When I was in high school, I was on the debate team. We’d meet before school, tucked away in a musty old history classroom, preparing our opening statements, rebuttals, and concluding remarks long before the crack of dawn. The sun would barely be peeking across the horizon as we divided into groups, wielding notebook paper with scribbles of quotes to test out our lines of reasoning. I never minded the early morning hours. Learning to craft the perfect argument – and more importantly, winning the argument — was its own reward.
For a while, I thought everyone loved to debate as much as I did, and I treated every conversation as an opportunity for intellectual rigor. Surely, I thought, everyone loves to hash out ideas around dinner tables and at Bible studies and parties, right? Let’s just put all the ideas on the table, discuss and dissect them, and then determine whose logic wins out. Boy, was I wrong. Conversational approaches in the debate room don’t translate well into everyday life conversations.
No surprise, people didn’t take kindly to me bringing down a heavy hand of critique to their ideas. Whenever I was quick to jump into a conversation to refute someone’s comments or story, the conversation usually came to a quick halt. People didn’t want to be talked down to, or constantly corrected. They wanted to be heard, understood, and for their ideas to have space to just breathe and exist. I know that probably sounds like an obvious truth, and it is, but it’s easier said than done.
I once heard someone say, “People don’t converse. They simply reload.” I think that is an apt analysis of how we often approach conversations today. We’re not even really listening to the other person. We’re just waiting for them to stop talking so that we can keep carrying on with whatever idea we want to express. No wonder we have such a hard time connecting with people today, especially with those who are different from ourselves.
In my day-to-day interactions with people, I’ve learned to connect before I correct. While there is a time and place for debate, it should not be the norm. Dissecting people’s ideas, telling people they are wrong, and platforming our own ideas over others are all quick ways to lose friends, hurt people’s feelings, and grow relational divides. Instead of debating with people I disagree with, I’ve learned to first lean in and become a better listener.
The Bible has a lot to say about listening well. James 1:19 says, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” Having a posture of listening isn’t easy. Nor is it easy to keep my mouth shut. My mind is always running and my ideas are always processing, and yet, that doesn’t mean I need to say everything I’m thinking all the time. I’m not called to center myself. I’m not called to bulldoze people with my “higher than thou” thoughts. I’m not even called to raise my voice.
Instead, the way of Christ and His followers is to see conversations as opportunities for relational connection. We are to show people we might vehemently disagree with that we first and foremost care for them and want to bond with them in some way.
Imagine what the body of Christ would look like today, what churches would look like today, if we didn’t constantly see people’s words and behavior as battlegrounds to be won. Imagine what our communities, and even our country, might look like today if we sought to better understand people across political, cultural, economic, religious, and class divides and seek to build connections based on mutual respect.
What if, instead of coming out of the gate with a defensive stance and our best argument to utterly crush another person, we said something like, “Oh, that’s interesting. I’ve never thought about it that way. Tell me more.” What if, instead of getting angry and thinking the worst of someone, we sought clarity by asking, “Hey, I’m not totally understanding what you’re saying. Can you elaborate?” or “Earlier you mentioned something, and I wasn’t quite sure what you meant. Could you help me better understand where you’re coming from?”
Nowadays, when I ask questions like this, instead of powering forward with a defense, I find that I’m able to connect with people on deeper levels and, ultimately, show the love of Christ to others. In choosing to connect instead of correct, I find that God opens doors for new perspectives and unexpected friendships. I won’t always agree with the people in my life, be that my family, friends, or neighbors, but I know that I can lean in with love and a desire to learn and understand, and that will have a far greater impact than choosing to debate.
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The (in)courage podcast is taking a brief hiatus from new episodes this week as we do some maintenance and updating behind the scenes! We’ll return to new daily episodes next week, starting March 13th. In the meantime, we hope you’ll enjoy five episodes from our podcast archives!
Today’s replay is from July 2022. It’s an excerpt from the summer issue of the Everyday Faith Magazine, written by Ellen Wildman and titled You Are Important. Listen below or wherever you stream podcasts.
Leave a Comment
Bev Rihtarchik says
Michelle,
I agree with your observation — when people are conversing, they are more often reloading instead of listening. In order to connect with people, you need to make an investment in time spent. Listening to people’s ideas, learning their unique bents, and asking questions helps solidify a solid connection — even then, may we slow to correct. I admit, I do miss the days when you could have a rousing “debating discussion” with someone and still walk away as friends rather than be prepared to take up arms.
Blessings,
Bev
Michelle Ami Reyes says
Thanks, Bev! Such good thoughts. And you’re right — part of the reason why we have to shift our approach to conversations is because the culture has shifted. We have to remind ourselves that just because we did it one way growing up and that worked doesn’t mean that same approach works right now in the present.
Beth Williams says
Bev,
I have missed you on this blog post. Prayers for you & your family. So so happy you are back once again!!
Blessings 🙂
Christine Jackson says
This was a perfect one for me to read, ponder, and put into practice.
My problem, solution personality sometimes is a disadvantage relationally.
Thank you this morning.
Michelle Ami Reyes says
Praise God! I completely understand. I feel like I have a fairly strong personality too, and it can be hard to explain things in a soft way. One of the BIG ways that I’ve learned to show more grace is my taking more time and energy, asking questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking/desiring/hoping. May God give you wisdom and grace and clarity for the road ahead.
Tammy says
I have been trying to find the link to do the survey. When I type it in it says not available. Can you put the link on here?
Becky Keife says
Hi Tammy! Sorry for the confusion. Today’s podcast episode is a replay from the summer and that survey mentioned is longer available. Thanks though for your willingness to fill it out! Hope you have a blessed day.
Tamara says
This is so beautiful Michelle and so true. Everyone is trying to get there perspective across to others and not listening to each other… hands and feet. Humble posture to learn, listen, love, share Jesus – thank you!
Michelle Ami Reyes says
So so true! So many times, we’re not actually trying to hear what the other person has to say. We’re just waiting for them to stop talking so we can just carry on with our ideas. When we do that, there is no hope for deeper connection, understanding, or relational trust. We need humility to pursue a better way! <3
Ruth Mills says
I’m adding your questions for deeper understanding to my tool box! The humility to say I don’t quite understand can you explain further is a huge example listening well! Bless you for sharing!
Michelle Ami Reyes says
Amen! And I completely agree. So often I want to just be able to have an answer to whatever people say. But yes, sometimes the best and most humble response is, “I don’t understand. Can you clarify?” That response protects us from getting mad too quickly or misinterpreting the other person’s words. Lord, give us grace!
Irene says
Thank you for this insight, Michelle! I, too, was on a debate team in high school. (Maybe to my detriment.) I am growing in this area of listening, but I still have a long way to go. Thank you for your words of encouragement.
Michelle Ami Reyes says
Hey, Irene! I still love debate, but I (hopefully) have learned the time and place for it, and when not to debate (which can be so hard). Sometimes, the best thing to do is just show people love, especially if it’s our family. Instead of trying to immediately change them, I’ve tried to just love them for who they are.
Gloria Austin Price says
Thank you for these inspiring wise words in which I will put into practice starting today.
Michelle Ami Reyes says
Thanks, Gloria! Sometimes it really is the small steps that have the greatest impact <3
Sharon A says
What a refreshing way to look at our own and others’ opinions and I love your questions!! Thanks for sharing. I know I can be guilty of “reloading.” Much better to listen to others’ ideas more closely.
Natalie says
Really enjoying the podcasts and articles.
Real life – real stories from a variety of people in all walks of life.
Thank you for the encouragement to continue on our journey !
Kathy says
What great questions! In the current state of affairs, i have tended to go quiet but those are good conversation starters and then I just need to keep my mouth shut and listen.
BTW…am also one of those “love to hash out and debate ideas” kind of person and have a friend or two who love it as well…..makes my brain sing and we can do it without shutting each other down and can agree to disagree. Gifts indeed
Beth Williams says
Michelle,
Lack of understanding other people is key reason we don’t have connections. No one sits down & really listens to other people. Everyone seems to be in such a hurry that we hear things, but don’t take the time to dig deeper into the conversation. That is the biggest problem in this country. The reason there is so much disharmony. A conversation isn’t a battle ground. It is a way of expressing your opinions. Let’s take time to have meaningful conversations with others. Yes make the effort to listen & get to know the other person before spouting off your rebuttal.
Blessings 🙂
Jacquelyn Platek says
Thank you for writing this. I agree with you and am so thankful that you are getting your perspective out to so many. As you said, this is easier said than done, but with the Holy Spirit living in us, we have the power to show extraordinary grace, love, and kindness to others if we only allow God to work through us. This is an outworking of the fruit of the spirit in us, which God promises to grow in every believer. Keep spreading kindness!