One of the deepest forms of loneliness creeps in when you least expect it: when others surround you.
Have you ever experienced this ache in your spirit?
Maybe you’ve been at a party, swirls of laughter and conversation mingling around you, but you felt a bit outside the fray. Or perhaps you attended a reunion with friends or family, but left feeling like those closest to you didn’t understand you as much as you’d hoped.
Loneliness is an ache to be seen, understood, and loved.
And when loneliness wraps its tendrils around you, it’s suffocating.
Recent studies show that one in two Americans report struggling with loneliness, to the point that the U.S. Surgeon General called loneliness an “epidemic.”
I’m in a season of caring for young kids, and while I rarely have a moment alone, I’ve experienced deep loneliness. (I don’t recommend scrolling social media when you feel lonely – the false connections only exacerbate the lies. And oh, how loneliness lies to us.)
Maybe you’ve heard these lies, too:
- Nobody else feels this way.
- I’m worth ignoring.
- Nobody really cares or understands me.
- If I were more ____, I wouldn’t feel so lonely.
When I feel the weight of feeling forgotten, of wondering if my place in this world matters to others, it’s easy to experience a cascade of lies.
I begin to believe I’m the only one carrying the weight of loneliness. I’m the only one on the outside looking in. This snowballs into other struggles: inadequacy, insecurity, and insignificance.
The biggest lie loneliness tells is that you’re the only one. But everyone – and I mean everyone – has felt lonely: The sister with the picture-perfect Facebook is going through a divorce and feels like the only one with no one to come home to. The highly-successful coworker is drinking too much and wonders if she is the only one who feels so lonely. The pastor is holding deep doubts and feels like a fraud.
Loneliness is often unseen. And it festers in the darkness.
I’ll be honest: I’ve struggled to name my loneliness because it leaves me vulnerable.
What if I tell someone that at a place I was supposed to feel happy, I felt lonely instead? Will they judge me? Will they say it’s my fault for feeling lonely while surrounded by other people? Will they say other people have it worse? Or that maybe I feel lonely because deep down, something is wrong with me?
I wish I had an antidote to the loneliness epidemic. Unfortunately, I’m no spiritual pharmacist. I have no magic potions to fix our souls.
But I do know that I can quiet the lies that swarm my spirit with two things: honesty and hope.
First, I have to be honest. I have to be vulnerable with myself, God, and maybe another person. I have to name the loneliness: When I was at dinner with those friends, I felt lonely. I felt like I didn’t belong.
Loneliness does not last forever. When you name your loneliness, it begins to lose power. Does this mean your loneliness is instantly cured? No. But you can call it for what it is and move through it with hope.
We combat the lies of loneliness with hard-won honesty and stubborn hope.
So, name your loneliness. And then remind yourself that the lies of loneliness don’t get the final say:
“I’m lonely, but…”
- …this feeling won’t last forever.
- …everyone feels lonely sometimes.
- …even when I don’t feel like it, I matter.
- …my Father in Heaven isn’t ambivalent about my existence.
- …Jesus understands feeling misunderstood.
- …the Spirit of God is with me.
- …I’m surrounded by love, and I’m called beloved.
When we remember that feeling lonely is normal – but we don’t have to succumb to the lies of loneliness – we can begin to see through the fog.
Loneliness is linked to our sense of belonging. But the truth is that we belong to God. And despite all our messiness and imperfection, we find our belonging in each other, too.
When I’m lonely, I don’t always know what to pray. But I don’t have to have the words, nor do you. We can borrow this short prayer from Psalm 25:16:
“Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.”
When loneliness lies to you, remember that God is with you, that feeling lonely is normal, and that this season won’t last forever. May your experiences in loneliness grow empathy and compassion in you. And may we remember that even though life is infinitely complicated, we are better together.
(If you get the inkling that you’re feeling more than loneliness and experiencing deeper depression or feelings of worthlessness, talk to your doctor or a licensed counselor. You don’t have to power through this alone.)
So true! Countering lies with God’s truth is always an effective weapon no matter the issue. I can identify a pattern in my life that when I began feeling lonely or insignificant I’d plan a dinner party or bake a treat for someone else. Doing for others gets me out of the spiral of lies to loneliness. God has redeemed my loneliness motivated action by blessing others exactly when they needed the encouragement more often than not. Thanks for your list of truths to counteract the lies. I’ll be ticking those in my toolbox as well. Blessings!
Thank you so much for sharing here, Ruth.
I love what you wrote in today reading Kayla. All so true. I don’t have many friends. Don’t know why. I think my Husband is biased when he says this. It is there loss what people don’t want to be friends with you. As you are the most kind caring person that I know. I do have 3 friends. Two that live 86 miles away from me. I that lives 10 miles away from me. Two sisters that live 86 miles away from I see about 3 times a year when they come down to flowers on their Mum and Dad grave. There Dad was a Minister. They all my 3 friends are saved. The other friend I see her when she is free. That not that often but the 3 friends are so good to me even if I don’t see them that often. They no I suffer seizures. They text and email me to see how I am doing keep me in prayer. But I like a friend who I see more often and who we read the Bible together and pray together go for coffee together etc. I have prayed in the past for that. But it must not be God’s will as it not happened. Theses friends are all saved. When my Friends that live 86miles away going to their Parents grave to put flowers on it. They never forget about me. That are so good they ask me if free would you like to get in touch meet up for lunch or coffee. They are that kind. I do meet them the are glad to see me. But when I don’t see them theses only friends I have that often I do get lonely. I at times say why Lord have I not got more friends. Why does no one want to be my friend. I did try to be friends with one of the two sisters friend that lives 86 miles away but her friend didn’t want to know. I don’t know why. To this day I don’t know. I find myself getting lonely when even with my sisters fot coffee they are not saved. One time God showed me. This as they are not saved they invited me to have coffee with them. I go because it’s nice to see them and some of their kids they have with them and see them. But they start talking among either. Then forget about me. I fell lonely say why did I bother meeting them. They ask are you all right for peace sake I say yes. But really no. God said Dawn your not lonely I am beside you. I know it not nice for them to invite you and talk among themselves and not you as well. But they don’t realise they are doing because they are not saved. Things will not change with them until they get saved. Your not lonely God told me I am sitting beside you. You know what you do Dawn. That is quietly pray for them. Pray for them to see they are leaving you out and there salvation that what I do. I don’t feel as lonely. Even when on my own at home or where ever I am as I know I am not alone God is with me at all times. That helps me. Thank you for today’s reading Love it. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little xx in my prayers incourage
Keeping you in my prayers, Dawn. You are not alone!
This was so helpful. It resonated a connection with me. Thank you.
So grateful these words resonated with you. Thank you for reading.
I prayed this morning – God help me feel not so alone – a few hours later this arrived in my inbox, thank you!
Wow, that timing! Thanks so much for sharing that.
Thank you, Kayla! Yes, I have certainly felt lonely at parties and retreats. Sometimes even during church services. Maybe, too, we should look for the person on the outside, and partner up with them or draw them into the group. I have had people do that for me. And I try to do that for others.
So much wisdom there, Irene. Thank you.
Thanks for this podcast!!
I listen every morning-
The Focus journal sounds perfect for me to kick off my retirement-
it is a new way of life and I want to embrace it in a positive way
Love that, Karen!!
Thank you for your honesty! The thing I try to remember, when the loneliness lies attack me, is to identify the Absolutes in the statements. For Example: “No one understands X…” Really, there is no one else, who might understand? Look for those Absolutes (always, never, etc), because they Are Lies!
Those absolutes are so tricky, aren’t they? Thank you for what you shared.
Kayla,
I have been with groups of people & still felt lonely. Maybe I didn’t have much in common with those people. When that happens I try to find others who are by themselves & try to make conversation with them. Something else I do is remember elderly people who live alone. At times I may call or text them letting them know someone cares for them. To have a friend you have to be a friend. Sometimes that means taking the first step. Always remember that God is with you. We are never ever completely alone–no matter the lies the devil tries to tell you.
Blessings 🙂