“Who is the colored guy in my driveway?” I went into shock — my fingers froze and the whole room got quiet.
Let me rewind the story a little for you. I used to do bridal makeup as a side hustle. A client had hired me to do her engagement pictures. Her parents lived on a secluded property with a beautiful backyard, so she wanted her pictures taken there. My husband dropped me off at their house, since I wasn’t familiar with the area. All the family were laughing together, sipping wine, and getting excited planning for my client’s big day. We laughed as everyone shared childhood memories and quirks about her. This was actually my favorite part of bridal makeup; it wasn’t just the client I worked with, but I often would get to meet the whole family.
As I was getting my final touches on her makeup, her dad yelled from the hallway, “Who is the colored guy in my driveway?” It didn’t even phase me at first because I had actually never heard that term used in a conversation in my life. But the laughter and chatter grew quiet around me. He stuck his head into the room and repeated his question, “Anyone want to tell me why there is a colored guy in my driveway?” That’s when I went into shock, my fingers froze in place, and the whole room held their breath. In that moment I felt so many emotions. I was embarrassed of being the other in the room. I was angry for being belittled to a racial slur. I was afraid for what this stranger would do next.
I spoke up, “That’s my husband. He just came to pick me up.” I quickly finished her makeup and gathered my things to leave. We all pretended like nothing happened, even though it was very awkward. I got into the car and told my husband to drive away fast.
I shared with him what happened and I processed my own feelings. The next day, I texted my client and told her that I would not be able to do her wedding makeup as we had planned. I expressed to her that I didn’t feel comfortable or safe working with her family after hearing her dad use racially derogatory terms and having no one speak up for me. She responded back that she fully understood my decision and apologized for her dad’s behavior.
Here is what I didn’t do next: I didn’t get on social media and rant about it, nor did I post her family’s address and name to tell everyone how they had treated me. I think we live in a culture that would rather cancel a person or a group of people than have a hard conversation. But conversations can actually change people; cancelling simply condemns them.
I could’ve just let the whole situation slide and continued to do business with her for her wedding, or I could have laughed it off as ignorance. But I knew that I had to speak up and actually talk to her about it. I don’t know if she ever shared any of it with her dad, or if her dad changed — that’s not my responsibility. My responsibility is to shed light where there is darkness and to call out sin. Jesus never overlooked sin; in fact, at times He would see what was in the heart and minds of people around Him and He would call them out on it. But He never alienated or rejected anyone.
It is easy for us to cancel people that hurt us as a way of defending ourselves and trying to prevent more pain. Especially with social media, we can quickly rally people to join us in canceling those we dislike or disagree with, but that is not an option for a follower of Jesus. Jesus calls us to do the hard work of loving those who hurt us, and that often looks like calling out sin and having an honest conversation with them. This allows them to have the opportunity to understand the injury they caused and repent, rather than continue in their sin. Isn’t that the same love that Jesus offers us?
Perhaps one of the most amazing examples of this is Saul of Tarsus, a zealous Jew who was on a mission to eradicate Christians.
Jesus appears to Saul not to condemn him, but to have a conversation with him. Jesus calls Saul out and shows him that what he was doing is wrong. Then Jesus goes onto call Saul to Himself. Saul, of course, is totally transformed by this beautiful gift of grace; he is renamed Paul and goes on to write more than half of the New Testament as an apostle of Christ.
Like Paul we are also ambassadors of the grace of God, calling out the sin in the world but calling people to Christ. “Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church” (Ephesians 4:15 NLT). The next time we’re tempted to cancel someone, let’s come back to this: speak the truth in love.
This is so true. So many avoid hard conversations because it’s uncomfortable and sometimes embarrassing. However it is so necessary to have them for your healing and the other party.
Yesss! I may not change them, but hopefully I was able to evoke thoughts and a conversation in their family for them to experience healing
Simi,
The truth you speak about bringing light into the darkness takes courage.
Thank you for demonstrating how boldness coming from a place of love can lead to deeper understanding.
I am grateful for the Holy Spirit who helped to use wisdom and discernment as well as operate in His love
Some conversations are indeed uncomfortable but are needed. It isn’t easy to speak up. In fact it can be a bit scary. A few months ago, an former neighbor spoke about a “colored” person and I was shocked. I did not know what to say. I just walked away. When I mentioned this with another neighbor who also heard this, her response to me was “well, she’s older and that’s how she was raised. Don’t upset her by saying anything.” I am not sure what upset or angered me more- what my neighbor said, what my friend said or my lack of doing nothing. I am so sorry I kept quiet. Thank you for sharing this with us.
I have ignored and laughed off so many of these sort of moments…but now I have courage to speak bc I know to love someone us to speak truth not just agree with them, to give them the opportunity to repent and understand. It isn’t easy, but esp when it is someone you have to see often, I totally get that!
Thank you for this article. I’m not one to post my grievances on social media either as all that does is stir the pot and doesn’t help one deal with the problem in a healthy, productive way. I can’t change a person, not my job, but I can lean on God to help give me the words and wisdom to speak about my feelings and move forward.
Yes! We are not called to change people- that’s too much pressure. But we get the privilege to be salt and light – give them truth in grace
Well done, Simi! It seems to me you handled that situation perfectly. I’m very sorry you had anything to handle.
Thanks friend
Simi -your post is beautifully written and spot on. The way you handled an uncomfortable, unfair, undeserved situation embodies your faith. And this is what we are all called to do. Thank you for sharing your story and for being a shining light amongst so much darkness.
Thanks for much for reading and for your words of encouragement.
I love your words “…conversations can actually change people; cancelling simply condemns them.” I wrote it down in my journal to think on and use. Thank you for a timely article! God bless your ministry.
Thank YOU!!
Simi, thank God for the boldness that stood up in you for right and righteousness.
I believe that several people would have canceled after PAYMENT! The impact that you made spoke volumes of who you are. May we ALL learn from your experience. The children of God have kept quiet and hidden long enough. Thanks so much for sharing.
I think when we are able to stay connected to God- we will understand the things that break God’s heart. Sometimes when that happens He move us to action and we rely on Him to use us a catalyst for change by speaking truth in grace.
I agree for many situations – but I think other situations (i.e. Christian leaders continuing breezily in sin after being approached individually about the sin; keep-quiet coverups designed to allow child molesters to keep doing their thing) do call for more than an individual never-public no-consequences-for-them approach. If the father had been running for public office depending on the assertion that of course he had never been racist or said anything racist, it probably would have been appropriate to provide information to the contrary. But it should still, somehow, always be done in love.
Absolutely. There are some scenarios that require absolute attention to the individual for investigation and to protect others as well as to prevent harm- I get that, esp when it comes to safety. This scenario was not one of those- so we use discernment. But we should always feel bold to call out sin, when we are able to do it in love as Christ has taught us.
I’m 80 years old and when I was a child, dark skinned people preferred to be referred to as negro, then it changed to colored people, then it changed again to black people. None of these references to those of us who lived through those periods of time were meant to be racial slurs. I lived in Des Moines, Iowa, then moved to Chicago for high school. I’m not prejudiced at all and think that older folks who lived during that particular period of time wouldn’t mean it as a slur. Look at the heart of the person before making a judgment, especially if someone isn’t used to having a “colored” person in his driveway. He may not have meant to be insensitive.
I agree, I don’t expect anyone who is not a minority to thoroughly understand the struggles and lived experiences of a minority- just like a right handed person doesn’t know how a left handed person has to live life that is set up for a right handed person.
No matter our age, location or time period- we are held to the standard of God’s command to love all people bc we are all image bearers of God. So we should treat all with dignity not simply belittle and box people into a category that culture has stereotyped them in. So I didn’t stereotype this man- who made me feel unsafe rather i continued to work with clients who were white- not allowing him to narrow my perspective and create hate.
But also remember Jesus came to call out culture and give us a new way to live -a kingdom culture – we love by speaking truth in grace- not simply by going along with culture and the way the world lives. To be salt and light to shift the atmosphere where we are!
Thank you for sharing, talk about an awkward moment. I’m sorry. So here is where I’m confused. You said you didn’t feel SAFE. Why? Did his comment make you feel he would say other stupid remarks or were you feeling physically jeopardized? Had you done her wedding like you’d committed to as well as had a conversation about his comment wouldn’t that have spoken louder of grace and being victorious over uneducated slurs? I truly am curious, not judging, as I have an adopted Ethiopia daughter who may face all sorts of conversations or comments having a Caucasian family (I’m actually Hispanic) or being singled out at her school or neighborhood. I want her to feel safe. I also desire her to not feel like she’s a victim, requiring people to tiptoe around her, is she biracial, black, brown, African or Ethiopian… Or that she’s more special than anyone. Truly this is something I’ve been wanting to just opening talk about yet it seems like such a touchy topic.
Thanks for asking. I didn’t feel safe bc the area where I was at was an isolated area on a large property, they had deer heads everywhere in their house so I knew they had guns. I wasn’t afraid of my client but I had a feeling from her dad’s casual comment that he was not using being around ppl of color- so I was fearful of his response.
I didn’t do her wedding, and told her in advance (1 year advanced notice) bc I don’t have to put myself in any place where someone doesn’t know and see my worth. It is already hard to be in a place where you are the only person that looks like you but then to hear comments and have no one speak up for you is a red flag. Also I don’t need to be in any place that creates anxiety in me, esp when it is a side hustle.
Grace is a hard word to unpack- but scripture points to Christ who is grace personified- calling out sin and speaking in love the truth to people who were living in sin and ignorance – us- so we can renew our minds and repent. So grace calls us to live out to the same standard – tell the truth- shine bright so they can also see the truth.
Simi, I love this article so much, although I hate the incident that was the impetus for it. Thank you for spurring me on to do as Jesus would do…to behave in a way that models truth in love. Love you!
I love you friend ♥️
Simi I can understand why you stopped doing the make up of your client for her wedding. It was not nice for the Bride to be Dad to say what he said. When you felt not safe. You made the righ to decision not go back. You were honest with the Bride to be why. I glad she apologise for her Dad and what he said. I am white be skinned and I have cousin who has sallow skin not brown or white in between. All my life I have expected her for who she is. I love her and her skin colour does not bother me. I have always expected her. But I know as heard from her people have not at times been so nice to here. It not nice that people can be horrible. As saved or not saved. We are all God Children. He love us and saved or not saved we are love all people of all walks of life and skin colour. As this we song come to mind that I learnt in Sunday School when we. It is so true. Even for us as Adults today. I find alot of the songs I learnt at Sunday School are very appropriate for us as Adults today especially if saved. Not just for kids. The song is “Jesus Loves All The Children Of The World Red And Yellow Black And White.” We are to do the same. How true that is for even us as Adults today especially if saved. God see everything we do. Saved or not saved. As good Christian friend of mine alot older than me. Who is in Glory now said Dawn remember Bidden or not Bidden God is watching. How true that is. That sticks with me. Like the scripture The eyes of the Lord go round watching everything. I don’t know if that wrote probably. Don’t know we’re it is in the Bible. But it also true. So with people being not nice not matter what it to do with. We are especially if saved to love them like Jesus and pray for God to change their heart. Only God can do that make them change saved or not. Yes at times it hard especially if there are people not being nice to us. I been there with even people who are saved and meant to be my friend. I had to get the grace to do what Jesus would want me to do. Still love them and pray for God to make them see error of their ways. I had to forgive them. Yes it been hard but it what God wants me to do. I said why are they being like this or saying that. It does hurt. I feel for you Simi. As it not nice. I have been bullied at school when young called names. All theses things hurt. But you have to pray forgive for them and leave them in the hands of Jesus. Or if you didn’t all theses things would eat you up. You let them stop you being the beautiful person God wants you to be. God see all. Love big big hugs to you. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little in my prayers all incourage. Xx
Amen! Thanks for sharing
I grew up in the years when people of color were referred to as “colored” and it wasn’t meant as a slur. But when someone demands why there is a person in their driveway the way he did, I don’t care what terminology he used, it sure sounded like a racial slur! You handled it well. I’m sure that I will never truly understand what it feels like to grow up black, but I pray that I’m never part of the problem and if I say something accidentally that makes someone feel uncomfortable that they will show me grace.
I truly appreciate your comment. Thanks for understanding.
Cancelling someone is easy. Speaking the truth in love to others can be hard to do, but it can also produce good fruit. If it doesn’t go well, then we have done our part. I agree, God doesn’t want us cancelling others until, if possible, we have tried to address the situation.
Amen!
Simi,
Thank you for sharing your post. I totally agree with you about that term. Growing up in the 70s and 80s in the South, I heard my grandmother use that term all of the time. It’s strange how at first I didn’t understand what it meant. It’s only been since I’ve become an adult that I’ve truly come to despise it. It’s awful, and I’m glad that it’s fallen out of favor for most (and wishfully, all) people.
Thank you for your courage to stand up and take the merciful road. Thank you for your honesty and courage across the board. Your posts are always encouraging. Thank you for being a woman of courage.
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement
Thank you for your insightful words. Acting with love and kindness is necessary.
Thank YOU!
True Wisdom is Jesus Centered.
Always!
Simi,
I don’t post my opinions on Face book or any social media. I simply love on people as Jesus would. Society says do whatever & live however you want. That is very counterculture to the way I was raised. Young people don’t seem to care or know about Jesus. I can tell by how they live their lives. Two co workers are gay & one is living with his girlfriend. That drives me crazy. Oh there’s nothing I can do about it, but pray & shower God’s love on them. So sorry that happened to you.
Blessings 🙂