I am sitting in the same room that I sat in three months ago, looking at the same tile floor and empty, bare walls. I am waiting for that familiar knock at the door, waiting for the footsteps to follow, for the man in the mask to come and make his way into the room so that we can discuss my health, how my body hurts, and how to make me well.
He stares at his computer and traces his finger over black and white images on the screen and mumbles some things about the shape of the swell in my neck. And, for a moment, I am tracking and following his finger. For a moment, it feels like he is finding the right answers to satisfy my aching questions — until I realize that he is reciting the same words he said to me the last time I was in this room. The whole moment begins to feel like déjà vu — except it’s not déjà vu, and this isn’t all in my head because this is real and really happening, and the pain is all really in my body.
The pins and needles, the headaches, my blue-tipped nails, and the pounds packed onto my hips. The dry patches on my neck, the waves of nausea that come crashing in, and the chest pain — it’s real, not at all a figment of my imagination, not at all some dream that I am replaying in my head.
He tells me that the nodule on my thyroid is benign, and I tell him that was three months ago and that the thing has since grown, has since been compressing and constricting the space in my throat. Has since been hurting and felt unwholesome and heavy. I tell him it is time to do more because, benign or not, whatever the growth is, it’s not good.
I tell you this story that happened not even a week ago because I know I am not the only woman in the world that’s felt like the woman with the issue of blood (Mark 5:25-34). I know I’m not the only woman who’s tried everything, exhausted every option, and is at the end of the rope when it comes to her broken body.
I know I’m not the only woman that’s just desperate for some holy hand to touch her body and make her well again, not the only woman in the world that feels unnamed and unknown in a sea of crowded faces.
Maybe that is you today. Maybe that’s been you for many days.
But you are not just a woman, and you are not just any woman.
You are not a number in a crowd; you are a name in the Kingdom — and the King knows your narrative.
Our Jesus is not some doctor sitting at a desk, face turned, reading results off of an insentient screen. He is a Savior that sees your soul and knows your story of suffering.
He sees your health, and He saves your heart. He calls you close, and He calls you His own.
I do not know about the sickness that is swelling in your body right now. I do not know whether you’ve been walking this road for a thousand miles or if you’ve just set out, one weak and weary step at a time. I do not know if the pain is in your bones or in your blood, if the growth is in your skin or deep within, or if the disorder is in your heart or in your head. I do not know if you wake to swallow big, white pills, or if your only chance of survival comes through the thin of syringe needles pushed in unholy places. I do not know if you wear the wounds on your skin or if the illness is invisible, leaving you to fight hard-believed battles.
But this I know — that Jesus does not turn away the ones who turn toward Him. And however powerful the push and pull of the crowd — whether the pressure looks like shame and condemnation or simply their own selfishness to be the first to find and follow the famous Savior — it is you that He sees, you that His eyes will always turn to see.
He holds you in His sight, because breaking your anonymity is part of your healing.
He holds space to hear your heart, because affirming your need for confession is part of your healing.
He holds your heart for eternity, and it is for more reasons than just your healing.
It is about the Son and how He is wholly the only source of holistic hope — for sickness and suffering and sin — from now on through eternity.
Due to glaucoma I have lost some sight to the point that driving at night or in the rain is impossible. I chafe at the loss of independence. I didn’t expect to grow needy & dependent on others this early in life! But God! (2 best words) God provides friends to come alongside to be my driver when I need one. Serving Him as they serve me. Encouraging me so that I can be an encourager to others.
Dear Rachel,
Thank you for sharing your heart and the journey you are facing. Please know I am praying for your complete healing. and trusting and believing with you.
Our God is so very faithful. He’s the same yesterday, today and forever!
Forever He is faithful!
With heartfelt love, soft hugs and prayers, diana xo
Diana, thank you for those prayers. I appreciate them. Being able to share my story and confess here and also ushering healing into my heart in little ways. Gos is so good. Be blessed, sister.
It is so hard to have to rely on others, for so many different reasons. I hope that their love in your life works grace out in your heart and in theirs. It is an endless cycle of giving and loving—may you be filled by the faithfulness of your friends. And of God <33
You cannot even imagine how much this devo meant to me. All I can say is that I can completely relate. Thank you for your vulnerability and I ‘ m sorry for your pain. Just the other day I was thinking about how I have all these strong, energetic people in my life. sometimes it’s hard to be the week one❤️
Brings tears to my eyes to hear and know that this has hit your heart in all the ways you needed it to. It is so very hard to be weak. May you be reminded, today, that you are seen and so very loved from our God on high…who is also in the here in now, too <33
I’m weeping (yes, weeping. Not just oozing tears) as I read this post. I read it with understanding, all so personal and real. My tears this time are not from despair or fear or sadness or hopelessness……..this time. No, they are from experiencing over and over, from knowing Who holds my hand, Who walks with me, Who carries me when I can’t get through the pain.
Tears of relief and love and joy.
There is something so healing about being seen and known, right down to the detail of the most lonely and long situations. I don’t know what kind of doctor’s appointments you are walking into. I don’t know how lonely the waiting rooms feel…or how long this road is for you — but I pray that Jesus continues to meet you with reminders that fill you with joy and faith and strength for the journey. All my love, sister <33
This devotional felt like a hug from my Heavenly Father this morning. My current health issue seems like the woman with the “issue of blood.” After seeing my gastroenterologist this week, I have to wait 3 more weeks before testing procedures. The Lord is providing me strength, but I need to find more peace and rest from Him.
I absolutely understand this waiting game — I am in the same and it’s hard…so hard. Sending the biggest hug as you wait, and so glad to hear you feel that hug from our Heavenly Father. Strength and peace and rest all yours as you hide under the shadow of his wing…XOXO
Praying you are feeling much better at this time! You sure have a way with words as I certainly understand. I went through breast cancer & all that entailed; then it mestazised into bone cancer. Last week I got a Petscan & this week an MRI & I go see my cancer doc on Tues for the results. She previously told me that bone cancer is a death sentence because no cure has been found. I am hanging onto the hem of Jesus garment!
Thank you, Frances <33 Still lots of mysteries and waiting, but holding onto God as tight as I can...and holding onto hope, too. Praying that God begins to surround you, even now, as you prepare for results on Tuesday. Keep holding onto his hem — in Him, we have no death sentence. May Jesus work peace in and through your body and your story <33
Rachel,
Thank you for being so vulnerable in sharing your reality.
I am walking a difficult road with my health as well. The road has been long and ongoing with few answers. I have to be honest, it is scary. I keep wondering what is next. Will there be a definitive diagnosis, healing, or new changes in my ability to function? Recently God has been reminding me to lean into Him for this season. Your post was further confirmation that he sees me and knows my every need.
It is very scary. And very long, especially when there are no clear answers. Continue leaning into him – may you see his faithfulness and goodness and nearness in every little thing. Be encouraged that he sees you, today. And knows your heart and every need. Sending all my love, Michelle <33
Oh my. Yes. Just begging a doctor to see, believe and help. I have been there and it is a scary place to be. Thank you for writing this so eloquently. What a comfort to know that God does see and know and understand our medical mysteries completely. Also praying for you to find a doctor who will listen and dig through the mess with you to get answers. They’re a little like unicorns but so grateful for mine!
Such comfort, such comfort knowing, at least, that He knows and sees. Thank you for the love, sister. May God continue to feel you with that comfort on your journey, too <333
I’m crying reading this. I’ve been on this journey for thousands of miles and I’m exhausted. I live with a constant headache that has no diagnosis or effective treatment. I also have lifelong gut problems that continue to get worse, despite constant appointments, tests and medications. The endless lack of definitive diagnosis and the paternalistic attitude of the doctors I see. Their scathing attitude towards my anxiety and depression. And a benign kidney tumour on top of all of that. I feel utterly, utterly broken. Thank you for sharing your difficult story. Xx
Gillian, my eyes well up with tears reading about your journey. It sounds so much like mine. The gut problems, headaches, benign tumors left dormant. It’s exhausting knowing all that is wrong and not being able to do anything about it. Praying that, even now, God would breathe new life of hope into your heart. That, even as your body continues on without healing, that the brokenness you feel would begin to heal. Can’t help but think of that line from the hymn: “Perfect submission, all is at rest
I in my Savior, am happy and blessed, Watching and waiting, looking above, Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.” Watching and waiting. May He strengthen you to keep your eyes looking up. Prayers for melodies to flood your mind with reminders of the goodness in this very, very hard season <33
Thank you so much for replying. It’s so good to have encouragement from someone else who is suffering, and understands. Thank you for those verses too – I am going to write them out and stick them all over my house. I’m praying for you also – sometimes it all feels so dark. Xxx
Thank you so much for this. I have been having several seizures a year for about 20 years, and while it does not impact my day-to-day life too much, it still keeps me from being able to drive. Also the reason for my seizures is undetermined, and I also have general discomfort all over almost all the time. I have this all the time, yet I can’t totally put into words how it feels. What is hard right now is my general pains and discomfort, having to be driven everywhere I have to go, and being dependent on someone else financially. Also general worries about everything, from my health to the future. The Lord has most definitely been providing, but I still worry about that. My dear mother, whom I lost recently, was very understanding about my health. Even though I always felt like I was a burden to her, I know she never thought that, and that my dad doesn’t now. My ultimate goals are to get on disability, and to maybe be able to afford to get some medical help. That just hasn’t been possible for the last few years. Prayers for provision and health appreciated.
I had a stroke a little over a month ago. I lost some vision on my left side. I know healing is going to manifest but don’t know when. I’m hanging on to Him with everything I have right now. He knows…He wants me healed.
I have been having pain in my right side for over 3 years now. I have had cysts on my ovaries and been told that was the cause, I have been told I have IBS and that is the cause, I have been told all looks well but still the pain comes and I am now losing my hair and breaking out in rashes. I’m only 38. I have had blood work done that comes back normal and I don’t know how to get help or what to do anymore but this spoke so very much to ny heart because not knowing whats wrong is a long,weary, frustrating road to walk. I pray for answers, guidance to make the right choices, wisdom to speak the right words and I’m still waiting for answers. Its a very hard season for me. Praying for all of those going through these kinds of situations and thankful to have read this ❤
Hi Kayla,
I hope you don’t mind me replying here. But I wondered if you might seek out a gynaecologist? I also have a lot of gut pain and IBS. My skin is terrible too. I’m 46, so older than you, but it wouldn’t be super unusual for you to be experiencing early menopause. I’ve just started on HRT in the hope it might help some of my symptoms. I just wondered if it might be worth checking out for yourself. I’m so sorry you’re suffering so much and I know it’s just exhausting trying to get answers. Xx
Reading through all these abs sending up prayers of hope, love and compassion. I relate to so many of these story’s, have had an operation which I thought would sort me out but didn’t and more issues since. Also my husband is in a similar place but with much worse pain. Rachel your words are a balm and although it saddens me to know others are in similar places too, there is such comfort to know we are not alone.
We’ve seen so many blessings through this time too, our family is close and our girls full of compassion. Ill health has, I believe turned us to Jesus in a deeper way, because some days that’s all we can do. We have never been in need, indeed often when our girls have wanted a particular fashion and we’ve not had the money a bag of clothes will be dropped by a friend whose clearing out and there will be the item
In the right size. (This week it was tan boots and fluffy jackets) over and above any needs. We are held, you all are held and one day there will be no more pain.
Honey, not to down play the spiritual in your message, but it’s time to find a new doctor and I would recommend a woman doctor. There is someone out there who will go the distance to find help for you. Find that someone. Prayers!
Rachel,
Thank you for sharing your story. It helps others to know they aren’t alone in their suffering. I have to agree with Mary Jane-maybe it’s time to find a new doctor. Someone who doesn’t just read a bunch of stuff but listens to you & truly cares for you.
I don’t have any major medical issues yet (56) thank God. I know down the road I may face problems. For those of you who have major health issues I am praying for you. Praying that you can find the relief you need. First & foremost turn to Jesus. He is with you in the midst of all trials. He won’t turn you away, but will walk this journey with you.
Blessings 🙂
I feel like the woman , bleeding for 12 years, unknown and unloved. Inside their is a deep invisible pain. BUT God knows. He knows everything about me. I now need to trust he will help me to accept that he knows everything and why …. It’s like the embroidered picture. We see the mess on the back but HE sees the front and what we are going to become. Thank you for writing your innermost feelings down. It helps me feel less alone
Boy, I’m glad I stumbled onto this website. I found it by googling “God help me I feel like I’m dying”.
So you know where I’m at.
I always had emotional issues, but was otherwise healthy and athletic.
Then my mom died (Feb 11, 2016) and I went off the rails. One physical malady after another, many serious and all scary.
I feel like I’m living in a constant state of overwhelm and dying from the inside out.
I can relate to most or all of the posts here, especially distrust of doctors.
Didn’t want to take up too much space going into detail, but I like your website. Please pray for and with me.
Debbie
Do not despair. There is hope. I had a benign thyroid goiter (nodule) found in 1994 . It was treated with synthroid to reduce the size and keep it from growing. In 2003 I lost a little weight on my own and I started to get nervous and my thyroid number was too low. .003 TSH They said it had to come out. I was thin, nervous, affected my brain, thinking, and my body because the thyroid controls everything. In 2004 It was removed and it was only a short time that I could think clearly, no lump felt when I swallowed, and I eventually returned to my normal self in a few months. However I only had 1/2 removed and do not have to take any medicines . My numbers are good . You really need a good endocrinologist. I knew someday I could share my story to help someone.
I became the closest I have ever been to God at that point because I was desperate for help. I hope this helps you. Bless you. There are answers with the right doctors. Sandra