We were hiding from the heat, sisters in solidarity against vacations on the surface of the sun. While most of our friends lounged by the pool, living their best lives with umbrella drinks and beach reads, the four of us sought refuge in the blessed air-conditioned hotel room. In the privacy of that room, we could finally admit that we were melting and a little bit hangry about it (hangry = hot + angry).
As we commiserated and cooled off, our conversation quickly turned to deeper topics.
I can still see us in that room, two of us on each of the two beds, facing each other and slowly getting comfortable. I’m not sure how we got from “I cannot deal with this heat” to “Some spaces aren’t safe for people who look like me,” but we did. Of the four of us, one of my friends was African-American and one was Asian-American. As they began to share their lived experiences in the world and on the internet, I was shocked.
Listening to their stories, I was shocked both by what I was hearing and learning and by my own reaction. At one point, I sat on my hands in an attempt to remind myself to stay quiet and listen. I’d never before taken the phrase “bite your tongue” as literal advice, but as I felt protests rattling in my throat, I wondered if I would need to actually bite my tongue.
“But I’m not like that!” I screamed internally. “I would never treat you like that — and I’m so mad anyone ever did!” I longed to say. Words of encouragement and empathy tend to be my friendship superpower, but somehow I knew this wasn’t the time. Somehow, I sensed that expressed rage on my friends’ behalf wasn’t what was needed. It wasn’t what would help and it might even hurt.
I sat in that hotel room in the summer of 2017, listening to my friends talk and carefully asking follow-up questions. It took restraint that I don’t normally exercise, discernment and discipline that can only be attributed to the Holy Spirit. And not only did God make it clear that I should talk less and listen more, but He also helped me hear something new, something heart-changing.
When I heard my friends say that they didn’t feel welcome in communities that included very few people of color, my gut reaction was to yell, “But you ARE welcome! I promise! I want you there! You SHOULD feel welcome there!” I don’t think that reaction was completely wrong, but it was coming from a place of ignorance. I didn’t know what I didn’t know, but from that conversation and many more that have followed, I began to learn.
I’ve learned that I really don’t understand what it’s like to be a person of color in the United States. And as much as I’ve wanted to say, “We’re all the same!” and move on, glossing over our differences erases the pain and struggle and the beauty of those very differences. I’ve learned that just because I’m not overtly racist, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have beliefs and benefit from a system that is rooted in racist and wrong assumptions and misunderstandings about people who are different from me.
I’ve learned that I have a lot to learn, and I won’t be able to do that if I open my mouth and shout, “Not me!” and “Not every . . . !” each time the issue of race comes up. I’ve learned that feeling things in my heart is a good start, but it doesn’t actually help my sisters and brothers of color. Well-intentioned emotions aren’t enough. Understanding is just the first step — and a steeper one than I’d previously imagined. Because of my friends’ honesty and the prompting of the Holy Spirit, I’ve come to understand that I can and should take action in creating a world that’s welcoming and safe for all.
That day opened my eyes to the struggles and pain my friends (and others) were facing, to issues I had not understood, and problems I had not considered. Our conversation changed me — and continues to change me still. It was the beginning of my realization that simply feeling sad about racism or shouting supportive words aren’t enough to make a difference. It’s a privilege to listen and hold my friends’ stories, and I’m grateful that in His love, God revealed the ways my posture, my beliefs, and my actions needed to change so I can truly love others as He does.
Fast forward to today, and God has been faithfully persistent in teaching me that embracing and celebrating the diversity of His people is how I can see Him more fully. Through reading books, watching movies, and listening to the stories shared by my fellow (in)courage sisters here, I’m being humbled and keeping my heart soft. I’m learning to sit in the discomfort of challenging my long-held perspectives and knee-jerk reactions, having hard but good conversations with my kids, and doing the long-term work of justice in my everyday life.
I don’t always get it right, but that’s part of the process of growing. We learn. We mess up. We do our best to make things right. And we keep going.
B. says
Thank you Mary! Very helpful on so many levels. Thank you for this.
Mary Carver says
You’re welcome, B! Thanks for being here today.
Madeline says
Thank you Mary. It can be so hard to acknowledge this. At least it is for me. I grew up in a multi-cultural neighborhood in NYC and never really gave it much thought. I had neighbors from all walks of life, all colors, all languages spoken. My family was bi-lingual and recent immigrants. I just “assumed” an awful lot. All through life I had friends who identified as Black. I have a “cousin-in-law” who is African American. I never once thought to consider to have a conversation about this. As I write this I struggle using the correct words. I am trying to examine my life. I may not be able to do anything about the past, but I can certainly do my part by educating myself for today and the future. I wonder what Jesus thinks?
Mary Carver says
Madeline, I so appreciate your focus on educating yourself for now and the future. That seems wise to me. 🙂
Sara says
So very appreciated. I’ll read this over, slow. Your heart comes through and makes this such a compelling piece for me. THANK YOU.
Mary Carver says
You’re welcome, Sara. I love how you said that — read this over, slow. So many times I skim through articles and have to go back again to really soak it in.
Andrea says
“ I don’t always get it right, but that’s part of the process of growing. We learn. We mess up. We do our best to make things right. And we keep going.” Yes! We never stop learning how to love others well.
Thank you for all of this, Mary!
Mary Carver says
Yes, exactly. If we think we’ve learned “enough,” we’re in trouble! 🙂
Tasha says
Mary, thank you for this honest post. And thank you for living these words. From my first moments of getting to know you, I was struck with how safe of a person you are—and that feeling is SO rare these days. You are humble, observant, others-minded, tender, and open. And that is a powerful combination. I’m so very grateful for your words today.
Mary Carver says
Oh, Tasha, your words are so kind. Thank you, friend.
Jann Hunter says
You have captured beautifully the emotional confusion that many feel, that cause some to deny the truth and reality of racism, and return to old beliefs that do not enable us to move forward into His light and desire for Love. It is so hard, as you have described, to “learn to sit in discomfort”. But, we must. He sits with us as we grapple, reflect, and allow Him to change our hearts. I am counting on HIm, and I know that He is counting on me. Amen
Mary Carver says
Yes, I’m so thankful God sits with us in the discomfort and helps us move forward even when we’d rather return to those old beliefs!
Geralyn says
Thank you for sharing your well thought out insights and saying what so many of us feel but can’t articulate so beautifully. You have given us all something to reflect on.
Thank you for your words and the intentions behind them!
Mary Carver says
You’re welcome, Geralyn. Thank you for reading my story!
Irene says
Mary, I love this!
Penny says
Thank-you for your encouraging message this morning Mary.
Blessings to all,
Penny
Maura Michael says
So beautiful and intensely honest, and so necessary for all to hear. I can’t ever know the pain of racism, but I can sit with those who do and give honor to their struggles with my respect.
Mary Carver says
Yes, Maura, exactly. We must honor others’ experiences by listening and responding with compassion. Thank you for being here today!
Brenda M. Russell says
Good morning Everyone, who precious it is to know the love of Christ ! ! !
Thank You Lord for teaching me to have a soft heart and a teachable demeanor.
My desire is for all God’s children to be loving toward one another. If we can’t start in our own family and our own community and our own House of Worship, then how can we expect good behavior and correct beliefs from those who are unsaved?
We all have a very long way to go . . .
Let’s start with God is our Creator, we did not create ourselves. We did not choose our parents and grandparents. So, this is common sense why can’t we also understand that God had His own reasons for diversity in mankind. Now, can anyone change their race? No, even if you wish you could, you cannot!
Love is an action word, what we all need is to ask God to transform our minds so we can love the agape way.
This is how God loves us, no strings attached. He offers us life eternally but we have to change our hearts toward each other.
I will be in heaven, I hope to see you all there too.
God bless you all ! ! !
Mary Carver says
Brenda, I’m also so thankful God is teaching me to be teachable. It’s taken a long time for this stubborn heart, but He is full of patience and grace.
Dawn Bata says
Yes…. this is how we move forward.. Period. “ I don’t always get it right, but that’s part of the process of growing. We learn. We mess up. We do our best to make things right. And we keep going.”
This pertains to every aspect of life.
Mary Carver says
So true, Dawn. True for every part of life!
Leslie McCarthy says
Same. My son, adopted and of another race, is helping me view things differently. I feel as you do and have been likewise tempted to respond as you have in your head, but the same Holy Spirit has stopped me. I’m learning more, listening more, always good. Thanks.♥
Mary Carver says
What a gift when the Holy Spirit helps us be slow to speak, right? Thanks for being here today, Leslie!
Janet Williams says
Thank you Mary. I’m learning, just as you said: “to sit in the discomfort of challenging my long-held perspectives” AND most of all listening. For me, that does require sitting on my hands and biting my tongue! My sisters and brothers of color and nationalities other than mine are worth it.
Mary Carver says
Yes, Janet! Our sisters and brothers are absolutely worth it!
Linda R Johnson says
I treasure this post. As a Christian Asian American, living in an upper middle class predominantly white community, people have often expressed their ‘but I’m not racist’ phrases in my presence — but turn a deaf ear to the plight and struggles of those of us in their faces who are forced to respond to blatant ill demeanor in public. Having been raised with values that were God-fearing and neighbor-respecting (and these were from immigrant parents), it was a real culture shock to enter into an adult environment that purported to be Bible-thumping but did very little to practice the precepts found in that Bible.
As a Church, we have a long way to go to bridge the gap of chosen ignorance (‘I don’t see, therefore, I don’t need to think) — the Body of Christ is made up of all of us.
Thank you for your transparency and honesty. I pray that you continue to ignite the flame wherever you go.
Mary Carver says
Linda, I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt by the Church. I wish I could say I’m surprised, but I know that’s a common experience for so many of our sisters and brothers of color. Thank you for sharing your experience and your heart, and for the prayers!
Nancy Ruegg says
Praise God for the wisdom He gave you that day, Mary, to listen and ask thoughtful follow-up questions. I praise Him too that the same wisdom is available to all of us who ask (James 1:5), as such conversations happen in each of our circles of influence.
Mary Carver says
Yes, Nancy, I’m so grateful God guided me that day. Any wisdom displayed was 100% from Him.
Beth Williams says
Mary,
We would all be wise to listen & be silent more. Hearing others’ stories can help both them & us. They can “let it out” & we can be the sounding board. Plus we can learn how best to help them. Sometimes all anyone needs is a safe landing place to tell their stories & know they are loved.
Blessings 🙂
Mary Carver says
Beth, you’re so right and yes, being a safe place is such a valuable part of our cross-cultural friendships. Thank you for being here as always today!
Gail Noe says
Thank you!
Eileen Curtis says
Beautifully said, Mary! There is such a need for listening and understanding. Recently, I heard a white woman complain about the phrase Black Lives Matter. When I pointed about that the phrase didn’t imply that white lives don’t matter, she was unconvinced. I tried an analogy: does the phrase Save the Children mean that we shouldn’t care about adults? She said that was different: “I mean, what do those people want?” she asked me—a white woman. I started to talk about the pain of racial injustice and how prejudice hurts all of us, not just people of color. And then I got frustrated. I suggested that she speak—and listen—not to me, but to the people of color she knew. And then I got even more frustrated. Sometimes the problem isn’t that our explanations aren’t persuasive enough, but that our ears and hearts aren’t open enough.
Mary Carver says
Ohhh, Eileen, I’m frustrated for you! That conversation sounds really difficult. But I’m encouraged and inspired by the way you engaged anyway and spoke truth even when it was hard. You’re right; open ears and hearts are what’s needed so desperately right now. May it begin with us!
Lucretia Berry says
Mary, you wrote:
It’s a privilege to listen and hold my friends’ stories, and I’m grateful that in His love, God revealed the ways my posture, my beliefs, and my actions needed to change so I can truly love others as He does.
THAT PART!!!!
Colorblindness robs of us this rich opportunity. May we refuse to be live in the lack of understanding.
Thank you for sharing your learning journey!
I see and appreciate your humility and vulnerability.
Shalom
LCB
Mary Carver says
Thank you, Lucretia. I definitely thought colorblindness was the goal for a long time. I’m so grateful God has shown me that appreciating and celebrating our differences is so much more loving than ignoring them!
Elaine Rhoades says
I grew up in a city. In our neighborhood we were all the same. We shared food clothes and families. Its only been in these past 25 years that this has become an issue. So if one has to change then all have to change as we see each other as equal. Not what we have or what we do but who we all were created to be. God created all equal so we all need to treat one another that way. There are people of all kind who do the right thing and then there are people who do the wrong thing. The answer is we all live on this planet. We make the best of who we are and seek to make ourselves who God created us to be equal in
His sight. Life is full of choices so make your own choice.