While doing the pivotal work of figuring out which spaghetti sauce to buy in aisle 8 at the grocery, I turn when a voice to my right says, “Well, hello, Kristen!”
I smile when I discover it’s a good friend I haven’t seen in a while. After hugging her and exchanging pleasantries, I ask, “Hey, isn’t your Bella starting kindergarten soon?”
Her face falls ever-so-slightly. “Yes, and Kristen? I am not okay that my youngest — our baby girl — is starting kindergarten!”
I smile sympathetically, knowing full well the bittersweet stage this is. I smile because I know that fifteen years ago, I said the same thing when my own daughter, the youngest in our family, headed to kindergarten. It felt like a definitive end of a season for our family and the turning of a page towards a new chapter — one I wasn’t ready to embrace.
It felt like parenting’s first leap of letting go.
Last August, I experienced another, bigger leap of letting go when we dropped that same baby girl, our Faith, off at college. That wasn’t our first rodeo at sending a kid to college. However, it was our first rodeo doing it with the baby of the family. And, unlike her older brothers, she chose to go to school out-of-state in Texas, and that fact brings another new-to-us layer to this transition.
When I returned home to Colorado after taking our daughter to college for the first time, I timidly walked into our entryway. Because it felt right as rain to do so, if not a little nonsensical, I called out “Hi, Faaaaaith! I’m home!” as I’d done many times before. Naturally, silence from the empty house answered me. And naturally, I dropped my bags, hung my head, and cried my eyes out.
And I secretly wondered if my best years were in my rearview mirror.
Today, exactly one year later, I find my emotions have simmered down a good deal, and I don’t get nearly so teary over our baby bird flitting from the nest. Oh, it still happens from time to time because I do miss my kids’ daily presence. But the last year has shown me several encouraging truths that have helped me through this transition.
So, if you find yourself about to open the door to an empty (or emptier) nest or it breaks your heart just a bit to think about this impending season, I share the following to comfort and reassure you too:
1. The way you feel right now won’t be the way you feel forever. Your kiddo launched — it’s okay to have some sadness mixed into your emotions. Go ahead and feel the loss. One day, though, you will walk by your kid’s bedroom and not burst into tears. A new normal will set in and feel like home to your heart too.
2. You’ve probably missed teaching your kids stuff, and that’s okay. Listen, we all have! While teaching and mentoring opportunities will continue to arise, it’s also true that if a lesson is important enough for these kids to learn, they’ll learn about it in the school of life. Whether we’re the parents of 2-year-olds or 22-year-olds (or older kids still), God fills the gaps and gets our children where they’re supposed to be.
3. Your way of communicating with them will be different but good. I’ve read that “doing life” with adult kids is like learning a new dance. You and I are likely to step on our kids’ toes (and vice versa!) as we learn the new steps. Yet, with open communication and an ever-ready willingness to apologize, you will get the steps down while enjoying their company.
4. Find your friends. Moms with grown kids need mom friends with grown kids — or friends who are sympathetic and understanding to this life stage. Period. Find them, make time for them, and feel like your pants fit better after talking with them.
5. Your kids will always need you. No, they won’t need you exactly as they have before, but you can bet your kid’s tuition payment that they’ll still need you (and not just for money). Their needs will just look different in this new season.
While it’s possible for a sentimental gal like me to romanticize the past, this last year has shown me how it’s possible to experience the future more fondly than I anticipate. And it’s no wonder, really, when we consider Ephesians 1:18:
“I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.”
If you’re in the same life stage as me or within spitting distance of it, take heart: God promises us a wonderful future. Eventually, the changing nest will feel less new and more familiar. There is much good to look forward to in the years to come.
In the meantime, it’s my prayer that the Lord shows you tailor-made signs of His goodness here today. And tomorrow, may He show you that sure as the kids will bring their laundry home, good things exist beyond goodbyes.
If you’re the mama of a recent graduate who’s flitting from the nest, Kristen has written The Changing Nest: A Devotional for the Mom of the Graduate just for you.
This spoke to my heart. It’s been 1 week since I left my college freshman in New Orleans I miss him so much. Nobody tells you about childbirth and nobody tells you about this empty nest thing. Luckily I do have a lot of friends who have gone through it and told me it could take a while before I figure out my new normal. The one thing I have tried to do is look at it timewise that it’s just like he’s going to summer camp and I will see him in a couple of weeks.
I’m not alone as I’m surrounded by many moms who are going through this. It’s hard because it has been my job for the past 18 years. While it is still my job, my duties have decreased immensely. So thank you for your article I will keep it and re-read it.
I’ve told myself something very similar by saying, “Oh…she’s just in her room studying!” Heh. Denial can be helpful for a little while, can’t it? 🙂
I’m so thankful you have friends with whom to lean on during this big transition. And I love the way you describe the decrease in job duties. That is quite accurate.
Sending you and yours much love, Deborah!
Kirsten I not a Mum and never will be never was brave enough to give birth. But I your incourage today reading that you have wrote. I pray for Nieces and Nephews none of them saved nor their Parents. You said a lot of good points. To with them going to College. Well I say College or Uni. As I Pray for my Nieces and Nephews when they go to College or Uni leave home. I tell their Parents when they where babies back all those years ago enjoy them as they grow up far to fast. One day they are round your feet. The next they are not round your feet. You wish they where. You as Mum miss them even a Dad miss them. Yes there are times they annoy you and times you and they might not agree but you still love them and they still love you I told them. I have Sister who has 6 kids here home is getting very empty as her kids are getting they are all going to College and Uni most of them. 2 are away one going next year. One going this September to College. My Sister more so than her Husband their Dad. Beginning to miss them that are away all ready. She see’s the house getting quieter and quieter. No TV no row among Brother and Sisters at times no dirty dishes in the sink no music playing in the house. No bathroom being used for long periods of time. She misses it all. She said yes first few day nice to have no rows among Brother and Sisters. Telling them to stop fighting. Nice to have no dirty dishes in the sink. But then she said I miss all that I have it back again. But you have to let them grow up do their own things and go to College or Uni to get the degree they want to get the jobs they want. You look at how proud of them you are how blessed you are you brought them into the world watch them grow to get to ages they are to get to College or Uni. To do this to get the jobs they have. As Mum my Sister told your proud of them and proud to be their Mum and see them do this. I thought yes I proud to be their Aunt and be able to pray for them and their Parents to. Ask God to keep them safe a College or Uni. Where ever they go to study. They don’t know I pray for them. I pray for their salvation too. As they think I was being to push with my beliefs of I told them I was praying for them all. Especially my Niece’s and Nephews when away from Home at College or Uni. For God to keep them safe and that they would make friends that would be there for them and keep away from danger. Find God to be there Saviour. Love today’s reading. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little xx
One day, I bet your nieces and nephews will be so thankful for all the ways you prayed for them and invested in their lives. What a treasure you are, Dawn!
This hit home for me after a spring/summer of change. My only child just began middle school, which is bittersweet. I also had some change at work that hit me like a truck and it’s been quite an adjustment that I haven’t always handled well. We also lost my grandmother in the midst of all the other stressors, so I’ve found myself yearning for that sweet, good time in the past. Oh, how strong that yearning is! The reminder that this new normal will eventually not be “new” and uncomfortable touched my heart today. Thank you.
Oh, you have had quite the changes, my dear, and I’m so sorry for the hard ones. Yes, the new normal eventually becoming familiar is true for a lot of changes, isn’t it? Praying for your heart as you wait for this to happen. Much love!
The many seasons of life. I reflect backwards through time to the weekend 30 years ago that our three children (18, 20, and 22) all left on the same weekend for their first adventures away from home. Your words of wisdom are oh so true. Many years later they have transitioned into adulthood and provided us with wonderful grandchildren. We are experiencing the emotions all over again as we watch our grandchildren “leave the nest” to being their adventures into adulthood. We are so blessed to be able to experience this life journey with both generations!
You are blessed indeed, Christine! And thank you for your words here ~ they encourage me right back!
Soo good Kristen! Never having non-fur-baby kids of our own we’ve loved on our “nieces & nephews” & went thru the empty nest adjustment as they began to graduate college & move away for careers. In reading this this am I was also struck with how practical the touch points are as the roles reversed with our aging parents. Truth is truth no matter the stage we’re in! Blessings! (((0)))
“Truth is truth no matter the stage we’re in!” ~So well said, Ruth! Thank you for sharing here! xo
Such a great post!
Point #2 especially stuck out to me. Haha. As Abbie gets ready to start college, I’m realizing silly little things that I didn’t teach her earlier. Whoops!
And, YES, this parenting adults thing is weird. It’s especially confusing with a college student and a high schooler living at home. So many transitions, so much weirdness, just so much…lol.
Jamie! So good to see you here, dearheart!
And you’re exactly right…it’s a weird transition that takes time to feel less…weird. Ha. But I know you raised (and are raising) those babies well…they’ll do wonderfully and everyone will find their way! Love and miss you. xo
I’m getting teary just imagining that stage, and it’s still about four years away! But time blips by faster and faster it seems. Thank you for the assurance that the end of one season is the opening of another and each season contains good.
You’re welcome, Pearl! Here’s to the good contained in each new season. Sending love!
Oh friend, these are such good words. Three of my friends sent a daughter to college for the first time last week and with Annalyn being a sophomore, it’s just giving me all the feels! I’m grateful for your perspective and wisdom (as always). xoxo
Mary dearest! Thank you so much…your kind words always mean the world. Praying now for your precious Annalyn to have a great Sophomore year, and that each successive year is kind to her (and you!). Love you so much! xo
Yes Kristen I do believe that and I believe I will see my Niece’s and Nephews saved one day. In God’s perfect timing. Thank you for your lovely comment. I love it when you write in incourage reading. Along with all the other good people that write incourage too. But your inspire me. Get me thinking and always make me smile. Like all the other writers. Thank you for what you wrote on when kids leave home. I dread the day all my sister’s kids leave home. It just her and her Husband at home. As my sister has been so busy for year still is for the time being as has 3 still at home. 3 away from. She break her heart as she my sister has lived her lived for her Husband and her 6 kids. Does not like them leaving but has to let them go. I said to her one day they be back afte College or Uni to get Married if they do then they bring you the Grandkids if they have any for you to enjoy. My Sister said yes I look forward to that day. I keep praying for all their Salvations. Thank you again for you comment. Keeping you all incourage in prayer too. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little Enniskillen Co.Fermanagh N.Ireland xx
Kristen,
I’ve never had children per se. Did have aging parents & was mom to two iguanas. Since I was caregiver to my parents & iguanas,, there has been a void in my life since 2019-when my little iguana died. God has graciously helped me fill that void with fulltime work, homemaker & volunteer with Loaves & Fishes Food Bank. Add to that I attend church & look after my mother-in-law. Sometimes I get lonely & miss having someone to care for. It allows me time to rest & turn my attention to God & my husband.
Blessings 🙂