In high school, one of my favorite movies was “You’ve Got Mail.”
Call it the writer in me, I loved everything from the plot set in a bookstore to Frank’s obsession with typewriters and Kathleen Kelly’s (played by the spunky Meg Ryan) desire to send her online friend a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils on the first day of school.
There are also the quotable lines. Who can forget Joe’s (a la Tom Hank) impression of the Godfather? Or his bit about Starbucks’ orders? I practically have that movie memorized, but the line that has sunk deep in my soul is Joe’s warning to Kathleen about the power of words.
Throughout the movie, the two protagonists war over their respective bookstores, making snarky comments to each other in the process. But at one point, Joe tells Kathleen to watch what she says, because “When you finally have the pleasure of saying the things you mean to say, at the moment you mean to say it, remorse usually follows.”
Don’t you just love that line?
It’s so true!
There are so many moments in my life that I can recall just laying a zinger on someone. You know, those “trump cards” to win an argument or to shut the other person down. Though it might feel good in the moment to truly say everything that I’m feeling, I have always felt horrible afterward.
Sharp, unfiltered words cause people pain.
I don’t care how long I’ve been dreaming about just letting someone have it. I don’t care how many “shower talks” I’ve had where I’ve rehearsed my argument and nailed every word I wanted to say. When it comes to real life, disagreeing with someone in loud, harsh ways never leads to productive conversation.
Like Kathleen Kelly in “You’ve Got Mail,” I’ve learned the importance of graciously disagreeing with the people in my life.
Christians aren’t called to never disagree with people. But Scripture does call us to disagree in healthy, appropriate ways.
Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
I love how this verse puts gentleness and harshness on opposite sides of the spectrum. It’s not that we can’t be angry or frustrated when someone says something we disagree with. Sometimes people really do say upsetting things. But when someone really riles us up, when someone does or says something that just gets our blood boiling, the way of Christ is to respond with gentleness, not harshness.
To be harsh is to be cruel. It’s to position our words in such a way that we hurt the other person, perhaps in the same way that they’ve hurt us. To be gentle doesn’t mean we can’t speak the truth. But when we give someone “a gentle answer,” we do so without aggression or arrogance. We speak in such a way that we show our care for the other person as a human being made in the image of God. And we speak in soft, kind ways for the purpose of better understanding the other person, connecting with them, and developing mutual respect.
One of the ways I’ve learned to be gracious with people I disagree with is by choosing to ask open-ended questions.
For example, if I’m conversing with someone who holds an opposing position, I might ask:
- What got you interested in this topic?
- What do you feel is your biggest fear when it comes to this topic?
- What do you wish would happen regarding this topic?
- Has this topic impacted you personally? If so, would you be open to sharing about it?
- What does the future hold if nothing changes around this topic?
These types of questions help me attune my heart and mind to the other person.
Instead of just blurting out the first angry thought that comes into my mind, taking time to formulate a thoughtful question slows me down, helps me get my breathing and heart under control, and allows me to try to extend an olive branch to the other person.
In fact, the more I genuinely try to get to know the other person, the more my anger subsides. Because as our conversation persists, I learn more about their experiences (good and bad), their hopes, their frustrations, and their dreams for the future. The more I listen, the more I’m able to humanize the other person and see them for who they truly are: a child made in God’s image.
Listening to each other’s stories and needs fosters true understanding, which leads to deeper care and affection for one another. Even if two Christians still have to part ways at the end of a disagreement, they can do so knowing that they chose the path of gentleness, kindness, and respect.
The next time you find yourself disagreeing with someone, choose the path of gentleness and grace. Who knows what doors of connection and understanding God will open for you?!
Such wisdom, Michelle! Thank you! I’m praying that the Holy Spirit brings His Word and your words to mind the next time I am inclined to disagree.
Blessings to you today, sister,
Nikki
Love this, Nikki! Cheering you on! 🙂
Than you Michelle. May God continue to use you. I pray the Holy Spirit prompts me this way each time I disagree with someone.
Amen! Thanks, Catherine!
Thank you so much for this eloquently written post,Michelle. These are words the entire world needs to read. There is so much anger/decisiveness in public as well as within our own families. Sadly trying to understand the other person seems like a forgotten art. I have been guilty of this as well at times. Thank you for reminding us to take a breath, reach for the grace that the Lord has for us all,and open up the conversation instead of focusing on how to shut the other side down (whether it’s arguing that taco night is better than pizza night -yeah thats happened, pls dont judge) or about world political issues. God bless
This is so good, Kathleen. You’re so right. So many of our fights are petty and unnecessary. Sometimes, we don’t realize that until long afterward! May God give us the wisdom and discernment to be gracious, listen well, and speak slowly.
Yes, Amen ❤️
Loved your article — so wise! It reminds me of the note Mr. Rogers carried in his billfold:
“Frankly, there isn’t anyone you couldn’t learn to love once you’ve heard their story.”
Oh, what a great quote! I hadn’t heard that before. Thanks for sharing! (And I completely agree!)
So simple & yet we complicate it. My bff & I have learned to disagree in love. We have realized emotional maturity & mutual respect goes a long way. We didn’t speak to each other for 3 years over our 49 years of friendship. Grateful we both grew up enough to recognize we are both created in His image. Thank you for spurring us on. I praise Jesus for your testimony.
Hi, Tanya. Thanks for sharing some of your story and the wisdom you’ve learned over the years. You are so right — emotional maturity and mutual respect go a looooong way. And they have a much more gracious and positive impact than always trying to win the argument.
Wise words indeed!
Thank you!
Great article. I still love that movie. There is so much wisdom to be seen and gained from any where. God’s love is just every where you look…pun intended.
You’ve Got Mail will always be a classic for me 🙂 And yes, indeed — God’s love is everywhere. May we have the eyes to see it.
This week’s fundamental principle from my employer has been “Listening to understand” Today’s article was to listen with genuine curiosity. The wisdom of God isn’t just for religious pursuits but translate to good business principles! I need to memorize your questions Michelle! I need to be better at asking questions not just listening to what is offered by another. Your questions & the Holy Spirit will grow me in that area! Thank you! Blessings (((0)))
Oh, that’s good! Yes, we must listen to understand, not just wait for the pause while the other person talks only for us to dive back into whatever we want to say. Conversations should be a 2-way street. Love the way you put that!
Well done Michelle!
I love how your questions are right Jesus-like: often answering a question with a question.
Amen! Thanks so much. I’m learning and growing everyday too. I don’t always say what I should, but I try to learn from my mistakes, be gracious to myself, and keep going <3 It's the small steps that sometime make the biggest difference!
Michelle,
I totally agree with Kathleen that the world needs to hear these words. Trouble being there is so much divisiveness in our world today. People sit behind a computer screen & type stuff then hit send or post without thinking how it might affect someone else.
I’m reading a book “Say the Right Thing” by Carolyn Lacey. She uses verses from James about taming the tongue. How the tongue can cause fire if used incorrectly. Lately I’ve needed this reminder myself. It’s not that I disagree with others, but my attitude-mostly at work. I’ve thought & said things I’m not proud of. Trying to change my attitude & be more Christ like.
Blessings 🙂
Wow! That sounds like a great book. Thanks for the recommendation, Beth. I will check that out 🙂