I felt embarrassed, disposable, belittled. He blew me off as if he was shooing away a fly.
Our small group leader had sent us on a search and discovery mission. He asked us to go, and in prayer, ask God what our small group mission should be. He reassured us that when we asked, God would faithfully answer. I wholeheartedly agreed with him. You see, I am one of those people who is gifted to audibly hear and tangibly feel Spirit. People from my church background refer to this particular gift as ‘discernment,’ or ‘a gift of prophecy.’ So for me, the small group leader’s instructions didn’t feel impossible or like anything out of the ordinary. As a matter of fact, before we’d even left the group meeting, I had already asked God about our small group mission and had postured my heart to hear.
Days later, true to God’s faithfulness, I clearly heard an answer. And as usual — for me, at least — I didn’t hear the answer while deep in prayer or silent meditation. The answer came as I was cooking dinner for my family.
“Racial healing,” I heard clearly. I responded by throwing a tantrum. I slammed pots and pans. I was furious! (This was years before the term ‘racial healing’ became a clarion call.)
“God!” I cried. “I am not going to tell that to the small group! Why are you setting me up for rejection? NOPE! I’m not going to do it!” I wrestled uncomfortably. Our family was new to this group which happened to be made up of all White families. I suspected that they would think I was sharing my own agenda, not God’s. I did not want to be at the receiving end of anyone’s fears associated with race conversations. My desire to be liked pushed back against God.
But God’s words were weightier, more significant than my desire to be liked. So I proposed a deal. I told God, “If someone else opens the door, I will go through it.” Meaning that if someone else mentioned something about racial healing, then I’d share what God told me. As a person who has lived with this gift all my life, I knew that I would not be the only person who heard. And sure enough, following a week of asking and listening, as the small group gathered, the leader shared that as he slept, God had given him dreams of building bridges! My heartbeat sped up as I sat up to prepare myself to affirm his dream with the words I had heard. I spoke carefully, slowly, nervously.
Every eye was on me, bewildered, questioning, uneasy. Then our small group leader responded, “NOPE! That’s not it!” He proceeded to ask others what they had heard from God. No one else had anything to say.
Is this how a fly feels? I thought as I felt my words shooed from the air where they lingered. The rejection was like a Mike Tyson Total Knock Out. I wanted to disappear. I was mad at God for setting me up for this painfully dehumanizing experience.
As the leader began re-interpreting his ‘bridge building’ dream into a vision for building wheelchair ramps and bird houses, Amy, one of the women in the group, attempted to redirect the group back to what I had shared. She had questions and wanted to lean-in for answers. But the leader was determined to stay far away from any references to ‘racial healing.’ No judgment from me. I was also uncomfortable and intimidated by God’s vision.
I chose to move forward in the ‘racial healing’ mission without the small group. But one person from the small group also chose to accept God’s invitation – Amy. Over the course of several years, Amy leaned in as we expanded our understanding. She persisted and as a result, led her family to levels of liberation in Christ that they didn’t know existed. She eventually volunteered to help me grow an organization that has helped tens of thousands of families in churches, communities, and schools take foundational steps toward racial healing!
For years, I carried the pain of feeling belittled by the small group, until someone who was impacted by Amy’s growth journey helped me see the past more clearly: when God asked me to share the mission for racial healing with the small group, God was inviting Amy to an abundance of healing — an abundance that overflowed into her family and into masses beyond her home. It had nothing to do with the group’s reception or rejection. It wasn’t about me or the group at all! It was about Amy! She is a living testament to how God’s ways (and math) are beyond my understanding!
God told Isaiah, the 8th-century BC Israelite prophet:
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so my ways are higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.
The rain and snow come down from the heavens
and stay on the ground to water the earth.
They cause the grain to grow,
producing seed for the farmer
and bread for the hungry.
It is the same with my word.
I send it out, and it always produces fruit.
It will accomplish all I want it to,
and it will prosper everywhere I send it.
Isaiah 55:9-11 (NLT)
I have accepted the fact that I can not and will never fully understand God’s ways. While I grasp for explanations, God already knows the ‘why.’ While I live and think within a frame of time, God knows the end from the beginning. While I am finite, God is infinite. But, even in wonder and bewilderment, I can trust God who strengthens and directs my path (Proverbs 3:5-6). I can embrace the mystery of God’s ways and let go of resentment and pain. My sorrow can turn to celebration.
Nida says
I am grateful to the Holy Spirit for His persistence in speaking to you and for the healing that the Lord has brought to you and many of us because you chose to walk the path He was guiding you to. Thank you.
Lucretia Carter Berry says
Hi Nida!
I sincerely appreciate your encouragement. Thank you for reading.
Shalom,
Lucretia
Peggie says
All types real, genuine reconciliations comes from our
actions and behavior—not just words. You are what
you do, not what you say you should do!
Lucretia Carter Berry says
Hi Peggie!
Yes, words wield the world. “In the beginning, God spoke…” and then life began.
I sincerely appreciate your encouragement. Thank you for reading.
Shalom,
Lucretia
Annetta says
Thank you for reminding me that God’s ways may seem questionable to me BUT only He knows the total plan and results of His ways.
I am reminded that God’s ways are far beyond my understanding and may not involve just me BUT be His means to influence and impact other’s lives.
Thank you for sharing your heart.
Lucretia Carter Berry says
Hi Annetta!
You have a beautiful name!
Yes, God is always about the MUCH BIGGER picture, which I am too small to see.
I sincerely appreciate your encouragement. Thank you for reading.
Shalom,
Lucretia
Darla O'Kane says
Thank you so much for sharing! I’ve been trying to figure everything out, and have only produced anxiety as a result! You reminded me again of the truth…His ways!
Lucretia Carter Berry says
Hi Darla!
Yes, His ways are BIGGER and BETTER. May we are energy in trusting rather than trying to carry the weight of being all-knowing.
I sincerely appreciate your encouragement. Thank you for reading.
Shalom,
Lucretia
Dawn Ferguson-Little says
Lucretia you know God does not make us do anything we can’t do. If God ask us to do or say something we have to remember God will equip up to do or say it. Even if we think it sounds stuip and we are going to look stuip if it to be said in front of group of people. God if he wants us to say it. Will have a reason for us saying it. Even if we feel we are going to look stuip. God wouldn’t want to us say something if he didn’t have a reason for us to say it. It could be to teach someone in group something they need to hear. Like I felt God speaking to me one time. Saying tell your friend about the Polaroid camera and how when you get saved for the first time like the instant photo that comes out of the Polaroid camera it is blurred to begin with then as time goes on it gets clear the photo. We can see the picture probably. I was told to say this to my friend. That is like us when we get saved. The words in the Bible that we read when just a young in faith. Some we don’t understand. We have to like the Polaroid camera wait for them to become clear to us through the Holy Spirit. So we understand what God is saying to us through the part of his word we have just read. But it take time for us to have our focused to say what God is saying. Like the Polaroid picture it doesn’t become Claire right away like God’s word it doesn’t come clear to us right away. We have to wait for it to become Claire and through the holy spirit and time God’s word becomes clear to us. And as we read it more the Holy Spirit shows what he wants to learn from and apply it to our lives and the picture reflect us paint God’s holy spirit in the world reflecting god beautiful picture through us in the world so they are unsafe for see God’s beautiful picture on it and what we have and that is to know Jesus as our saviour. And I say amen to that. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little xx
Lucretia Carter Berry says
Hi Dawn!
You are so right. I needed to get my ego and my feelings out of the way.
I sincerely appreciate your encouragement. Thank you for reading.
Shalom,
Lucretia
BC from BC says
Beautifully said. Thank you for sharing. It has inspired me. God Bless.
Lucretia Carter Berry says
Hi BC!
I sincerely appreciate your encouragement. Thank you for reading.
Shalom,
Lucretia
Laura says
What a wonderful testimony! Thank you for sharing!
Lucretia Carter Berry says
Hi Laura!
I sincerely appreciate your encouragement. Thank you for reading and appreciating.
Shalom,
Lucretia
ELMorehead says
God has blessed me with a good amount of intelligence. My problem with that, over the years, is that it’s easy for me to think, it’s my job to figure things out. That’s not always true.
Thank you for reminding me: God’s ways defy logic; & can’t be figured out, even if I think them through long enough! That’s where my Faith needs to get exercised.
Lucretia Carter Berry says
Hi!
I am so glad that you are encouraged by my story.
I sincerely appreciate your encouragement. Thank you for reading.
Shalom,
Lucretia
Beth Williams says
Lucretia,
Thank you for listening to the Holy Spirit’s leading. You never know who, what or where God will lead you to. We will never understand God’s timing & ways of working. He knows the future. He has an agenda & is using us to accomplish it. Thanks for a great post.
Blessings 🙂
Lucretia Carter Berry says
Hi Beth!
Yes, I agree that God’s agenda is beyond my understanding. I am so glad that we have the option to simply trust.
I sincerely appreciate your encouragement. Thank you for reading.
Shalom,
Lucretia