This sentiment orbits around me. The childhood trauma of my parents’ divorce acts as its gravitational pull. In the breakup of their marriage, my mom was awarded primary custody of my brother and me, my dad was given significant visitation rights, and nine-year-old me inherited this false messaging:
You are disposable!
No one actually said those words to me. But in the upheaval, grieving, and wounding, I was left with this scarring. Like a skillful makeup artist, I learned to hide the bruising. Achievements and accolades were the perfect concealer, and having a boyfriend meant that at least I mattered to someone, even if he didn’t have the capacity to truly see me.
But beneath the homecoming queen crown, the college graduate honors, and the multiple degrees, the fear of being insignificant clung to me. It melded into me. It stayed with me. Even now, we seem inseparable. It speaks to who I am as a wife, as a mom:
You are disposable! You don’t matter!
It wants to be my forever song, the score to my life’s unfolding. It wants to be the lead vocals, and whenever I experience rejection, fear turns up the volume and presses repeat. It gets the spotlight and summons all my attention. Hearing this reverberating bouncing around in the recesses of my being is exhausting. It’s a constant tug-of-war.
You are disposable! You don’t matter! You are insignificant!
Recently, the noise of my fear has been deafening. I have been losing sleep and agonizing over the pain of feeling invisible and invaluable. And yes, I know that God sees me and values me. I don’t struggle with that at all. My strife has been with humans devaluing me. I am deflated when people treat me like I don’t matter. I can tell myself that it shouldn’t matter what people think of me, that I should solely be concerned with how God sees me and knows me, but that doesn’t reconcile the countless times that in someone else’s decision-making process, I’ve been overlooked and felt like an afterthought or a pawn.
The anxiety pushed me to desperation, and I cried out to El Roi — the One who not only sees me but who sees everything. In moments like these, I feel like I shouldn’t need God to affirm me, that mature faith doesn’t need to be coddled. But desperation overrode my ego. In my exhaustion, I was like a toddler crawling into a nurturing lap to be embraced by grace-filled arms.
As I surrendered, my life’s major events unfolded in my mind like a movie recap. But in the re-viewing, I heard a different score of songs. I began to clearly see elements at work that I had not given much attention to before. I grabbed my journal and started writing.
Who saw me when I thought I was invisible?
- During my parents’ divorce, my grandma Pearline made sure I knew I was special to her.
- When my mom remarried and it seemed as though her new husband wanted her without her children, my grandma Virginia brought attention to my loneliness and pain.
- When I needed support along my academic journey, several people played key roles in escorting me from being a first-generation college student to becoming a college professor. It was a series of miracles.
- When I was in situations where someone was taking advantage of me, my husband intervened and shut down the whole operation.
Names and events flowed like a waterfall. I journaled for pages. The list went on and on of how love manifested through people seeing me, hearing me, and valuing me. As I reflected and recorded in my journal, the volume of the old song (which does not bear repeating) began fading into the background. I had given too much attention to my story’s antagonists. I had allowed shadows to consume my life’s stage. I was ready for the protagonist to take its rightful place, front and center. I was now seeing all that had been invisible to me. I was ready to sing a new song:
I matter. I am seen. I am valued. I am heard.
When you feel vulnerable, invisible, or forgotten, remember that God not only sees you, but comes alongside you and cares for you. Matthew 6:26 (NIV) reminds us:
“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”
When lies try to deplete you, ask El Roi, the One who sees you, to remind you of your visibility, your value, and your significance. Bring yourself back to truth. You matter. You are seen. You are valued. You are heard. Rehearse truth’s song. Turn up the volume and allow it to refresh you.
This article was written by Lucretia Berry and originally appeared on (in)courage in December 2021.
Krista says
This was extremely timely. Thank you for reminding me of the new song of truth I can sing over my life because I have a Father who truly cares and sees me. Thank you!!
Madeline says
So helpful for me. I have shared some of the very same feelings growing up and even now as a 69 year old. I often felt like I was a mistake. Too long to share the circumstances of why. I love the idea of making the list and remembering who was there.
Thank you.
Sue says
YOU are valued – YOU are loved. As I read your post, I heard a lot of myself; your musing about your grandmothers showed so much love. Thank you for sharing your story, that others may live through the grief you knew. In sharing, you have lifted so many others and I hope found healing.
Dawn Ferguson-Little says
Thank you for today reading Lucretia. It hurts when parents break up for no matter what reason. No matter who is to blame for the brake up. When I was growing up as Child. I always thought my Mum and Dad Marriage was for life. But when Married 25 years. It broke up because my Dad done wrong. He had an affair. I always thought when you married someone you made your vows to stay. My late Mum not hear today. I had to help her through all the hurt. It hurt me and my Sister’s to see my Dad hurt my Mum. My hurt us to by what he done. But in it all I had to forgive my Dad for all his wrong. Even though he has still not said sorry to us. As I am only one saved in my family. I told my Dad I have forgiven him. As of I not I not be doing his home help today for him. It the right thing to do as it says in Ephesians 4 v 32 Be Kind hearted and Loving forgiving one another as God in Christ forgive you. How true that is. As God forgives is for all the wrong we do. Plus is still Kind and Loving. We that are saved have to follow in God’s footsteps. Do the same as that verse. I might not have it written down right. But that is the basic of it. God tell us in the “Father’s Love Letter” you get on YouTube how special we are to him and that he knows all about us. It is worth listening to. It tell us what God our Heavenly Father thinks of us. How much he loves us. I say Amen to that. Thank you for today’s reading. Love it. In my prayers incourage. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little Enniskillen Co.Fermanagh. N.Ireland xx
Donna says
Thank you for sharing your experiences and feelings. It’s amazing that I am 76 and still deal with hurtful things of the past. I love the Lord and know that He is with me and will never leave me nor forsake me, but sometimes I get so very lonely. I have no children of my own, but helped take care of my husband’s children for 20 years. They don’t seem to care very much for me, only their Dad, so I guess I failed them. I pray they will forgive me as I forgive them. God bless you all with the Lord’s healing virtue!
Janet W says
Thank you \0/
fannetta h gore says
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Knowing that the Father sees and hears us at all times and in all situations, in whatever we’re going through and however we are feeling. That He is our Hope and our Help. Even when we seek and may not receive comfort and support from others- His love and grace is beyond compare. We are to trust Him and know that He comforts and keeps us, even when others don’t see and understand how and what we are experiencing. When I have felt or is feeling lonely and insignificant; because of others actions- I look to my Creator as my source of strength, joy, and comfort. And, I truly thank Him for His faithfulness to me- HIs child.
Beth Williams says
Lucretia,
I could have written this myself. Lately I’ve been feeling that way at work. Dec. 2021 my company offered a full-time clerical position, was part-time. I was elated & praised God for answered prayers. Then last fall the other clerical suddenly quit without notice. My job changed drastically along with management. Managers changed positions & most RNs knew about it. No one bothered to tell me a thing. It was as if I didn’t matter. The feelings of insignificance came over me. “You don’t matter, no one cares about you” were rolling in my head constantly. Over time I prayed diligently & reminded myself that God loves me so much e sent His son to die for me. That & listening to Christian music has helped calm my anxious soul.
Blessings 🙂
karyn j says
i wasn’t able to read this yesterday and that was probably for the best because i needed it today! i literally just texted a friend and shared that i was feeling vulnerable and doubting myself. the truth popped into my and i had to fight. i read john 8:44 to remind myself that the devil is a liar, the father of lies, and there is no truth in him. so per your advice lucretia, i am turning the volume up on the truth and not believing everything i think. thank you for sharing!