One of the first fights my boyfriend (eventually my husband) and I had was in a mall parking lot.
We had been dating for a few months and were enjoying a low-key afternoon of shopping when out of nowhere he wanted to “talk.” I knew it wasn’t a break-up talk because things had been going so well. We were in love and slightly obsessed with each other. It turned out that the “talk” wasn’t to slow down our relationship but to speed things up. He casually broached the subject of our future and I backed away. I was bothered.
Of course I wanted to marry him . . . but not now, not when things were so good. We exited the mall and moved into the parking lot where I proceeded to shut down and weirdly navigate a conversation I didn’t want to be in.
If things are good, inevitably I believe bad things are coming. Call it self-sabotage or pessimism, but I have always had a hard time believing that anything could possibly be better than right now. If something is going well, why mess with it?
Maybe it’s better to say it this way — I am not good at change.
I desperately cling to the moment I am in and live in fear of what tomorrow holds. I didn’t want to move out of dating and into engagement. I didn’t want to move into the season of motherhood because I was afraid everything would only get worse. I resisted having baby number 2 (and 3, 4, and 5, for that matter) because I was convinced nothing could ever be better than the current life I had created.
Months before my son took his driver’s license test, I couldn’t sleep. My fear was less about him getting in an accident and more about how this would change our family. I was convinced that this would change everything. I can’t control what happens next which makes me want to try and control everything even more.
Time has a tight grip on me. The tick and turn of time feels like a death sentence rather than the click and twist of a beautiful kaleidoscope. Time scares me and I can’t slow it down. I can’t make it stop.
When I look back on my life, I see all the times I’ve tried to cling to life for control. But I think God is inviting me to cling to Him instead. I cling to time for security, but I think God is inviting me to cling to the hope of heaven instead. When I pay attention to all the seasons I have been through, I realize that I believed a lie.
The lie was, “This is as good as it gets.” I believed that right now was the best my life would ever be.
But the truth is right now is good, but something better is coming. After every change, good came. Grief and hardship were present, but so was new joy and new freedom. Right now is good, but God promises more goodness is still to come.
“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.”
1 Corinthians 13:12
My life, my kids, my family, my world is good, but everything I have is just a sliver of what is to come. I want to hold time down because I am afraid that the future will only bring heartache.
There will certainly be pain in the future, but there will also be heaven.
The future isn’t something I have to resist or push off, it is something God is giving me. Life right now is just an appetizer. It is a foretaste of what is to come.
I refuse to believe the lie anymore that right now is as good as it gets. Right now I am going to savor and give thanks for all I have been given, but I won’t grab onto these gifts with a death grip. That path of trying to cling to my life only leads to more fear. It’s true that I will encounter challenges ahead. But it is also true that behind every corner, love awaits me.
For those of you letting go of one season and heading into something unknown and new, lean into truth. Lean onto Jesus. Open your hands. Goodness awaits you. It really does.
Anjuli I can relate when you where going with your Husband you didn’t want to spoil things by getting engaged to quickly. Moving to next steps in the relationship. You want to keep it good at where it was not spoil it. Husband who is saved was the sort of same. He didn’t want to push things put me of by me seeing him as too pushy. Wanting things to quickly. So he didn’t ever ask me. I knew he never would have. So I had to push him into getting Married and he is glad. As he thought this is good as it get I don’t want to loose her. By being to pushy by asking her to marry me and she not ready. She thinks I know money to keep her. I lived in tent with him. I had to push him. Today we don’t have rishes but God supplies all our needs we are very happy. We got the Lord and either. He glad I pushed him into marrying him. We have no other way. God help us through it every thing. We put God first in our Marriage we are 30 years together. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little xx love today’s reading xc
“I refuse to believe the lie anymore that right now is as good as it gets. Right now I am going to savor and give thanks for all I have been given, but I won’t grab onto these gifts with a death grip. That path of trying to cling to my life only leads to more fear. It’s true that I will encounter challenges ahead. But it is also true that behind every corner, love awaits me.” – AMEN!
Thank you.
I’m so glad my experience resonated with you!
I appreciate this so much as I am also one who is uncomfortable with change but heading into a new season of change. It’s funny because it seems like most people are always chasing the greener grass hoping any change will be better. I think it depends on what we’re chasing. Our goals for making a cross country seasonal move are for health reasons, but mostly for the opportunity to grow our family relationships. We’re trusting the Lord that this will be good. Thanks for the encouragement.
I can totally relate. Change is so tricky for me as well.
Thank you for this reminder today. My life has changed in ways I never wanted it to with the unexpected deaths of 3 very important people in my life over the past 12 months (the most recent was 2 weeks ago). It is tempting to feel like the best is already behind me in moments like these. But the truth, as you said, is that something better is coming. Your post also reminded me of part of Martha Snell Nicholson’s poem, “Treasures”:
And I walked earth’s highways, grieving.
In my rags and poverty.
Till I heard His voice inviting,
“Lift your empty hands to Me!”
So I held my hands toward heaven,
And He filled them with a store
Of His own transcendent riches,
Till they could contain no more.
Rachel, my heart hurts for you as you endure loss. Deaths of loved ones seem to rip our heart wide open and the rawness is almost unbearable. The poem you quoted is absolutely beautiful. May our Heavenly Father pour balm into your heart and great stores of comfort as you journey through the grief. May the end result be a heart filled with even more love than when you started as He stitches you back together. Hugs!
Rachel,
Sweet sister I’m praying for peace & comfort in your soul. May you feel God’s loving arms hugging you tightly. Losing loved ones is never easy & hurts. Loved the poem you shared. I have a poem also & I pray it blesses you.
Safely Home
I am home in heaven, dear ones;
All’s so happy, all so bright!
There’s perfect joy and beauty
In this everlasting light.
All the pain and grief are over,
Every restless tossing passed;
I am now at peace forever,
Safely home in heaven at last.
Did you wonder I so calmly
Trod the Valley of the Shade?
Oh! but Jesus’ love illumined
Every dark and fearful glade.
And He came Himself to meet me
On that way so hard to tread;
And with Jesus’ arm to lean on,
Could I have one doubt or dread?
Then you must not grieve so sorely,
For I love you dearly still;
Try to look beyond earth’s shadows,
Pray to trust our Father’s will.
There is work still waiting for you,
So you must not idle stand;
Do your work while life remaineth —
You shall rest in Jesus’ land.
When that work is all completed,
He will gently call you home;
Oh, the rapture of the meeting!
Oh, the joy to see you come!
(Hugs)
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Blessings 🙂
Rachel,
I can’t believe you have endured so much in such a short amount of time. I am so sorry. May the Lord continues to meet you in your grief. The words you shared are so beautiful. Thank you.
Anjuli, your words reasonated & rejuvenated my heart. We are fully known already…I can’t wait to hug Jesus!
“There will certainly be pain in the future, but there will also be heaven.
The future isn’t something I have to resist or push off, it is something God is giving me. Life right now is just an appetizer. It is a foretaste of what is to come.”
I praise Adonai for you & your ministry. Thank you for being so vulnerable & authentic. You point others away from you & toward embracing the fullness of God.
Thank you, Tanya. May the Lord greet you with His love today.
I am a controller or try to be but do not want to be. I realize I am not in control but I’m a work in progress in this area. I can resonate well with your words – thank you for sharing.
I can relate to this writing so much. Thank you for sharing and the encouragement.
You are welcome, haley!
“It’s true that I will encounter challenges ahead. But it is also true that behind every corner, love awaits me.”
Anjuli,
We must trust that God has more blessings to shower us with. Oh I’ve had some good times & then bad ones. Seasons came & went. Change is inevitable. This is NOT as good as life can get. There are better days ahead for all. One day we will be in Heaven with Jesus. Then life will be perfect. We will see our loved ones & be worshipping Jesus all the time!
Blessings 🙂
Beth! Yes and amen!