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At the end of the first week of January, I posted a question in my Instagram stories: How would you rate your past week from 1-10? I was not prepared for the answers. Many had middle to low numbers. There were a lot of 4s and 3s. But there were also a lot of negative numbers. One person said -10, another -2,000. I had more than one person write, Whatever the worst possible number is — that’s how I’m doing.
I sat with those responses for a long time, chatting with the folks who had answered and getting to know more of how they were doing. What stood out to me were the layers of struggle that so many people are navigating right now: people’s stress from the continued pandemic is higher than ever; many of us have family members who have contracted COVID (some of us have been hit personally by the virus); we’re fatigued from work, even burned out; friendships have been torn apart by different views on politics and race; young moms feel isolated in their homes, unable to go anywhere because they have unvaccinated littles; ministry leaders have decision fatigue, unsure of whether to continue meeting in person or online and how to shepherd folks well in a time when almost nothing feels stable. The list goes on and on.
There were so many responses to my question, and it made it clear to me that not only are we all struggling in different ways right now, we also want to feel seen and be heard. We long to be asked, “How are you doing?”
People I didn’t even know were drawn to my simple question, and they wanted to share their life story with me. It’s a human need to be seen, especially when we’re hurting. Many of us need someone to talk to right now. We need a hug, a shoulder to cry on, a community to make the loneliness more bearable. We need friends to tell us “It’s okay to not be okay” right now. No quick fixes. No pithy advice. Just co-sufferers, who help us keep putting one foot in front of the other and tell us we’re going to make it.
God created us as humans with a basic need to live in community and to carry each other’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). In fact, Scripture specifically challenges us to “encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11). These are difficult challenges even in the best of times, let alone during a pandemic. We’re all hurting right now. Nothing feels normal. Our mental, physical, and spiritual health have all been hit. We’re tired. Many of us are unhappy. It’s hard to care for others when we are hurting ourselves. Yet the beauty of the body of Christ is that we were created to care for each other, even in the midst of our own pains, and in doing so, make each other’s burdens feel lighter.
I wonder how this year might look different if we gave more attention to asking each other, “How are you doing?” This question could look different from one person to the next. In many Asian cultures it sounds more like, “Have you eaten yet?” It could be a text message that states, “I’m thinking about you today. Do you need anything?” Or as others have recommended, maybe we can ask each other, “How are you coping?” or “What’s been on your mind lately?” instead. Living in a pandemic, we can assume we’re all not doing that great. The focus is more on how we’re handling the stresses, where we’re struggling, and the pockets where we’re finding resilience.
There is spiritual weight to asking each other, “How are you?” Checking in with a friend, a neighbor, or family member tells that person they belong, that their personhood and experiences matter, so let’s check in with each other! Be spontaneous and call up (or text) a friend today. Be intentional and set up a rhythm in your Google calendar for whom you will check in with and when. As you reach out to folks, be willing to be vulnerable back. The more transparent we are of how we’re doing, the more we create a safe space for others to share what’s going on with them.
2022 will probably be just as hard as 2021. But we can help lighten each other’s burdens by encouraging and building each other up. We don’t have to journey through another year alone. Who knows how the simple act of reaching out to someone and asking, “How are you?” may just be how God will show up in our lives to give us His joy and strength to keep on keeping on.
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Tune in today to a bonus episode of the (in)courage podcast! (in)courage friends Mary Carver, Grace P. Cho, and Anna E. Rendell discuss their new devotional Empowered: More of Him for All of You. Don’t miss this conversation — listen today!
Leave a Comment
Ruth Mills says
I have found 2 tools that have helped keep me connect to my circle through the lockdowns. 1) I text What’s on ur heart today? Biggest concern? Greatest anticipated joy? 2) I then respond with a texted prayer specific to the burdens & joy(s) expressed.
I’ve come to see that “How are you?” Is NOT a greeting phrase, but a commitment to action. If I ask I’m invested to listen, pray & encourage. It also opens the door to share Jesus with fellow believers & non-believers alike.
Thanks for your post to spur us to action! Bless you richly!
Michelle Reyes says
Hi Ruth! Thanks for sharing these questions! I love the focused questions about concerns and joys. Sometimes my husband and I ask folks, “What were the thorns of your week? What were the roses of your week?” Similar idea. These kinds of questions really do open all kinds of doors and allows us to go deeper in our conversations with folks and, ultimately, as you mentioned, offers opportunities for us to point each other to Jesus in the highs and lows of our lives.
Gail Mattox says
I would a copy of your Bible book which coming out on February 15, Enpowered, the only thing I am senior citizen and can’t pay it. Gail Mattox, 2200 Kerwin Rd. #411, University Heights, OH 44118
Becky Keife says
Hi Gail! We’re so glad you’re part of our (in)courage community! Praying you have a wonderful day. Keep an eye out for more opportunities to win a copy of Empowered!
Amy says
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 KJV
Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.
Michelle Reyes says
Thanks for sharing this Bible verse, Amy! It’s a good one.
Elizabeth (Betsy) Hall says
Very well said. We can’t control the circumstances that the pandemic has put on us. we can pray about what the Lord would have us to do. I am chronically ill–home bound before the pandemic hit!! My church is very good to reach out to me. During the pandemic at its height, I found that I was the one doing the reaching out and it began a pray ministry for me. That has really helped me through the rough days and nights. God is good. If you want to know the why’s and wherefore’s, you just need to go to Him. You may not get the answer you are looking for, but He will give you what you need to cope and get through each day.
At the end of each day, if the house is still standing, and the kids are clothed and fed and no one is injured–your day has been a success—-my mom sent this to me years ago. I had been diagnosed with Lupus and had 2 young boys and their dad and I had to divorce. It was incredibly hard. This quote is from Ann Lander’s—many of you may not remember her–she wrote an amazing advice column in most daily newspapers. In today’s society we as women and mothers and wives have set the bar so high, that we can’t seem to function any other way but top speed. Take a deep breath and talk with your Heavenly Father. He will encourage you like no other!!! Yes, I do know depression. Thank God He is there for that, too.
Donna Burttschell says
I suffer with seasons of depression and anxiety. I’m in one of those seasons now and has lasted the longest,….8 months. I would very much appreciate your prayers. Thank you very much!
Michelle Reyes says
Hi Donna, I’m so sorry. You are loved. God loves you. You are not alone. Lord, in your mercy, comfort Donna with your presence and give her your peace that surpasses all understanding. May you bless her with all of your heavenly blessings. Bring godly men and women to her side, to live life with her, break bread, and encourage her in her hour of need. Donna, I’m glad to popped on this article and commented. I am so glad you are part of the incourage community!
Michelle Reyes says
Hi Betsy, thank you so much for sharing a part of your story. You truly encouraged me today. Thank you for the reminder to slow down and to be grateful for the little things. God is good, in our good times and hard times. He gives us what we need to make it through each day, and this often includes the fellowship of believers to encourage and edify us!
Irene says
This is so lovely, Michelle! Instead of waiting for my friends to check in on me, I’m going to check in on some other friends, who may need it.
Michelle Reyes says
That’s such a good word, Irene! Instead of waiting for our friends to check in on us, let’s check in on them! I think we’re all hurting in different ways right now. We need each other now more than ever.
ELMorehead says
“How are you?” has become a Greeting, to the world.
Many decades ago, I would respond to the people in Church, who asked that: “Do you really want to know?”! It repelled some people, because they only wanted to hear me to superficially say, “Fine”. But some people stopped & really engaged in a deeper conversation with me.
I like your variations on the “How are you?”. I’ll try using them, in the future. Thank you.
Michelle Reyes says
Hi El, I hear you. I’m sorry you had those experiences. I’ve been in similar situations myself. We need to not only reach out to folks but commit to deep listening and engagement. Absolutely!
Donna Burttschell says
I have suffered with depression and anxiety for the past 8 months. God has always brought me thru these bouts, but this one has been the longest. I would be so grateful for prayer. My husband and I are in our mid 70s and having my 41 year old stepdaughter and our 14 year old grandson living with us who are dependent on us is very hard. We live on our limited social security. I would appreciate your prayers. Thank you so much and God’s blessings to you all.
Melody Bollinger says
Dear Donna ~ I saw your reply on Michelle’s beautiful post and my heart immediately went out to you. You surely have a lot to deal with and I can understand the heaviness you are carrying along with your husband. So, I’m going to hold you in prayer just as soon as I finish this message. May God reach out to you in ways that you can feel His near Presence and may He envelop you with His divine hope. Sending love on the wings of prayer sweet sister.
Beth Williams says
Donna,
Abba Father,
Today I lift up Donna Burttschell. She has been suffering with depression & anxiety for 8 long months. You alone are the healer. Please help ease her pain & suffering. Give her the peace that surpasses all understanding. Please help & guide them as they have her step daughter & grandson living with them. Take away some of the stressors. Guide & direct their steps. Just comfort her & the family. Shower them all with your love & grace. AMEN!
((((((((Hugs))))))))
Melody Bollinger says
Michelle, I found your great post so well written and conveying timely needed encouragement for how we can care for each other. Thank you for sharing your insightful gift with us!!
Michelle Reyes says
Thank you, Melody! It’s such a simple question, but asking “How are you?” can truly show a deep care to the people in our lives.
Carol Brown says
This is a wonderful column. For many people the question “how are you” is rhetorical and we don’t really want to hear and many of us respond ” fine”. Having the courage with God’s help, to ask that question and really listen to the response is so loving. Thanks for sharing.
Michelle Reyes says
That’s a great word, Carol! We need to ask the question and truly commit to hearing and caring what the other person has to say. Listening deeply is an art and deep expression of love.
Cici says
I rarely ever comment when I read posts here but this post spoke to me since everyone around me is walking through challenge after challenge – I am trying to figure out how to help others even while my own heart is broken in pieces. I don’t know how. I was sexually assaulted by a Christian. It changed me forever. I will never be the same.
Carol Louise Gonzalez says
Cici I hope you reported the assault to the police and that you have/are receiving the counseling you need to get through this. I also hope God will open the person’s heart to make them realize they did a hurtful act and to accept responsibility for it.
Beth Williams says
Michelle,
Life has been hard these past few years. With all that’s going on & the fast pace of life no one really takes time for deep conversations. God has given me the gift of encouragement. Working in a hospital-(Covid unit clerical) I take 1 Thessalonians 5:11 “encourage one another and build each other up” to heart. You will often hear me say thank you or job well done to others-especially EVS (cleaning), dietary, & central supply. I want them to feel like their job matters & they are seen by someone. I also want them to know that someone cares about them. They don’t have to do another year alone.
Blessings 🙂
Carol Louise Gonzalez says
I believe we will all have to adjust to a new normal for ourselves; in my case it is that I have been and will continue to do my elderly Mom’s grocery shopping for her. I also firmly believe that the things that need to be done will get done…maybe just not on our usual schedule (like keeping our homes dusted, etc.). I have definitely had times when I have been extremely frustrated but life goes on and God is still God and only He knows what life will look like when the Pandemic is over.