I’m sitting in my counselor’s office. We’re talking about the pressure I feel to be “good,” my fear of disappointing people, the cloud of guilt that often hovers over my heart.
She asks me, “When is the first time you ever felt that way?” A scene from my childhood comes back to me. I’m a little girl of six or so, standing in my backyard by the swing set. The sky is blue above, the grass green beneath my bare feet. I have a sudden thought that I’m bad and God wants to punish me. (The grown-up version of this thought sounds more like, “Something is wrong with me” or “God must be mad at me.” (Sound familiar?)
I have no idea what provoked this thought. Perhaps I smacked my little brother or pulled the dog’s tail. Maybe I snuck the last cookie or didn’t eat my broccoli. Most likely, knowing now how I’m wired, I did nothing wrong at all.
When I think of this moment, it makes me ache. I was so small to believe such a big lie. Now I am so big to still sometimes believe it. My counselor asked me to see this scene from a different perspective, to invite Jesus into it. When I do so, everything changes. My heart hears Him say that I am loved, covered in grace, that He wants me to be free.
When the session was almost done, my counselor and I looked for new words to replace the old lie I’d believed. My thinking sounded like, “I’m bad and I have to force myself to be good.” The new sentence that comes to mind is, “I’m already loved, and I am a force for good.”
It’s a subtle shift but a powerful one. So many of us have been taught to be “good girls” who try hard to meet expectations, but I believe God wants so much more for us.
Queen Esther was raised to be a “good girl.” She has no voice or choice when she’s taken from her family to join the royal harem. Her role is to please a narcissistic king who cares only for himself. Yet when her people are in danger, God empowers her to act with great courage. She finds her voice. She makes her own choice.
When Jesus visits the home of Martha, she’s busy trying to make sure she does everything right and meets the cultural expectations for women. But, as Jesus gently points out, she’s missing what matters most. Yet later when her brother Lazarus dies, “When Martha got word that Jesus was coming, she went to meet him. But Mary stayed in the house” (John 11:20 NLT). The former “good girl” feels free to be in or out of the kitchen and she’s pursuing her good God.
The Proverbs 31 woman is also often talked about as the ultimate “good girl” but when you look closer at her life, she’s really a powerful woman. She has strengths like being creative, resourceful, and business-savvy. She is respected, wise, proactive, and independent. “She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future” (Prov. 31:25 NLT).
We try to be “good girls” because we’re afraid. We fear being bad. We fear being rejected. We fear making someone (including God) upset. What helps? “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18 NIV).
We think we need to be perfect to stop being afraid; what we really need is God’s perfect, healing love.
When I got home from my counseling appointment, I wrote this…
Then one day she decided
to stop being a “good girl,”
and became an unstoppable
woman who’s a force for good.
I posted those words on Instagram and so many of you responded. That’s when I knew I wasn’t alone in my struggle. Maybe you’ve tried to be a good girl like me, and you’re ready for something new. If so, Jesus wants to set your heart free from every lie that has held you back too.
Let’s believe we’re already loved.
Let’s stop trying to be “good girls.”
Let’s be unstoppable forces for good.
Are you with me?
If you want more truth and encouragement to set your heart free from fear and lies, then Holley’s new devotional book, What Your Mind Needs for Anxious Moments will help! Get a free excerpt on Holley’s site.
Yes! I love this, Holly. Thank you
Thanks for reading, Madeline!
Thank you, Holley! I’m sure I have my own mental version of “not good enough”. But your story helps me see that mine can be changed, too.
So glad we can change all of our stories, that Jesus changes all of our stories.
We all are not perfect we never will be. No matter how hard we try to be. We can have that chip on our shoulder that no one loves us. Especially if feel that by a Family member where they meant to be there for us and to feel they love us then they are not. They seem to have favourites in other members of the Family than us. We then can begin to wonder what we did that we are not love the same by them as the other Family members. They don’t give us the same attention as they give other Family members. That can hurt alot. Then we feel if we be might have to be a good person to make them love us the same way they love them and treat us the same. We could be trying hard to be extra good to get them to notice us. Then we can get into our head was is it because we where bad or we done something wrong that they don’t like or Love us the way they like or Love the other Family members. We can take that to heart and believe it is because of that and that is the reason. Who is putting those thoughts in our heads only Satan the Old Devil. We have to know we are just as good we are just as Loved we are just as good as the Family that the other Family is spending more time with than us. We are just as special as them. We don’t have to feel we have to be good all to get there attention the Family member that we thought that was kind and caring that Love ud as much as the other Family members. We are Love all the time by the creater of the world our Lord Jesus Christ who Loved us so much he went to Calvary for us. To show us how much he loved us. So as if we ask him to be our Lord and Saviour would live in our hearts. Show us how to live and Love people of all walks of life and be good all the time. Take away our sin. Yes we will still sin. But we don’t have to feel bad if we do something wrong we can repent of it. Know we are forgiven and still loved try not do it again. Know we are loved all the time. Know to pray for people that we see that should give us the same love as they give others. Especially if Family. They might not realize they are doing it not giving us the same attention and Love as them. We not to take to heart that it hurt us that they do. We can learn to forgive them. Especially if not saved as they will see no wrong in what they are doing. Love today’s reading Holly. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little xx
I’m glad this was encouraging to you, Dawn!
Thank you.
You’re welcome, Sandra!
Love this. Thank you, Holley. Reminds me of one of my favorite verses about not being given a spirit of fear but of POWER, love, and sound mind.
That is one of my favorite verses too!