The pen falls from my fingers and skitters across the floor as I jerk awake. I sigh — I’ve fallen asleep during my Bible study time. Again. Frustrated, I snatch up a new pen and struggle to find my place in the passage, only to drift away once more. After a few more moments of effort, I give up and grab my phone. I’m getting nowhere with Bible study . . . but if I send these text messages, at least that will be off my mind.
Days pass, the pattern continues. I drag myself to the chair and open my Bible and my prayer journal, hoping that today will be the day I hear from Him. I wonder, What is wrong with me? Why is this once-sweet time now dry and stale?
I used to envision myself sitting with God, sharing with Him everything on my heart. Now, my mental picture has morphed, and God sits on a huge throne far away — unattainable, unreachable.
It seems that no matter how hard I try, I can’t find my way to a place where I feel connected to God. Everything is dry, desolate, barren. Desert-like.
I remember a sermon series on Exodus and the pastor’s explanation that God often uses our time in the desert as a period of preparation for the next thing to come. So I pour myself into study, searching for some oasis to offer a gentle reprieve.
But nothing changes . . .
I call my friend, Jodi, remembering that she experienced something similar a few years back. Together, we recall her tearful phone call, her fears that she might never again feel the connection with God that she so desired. I ask what she did to find her way out of the desert.
Her response is both discouraging and encouraging. “Nothing changed,” she says, “but then everything did.” She tells me to keep going through the motions. Heart will follow mind, and the pursuit of relationship with the Father is a discipline.
The truth is, each time I pick up my phone instead of my Bible, I’ve already made the decision that I won’t find communion in the pages of His word. Jodi lets me know that she will be praying with and for me. She reads a short passage of Scripture over the phone and then prays those words back to God.
And so I continue on . . .
Some days, it feels like slogging through mud, and I finish my study weary and discouraged. Other days, the reading goes quickly, and it feels as if the Scripture verses flit across the surface of my mind, only to disappear before really grasping them.
As I wash the dishes, I listen to a playlist of songs centered on the faithfulness of God. Sometimes I sing along to “I Will Trust in You” by Lauren Daigle. On other days, my voice can’t fight past tears and I can only listen as “He Will Hold Me Fast” relates truths that don’t quite feel real. Sometimes I memorize verses about the goodness of God and repeat them to myself:
“Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.”
Psalm 27:13-14 (NLT)
When something resonates — a song that makes me feel a little closer to Him, or a moment where I feel communion with Him — I take note and write it in my prayer journal. Keeping a record of God’s faithfulness helps me realize that there are small drops of rain here, that this spiritual desert is not as dry as it seems.
Weeks and months pass until, one day, I realize that my pen almost can’t keep up with the prayers I am writing. I have more to say to God than I have in so long. And when the words trickle to a stop, it occurs to me: There’s a quiet peace running under the desolation I so often feel.
That same week, during worship that Sunday, one of the songs connects with my heart in a new way, and I find myself singing it back to God throughout the week. I follow a breadcrumb trail of cross references and discover an old truth in a new way. Rather than forcing myself to spend a minimum of time seeking God, I anticipate the time I will spend with Him each morning, and I engage in a continuing conversation with Him that ebbs and flows throughout the remainder of the day.
My Father’s faithfulness washes over me, refreshing my heart and bringing new life and new growth. As I pray, I imagine myself sitting beside Him in a meadow, a stream flowing nearby.
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I can identify those struggle you share. I like the idea of writing prayers and such down as they happen rather than sitting and trying to force myself to make some kind of connection. I get so easily distracted especially when I do not understand what I am reading and that happens more times than I care to admit. Lauren Daigle’s song is so powerful. I find listening to praise music in the car is a very special time in my day. I guess it is time to finally put something down in my new blank journal.
It’s amazing how music can speak to the soul, isn’t it? I have a playlist for when I am feeling discouraged or challenged in life–songs that speak truth into my heart.
Reminders of God’s faithfulness are the paving stones of confidence in Him. I’ve never been a journaler but the fright of dementia & not remembering well is starting to motivate me to begin writing it down so I can rehearse it even if I can’t recall it on my own.
I love that first sentence! I have this picture in my head where God has taken hurts I have experienced–things that I once used to build a wall around my heart–and used them to create a path in a beautiful garden where I can walk with Him.
And as my dad enters the first stages of Alzhiemers, I value written concepts and rehearsal even more. I have asked for his Bible when he is no longer using it (he gets a new one every few years) so that I can have that record of his faith.
Almost speechless here. I have never left a comment on any platform like this. You are speaking exactly what I experience. The ebb and flow how it feels to spend time in scripture and worship .. and to ‘feel’ it .. and to feel nothing. Yes it’s absolutely a discipline. Whether we feel anything, or whether we ‘get’ anything, He is worthy and He is faithful, and we must trust that His word and His presence are working in us whether we feel anything or not. It’s the peace that passes understanding. I know your honesty and your own experience expressed in this devotion will make life changing differences in many hearts and minds! This is a real keeper. I’m fixing to share it w my best friend! It will go on and on! Hallelujah! Now for today I can’t wait to open my notebook! I’m going to print out your words and add this devotion to my pages. Blessings to you! Keep sharing w your honest heart and soul.
Thank you for your kind words! If anything, writing this cemented the need to continue to practice the discipline of faith for me, and I hope it encourages others in their walks with Christ.
Love your openness! The Lord is so faithful to guide us along! I’ve been in that same spot many times and to continue coming to His feet when my mind doesn’t understand.
It’s all because of His faithfulness, isn’t it? I’m learning more and more that He has a purpose and a plan for everything, even when it is hard for me to see.
Gwen, this piece ebbed and flowed with all the tension and truth of desert seasons — absolutely loved how you shared your story . . . and hope that helps. So glad to share your words at (in)courage, today!
Thank you for your kind words. I often feel like God speaks to me in pictures, and it was a pleasure to share this particular heart-image with the readers of (in)courage.
Oh wow this describes what I’m going through or should I say still going through! Thank you, for the reminder keep going through, I also, like that you journal each time you get a connection with God whether it be a song, scripture… thank you something I need to try as well
I feel like our journal can become like the pile of rocks God had the Israelites build after they crossed the Jordan—something concrete to remind us of what God has done.
“ There’s a quiet peace running under the desolation I so often feel.” these are such great words. One of my familiar and favorite parts of this faith walk. This is always true and such a rock bed comfort. Those journals are such a testimony of the Holy Spirit still meeting us in the empty places. Many a time i have looked back to see that some of those worlds were not mine alone. Your visual picture and honesty are so refreshing. What a beautiful hope.
Yes, and we have to keep coming back to those rock-solid truths. Our emotions are part of our make-up, but they can easily lead us astray. Keep record (journaling) helps to remind me of the truths, regardless of how I feel.
This is so relatable and encouraging! I resonate with the part where you say the scripture flits across the surface of your mind without really sinking in. I have had that experience so often. I really love how you incorporate the raw and deep struggles of your heart, scriptural promises and anchor points, as well as practical, boots-on-the-ground advice. May the Lord use your honesty and experiences to encourage many.
Thank you for your kind words! I love when God takes a struggle and makes something worthy out of it.
Gwen,
Life gets so busy that days can go by before I even have time for Bible study or quiet time. Music is my solace. Chris Tomlin’s new song “Thank you Lord” has become a prayer for me back to God. I sing it most days on way to work, church, etc. Love thanking God for ALL He’s given me. Often times I listen to Christian music as I cook, exercise, etc. I use that as time of worship to God. Trying to sing the words back to Him. God is always waiting to hear from His children. So I do my best to pray on way to work, in shower, whenever someone comes to mind. We need to remind ourselves of God’s faithfulness in the past.
Blessings 🙂
Oh man, I have had seasons where it seemed like I just couldn’t not find time for daily time with God. I am so glad you have been able to find those times of communion with Him. Keep searching for small spots of time with which to meet Christ. I love podcasts or listening listening to uplifting books in the car, and I have a friend who listens to the Bible while she is in the shower. So many ways to connect and learn about Christ!