I tiptoed out of bed just before midnight, too full of sadness to sleep. I’d kept the tears at bay all week as I hopscotched from work to errands to chores, their distraction accomplishing what distractions do as I focused on various to-do’s. But under the cloak of night, the distractions disintegrated, and I was left with my own troubles attaching themselves to my attention, at attention, front and center.
I moved downstairs, plopped down on the sofa, and cried my eyes out. I cried over a few things, not the least of which was a friendship that didn’t look like it used to. I mulled over its history, and in the dark of night I could now see plain as day that the more effort I put into crossing the gap between us to improve the relationship, the more it became apparent that the other person wasn’t interested in improving the relationship.
I couldn’t change the other person’s “want to,” and I couldn’t do the work for the both of us. I knew it was finally time to accept that fact and quit forcing the relationship to be what it wasn’t.
A few days later, at our favorite Christmas tree farm, my husband saw me take a deep breath of chilly December air and let out a sigh as big as the nine foot Canaan fir evergreen next to me.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” he asked, eyebrows furrowed.
“This! This is what’s wrong.” I raised and dropped my arms dramatically. “For the first time, we’re picking out a Christmas tree without all the kids. I know that’s not wrong, but it doesn’t feel right either. Oh, I guess it’s just different, and different right now makes me sad.”
Since our daughter, the baby of the family, sprang the nest this past August — three years after our twin sons did the same — my husband and I are doing a lot of Christmas traditions as a party of two. The usual Christmas activities look and feel much different than they did when at least one child lived at home, and I’m surprised at how this change hurts a little more during this time of year.
As I try to comfort myself in old family traditions, the reality of new losses means I’m a literal far cry from merry and bright.
Now, you may be as far from my own parenting stage as you are from the North Pole, but I bet you sit rather close to a change or two that is messing with your familiar Christmas feels. Maybe you’ve had a change in a relationship, and someone you’ve spent more Christmases with than without won’t be celebrating with you this year. Maybe someone you’d like to distance yourself from is going to be sitting at your Christmas table for the first time. Maybe you’ve had a change in finances, your job, your address, or your stage of life. Whatever it is, that change feels particularly acute this time of year, a Real Life roadblock between you and your holiday happiness.
Wouldn’t we all like the realities of Real Life to take a vacation during the Advent and Christmas season, at least for a little while?
I sure would. I want to reside in the land of the Sugar Plum Fairies where I can simply relish my traditions of sugar cookies and cinnamon rolls and Bing crooning about a White Christmas in the background alongside all my favorite people. I want delight without a lick of drama, holiday cheer without the harshness of change. I want only good tidings of great joy, not the hard-on-the-heart realities of broken relationships and missing my kids.
But then I’m reminded that the actual good tidings of great joy — Jesus — is why we can walk through Real Life every day of the year, no matter where we are and what season we’re in.
Before Mary gave birth to Jesus, she had to first receive the miracle formed in the shadows. She had to sit in the shadow of the Most High.
“The angel answered, ‘The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God.'”
Luke 1:35 (NIV)
Miracles form in the shadows, and we never know when one will show up smack-dab in the middle of Real Life.
There’s no shame in being sad if things look different for you this Advent and Christmas season. Following that shadow of sadness, perhaps a miracle will come — a birthing of a new truth or tradition that will bless you for decades to come. Maybe something will change for the better, and maybe it won’t. Either way, you and I serve ourselves well when we let go of our expectations that the Christmas season will only be good if it looks a certain way.
Things may be different, yes, but different can still be good. Because while something new isn’t familiar, it can still be fantastic.
During this Christmas season, may we be acutely aware of how God births miracles in the dark. He did so for Mary, and He, in His sovereignty, can do so for us. May we remember He turns our impossible into possible, our difficult change into a grace. When we start to doubt or forget this, may we take our eyes off of what’s around us and instead look toward Jesus — the Way, the Truth, and the Real Life that is with us always.
Ruth Mills says
Great reminder. Since both our parents are now in heaven we typically enjoy holidays as pajama days. No work, household chores, sleep til we wake up, wallow in doing nothing. Might stay in our PJs all day. With Christmas day on Sunday we’ll celebrate Christmas Eve candlelight service & then 17 hours later be back at church for Lessons & Carols service. Wonderful worship celebrating the One Who is the cause for celebration! It will be different. But it will be good. Thanks for sharing your different but good story, it helped me not be weary in missing our Pajama Day this year. Blessings!
Kristen Strong says
Thank you for sharing part of your own different but good story too, Ruth. We love to spend Christmas in our pajamas as well! Maybe this year, you can both declare the 26th as Pajama Day! 🙂
Kellie Johnson says
This hits home as it’s the first Christmas since my last child flew the coop. I’m working on letting some traditions go and creating a day of rest for my husband and I on Christmas day. It’s different, but it will be good! Thank you for sharing 🙂
Kellie
Kristen Strong says
Thank you, Kellie! And three cheers for a new tradition or two as well!
Robin Dance says
At my small group the other night, a sweet friend invited us to share Christmas traditions. As the question landed back to her, she explained that as an empty nester, Christmas doesn’t look the same as it did when children were underfoot, and she was looking for ideas for new traditions in this season of life. I’ve pondered that thought ever since because I’ve been wrestling with a different-looking Christmas for a few years now. I LOVE the intentionality of looking for NEW traditions in this season; I hadn’t thought of doing so before Melinda mentioned it.
“Things may be different, yes, but different can still be good.” holds so much hope! The reason we celebrate never changes, thankfully, just the wrappings around the reason :). I love how your message reinforces the very ideas I’ve already been mulling over. ((hugs)) to YOU, Kristen as we figure it all out together <3.
xo
Kristen Strong says
Robin dear! Truly, you have mentored me in how to embrace this new season well, and I can’t thank you enough. I also love the way you phrase this: “The reason we celebrate never changes, thankfully, just the wrappings around the reason.” So good, Robin! And I’m so happy to have you alongside me as we walk through these changing seasons!
Mary C says
Kristen
Thank you for your Sharing.
“During this Christmas season, may we be acutely aware of how God births miracles in the dark. He did so for Mary, and He, in His sovereignty, can do so for us. May we remember He turns our impossible into possible, our difficult change into a grace. When we start to doubt or forget this, may we take our eyes off of what’s around us and instead look toward Jesus — the Way, the Truth, and the Real Life that is with us always.”
This is so very Helpful.
Grateful
Kristen Strong says
I’m so glad, Mary. Thank you for the kind words, and Merry Christmas!
Deborah says
I so needed this beautiful reading this a.m. A reminder, that even after a year of loss & change, Christ is the reason for the season.
Kristen Strong says
I’m so glad this blesses you, Deborah, and I’m praying now that in spite of loss and change, you have a very Merry Christmas. xo
Sharon McRoy says
Having been through what you are coping with, only without a spouse, I decided to create a few new traditions spent without my kids: invited other family-less gal-pals to dinner, volunteered time in the Rescue Mission kitchen and on the serving line, enjoyed my passions (such as hiking through the state forest, which filled my heart with appreciation, awe and wonder at our Creator’s glorious majesty and love). I was able to worship Him and serve others, all the while renewing my heart and finding peace.
Kristen Strong says
What a fantastic way to celebrate Christ’s birth by both serving others *and* welcoming friends into your home. I love this, Sharon.
Karen Purkey says
Thank you for sharing your story today. Our immediate family of kids and grandkids will all share some special time together this year. One family arrives from Bolivia several days before Christmas.
Our extended family gathers Christmas Day. Our niece and her husband and children are going through serious crises in their lives. I am not sure how this will affect Christmas Day, but I offer this time we all spend together to Jesus. I pray that God’s love will pour through my heart to those who are hurting so deeply, and that deep wounds will slowly heal in my niece and all her family.
Kristen Strong says
Praying for your family right now, Karen. I’m sure your own presence, kindness, and prayers will be an abundant blessing to your niece and her family. Merry Christmas to you and yours!
Janet W says
‘Miracles form in the shadows, and we never know when one will show up smack-dab in the middle of Real Life”
I love this…Thank you Kristen.
Life has been a “happy” different this Christmas season. We moved for the “millionth” time. But we also moved out storage. Sooooo I was able to see my memories of Christmas in forms of ornaments, pictures, Christmas dishes and space to put them out!
I realize not everyone has a happy season at Christmas time. That’s why God’s love for us is high and endless.
“He did so for Mary, and He, in His sovereignty, can do so for us”
Kristen Strong says
Moves can be so hard, yet I’m happy you’ve been able to visit some familiar memories through those found treasures. Have a very Merry Christmas, Janet!
Pearl says
Thank you.
Kristen Strong says
You’re so welcome, Pearl!
Dale says
Thank you for sharing your story today and in the mean time, renewing my heart and finding peace.
Kristen Strong says
Thank you for your kind words here, Dale, and may you and yours have a very Merry Christmas!
Tracy says
Thank you for this. I really needed it today.
Leslie says
You are so right…Different can still be good! Embrace it! When the kids marry you have to be flexible as they have in-laws to visit also. When you have grandkids then your children begin traditions that you must be flexible and accepting of. And for me who does not like change all of the above was tough. But I did it to make my kids holidays easier.
Beth Williams says
Kristen,
You are not alone my friend. This has been a hard holiday season. My hubby gets depressed this time of year as we no longer have family around–no pets either. He has one nephew in area. Working in hospitals this time of year is rough. So much sadness. Add to that My new job changed drastically from last year. It has been hard to suddenly adjust to doing new things at work. I’ve gotten a bit depressed this year also. No one really emphasizes the real meaning of Christmas. The birth of our savior Jesus. Prayers for everyone to have a Christ filled Christmas.
Blessings 🙂
Kimmie says
This is so much a real thing. Deep breaths. Keep ‘em coming.
Heidi says
Thank you for sharing this. I guess I am deeply grieving a friendship seeming to dry up. It has been greatly changing since July but I’ve seen sparks of life until realizing lately I think it’s gone, Heidi. I had debated talking to the person. I’ve tried talking to them, I’ve written letters to them, I’ve done so many things, it seems. This was a good reminder to let it happen how it’s going to happen. To let go, which I hate to do because I love my friends dearly. There are some broken dreams related to it as well. Thank you for this reminder today.
Corene Finley says
Thank you for sharing! As usual, your encouragement arrived at just the most perfect God-time. Enjoy your Christmas Day, however that may look this year
Susan G. says
Thanks for this Kristen. This “new and different” season when kids and grandkids move far away, is hard enough, without throwing in the holiday season too. I totally identified with your words today. I know without a doubt God directed them to this new far away state, and that has helped my emotions immensely. But last week, a little heartfelt song on a TV advertisement suddenly sent me sobbing… I was totally surprised at that and realized not having family around this Christmas affected me more than I thought. The Lord and His wonderful Word is always the answer for anything and everything we are going through. I’m so thankful He steps into our lives with comfort, love and compassion and gives us a new perspective. And with that new perspective comes gratefulness and joy!
Merry Blessed Christmas to you Kristen!