My heart pounded as I drove home, too crushed to cry or scream. When I got home, I headed straight to our bedroom, grabbed my Bible off the nightstand, marched to the kitchen, and threw it in the trashcan on top of the morning coffee grounds.
My appointment, a second opinion, wasn’t supposed to end this way. I had prayed and pleaded together with a trusted group of girlfriends. With all my faith, I believed God could, that He would, give me a miracle. Doctors make mistakes. The first diagnosis must be wrong. We heard the baby’s heartbeat last month. Maybe the ultrasound tech had simply missed it this time. But instead of celebrating the miracle we prayed for, our loss was confirmed. All the air was sucked out of the room. How could this be? Where was my miracle?
Immediately, I began to doubt everything I believed. I’d been in church my entire life. Youth groups and church camps had been a childhood staple. As an adult, I’d served on worship teams, volunteered for countless activities, and led Bible studies. God was supposed to love and care for His children. How was allowing agony and heartbreak signs of a loving God? Questions began to swirl:
Where had I gone wrong?
What had I missed?
Were they right? Was my faith too small for God to show up?
How small is a mustard seed again? Surely I had prayed with more faith than that!
How do you come to accept God’s will when it’s the opposite of your own? When it feels like your faith is hanging on by a thin, frayed thread, how do you find the courage to move on? What do you do when it feels like God has abandoned you?
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t reconcile how God could ignore my desperate pleas. I was His daughter. Didn’t He love me? Didn’t Psalms say if you delight in the Lord, He’ll give you the desires of your heart? Isn’t there a verse about where two or more are gathered, He is in the midst of them? I had gathered a strong group of prayer warriors. Still our efforts seemed in vain.
It’s easy to love God when things are going well, hands lifted high, remembering His faithfulness. The true test comes when life hits you full force causing your knees to buckle as your world shatters. It’s then that you discover you only have two options: You can either cling to your feelings of despair or His promises of hope. It’s hard to set your emotions aside for the sake of truth. You feel utterly alone, abandoned, yet His word reminds us, “I will never leave you or forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:6b).
My body healed quickly from the miscarriage, but my soul took much longer. Tears that initially wouldn’t come now had no end. I found safety in the cocoon of my bed, spending hours, even days there. Calls went unanswered. My Bible, rescued by my husband and stained from my coffee and tantrum, remained unopened across the room. Thankfully, a sweet friend came to my rescue. For months, she tenderly cared for me, listening when I needed to talk, inviting me to coffee, crying with me as I mourned. When words failed me, she prayed. During my darkest days, when the sadness and despair were all-consuming, her love carried me.
When you’re in the eye of the storm, it’s hard to feel God’s nearness. Chaos swirls all around while God seems distant at best. Yet, when we look back, through a less-distorted lens, we’re able to see His love and faithfulness, His constant presence providing for our needs, holding us close, and comforting us.
I couldn’t see it then, but years later God’s fingerprints throughout that season were obvious. He saw every tear I cried. He lovingly cared for me through my friend’s presence and actions. His grace allowed me to be angry enough to throw His Word and promises away. Still, He loved me. Like a loving father, God doesn’t always give us what we want, and sometimes what He allows feels confusing and cruel.
Over time, my pride and brokenness revealed themselves, and I recognized my need to surrender. I wrongly believed I’d checked enough boxes along the way to earn my miracle. God doesn’t work that way. His “no” was not the result of me missing the mark or not having enough faith. His love is unconditional, rooted in grace. We can’t earn it, and we can’t lose it either.
God’s goodness isn’t dependent on me. It’s not a result of anything I’ve done or didn’t do. He is good because He’s God. Period.
Are you in a similar season? Have you prayed with every fiber of your being only to be met with an answer you find hard to accept? Do you feel unheard, unseen, and unloved by your Heavenly Father?
In the middle of the soul-crushing disappointment, overwhelming heartbreak, and sense of abandonment, God is still right there. Perhaps He’s carrying you or maybe He’s in the background working out the details or He could be preparing the way for you. One thing I know for certain: He has never left me. He never will. He has never left you, and He won’t start now.
Leave a Comment
Diane says
I had three miscarriages, and I understand and remember the finality of the realization that the pregnancy had ended. I can still get teary-eyed and mourn those I lost, even though I have been blessed with three healthy children. I remember praying the same way as the author of this story. God pulled me through, and He has given me the privilege of helping friends as they endured a miscarriage. Thank you for a powerful read!
Torrie Sorge says
Thank you for sharing and being willing to help other women who experience the same heartache. God is so good, even when it doesn’t feel like it!
Ruth Mills says
Amen. Life is hard BUT GOD is good. I’m sorry for your loss. I rejoice with you the gain of learning “God is good. Period.” Oh & the sweet friend that prayed & cried over you. May we all have & be that friend to others!
Torrie Sorge says
Yes! God is so good. He didn’t answer the cry of my heart the way I wanted, but He did give me a glimpse of his love and care through my friend. So incredibly thankful for her during this specific season of life. Life you said, may we be that friend to others.
Denise says
I’m in the midst of one of those seasons. I lost my best friend to a long battle with breast cancer about 8 months ago. I feel a bit lost and abandoned by God. I don’t exactly know what to hope for or pray for.
Geralyn says
I lost my best friend to cancer 29 years ago. You get use to that person not being physically with you but you never stop missing your friend. Try to remember your friend will always be with you in spirit just as Jesus is. Pray that her soul is at peace and that you may find that same peace. We grow through our losses if we allow ourselves to.
Stand strong but cry as much as you need to.
Torrie Sorge says
Denise, I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. I understand the sense of loss and abandonment well. I’m reminded of Romans 8:26, “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” Sometimes we don’t have the words. All we have left are sobs. In those moments, God still sees; He hears; He knows.
Praying for you as you lean into Him to be your healing.
Kat Leon says
When my son was a Marine and stationed in Iraq, I prayed Eph 11-18 daily. I could visualize him putting his gear and protection on. When he was KIA I was so saddened and angry that God hadn’t brought him home safely. Anger is part of grief and I was angry at God for three years. I wondered if He would strike me down but God doesn’t respond like that. I had many friends who would lift me up in prayer since I had a difficult time praying or worshiping. I did attend a Bible study and it was at the end when Beth Moore said, “when I put on my helmet of salvation” I realized that my prayers had been answered, just not in an earthly way.
My son did know Jesus as his savior and was with Him instantly in death. It was a Holy Spirit moment and my anger left and never returned. It has not been an easy journey but knowing I will see him again has eased the pain.
God understands our pain and never turns away. It takes time to heal but He is walking this heartache with us.
Geralyn says
Thank you to you and your family for your sons service. I am saddened he did not return home to you but peaceful that he returned home to God. May you always find peace in your heart.
Torrie Sorge says
Oh friend, thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your story. Grief looks different for each of us. The time frame for each season of grief looks different. Some stay disillusioned longer, some angry, some heartbroken. Isn’t God sweet to walk us through at our speed. He doesn’t push or condemn. He sits, patiently holding us, loving us through each moment.
Kat Leon says
Yes, God is very sweet….He doesn’t ever turn away or get frustrated with our humanness. I’m so thankful
for His love and peace.
Amber Richard says
I wish I had friends who prayed for me. I have been struggling with my faith ever since Florence hit NC in 2018. For almost four years my family and I have hit every roadblock, challenge, that can happen. It’s disheartening and I’m having such a hard time in believing that Good even hears me anymore.
Geralyn says
God hears you and he is working for your good even when you don’t see it or feel it. Remember Christ example of preserving and accepting the path set before you. It will lead to a better place when you allow yourself to see the personal growth gained through hardship.
Pray the serenity pray daily and stay focused on each moment of the day and you will find signs that God loves you.
Torrie Sorge says
Amber, I’ve been there too. Recently, I found myself in one of the darkest spaces. I’d come to a place where I felt there was no longer a reason to pray since God was going to do what He wanted anyway. From the looks of it, He didn’t listen to me anyway, so what was the point. Then I read a book, ‘Angry Conversations with God.’ The title drew me in. God used it to meet me right where I was. He used it to show me my expectations of Him had been wrong. I prayed expecting Him to show up my way in my time. What he revealed is that I needed to hold my will/plan loosely. I had to deal with the series of disappointments I held in my heart for all the times He didn’t show up that way I wanted Him to.
God does love you. He does hear your prayers and He is fight for you, even on the days when it doesn’t feel like it. Praying for you & your family.
Sandy Groves says
Dear God be with all of the
Broken Hearts today!
Help us to Love them with
Your Love through the Holy
Spirit … Help us to always
Remember that people we
Meet along the way need a
A kind word and a Smile!
Sandy
Torrie Sorge says
Amen!
Winnie Ellegood says
Your words echo the cries of my heart so many years ago. Thank you for capturing the pain felt by all of us who have suffered pregnancy loss in such a poignant way.
Beth Williams says
Torrie,
God never promised an easy life down here. He said we would have trial & tribulations. But take heart for He has overcome this world. He is a loving, caring Father. who never abandons His children. He is with us every step of our journey. When we hurt He hurts. Jesus wept when He saw Mary & Jews with her weeping over Lazarus’ death. He has heartfelt compassion for us. His goodness isn’t dependent on anything we could do. It’s simply because He loves us that much!!
Blessings 🙂