On a whim one Saturday afternoon, my husband and I decided to go see a movie — something we hadn’t done together in months. As we settled into our seats, I was already primed to thoroughly enjoy the experience. Between the excitement of a rare date night and my anticipation for a movie I’d looked forward to watching for months, odds were that I was going to have a good time.
What I didn’t expect, though, was how much more I would enjoy the movie because of the woman sitting next to me.
Right as the previews were starting, an older couple sat in the seats to my left. As each trailer wrapped up, the woman whispered loudly to the man next to her, “Do you want to see that one?” I’ll admit I started feeling nervous she might ruin the evening by talking through the movie, but I’m glad to say I didn’t need to worry.
Instead, my fellow movie-goer elevated the whole night by gasping in excitement and surprise and laughing loud and hard at every single joke. She had the best time, and I could almost feel her delight radiating in my direction. Sitting next to someone who so thoroughly enjoyed the movie made me like the movie that much more.
That evening has stuck with me and has come to mind several times since. And each time, I’ve felt thankful. I often pick up and absorb other people’s emotions, but it’s not always such a positive experience. As an empath (someone who detects and sometimes even takes on other people’s emotions more often and more intensely than others), I’ve at times found myself consumed by the negative emotions someone else is experiencing and unable to easily recalibrate my own feelings.
Having such little control over my emotions has actually been a source of shame for me — so much so that I’ve never talked or written about being an empath because I’ve believed it somehow made me weak. I remember reading once that it’s better to be a thermostat than a thermometer, that a woman following Jesus will set the temperature for the people around her, creating a calm, joyful, peaceful, content atmosphere rather than reacting to what’s going on around her and being tossed about by the whims of emotion.
In other words, somewhere along the way, I learned it was less godly to be influenced by feelings — and it seemed reasonable to assume that went doubly for feelings that weren’t even my own.
Maybe you’re reading this and wondering where on earth I got those ideas. Of course you can have lots of feelings! What a weird thing to feel bad about!
Or perhaps you don’t relate to someone experiencing intense emotions on a pretty regular basis. Wow, that must be exhausting to be so up and down all the time!
But for those who’ve ever felt ashamed of being too emotional or for getting too invested in someone else’s gladness or grief, I want to share what God’s been showing me.
As I’ve started learning more about empathy and being an empath, I’m realizing that this way that God has made me can’t be bad. He created me and you; therefore, all of our “wonderfully complex” (Psalm 139:14 NLT) and unique traits are His workmanship. Maybe, in fact, an ability to sense other people’s emotions and to feel them deeply is a gift.
When I go to Scripture for clarity about this, I find lots of reminders to stay rooted in and focused on God. He is our foundation, the thing that keeps us from truly spinning out of control. Yes, may it be so! But even while we abide in Him and build our lives on Him, instructions for loving others repeatedly require us to get our whole hearts (and our emotions) involved.
Both Ephesians 4:32 and 1 Peter 3:8 urge us to be tenderhearted with one another, and Colossians 3:12 says we must have compassionate hearts. We’re reminded in 1 Corinthians 12:26 that when one member of the body of Christ (the Church) suffers, all suffer. And Romans 12:15 puts it plainly: “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”
If that’s not a reason to embrace and practice empathy, I don’t know what is!
Rather than feeling guilty for being overly sensitive or too emotional, I’m seeing now that being perceptive and responsive can allow us to connect deeply with people and quickly desire to help when they’re in need. God can work through our empathy to make us safe spaces for people with heavy burdens. And being a real touchy thermostat, who’s also grounded in hope in the Lord, means we can pick up on cues that others may overlook and have the opportunity to care for those who may be neglected.
Feeling all my feelings — and sometimes yours too — is my superpower. What’s yours? How has God used empathy (or whatever your superpower is) to help you love others well?
Thank you so much for this, Mary. I can identify with this. I do feel how others are feeling, and I need to watch that I don’t take their feelings on myself. When I deal with this carefully, together with my counselling and mentoring training and Holy Spirit’s guidance, I am able to use this gift. You have reminded me to watch my feelings and identify where they’re coming from, and to follow God’s leading. God bless you. Barbara
So smart to combine counseling, training, and the Spirit!
This certainly struck a cord. “Weep with those who weep”- that’s me! And I seem to be on the receiving end of people (those I know well, and those I barely know) sharing their most private thoughts and feelings. And it is tiring and hard letting some of it go. So I say say a prayer for them and for me. When I worked as a school counselor, the students would say “Miss Madeline is leaking again” because I would get all teary eyed. I used to think this was a weakness, but realize I am honored that others feel safe sharing their stories with me and that my tears, my facial expressions, body language and words show compassion and understanding and yes, empathy.
I “leak” a lot too, and yes, you’re right. Though it feels uncomfortable, it shows others how deeply we care and helps them feel cared for!
Mary, what a special gift you have! My friend Sherry had that gift. I was going through a really bad time when we met. Her ability to laugh with me in the good moments and walk along side me in the bad is the one thing that gave me a reason to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. You may never know the impact you have on someone’s life but they will and will always be grateful that God provided you for them.
Donna, I’m so glad you had your friend, Sherry, during that hard season. What a gift!
I’m having breakfast with tears i my eyes. Thank you for sharing you put that so well. I’ve not had a lot of experience with another empathy! I will look at my super power in a whole new light! Thank you! I’m
That’s right. We’re totally superpowered! 🙂
As a fellow empath, I love this post, Mary! I also resonate deeply with coming to a more compassionate place towards ourselves, when we’re often so good at extending that grace towards others. Working on it 🙂
Heather, you hit that right on the nose—we must be as kind and caring to ourselves as we are to others! I’m still learning too.
Wow, Mary I learned a new word”empath”! I feel better about my waterworks’s! From watching Timmy burying Lassie’s toys In “Lassie come home” as a child to more serious avenues: 9/11, Katrina, Ukraine, or the anger or hurt in others has always opened my emotions raw! But you know I find when my heart is open with emotions I can feel God’s present and grace more deeply. Psalm 56:8 “You keep track of all my sorrows. You collected all my tears in your bottles. You have recorded each one in your book.” NLB Thank you for sharing! I feel this is a precious gift God has given us in a world that seems to lack empathy for our fellow beings! Bless you!
Sharon, I love that you feel God’s presence more deeply in moments when you allow your heart to be open. What a gift!
Reading this, Mary, makes me wonder if I share this “condition” with you. I have been drawn to helping people I don’t know. Once I shopped for, and delivered, baby gifts for a young pregnant McDonald’s worker. She seemed stressed and unhappy. Another time, I bought a bottle of water for a shop girl, who complained of having no time to quench her thirst. Are these symptoms, do you suppose? Anyway, I try to go with my gut, if I have the opportunity to help. Thank you for giving insight into this issue.
Whatever it’s called, Irene, I think sensing others’ needs and feeling compelled to help (and then actually doing it) is a lovely gift from God. 🙂
Thank you for this very encouraging word. As an empath, who struggles with leaking at inappropriate times, I believe it is also a gift of intercession. I can stand in the gap and tell our loving Father exactly how much the person hurts.
Emma, I love this perspective. Thank you.
Good morning Mary and thank you for this beautiful piece today. Both myself and my daughter are emotionally wired. We are silly, immature and “touchy thermostats”. Our empathy can go off the charts especially to strangers. We are however, both married to men that are not so emotionally wired. Not to say they are not kind, loving and giving….just not so much to people they don’t know. So sometimes I think we can both experience that feeling of shame because of that perception of “spinning out of control” with empathy. Luckily it doesn’t last to long and we are reminded to be as God made us…and YES empathy and silliness is our super power!
Thank you \0/
Janet, I can relate to being married to someone who doesn’t feel things the same way. It can be hard when you feel misunderstood or mis-labeled. But we can stand firm in knowing that God made us this way on purpose, and He looks at us and all our big emotions and says, “It is very good.”
I have felt that same guilt over the thermostat vs thermometer business. So I appreciated your post! Not easy to feel all the feelings sometimes. I know I’m not as emotional as some but much more so than many. It’s hard to know how to handle emotions in a godly way at times. Thank you for writing this for those of us who feel your struggle!
I’m so glad this was encouraging to you, Pearl! Thank you for being here at incourage! 🙂
Mary, I SO relate to this. I can easily get on “empathy overload” which triggers my anxiety. Because of that, I used to see it as a weakness too. But my therapist assured me that my empathy is a GIFT not a liability. I just need to learn how to process, hold, and release those emotions when they get too much for me. But you’re so right! The world needs more empathy! It’s what makes good listeners and compassionate responders! I’m pretty sure Jesus was an empath too. 🙂
Ooof, I know what you mean about overload. I guess this is just one more way God gently and generously keeps us reliant on Him!
“Being perceptive and responsive can allow us to connect deeply with people and quickly desire to help when they’re in need.” AMEN to that, Mary! What a super-power indeed, to truly understand what a sister is going through and then offer just-right encouragement and helpful advice as well! Praise God for the empaths among us!
Thank you for your kind words, Nancy! I’m glad you’re here.
Thank you Mary, for sharing this and helping me to feel less “ashamed” and less worried about my emotions! It is extremely hard being an empath a lot of the time!!!! The heaviness of the emotions we can feel at times are overwhelming. I have tho learned to “listen” to the times and hours when God places someone in my mind and on my heart — and to respond to that message. Most all of the time that person needs someone to listen or just to reach out! Thank you Mary!
I’m so glad this was an encouragement to you, Jewell. You’re right – it can be hard, but God will honor our decision to pay attention to His prompts!
Thank you, Mary!
The strange thing for me, as an empath, is that I can easily feel other’s emotions, but I have a really hard time feeling and expressing my own.
I wonder if anyone else has knows this feeling?
Dawn, this makes a lot of sense to me. If we’re weighed down by many other people’s emotions, our own might get buried and be harder to access.
Oh my goodness! I have always felt emotions strongly and have been told that I am just overly sensitive. Everything you were saying about feeling deeply, even the feelings of others, describes me as well. I have been told, even by church people, that it is ok to be sensitive, but ” don’t camp there. ” I cry sometimes for being sad, but sometimes because I am so joyful for the experience of others. I am so glad that you wrote this and shared it! I am so relieved that there are other people who are like me and that there is biblical backup.
Tracy, I don’t believe it’s wrong to feel deeply. Not at all. And as Becky commented up above, Jesus—our ultimate role model, right?—felt deeply. You are made wonderfully, big emotions and all.
I can so relate with this! Several years ago I began to embrace my high sensitivity when I read Elaine Aron’s “The Highly Sensitive Person,” and it has been a lovely journey to see it from God’s perspective as well. I really appreciate the verses you’ve shared in this article. Also, thank you for being so vulnerable! You are a blessing!
Thank you for your kind words, Cynthia. And yes, that book is a great one!
Mary, I resonated with this as an empath who recently found out that others are not the same as me. Or feel like me. The movie story was a good reminder that I can help others see the delight and awe in things.
Mary,
I’m an empath also. I am super emotional. Heck TV shows or songs can get me crying. Like you my hubby isn’t all that emotional although there are times you can catch him crying. My co workers know that I’m a Christian & the other day I had a male RN ask me to pray for him taking his NP exams Friday(10th)-I don’t think he is a Christian. Thursday (9th) I was in break room with other co workers. Over heard two of them talking about possibly getting divorced. They weren’t sure what to do. All I can & have done is pray for them. Asking God to give them wisdom.
As ICU clerical at a large hospital I get excited when patients do well. I cheer them on when they go from bed to chair. Thursday one patient had her 90th birthday so I made a little card for her & sang to her. My way of trying to spread God’s light & love to this sin darkened world. Go empaths. Don’t fret the unique you that God created.
Blessings 🙂
Thank you Mary, I too have been called “over emotional and a big cry baby” pretty much my whole life…
I have come to look up on my sensitivity as a God given emotion and have been able to use this as a way to be there for friends and be an encouragement. I think the Lord put all these empathetic feelings in my heart because He knew that I would endure many losses in my lifetime – I can be a voice to help others hold on to Hope. Thank you Lord for your faithfulness to me !!
I love everything you write Mary and this one touch home for me. I was recently looking the word empathy up in the bible as I was wondering myself how God feels about empathy. I have a friend struggling and being an empath myself I felt that I was feeling her pain and sadness more then she even was and I was going over the top to try and help her. I reached out to God to help slow my emotions down because I thought maybe this was not what he would want me to be doing in this moment. I was a bit stuck with this then your article showed up in my inbox and I held on to it for a while and just read it today. So I could be fully invested reading it. Thank you for this and all the verses that lead us to understand this is what God wants for us.