There was a time in my life when my parents couldn’t be in the same room with each other. As a kid, I learned to wait on the wicker love seat and stare impatiently out the big picture window. (Yes, it was the early nineties and we had wicker furniture in the living room.) As soon as I saw my dad’s black sedan pull into the driveway, I would yell to my sisters that it was time to go and we would race out the front door. Was I that excited to see my dad? Honestly, not really. I was just that eager to avoid him coming up to the house and igniting a possible confrontation with my mom.
In middle school, I remember standing up for my trumpet solo and quickly scanning the crowded gymnasium in search of supportive faces. I spotted my mom in the left set of bleachers and my dad in the farthest possible section to the right. In high school, when I got the lead in Oklahoma, my parents came to different shows, careful not to cross paths lest a community theater become a battleground.
There were a thousand spoken and unspoken hurts between my parents that spilled over into my heart. The way my dad wouldn’t help pay for my sister’s dance classes to make life harder for my mom. The way my mom didn’t hide her disdain for the summer vacations my dad took us girls on, which made me feel like my excitement was a betrayal. Fifteen years of marriage in and as many years of bitterness out. I never knew if their divorce was the right choice, the only choice. As a kid I never longed for them to get back together—I just wanted things to be different. I just wanted to escape the shrapnel of their pain.
At my college graduation, my dad pretended not to hear me when I asked him to stand next to me for a picture with our whole family—the original five. When I was getting married, my mom didn’t want to sit beside my dad and his new wife; my dad didn’t want to sit in the row behind my mom. Several verbal blowups and low blows left me gutted. Three days before my big day, I looked at my wedding dress hanging on the closet door and wondered if my dad would even show up to walk me down the aisle.
I share all this not as a catalog of grievances against my parents but to set the stage for the miracle I never expected.
Fast-forward several years to when my dad was in a difficult place in his life—well, difficult is an understatement. His second marriage had failed, as had his business and his health. Thanksgiving was approaching. Holidays are always extra complicated for kids of divorce. My sisters and I were all married at this point and had to juggle time with our in-laws and separate gatherings for our mom and dad. Now that my dad was single and struggling, the responsibility to host a celebration with him fell to one of us girls—an added stress when our individual lives were already maxed and being with Dad didn’t feel especially celebratory.
The details of what happened next have become a bit fuzzy through the fog of years. The question might have come through an email or group text thread, or maybe we were talking on the phone while I nursed a baby. Either way, I’ll never forget my mom’s words: “How would you feel if I invited your dad to join us for Thanksgiving?”
As I sat there speechless, my mom went on to explain how she understood what a burden it was to navigate three family get-togethers and how the busyness could take away from the joy of the holiday. She said she wasn’t sure if Dad would accept an invitation from her, but she felt like the Lord was asking her to extend it.
Honestly? My first thought was No way! I pictured the awkwardness of being in the same house all together. I thought about how I would take the chaos of bouncing from one Thanksgiving dinner to the next to the next over the tension of sitting at the same table with my parents for an extended meal. The family chasm caused by their divorce was way too wide to bridge with some mashed potatoes and gravy. Years and years of conflict and failed resolutions proved that reconciliation was impossible, right? So why even try?
Given our family history, this knee-jerk reaction was understandable — but it was also rooted in fear. I’m grateful to tell you that my initial response didn’t win out.
The first miracle was my mom asking my dad to Thanksgiving dinner. The second miracle was the doorbell ringing and my dad showing up in his classic corduroy slacks and argyle sweater and handing my mom a bottle of Martinelli’s. The miracles after that were too many to count.
As little ones threw corn kernels from high chairs and unspoken words passed in sideways glances between sisters, we made it through that first Thanksgiving dinner. My dad thanked my mom for inviting him and complimented her cooking. My mom thanked my dad for coming and gave him another piece of homemade pie to go. It felt a bit like I was living someone else’s life.
It was hard and uncomfortable and so very worth it. I left that dinner with a belly full of turkey and a heart full of praise. What I thought was surely impossible turned out not to be. From our pain God produced a miracle — and I’m still giving thanks.
Today’s devotion is an excerpt from Becky Keife’s chapter, “What If Pain Is the Stage for Miracles?” in our (in)courage book, Come Sit with Me: How to Delight in Differences, Love through Disagreements, and Live with Discomfort.
You can listen to Becky read the entire chapter on this special episode of the (in)courage podcast.
Leave a Comment
Angela says
As someone praying for reconciliation, I can’t even begin to tell you how much this story meant to my aching heart this morning. Thank you! Thank you so much!
Becky Keife says
Angela, I’m praising God for His good timing… in bringing you this word today… and in the miracles yet to come.
Dee says
Piggy backing Angela as someone praying for reconciliation with our adult son. Your story brought both laughter and tears.
Sometimes I feel like reconciliation is for someone else but not for our family. It’s been so, so long. But God….. His timing and not mine.
Thank you for sending along a bit of encouragement Becky.
Becky Keife says
Dee, the waiting, the praying, the waiting…. it’s so heartwrenching (sometimes heart-hardening) hard. I get it. So does our Lord. Keep leaning on Him, putting your hope in Him. He is worthy of our trust!
KathleenB says
Dee,
Like you, I’m praying for reconciliation with our adult son and have for many years. The estrangement epidemic of our times is far reaching.
I do believe, also like you, this is God’s timing. I know His divine hand is in these circumstances and found encouragement in Becky’s wisdom. Thank you,Becky!
Peace,
Kathleen
Becky Keife says
Kathleen, thank you for being here and helping encourage our hearts!
Joanne says
Just….thank you! “Strength for today, hope for tomorrow”.
Becky Keife says
You’re so welcome, Joanne. Thank you for reading.
Cathy says
What a joyfilled outcome to years of anguish and pain!
Becky Keife says
Yes!! Thank you, God!
bethanna grace white says
In between the lines were many stories of hurt. In her writing she did not have to give specifics to know this is true,
Thankful for her and her family’s willingness to include her dad for thanksgiving. I hope many thanksgivings to come and peace and healing came.
Becky Keife says
Thank you, Bethanna. My dad has been gone now for many years… but he did join us for every holiday meal from that first Thanksgiving until his death. Only Jesus could make a way where there was none.
Irene says
Yup. Impossible things happen every day!
Becky Keife says
Amen!
Susen says
Wow Becky! Reading this was like reading my own personal story and situation that happened to me between my divorced and quarrelsome parents. Your story and situation was almost exact to mine, especially the part about the wedding. My parents did not have any communication with each other. They never wanted to speak to each other. Never had nice words to say and a second marriage for my dad caused a lot of that. But even though I saw the issues, I remained loving and kind to both of my parents, and even though my dad’s second wife at times made things hard, I kept quiet and respectful for the sake of the relationship with my Father.
Long story short Christmas day 2019 both my mom and my dad broke bread with us at my dining room table. My dad’s second wife passed away, and my dad moved back to the state both my mom and I both lived in and actually moved into the same apartment building that my mom lived in which was also right down the street for me. Over 40 years of alot of negative feelings and emotion and unspoken and not so gentle spoken words, we were all given back as a blessing to me my mom and my dad as they both agreed peacefully and on their own accord to have Christmas dinner at my home and much to my surprise and my husbands, they spoke as if those 40+ years never existed. Instead, they shared memories conversation about current times and all in all an absolutely beautiful and amazing meal and holiday celebration. Unbeknownst to any of us that was both of my parents last Christmas on this earth as they both passed away a few months later in 2020 and so Becky, I look back on that day as you said in your story, a miracle and a blessing. And he reminds me of Romans 8:28 “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God”
Thank you for sharing your story it allowed me to get back on my knees and praise and thank God again for that beautiful day I call a miracle
God Bless!
Becky Keife says
Wow, Susen. Thank you for sharing your story too! God, indeed, works all things together for our good! I’m so sorry for the passing of both of your parents, yet thanking God with you for the miracle you got to witness this side of heaven. The last time I saw my dad before his sudden death was Christmas 2011… another gathering with my whole family. The grief and gratitude persist…
Brenda M. Russell says
How sweet to see kindness win ! I am so thankful for good people allowing God to direct their decisions even when their has been a past of hurt. It’s so difficult for some people to say, I was wrong and I am sorry. I apologize to you and ask you to forgive me. In the place of sadness and pain, we can place kindness and a new beginning.
I love seeing my three girls. Now that they are sweet young adults, I see them two at a time and almost never three at a time unless we are on FaceTime.
When they were all very young and in school, they were always making plans to go somewhere and be with their individual friends. Where did the time go so swiftly? I miss those days a lot. I listen much better these days because I value hearing from my girls.
Thank You Lord for allowing me to become a mother.
Brenda
A Mother Who Loves God
Terry says
Oh how your story brought tears to my eyes Becky! My husband and I had 3 girls. We separated, divorced and I was the one who remarried. Turned out to be a bad decision, as my 2nd husband was abusive. But God kept me safe. I stayed almost 5 years and then he died. I met a wonderful Christian man and he and I have been able to have Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners together with my first husband and my daughters. I sat between them at my youngest daughter’s wedding. Was it awkward at times? You bet! My girls have said though, many times, we are so thankful that you and dad can get along. God is good. Miracles can happen.
barbnjerry74@msn.com says
Lord bless you as new holiday dinners come up & hopefully each one brings more blessings & peace.
I enjoy your messages so much & am encouraged to see miracles in your life thru this reconciliation of your parents.
Happy Thanksgiving to you & your family!
Barbara
Freda Shiner says
This reminder is timely and welcomed- thank you!
Similar situations are evident all around us and touch us.
Our family is blessed snd challenged with estranged relationships and the baby steps we are taking to bring reconciliation are a reminder that God is so good and even in pain teaches us how to love each other as He loves us!
I am continually amazed at what He does — eternally grateful!
Carol Brown says
Wow! What an incredible miracle. May healing continue for your family
Gayle says
Absolutely Beautiful, Your story sounds like me & my ex with our children… Thanks for sharing ❤️
Beth Williams says
Becky,
God can work miracles in our lives. He can soften & change hearts. Praising God for the miracle you got that Thanksgiving & the many more that came after.
Blessings 🙂
Geralyn says
Thank for sharing this post, Becky. I always imagined you to have a “perfect life” and was a bit jealous that my life was not so “perfect”. And I felt my lack of a “perfect” life would effect my ability to be an earnest follower of Jesus. Thank you for exposing part of your story and for making yourself so relatable to others. reading this was a Holy Moment for me.
Becky Keife says
Oh, sister. Perfection is such a myth! The enemy is so good at trying to disqualify us with the belief that others have it better, easier, etc. God sees the heart and He is so delighted that you are His! Thank you for being here, Geralyn, and for sharing so honestly. I appreciate you! And I’m praising God for His good timing and His ability to take our broken pieces and make something beautiful.