A loud laugh escapes my mouth, and I’m surprised by its unfamiliarity. It lifts and relaxes my body and spirit in a way I didn’t realize I needed. My son’s joke is unexpected in its wittiness and timing, and his face radiates delight over making me laugh so hard. I pull him in close and plant one too many kisses on his cheek, thankful for his sweet love and humor. When the pandemic first began, our days were filled with anxiety and fear, grief and the constant tension of being in each other’s space. We longed for time alone while wanting to hold each other close and never let go. We all felt the precariousness of life, especially him.
And still, somehow, this baby of mine has become a big kid before my own eyes. He understands how to meet others in their sadness, tender to their ache. He knows that being silly can brighten a moment, even if it can’t change the mood for long. He is quick to give hugs, full of energy I often can’t handle, and he reminds me there is hope for good, for joy.
And I need to know that joy is not only possible but that it can abound even now. For months, depression has hung around like a smoky haze during wildfire season. It’s kept me lethargic and unmotivated, struggling to create and keep up with deadlines. Just when I think it’s subsided and I have energy like that of my son’s, the sparks fizzle into nothing, and I’m back to the sluggish pace I wish to escape.
I manage to get done what I need to. I cook dinner and play games with my family. I work and decorate the house for birthdays and the holiday season. I know how to function in survival mode even when I’m not well because I’ve done it so much in my life. I can live life on auto-pilot, and no one would know I’m struggling — not even me.
But laughter breaks me from the trance of survival. It makes me pause to be fully present in the moment with my son and to see that I live in the land of the living right now. It reminds me of how precious life is even while the world burns. Growth has not stopped. Death has not taken everything from us. And we are still living.
And living for me right now — and all the time — looks like paying attention and being curious. When unrelenting knots form in my neck the weekend of my wedding anniversary, I pay attention and recognize what a difficult year of healing it has been. I voice my pain and care for myself with kindness. When my son is grumpy and crumbles into tantrums, I offer hugs instead of lectures knowing he feels left out from his sister needing space. When the din of social media and the news becomes louder than my soul can handle, I step away and look for glimpses of the divine.
I look for what will give me life so I can keep going. I ask myself what I need and get help where I can. Sometimes it looks like a video call with my therapist after being triggered by current events. It can look like napping when sleep was elusive the night before. It can be attending church service even when I don’t think I can handle small talk right now. And sometimes it’s as simple as sending a funny meme to a friend because I know she’d find it hilarious. We laugh together over text and agree that internet comedy is one of the many things we’re grateful for these days.
Jeremiah 29:13 says, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
Even when injustices don’t get rectified, when the healing we fervently prayed for doesn’t happen, when evil prospers, if we seek Him, we will find Him. Laughter reminds me that God is here in the complicated mess. It gives me a glimpse of the divine. And this is what I see: He is God of justice, God of comfort, God of miracles, God of joy.
Last week I was texted urgent prayer requests for a hearing over land a small church is fighting, a friend’s brother being rushed to the ER after being hit my a car, a complicated surgery to separate conjoined twins, seriously hurt feelings between brothers & sisters & then the call came that my dad-in-law was on his way to the ER after falling out of bed & spending hours trying to reach his phone for help. So many needs, way too heavy to carry on my own. BUT GOD. But God invited us/me to pray trusting the Hearer of my pleas to attend each one. It is a joy to boldly approach God for others’ & my own needs & wants. And even better knowing He will only give what is best. No good enough & it’ll do but what is best!
So many things, Ruth! Yes, God is there in the midst of each one, and your prayers are not in vain.
Many times it’s the little things that the Holy Spirit drops into our hearts that bring joy— a clear starry night, a phone call from my children, and the assurance that God is always right here, holding my hand. And old gospel songs— singing about heaven and Gods faithfulness always plants joy deep in my heart!
I love that, Judy!
Amen, Amen, Amen.
Thank you Grace for sharing! Big hugs to you and your precious family!
Thanks, Bomi!
This post speaks to my heart. It’s right where I’m at. Thank you for sharing the hope and joy that is in Jesus. Seeking Him more diligently is the only way to experience joy in difficult times.
Thank you!
Yes, He is there when we look for Him!
You know what. Joy is a beautiful word. When we in our lives face so much. Some people more than others. It could be loos of Job being told your not well. Money worries. The list goes on. It reminds of that scripture verse. I can’t remember we’re it is in the Bible. “The Joy Of The Lord Is My Strength” How true that is for all us especially if we are saved. Going through a hard time. God’s Joy is there. He gives us the strength to be able to cope. Joy and strength to go on. No matter how hard it is. What we are going through. We just need to give it to God in prayer. Try to keep smiling. Yes that can be hard. Like the kids song “I got the Joy Joy Joy of the Lord down in my heart. Where down heart down in my heart to stay” how true that kids song is for us as Adults too. You get it on YouTube. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little xx in my prayers all incourage.
Thanks, Dawn! I hope you find bits of joy wherever you are and in whatever you do!
” I can live life on auto-pilot, and no one would know I’m struggling — not even me.
But laughter breaks me from the trance of survival.”
Yes. All of this. Thank you for putting words to your tender and hard and hope-filled experience which so many of us hear echoes of our own reality in. Love you, friend. Grateful for you.
Thanks, Becky!
Praise God he IS here in the complicated mess that is our world–with his comfort, joy, and more. I can’t imagine dealing with the mess without him!
Same here!
Grace,
Thanks for writing this. Many people will benefit from your words of wisdom. These days life is harder than ever. Not only do we have to continue our busy daily routines-we must contend with a pandemic that isn’t going away soon. This makes our lives harder. Most of us are isolating at home again & perhaps not able to do church in person anymore. That makes for more stress-especially during the holidays. Some things to help alleviate stress include counting your blessings-see how God has blessed you & gotten you through trials before. Exercise of any kind & taking warm baths or showers can help also. The best & most important thing we can do is seek Jesus. Cry out to Abba Father & Him of your struggles. He knows your needs & has great plans to prosper you. During this trying time seek God with ALL your heart, mind & soul.
Blessings 🙂
Taking a hot shower is at the top of my list too! We’ve only got Him in the midst of our continuous trials!
Joy ! Some days I struggle to find it as like you said the last couple years have been rough. Just losing my mom end of September has left me lost . However, my God never ceases to show His love and show me hope in sometimes little doses and sometimes a big serving through out the year. For that I am grateful! The things that bring me joy is the peace of Christ , watching my grandchildren faces and their excitement about life! Sharing hope with someone who has lost a child, just being an ear ! Being ready and open to see how God can use me in the New Year to glorify His name!