I closed my eyes and gently pressed two fingers on my eyelid to stop it from twitching.
Christmas was getting closer, and my brain would not stop reminding me of all I needed to do, gifts I needed to buy, plans, and decisions I needed to make. Then there was laundry to wash, groceries to buy, appointments to schedule, calls to return, and my daughter’s birthday party to plan.
Why doesn’t everything just do itself this time of the year so I can handle the extra stuff that comes with the holidays? I wondered.
As I walked around my house in what felt like circles, trying to make progress, my chest started tightening, and my head started aching. I thought about all the times I had resented December and dreaded Christmas. I didn’t want that to happen again, and I knew I was the only person who could stop it. So I sat down and made a list of my nonstop thoughts, ideas, desires, along with our family’s Christmas traditions and expectations I assumed others had of me. I looked at the list and took a deep breath — no wonder I was overwhelmed and eye-twitchy.
But what happened next caught me by surprise. An idea I’d never had before popped into my thoughts: You don’t have to do it all.
And, of course, I questioned it. How can I not do all of these things? I’ve always done them!
But then, another thought came to me: You don’t have to do what you’ve always done. You could just do what matters most to you and the ones you love.
It sounded like something someone older and wiser would say, and I knew it was not my own thoughts, but God’s heart whispering to mine. His grace-filled perspective began to shift something in me. I didn’t have to do it all. I was an adult, and I had a choice in the matter.
Now, I’m sure this would be an obvious option to some people. For me, it was the first time I’d even considered changing how our family celebrated Christmas and possibly eliminating some of our traditions. But when a sense of relief washed over my soul and calm came in my chest, I knew it was wisdom my heart desperately needed to hear.
That year, I made another list of traditions that mattered most to me. And I sat down with my husband, J.J., and our kids to find out what mattered most to them. I put up fewer Christmas decorations, cut back on the most time-consuming and stressful traditions, bought teachers gift cards instead of gifts, and did almost all of my shopping online.
I also took J.J.’s advice and gave our sons and their wives each a tradition to plan so I wasn’t the only one in charge of food, games, and activities. It’s a glorious thing when your kids become young adults. (Just hold on, mamas of young kids, your time is coming!)
December is a lot. And the past two years have compounded the weight of concerns we carry and loads we bear. But it’s not only during the holidays that we fall into a mindset of believing we have to do it all. Every season of the year and every stage of life comes with expectations, obligations, and preparations that can leave us frazzled and disconnected from what matters most.
When that disconnect starts happening, it’s important for us to remember that God wants us to ask Him for help. He promised in Hebrews 13:5-6, “‘Never will I leave you. . .’ So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper.'”
We can’t do this on our own. We need God’s wisdom to discern what to let go of and His courage to actually let go of some things and leave room to enjoy what matters most. We need His strength to accomplish the tasks on our list and His direction to know what to delegate and what to eliminate.
We also need to get better at saying no more often — at Christmas and throughout the year. This is a hard one for me because I want to be there for people, I don’t want to disappoint anyone, and for some reason I think I should be able to be and do it all.
The truth is, no one can be and do it all. We are going to disappoint someone. But we won’t be as likely to disappoint the ones who matter most — and ourselves — if we say more nos and save up more yeses.
And on those days when we feel completely overwhelmed, let’s remember something my friend and author Emily P. Freeman often recommends: “Let’s do the next right thing in love.”
Sometimes the next right thing will be to wash a load of laundry, make a grocery list, take a nap, spend time with someone we love, or get ready for work. Whatever it is, let’s focus on that one thing until it’s done, and then move on to our next right thing. And if all our next right things still feel like too much, let that be our signal that it is time to bow out of some commitments so we can come up with a load we can live with and love — one that eases all the eye twitches and chest pains, amen!
Sweet friend, Jesus doesn’t want or expect you to do it all. I pray you feel His permission and encouragement in the coming weeks as you remember this truth: You really don’t have to do it all — not at Christmas or at any other time of year.
Ruth Mills says
The plethora of extra activities are a pic of God’s lavishness toward us but He also calls us to “Be still & know that I am God”. Trying to balance those & pick the busy that shows us more of who God is & leave the rest alone. Helps keep the frazzle away & we enjoy the things we do engage in more fully. Thanks for your reinforcing this encouragement! Blessed Christmas to you!
Renee Swope says
You are so right Ruth, the “plethora of extra activities are a pic of God’s lavishness toward us.” I have never thought of it that way. And I love the idea of picking “the busy that shows us more of who God is & leaving the rest alone.” Thank you for sharing your thoughts and encouragement. We all need more of our sweet, calming Savior and less frantic, frazzled days this Christmas!
kimmieg says
Does anyone NOT need this? My brain is so overwhelmed right now. And I feel every bit of that anxiety.
Renee Swope says
Praying you feel Jesus’ gentle, calming hush over your anxiety Kim and are able to eliminate what stresses you most so you can enjoy what matters most this week and next. Merry Christmas!
Madeline says
I have decided with my daughter’s encouragement NOT TO BAKE! And, the menu for Christmas Eve and Day is so much easier especially since my daughter, her boyfriend and I are all doing the cooking. But I am 67 and it took this long to figure it out. I also limited the decorating. Years ago we streamlined the gift giving. I can actually say this year in spite of all that is going on in the world, I am actually happier and not resenting the holidays. So, a great message we probably need to hear every holiday season and beyond. Blessings this Christmas.
Renee Swope says
Madeline!! Congratulations on letting go of the baking and letting family help so that this Christmas can be more enjoyable for all, including you!! That is a big deal and not an easy decision when you’ve been doing something for years. I love that you are happier and not resenting the holidays (like we all have secretly done). Merry Christmas!
Terresa M says
This is powerful to me… as I’ve turned over holiday baking to my brother, who lives with us. I have asked my bonus daughter to be in charge of the family white elephant exchamge (I still need to find a couple of white elephants to participate) and as we are thinning down & decorating less this year, no travel to see family (they’re welcome to come to our home, but they don’t) … it all feels odd, but it’ll be okay… in my heart I’m cherishing each day in the here and now… Jesus is here and now…
Renee Swope says
Terresa, sweet sister I’m proud of you! Making these kinds of changes take courage and a willingness to disappoint people but it’s so much healthier for us and everyone else too. It does feel odd at times, but the peace and memories we get to enjoy make the awkward so worth it! Merry Christmas!
Ruby Lawhenore says
Thank you do very much for this . I have always felt like I had to do it all . Could not say no, cause if I did, I would make some one mad. So, what happened then is that I was the one getting upset. I am now working on saying NO more and not feeling guilty about it . Thank you again for this article .
Renee Swope says
I was right there with you, Ruby. Trying to make everyone happy and then feeling irritable, anxious and ready for it to be over by the time Christmas day came. It’s so much better this way and none of my people were mad or disappointed. Plus, I know Jesus was smiling and happy about the whole scaled back celebration which allowed us all to enjoy Him and each other more! Merry Christmas to you and yours!
Irene says
This is wonderful, Renee! Thank you!
Renee Swope says
I’m so glad it encouraged you Irene. I know I needed to be reminded of this, again this week, too. Merry Christmas.
Becky Keife says
So proud of you for listening to the Spirit’s prompting and reevaluating your traditions to figure out what was most important. It’s easy for me too to push down that anxious feeling and just try harder. This year I realized I was feeling overwhelmed by the thought of hosting tons of extended family so I asked my mom if we could do two smaller gatherings instead of one large one and for her to host one. She was happy with the idea and I felt so much calmer knowing I would be able to enjoy the time and be more present. God is so good to meet us right where we’re at and usher us into a place of peace.
Renee Swope says
I’m SO proud of you friend!! What a wise decision to plan two smaller gatherings and ask your mom to host one of them. I’m so glad you are feeling calm and anticipation instead of dread, knowing you will be able to enjoy the time and be more present. God is so good to meet us where we are and show us a different way. We just need to ask Him and wait for His lead. I’m working on asking Him sooner. 🙂 love you!
Beth Williams says
Renee,
Women like a big fancy Christmas with tons of decorations, huge meal & gifts for everyone. Trouble is they are the ones who must do all the work to make it happen. Often times they are the ones who don’t get to enjoy everyone’s company. They are like Biblical Martha worried about much-but forgetting what is most important. The only thing we need to do is celebrate the birth of Jesus. My hubby & I put up a small “Charlie Brown” Christmas tree with decorations & lights. For a few years I would help MIL cook dinner to help alleviate some pressure on her. I use Christmas cards I receive as decorations. That is it. This year both hubby & I will be working in hospitals. We feel those with children & families should get to stay home. We will have our Christmas meal on Christmas Eve & watch Charlie Brown Christmas.
Blessings 🙂