Shelves and screws and seemingly random pieces of what would eventually become a wooden cabinet covered the living room floor. It was somewhere around step thirty-one that I knew without a doubt: This was a two-person job. Four hands were needed to ensure the boards would be flush against one another, held securely while dozens of nails were carefully hammered into place.
The half-built cabinet sat in the middle of the room for a few days, waiting for a window of time when both my roommate and I could work on it together. A day or two before our schedules aligned, a close friend called to ask a question that momentarily took my breath away.
“This is kind of awkward,” she stammered, “but I have several single friends that I want to love well and I’m just not sure how to do that. I’m worried that if I ask questions related to singleness, I’ll make them feel sad or I’ll say the wrong thing, so I usually don’t ask anything. But I’m realizing that might seem like I don’t even care. And I really do care. How can I love you and other single people well?”
I froze in place for a moment, touched by her kindness. Until that afternoon, I had never been asked that question by a married friend. What she thought might be awkward was incredibly appreciated. I didn’t feel sad; I felt seen.
I paused and then slowly said, “You know how you think of your husband and kids in one hundred small ways throughout the day? Well, regular life reminds me that it’s just me. Not always in a sad or lonely way, but just . . . practically. This morning I wanted a hug, but no one is here. I’ve had a migraine for three days and for a moment wished there was someone to take care of me, or even just help make dinner. I heated leftovers, which is the norm because most recipes aren’t made for one. I walked by the half-built cabinet and wondered how I’d lift/drag/push it against the wall on my own. Each of these were here and then gone, not sad — just the reality of this particular day. I share because I want you to know: Life will remind me that I’m single; you reaching out reminds me I’m not alone.“
I walked back into the living room, phone in my hand as I dodged the random bits and pieces still piled on the floor. We talked a little while longer, thoughtfully asking and honestly answering questions that helped build an even stronger friendship.
A few days later, I snapped a photo right before securing the last two shelves. Our conversation was still fresh on my mind, and I decided to share part of it on Instagram, along with a handful of questions to ask your single friends when you want to love them well but aren’t sure what to say. In over a decade of writing online, it’s my most-saved post. I’m blinking back tears just staring at that sentence because to me, it means precisely one thing: We really and truly care about one another. We may not know what to say, when to say it, or how to best show up for our friends, but our hearts are for one another.
Sometimes it seems like we’re more divided than ever before, but perhaps most of our thoughtful conversations and gently asked questions are spoken in person. After all, the good, hard, beautiful, generous, and kind work of reaching out, listening, and showing up for people often happens away from the screen. It’s a bit quieter, and sometimes it’s uncomfortable and messy, but I see it in hands building a cabinet together, in women saving a list of questions because they want to love their single friends well, in a phone call from a friend who chose to reach out, opening the door to a conversation that brought us closer together.
Being for each other might just be the best gift we can give one another.
At the end of the day — whether happily single, desiring marriage, dating, widowed, divorced, married, or engaged — it’s true of every single one of us: We all just want to be seen, known, wanted and loved.
Months have passed, seasons have changed, and we’ve talked about one thousand other things since. But this morning I walked by the vase of Valentine’s Day flowers I bought myself, the pop of color and life sitting atop the cabinet, and I smiled. Because while it’s true that being single can be incredibly lonely at times, the cabinet is still standing, built with two sets of hands, a reminder that even when it’s just me, I’m not truly alone.
“Better together” is a catchy phrase, a cheesy cliché, and a popular hashtag. But it’s also the truth. From the very beginning of time, the Three-in-One has shown us that community matters. May we live and love like it’s true.
P.S. Dear married friends, all those things you think aren’t a big deal — the invitation to come over for family dinner, the Christmas card in the mail, the random “Just thinking of you!” text — they matter more than you’ll ever know. Your kind questions, your genuine care, and most of all your friendship mean the actual world. Thank you!
Leave a Comment
Ruth Mills says
“We all just want to be seen, known, wanted & loved” indeed! What a gift that while Jesus meets each & every one of those desires He also uses others to do it. Thank you The 3 in 1!!!
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Yes! Such a gift.
Elizabeth (Betsy) Hall says
What you said is so very true!!! If we are alone for whatever reason, the smallest thing anyone does can change our whole day.
We, of course, are never really alone because we have God–yes the 3 in one God head. That is a wondrous thing!!! Often in my quite time in the mornings, I tell God I need to feel you — physically. There have been times that I have felt “hands” on my shoulders when I have felt I just could not face the day; not because i am alone, but because I have a chronic disease that takes all the strength I have to keep it stable. God knows all this and He is so merciful and good. Yes, we need other people in our lives that love and care for us. I have been very blessed with wonderful Christian friends and a Church that live out its mission!!!
Lyn says
Thank you for mentioning the phrase’ I felt hands on my shoulders’. This is so comforting and we all need that comfort and support at times. Beautifully said
Madeline says
YES Kaitlyn!!! Young or old and whatever the circumstances that brought us to being in the situation, it is so important to reach out. Finding myself a widow after 40 years of marriage was shocking at first but I was embraced by other widows at my church (both those widowed a long time and a couple not so long) and it was my saving grace. We need to know others are there and a call or a text does so much for me. I now do daily check in calls or text with some of my neighbors. We are seen!
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
What a beautiful picture… that community has been your saving grace. I’m glad to hear you have a group surrounding you, and friends you can support as well!
Kathy Cheek says
Both of our daughters were married in their early thirties and something that helped them a lot in their single years was they both had mentors in their church. An older lady or couple that stayed in touch with them, met them for coffee or went out to eat, and made themselves available. That meant a lot to them. And, they stayed active with friends and family.
I remember one of them reminding me to pray for her desire to get married, and she said, “Mom, are you still praying for me and getting married if it’s God’s will?” and I told her I was. She said, “Would you kick that up a notch?” We laughed and I said I would.
Not long after that she said, “I’ve got my eye on someone. Keep praying!” Two months later she asked him for coffee. Then, he asked her for a date. They are married now. They were married the week covid put us in lockdown. They didn’t get to have their big wedding or reception. They didn’t get to go on the honeymoon they planned. They both ended up working at home, so they went from being two single people in separate apartments to being married, at home, and together 24/7. But very happy and thankful God had brought them together.
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
That’s so wonderful that they had women who mentored them, chose to be intentional, and continued to show up/send an invite. That makes such a difference!
Irene says
This is really good, Kaitlyn! (And your spelling for Kaitlyn is my favorite!) Remembering to include single friends is important for sure. I will reach out to more of mine more often. Because of you.
Becky Keife says
Kaitlyn, we are all better because you’re here. Thank you for your tender honesty and encouragement. Yes. We all just want to be seen. May we each find a way to intentionally do that for another today.
K K says
Single until 38, I affirm your words. Sweet married friends who included me in their daily lives—dinners, kids bday parties, Saturday errands…they were such a gift. They modeled what “real life marriage looked like—the good and the really hard. And my would-be husband had to pass inspection by my best friend AND her husband!!
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
Love that! 🙂
Beth Williams says
Kaitlyn,
God has a lot to say about being there for each other. Genesis 2:18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” Ecclesiastes 4:9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. God purposely made us for community. He expects us to be there for one another. We can love single people the same way we do others. Simply call, text or email them a note saying “hey just thinking about you.” “How are you doing?” “Want to grab coffee/tea?” My pastor’s wife has a good example. When holidays come she invites all the single or those by themselves that day to her house for pot luck dinner. It is a good way to be with others & share life. It is just about making them feel seen & loved.
Blessings 🙂
Dawn Thomas says
I am an aged widow,and yes at times I do feel lonely, and would enjoy someone calling me. But then it gives me a chance to ring up someone else who is possibly feeling lonely, and cheer both up at the same time.
Sophia says
As someone who is single and not necessarily happy about it, this article spoke to me very personally.
I’ve had friends drift away due to major changes in their life circumstances, like marriage, kids etc. And it can be quite painful. The only person who is a part of my daily routine is me. Sometimes I enjoy this, but other times it can feel quite lonely.
Nevertheless, I’m using this season to develop a deeper relationship with God. He may not be a voice that I can physically hear or a shoulder that I can physically lean on. But He’s THERE. It really is as simple as that.
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
I hear the faith, as well as the hurt and loneliness, in your comment, and am praying for you by name today Sophia.
Cynthia says
This is beautiful! Thank you! As a single person, I appreciate being seen as I am. I love God, but God does not help with cabinets, fixing my car, helping with bills or housework. I would love to share my love and life with someone who needs me too. It’s not helpful to be told to simply put God first. That actually hurts more than helps. I love myself and I love God but the reality is that life is harder alone. God created us for partnership and love and family.
I will remember this!
Kaitlyn Bouchillon says
I for one am glad you’re here at (in)courage, Cynthia! 🙂