It’s OK. It’s not that bad.
It is so much worse for other people.
Everyone has bad stuff happen.
Everyone is counting on me. Suck it up and push through.
These are the phrases I’ve told myself over and over for the past eighteen months.
I won’t bore you with a long list of the big and small things that have happened to us over the past year and a half, but let me just say that being woken up by a tree falling on the roof smack dab in between where my husband and I were sleeping rates about a 4 on the 1 to 10 “Are you kidding?” scale.
I kept working, kept plugging along. I was behind on everything because I would sit down to work or look at my long list of things that needed to be checked off and freeze.
I’d tell myself:
“Just do the next thing!”
“Stop being so lazy.”
“You have a deadline. Just do something.”
And when I would try, in my own careful way, to explain to a group of people I was working with that life has been especially hard over the past year and a half, the response I got was, “Life has been hard for everyone.”
Yep. I agree.
But the not-so-thinly-veiled message was, “Stop complaining and suck it up.”
I finally began seeing a therapist because I had such a hard time functioning. I couldn’t be creative or concentrate, and I didn’t want to hang out with anyone else besides my husband and my dog.
My therapist asked some initial questions, and I responded with “Yeah, this thing happened, but it’s not a big deal.” Or, “Yeah, it was hard for me, but other people have had it so much worse—”
She finally stopped me and asked, “Have you heard of compound trauma?”
I hadn’t. She went on to explain. “Yes, any one of those things on their own may not have sunk you. And you could have recovered. But what it sounds like is that life has been unrelenting, and each of these traumas — and that’s what they are, traumas — has left you without the ability to recover.”
And as soon as I heard this, I, a dedicated non-crier, broke down in a flood of tears.
Yes, other people have had horrible things that have happened to them. And I will mourn with them.
But the magnitude of someone else’s suffering does not lessen my suffering. And until I allow myself to grieve, I cannot recover.
So many of us, especially over the past three years, have been through surprisingly hard things. It doesn’t matter if other people are tougher than you. It doesn’t matter if your friend or your neighbor could handle circumstances better than you could.
We must stop trying to tough it out.
God has made it clear that in order to be there for others, we must allow God to comfort us.
2 Corinthians 1:3–4 (ESV) says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
God’s comfort comes in some surprising, and unexpected ways.
Pay attention to the words from your most tender-hearted friends. My friend Grace, when knowing I was struggling with my young dog’s terminal illness, passed on some wisdom. “My vet told me to tell myself, ‘Yes, they are going to pass. But not today. Today is a good day and we are going to be thankful for the good day today.’”
God comforts us through others who are going through similar circumstances. Thank God for Facebook support groups that have helped me with everything from dealing with my dog’s illness to reassuring me that I can have a safe place to ask questions after a car accident.
God comforts us through other people’s creative acts of kindness. Last week a group of friends sent some snacks (for us and our dog Moose), cards and letters, and a few toys for our animals to play with. A talented friend mailed me a card with a painting of our chicken, Bullwinkle, who had passed away. Recently, an old friend of my mother-in-law posted a picture of Roger’s mom on Facebook. We’d lost Betty last year and the picture was a comfort to Roger as his long grief continues.
Through the Word, prayers, and the love of the people God has surrounded us with, we feel His comfort.
While I and others cannot always be trusted to handle my hurt, God does not judge me for not being tough enough to go it alone. He calls Himself the God of all comfort and He proves that over and over again.
Madeline says
Oh, Kathy, if only you really knew important it was for me to read this this morning. Many thanks for sharing your own struggle. It helps so much- today I will try to be less harsh with myself.
Kathi Lipp says
I love when the Holy Spirit knows exactly when we need to hear what. I pray that you feel His presence today Madeline. I’m glad you will be gentle with yourself.
Gayle says
Perfect timing because yesterday we just had to put our 11-year-old boxy to sleep with so many problems of health. We rescued him 10 years ago and he was the most loving passive cuddler and today is the first day without him at home and something is definitely missing ..his presence. We know he needed to go but just weren’t ready. Thanks for God’s comfort.
Ruth Mills says
Whether 2 footed or 4 footed loved ones, we might be prepared but we are never ready to let them go. Praying you will be comforted by The God of ALL comforts & memories of your sweet boxie will give you moments of joy. Pet every pup you cross paths with in honor of your boxie!
Kathi Lipp says
Prepared vs. ready. A great distinction Ruth.
Kathi Lipp says
Oh Gayle – my heart breaks reading this. What a wonderful life you gave your boy. Thanks for loving him well – signed Kathi, another boxy lover.
Beth Williams says
Gayle,
Sweet sister sending (((((((((Hugs)))))))))) from Watauga, TN. Losing a pet is just as hard as losing a human loved one. They become like family. May you feel God’s peace & comfort as you grieve.
Blessings 🙂
Gail says
Thank you for this beautiful encouragement, Kathi. I really needed to hear this. I have told myself and have let others tell me that it could be so much worse, and I know that’s true and others have had it worse, but my grief is real and it’s mine, and as you said, I can’t heal if I don’t allow myself to go through it. Bless you.
Kathi Lipp says
Oh Gail – yes. May we have half the mercy for ourselves that we have for others.
Ruth Mills says
In a season of 1 thing after another I’m sure your counselor would’ve called compound trauma, I was rattling off each hill / mountain & I read Psalm 121…”Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven & earth” Maker of heaven & earth! Maker of those hills & mountains He knew the terrain & could/would/will enable us to navigate them! He is the “Compound Comforter” sending what we need exactly when we need it as we face compound trauma. Thank you for sharing your struggles to inspire my new appreciation of a new faucet of God’s character. Blessings dear heavenly sibling!
Kathi Lipp says
I love Compound Comforter!
d from Canada says
Thank You Kathi for sharing from the depths of your heart ~ it certainly spoke to me.
Kathi Lipp says
I’m so glad it spoke to you.
S says
Very good one!
Kathi Lipp says
Thank you S!
Gloria says
Thank you for your words that are helping me through these difficult times.
Kathi Lipp says
I’m so sorry that you’re going through painful things right now. Praying for God’s comfort.
His beloved, Amy says
I’ve been doing this too. I need a good long healing cry. For me it was my parents spit for the second time in my life as I just turned 40, a failed hysterectomy, a successful hysterectomy 2weeks later, helping my mom move and get back on her feet and through her own medical things including her 3 surgeries, trying to adjust to dads new girlfriend right after mom left, oldest son that launched and started climbing cell towers, covid, move across state, then 3 months later move across town. Son moving across the country after moving to this state as well with work transfer. Missing him(23) but proud too. This is only the past 4 years!
No wonder it’s been harder to adjust. I love this new state. I love where God brought us, I am thankful. But it’s gonna take some time. I need to be more gentle on myself. Heal and then back to the new normal ❤️
For some reason typing my laundry list and actually seeing it was affirming.
Thank you for this today. Needed it.
Kathi Lipp says
I get it – acknowledging all that you’ve been through helps us really recognize that there has been too much, and that it is OK to say that we’re not OK.
Irene says
Kathi, I wish for you a long period now of “compound joy”! Enough already. Lord, fill Kathi’s world with so many happy moments and thoughts that she overflows with them and leaks them onto everyone around her. Just like she spread her comforting words to us today!
Heidi says
This really spoke to me today as well. I recently had someone mention “compound trauma” to me at work recently. After returning from a week off, it seems like things should be “great.” Thanks for being honest and vulnerable. Apparently several of us needed to know we can grieve the things happening in our lives currently.
Janet Williams says
Thank you Kathi…thank you for sharing hard stuff. Sometimes we forget how freeing it can be!
I love these words you wrote…
“Through the Word, prayers, and the love of the people God has surrounded us with, we feel His comfort.”
Amy says
Thank you for sharing! I relate to all of this.
Lorayne says
I sooo needed this today. I always feel guilty for complaining when I see others in worse shape/ circumstances. Thank you for this!!
Julie Allenby says
Me too, I certainly understand what you mean.
Jennifer Haynie says
Kathi,
I’m sorry your pup is ill. It’s hard to lose a dog because they do color our lives. Praying that you will indeed find His comfort.
Steph says
Kathi, thank you so much for sharing. May God continue to bless and comfort you and give you His peace. ❤️❤️
Steph says
Kathi, thank you so much for sharing. May God continue to bless and comfort you and give you His peace ❤️
Julie Allenby says
Thank you for this beautiful article. It’s just what I needed right now while I’m having a hard time dealing with the loss of a pet cat and other draining events. I copied down most of your words into my faith planner so I can read them time and again. Thank You.
Jackie M. Johnson says
Yes! I resonate with this.
Thank you for insights on grief and comfort. And multiple traumas. You verbalized what many people are feeling, but didn’t know how to say.
And we really do need to replenish our emotional reserves.
Excellent post!
Sandra Ferguson says
Thank you for sharing. This is exaxtly what I needed to hear today. I have been in the same place for a while. Bombarded for a while and telling myself the things you said. While I know we will get through, I have to acknowledge where I am in order to move on.
Lori Young says
Absolutely beautiful and so reassuring. Praying for you my friend! Praise God for his comfort.
Beth Williams says
Kathi,
Thanks for a much needed post. So many people have been through the “wringer” so to speak over the past few years. I have some Co-worker ICU RNs who worked Covid units. Now they are dealing with a sort of PTSD. Back in 2020 on a Sunday afternoon I was feeding my iguana-Tiny when he suddenly died in my arms. It hurt really bad. I first thought I had done something wrong. It was his time to go. Sad thing was that my hubby-the one who bought Tiny in first place-was at work.
I never minimize anyone’s trials or suffering. Everyone deals with stuff differently. I just love on & pray for them.
Blessings 🙂