It’s OK. It’s not that bad.
It is so much worse for other people.
Everyone has bad stuff happen.
Everyone is counting on me. Suck it up and push through.
These are the phrases I’ve told myself over and over for the past eighteen months.
I won’t bore you with a long list of the big and small things that have happened to us over the past year and a half, but let me just say that being woken up by a tree falling on the roof smack dab in between where my husband and I were sleeping rates about a 4 on the 1 to 10 “Are you kidding?” scale.
I kept working, kept plugging along. I was behind on everything because I would sit down to work or look at my long list of things that needed to be checked off and freeze.
I’d tell myself:
“Just do the next thing!”
“Stop being so lazy.”
“You have a deadline. Just do something.”
And when I would try, in my own careful way, to explain to a group of people I was working with that life has been especially hard over the past year and a half, the response I got was, “Life has been hard for everyone.”
Yep. I agree.
But the not-so-thinly-veiled message was, “Stop complaining and suck it up.”
I finally began seeing a therapist because I had such a hard time functioning. I couldn’t be creative or concentrate, and I didn’t want to hang out with anyone else besides my husband and my dog.
My therapist asked some initial questions, and I responded with “Yeah, this thing happened, but it’s not a big deal.” Or, “Yeah, it was hard for me, but other people have had it so much worse—”
She finally stopped me and asked, “Have you heard of compound trauma?”
I hadn’t. She went on to explain. “Yes, any one of those things on their own may not have sunk you. And you could have recovered. But what it sounds like is that life has been unrelenting, and each of these traumas — and that’s what they are, traumas — has left you without the ability to recover.”
And as soon as I heard this, I, a dedicated non-crier, broke down in a flood of tears.
Yes, other people have had horrible things that have happened to them. And I will mourn with them.
But the magnitude of someone else’s suffering does not lessen my suffering. And until I allow myself to grieve, I cannot recover.
So many of us, especially over the past three years, have been through surprisingly hard things. It doesn’t matter if other people are tougher than you. It doesn’t matter if your friend or your neighbor could handle circumstances better than you could.
We must stop trying to tough it out.
God has made it clear that in order to be there for others, we must allow God to comfort us.
2 Corinthians 1:3–4 (ESV) says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
God’s comfort comes in some surprising, and unexpected ways.
Pay attention to the words from your most tender-hearted friends. My friend Grace, when knowing I was struggling with my young dog’s terminal illness, passed on some wisdom. “My vet told me to tell myself, ‘Yes, they are going to pass. But not today. Today is a good day and we are going to be thankful for the good day today.’”
God comforts us through others who are going through similar circumstances. Thank God for Facebook support groups that have helped me with everything from dealing with my dog’s illness to reassuring me that I can have a safe place to ask questions after a car accident.
God comforts us through other people’s creative acts of kindness. Last week a group of friends sent some snacks (for us and our dog Moose), cards and letters, and a few toys for our animals to play with. A talented friend mailed me a card with a painting of our chicken, Bullwinkle, who had passed away. Recently, an old friend of my mother-in-law posted a picture of Roger’s mom on Facebook. We’d lost Betty last year and the picture was a comfort to Roger as his long grief continues.
Through the Word, prayers, and the love of the people God has surrounded us with, we feel His comfort.
While I and others cannot always be trusted to handle my hurt, God does not judge me for not being tough enough to go it alone. He calls Himself the God of all comfort and He proves that over and over again.
I have noticed that so many times when I am feeling burdened or just sad that through (in)courage devotionals there is just the words of comfort I need. It sounds like you need to give yourself some grace too. Praying things turn around for you soon.
Sharon – thanks so much. Things are better, but I know hard things will come up again. And I know what to look for (and who to look to!)
From your wise words I am challenged to run to The God of ALL Comfort rather than play the comparison game of who has more stress. Allow myself to grieve & be vulnerable while I roll up my sleeves for those God has placed in my path that are “worse off” than me. In a hard season of 1 mountain after another I was reminded of Psalm 121 “…my strength comes from The Lord, the maker of …the mountains…”. He is not surprised by any of the pebbles, hills, mountains we encounter & He is our comfort & strength no matter the magnitude of our suffering! Blessings! (((0)))
This was so helpful. I especially was drawn to the statement that the magnitude of someone else’s suffering doesn’t lessen mine. I had gone and still am going through a series of harsh realities and I also spoke to a therapist. But the most helpful thing I can do is take comfort in God, rest and pray, even if it is just saying “help me, please, Jesus”.
Agreed!
I have also been struggling to move forward and had not considered the effects of compound trauma. Thank you. This was helpful to me.
Hugs and Prayers. Hugs and Prayers. Hugs and Prayers \0/
My heart aches for you, Kathi. I’m so sorry some people did not have the right words to comfort you. We can be pretty idiotic about our words. And sometimes our words are too few. Thank the Lord, some people got it right! And God always gets it right for us. May you truly be blessed in the coming days!
I needed this prayer today. I have gone thru 4 major surgeries in 1 year. My husband has been great. But people saying you are strong it will be fine. Plus I had 2 heart attacks and other surgeries. In the past 5 years. No I do not feel strong I feel defeated. I pray every day for strength.
Praying that God will give you strength for today Mary.
Mary,
Father God You alone know what Mary has been through these past five years. Please send your healing touch to her body. Give her the strength she needs to carry on through each trial. Send you loving peace & comfort to her defeated soul. Give her husband the strength to continue to care for her. Bless them with better health. In Jesus Name. AMEN
Mary, I have been blessed to not have only “minor” health problems at 66 years of age so I cannot know exactly what you are going through but am praying for God to provide His supernatural strength through you seeking Him whenever you are feeling especially defeated. May the Holy Spirit fill you with what you need to continue on in belief and with hope. I do battle depression/anxiety and know that when I turn to God in my struggle He DOES answer – maybe not how I want (to eliminate this pain completely) but probably in a way that He knows I need. Hang in there sister. We have an eternity of health to look forward to!!
What a wonderful, inspirational post, helped me greatly, thank you xx
Thank you so much for writing this Kathi! Hard things happen and they cause us to grieve, but we don’t want to grieve, we want to be joyful! But trauma, and especially compound trauma takes time to heal and its ok. God’s got this! I am so glad you found a good therapist. Hugs and prayers ❤
Are you sure I didn’t write this? The last 18 months have been the hardest of my life. After over a year of not crying and sucking it up, I suddenly started sobbing and could not stop. After not being able to function, I started thereapy this week. I shared with friends I knew would be prayer parners, and a sister. One of my friends sent me a link to this blog post. It is exactly what I need. Thank you.
Kathi,
These past four years I have gone through quite a few changes. First in December 2019 my unit (hospital) was shut down. Fortunately they kept me (I was only part-time) & put me in different units. My unit finally reopens & Covid hits. Mid November 2021 my unit shuts down again. They send me to an ICU Covid unit. I was nervous, to say the least. Learned new things & assisted as much as possible. Then they wrote a job description just for me. I thought it was an answer to prayer. Covid left & I was moved to an ICU unit. Our unit was being remodeled so we were housed on 1st floor. I enjoyed working with them & the job was good. Finally had benefits. Then we moved back into our unit. Suddenly last fall the other clerical just quit. I found myself not doing clerical work at all but stocking 28 ICU rooms. Add to that the manger that hired me moved up ladder & so did the ICU manager. The new assistant manager was now our manager. I found all this out by happenstance. That was to many changes for me. My emotional state was low & I was upset 90% of the time. Finally gave myself permission to grieve the past & saw PCP for meds. Now I am alright.
Blessings 🙂
“But the magnitude of someone else’s suffering does not lessen my suffering. And until I allow myself to grieve, I cannot recover.” So much truth here. As the “compound traumas” continue to roll on I’ve really struggled with being honest about how hard it is right now for me. Thanks for being vulnerable in what I know has been a painful stretch for you and Roger.