, to encourage you and teach you, to tell you my secrets and simply be with you, because I love you.”
I imagined sitting at a lunch table with Jesus and finally embracing Him as the one who formed my inward parts, the one who knows my anxious thoughts. I saw Him for who He’s always been and how He chose my gifts and talents, seeing beyond all my past sins and future endeavors. I pictured Him looking kindly into my face, eager to forgive all and encourage my longing heart. As I thought about all these things, I came to find that this was not a scary table to sit at — it was a no-defenses, restful place to sit . . . being fully known and fully loved by the God of the universe.
I knew there were depths I had not plumbed with God and levels I had not yet experienced in community, all because I was consumed with staring at my dirty water basin instead of letting Jesus dump it out. My sin kept me from believing in the grace God had already graciously gifted me. So in my journal, I made a bullet point list of the sins and mistakes that still felt caked on me. As I wrote, the Holy Spirit brought to my mind many things I carried shame about. I repented of the fresh ones and sloughed off the old ones, many from childhood. Then, once they were all in front of me like a muddy water basin, I pictured Jesus dumping them down the gutter! As they went, I crossed them off my list, one at a time and thanking God.
Immediately, I felt a free-spiritedness and a soul-deep rest — a rest that I had not felt in so long and that has not gone away since.
Maybe shame keeps you from leaning in at the table, too? That’s a ploy of the enemy, you know? Satan tempts us to sin, then drags us down, accusing us and terrorizing us with guilt. He wields shame to hold us back from the union with God that Christ offers.
But, Jesus is longing with longing to be very near you. Your whole lifelong He has been sitting at the cafeteria lunch table, leaning forward on His elbows, enamored with you. He wants to tilt your chin up and say, “You are beautiful. I love what you do. I really like you.” He wants to encourage you and comfort you and teach you and tell you His secrets.
So, read Luke 22:7-15 and John 13:1-17 and imagine yourself reclining at the table. Invite Jesus with you as you make a list of the things you carry shame about. Then, watch Him wash them off . . . one at a time.
Leave a Comment
Madeline says
Such wonderful, wise words Heather. And something I needed to read. No matter how many times I try to tell myself that I have been forgiven, that guilt creeps up.
Heather Paige Hunt says
I definitely know what you mean. I said a prayer for you this morning- full and permanent freedom for Madeline. Amen.
Susen says
Love the ‘imagining’ part of your post. Funny, because just before I hopped over here to read my daily (in)courage email I wrote in my journal. My journal entry today was about leaving my cares at the feet of Jesus. Literally, seeing Jesus and me kneeling down at His feet and leaving my cares with Him as I said the words, “Heart of Jesus, help me.” A prayer line from the Prayer of the Sacred Heart. It can truly make a difference to draw a picture and imagine it in our minds.
Blessings!
Heather Paige Hunt says
That’s amazing! I love God’s timing. Thanks so much for sharing.
Gail says
That visual of Jesus throwing the dirty water out without discussing it— that’s powerful. Thank you!
Heather Paige Hunt says
Yes! It meant so much to me when I realized it too!
Lisa Wilt says
I love this! “Jesus is longing with longing to be very near you.”
You brought this passage to life. I too can remember the most random things from my past that I wish I wouldn’t have said, wishing I could redo them.
Thank YOU! Have a blessed Saturday!
Sandy Stewart says
Heather, your Holy Spirit inspired words have spoken to me in the depth of my being. THIS is exactly why Jesus came, died and rose again. To set us free! Free from the fate of hell when we die and free to an overcoming life here on earth. It is ALL Him—oh how I will lean in, seek HIM and walk in victory as He reveals to my spirit just as He has to yours. Thank you♥️
Heather Paige Hunt says
Tell it! Thats the good news! so, thank you for that double encouragement.
Terry says
Beautiful! Thank you so much for writing this Heather! ❤
Lisa says
Heather, thank you so much for such a good word and for being so vulnerable. This was a really powerful message, one so many of us need to hear and listen to. Praise God for his forgiving and his dumping!
Heather Paige Hunt says
Thank you. And Jesus continues to preach this to me too as I make new mistakes to let him wash away.
Laura says
Love this! Especially love the insight around His “longing with longing”. That’s so beautiful! And the idea about dumping out the dirty water definitely resonates. Thanks for using your gift of writing to share these truths and encouragements!
Simoiya says
Thanks for this encouraging word, never thought of Jesus sitting at the table not judging me. I am ashamed of so many mistakes I made in the past. Mostly ashamed of the abuse I have endured for years by my narcissistic husband. Please keep me and my kids in your prayer. Even pray that my husband get delivered by the Holy Ghost.
Heather Paige Hunt says
Lord, bless Simoya and her family today. Show her the depths of your love and tell her anew of how very much you treasure her and want to cradle her in both her past and present. Amen.
Beth W says
Simoiya,
Father God help Simoiya know that she did nothing wrong to deserve the abuse she received from her husband. Guide her steps & give her a discerning heart to know your will for her. Help her to know deep in her soul how much you love & care for her. AMEN
Blessings 🙂
Sarah Barr says
What powerful imagery! Thank you for sharing your insights.
Marcella says
God spoke to me in your message, guilt has had a hold on me for so long but this message was so timely. Thank you for reminding us that Jesus has washed away our sins.
Blessings
Beth W says
Heather,
It has taken me many years to realize that Jesus wants a relationship with me. Then I went through trials with my aging parents’ dementia. God graciously & patiently got me through those tumultuous years. Now I find it easy to have a conversation with Him. I feel no condemnation just love from Him.
Great post.
Blessings 🙂