Before I even got the call, I knew in my gut that something was wrong.
Ten years ago, my dad died alone in his apartment of heart failure.
Time is such a strange thing. It’s been a decade and a moment and a lifetime.
My body’s calendar of grief told me this anniversary was coming before I even realized the date. I took my tears and tissue to the garage and pulled out a bunch of old pictures. I could only find one of my dad genuinely smiling alongside me and my two older sisters. But there were dozens of other poor-quality 90’s Kodak prints capturing my band concerts and basketball games, award ceremonies and graduation speeches, photos of ASB election skits, pole vaulting runways, cross country finish lines, and musical fundraiser dinners. I didn’t even remember he was there for all of it.
My dad spent much of his life wounded and wounding others. He chased success and pleasure and ways to numb his pain. Ultimately, the pursuits of this world took a toll on his physical body and mental state. The weight of failure and disappointment crushed his spirit. But it was in this pit that he really met Jesus.
Looking through each stack of grainy memories, I thought of Psalm 73:
When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.
Psalm 73:21-28 (NIV)
For all the things I wished my dad had been, I know without a doubt that he loved me and was proud of me. I ache for the fact that he never had the chance to know my sons. He would have loved them too. My dad’s flesh and heart failed, but he did not perish. I will see him again.
Friend, if you are enduring the fresh ache of loss, I’m so sorry.
If you are traveling the long and twisted road of grief, I’m so sorry.
I wish I could invite you to sit in my living room. I’d offer you a cozy afghan and a cup of something hot to drink. I’d light a log in the fireplace and have a tissue box ready if you needed it. Then we’d just sit and listen to the crackle of the fire. After the company of silence, if you wanted to share, I’d be there to listen, to bear witness to your stories and tears. I’d want to hear the memories of your loved one that make you laugh. And the moments that still leave you wrestling with confusion, regret, or pain.
I would tell you that your joy and sorrow are welcome here. You can feel both. We need to feel both.
I’m no grief expert, but if you asked me, I’d lean in and offer you this encouragement:
- You need to feel to heal. God didn’t create you with a full spectrum of emotions in order for you to stuff it all away. It’s okay if you can’t fully name or explain your grief. Sometimes the first and best step is just to make space to feel it.
- Identify your barriers to grieving. After ten years of missing my dad, part of me feels like I should be okay by now. I battle thoughts like, “You shouldn’t be sad because you know he’s in a better place.” Or, “What right do you have to cry? You weren’t that close anyway.” Or, “Crying and feeling depressed won’t make you a good mom/wife/employee.” FULL STOP. These thoughts are lies. I had to recognize them and then choose to move past them.
- Invite others into your grief. When a fresh wave of grief hits, I used to hide. Now I choose to be honest with the people who love me. I told my husband I’m missing my dad. I let my children see me cry. Sharing your grief — even if the other person can’t fully understand or relate — opens the door for you to receive the support you need and for others to grow in compassion.
When Lazarus died, Jesus joined His friends Mary and Martha in their mourning. He wept. It didn’t matter that Jesus knew He would raise Lazarus from the dead. He first entered into the grief of His friends.
Time and time again, God has met me in my deepest sorrow too. I know He will do the same for you.
May the Sovereign Lord be our refuge today.
Leave a Comment
Becky,
Monday would have been my dad’s 93rd birthday. It’s hard to believe he’s been gone ten years. One moment here and a heart attack later, gone. Life is fleeting and my dad’s passing reminds me to grab every minute of it with the people you love because tomorrow it could all vanish. I find myself missing him more as the years go on. Jesus modeled for us the way to grieve. Weeping is allowed – no points for stoicism. Beautiful post!
Blessings,
Bev xx
Bev, my dad’s passing has had the same effect on me — may we savor each day with gratitude! Much love to you in the missing.
Wish your post was not so timely! There is such a fear of Covid deaths right now & yet the “regular” causes of death haven’t been suspended. Grief is grief & must be processed. Thanks for the well grounded advice to not stuff it away but to experience it as it comes. We do not grieve alone. TYJ!
We do not grieve alone. Yes. Sending you love and prayers, Ruth. I’m sorry for your sorrow.
Thank you for sharing!
I appreciate you reading!
My father passed at the beginning of August, he was 88 and his birthday is coming up in mid April. I am an only child and my mom passed 40 years ago. Thank you for reminding me that it is OK to grieve and take my time to feel my emotions. It has not been easy since his youngest sister also died 2 days after he did. My dad’s passing was expected, my aunt’s wasn’t. I have been trying to clean out his house, 46 years of memories and stuff. He was the original owner. I want so much to be done with this and put the house up for sale. It has not been easy and I have yet to have a full out cry. I feel sad and I feel a few tears. My cousin says she gets weepy over her mom sometimes. Weepy seems to be what I feel because my dad would not want me to be sad. He was prepared to pass and I know he is with the Lord and I believe he sent me a sign that he is OK. And that it all will be well.
Thank you for your message and I sure would like to share a cup of Hot Cocoa and a hug. But of course we can’t hug in this pandemic! But God is good and Blesses me many times over. It will be Ok in it’s time.
Judy
Oh, Judy. So much loss. My heart hurts for you, sister. May the God of peace be near today as you grieve. Sending a virtual hug your way.
Becky—-Thank you for your post. My Mom’s 10th anniversary was on
the 8th, and I miss her so much! I keep feeling I am too old to still be feeling this! I am sick myself and it just makes me long for her more.
Don’t know about others but I keep hoping to feel her presence more around me, but feel its childish to do so. I have learned to let my tears flow openly, and find respite in that and in the Lord!! God Bless!
Patricia, you are never too old to miss your mom. xx
Thank you– just lost my mom in November–it’s good to know other people share the same feelings without having to endure people’s concerned curiosity and well-meaning but painful questions
J, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m grateful to know this post was meaningful to you. xx
Thank you for this beautiful and genuine piece. I have lost my mom at a very young age. Thereafter my twin brothers none months apart and then my daddy dearest. Through all this heartache, sadness and grief, truly God has been my resting and safe place. I also read The Bible that gave me a constant Hope in the Second Coming of Jesus and how soon He would come again and raise those who have died in Him with faithful and obedience lives. Oh how I daily look for to that auspicious and glorious day. For us all to be reunited with our loved ones, but more to see God and thank Him for Jesus Christ.
Thank you that I can share these beautiful words with my dear friend and colleague who recently lost her mom.
Death is not the end. God bless you
Death is not the end! Amen. What would we do without Jesus?
Dear Becky,Thank you for sharing your heart and your faith. I had a complicated relationship with my Dad and when he passed away 1 1/2 years ago grieving was very different than how I still grieve my mom (passed away 6 yrs ago). It gives me strength and comfort to read your words of encouragement. Sending a hug to you and God Bless ❤
Kathleen, it encourages my heart too to know that what I shared resonated with you. No two grief journies are the same, but God always goes with us. What a gift that is.
Thank you for this…. I lost my Dad just over a month ago, and the pain is still so fresh.. it helped to read this..
Aldene, I’m so sorry for your loss. Praying for comfort today as you grieve.
Thank you so much. I lost my son on 10th November 2020. I’ve been trying to feel less pain as I’m made to feel as if people lose loved ones but don’t grief like I’m doing. Thanks for allowing me to feel my grief.
Please Alice, take permission and encouragement to grieve like you need to! Grieve hard and deeply. It really doesn’t matter how other people grieve / stuff grief / or think you should… When my parents passed 2 years apart, a wise lady from the funeral home shared with me how unwilling many people are to face death of loved ones, and to grieve. We here (in N. America) tend to want the professionals to deal with the details, and we try to be tidy and composed with our grief. I had times when I wept non-stop for an hour at a time, after my mom died. We were driving once, had no kleenex in the vehicle, but thank goodness I found a sanitary pad (!!) in the door cubby and I bawled into it soaking it with my tears and runny nose… to the horror of my daughter and husband! (Okay, I admit there were moments of laughter co-existing with tears, as can be the case!) It was a deep purging process that was very necessary and very healing. Do what you need to do.
Oh, Alice. I can’t imagine losing a child. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with people who don’t understand or support you. May you feel the nearness of Jesus in these tender days.
Thank you, Becky. And may you be richly blessed during this time. May you be surrounded by love, hugged, cherished, swaddled in comfort.
Thank you so much, Irene.
My dad died 5 months ago of a drug overdose. I miss him so much. Growing up he was emotionally distant. I had just made a decision in my heart to love him regardless of his imperfections. Just as our relationship was growing he was gone. I’m still in disbelief and my mother in law basically told me to get over it because I need to focus on being a wife and mother.
Roni, you take all the time you need to grieve! Dont let anyone tell you how or how long! God gave us our emotions and great love causes great grief! I am an emotional person anyway, and I cried for years over my mom and dad and can still cry today for them just as if it were yesterday. Tell your Mother-in-law that you are praying for her…but do not let her make you feel guilty about your grief. She should be reaching out and holding you and sharing your grief…not telling you to get over it. I will be praying for you and her…
Oh dear Roni… I want to reframe your mother in law’s comment. I believe the truth is that in order to be a wholehearted wives and mothers, we need to grieve the losses! You have many losses to grieve: that which was, that which was not. Your MIL is likely uncomfortable with your pain and grief and unfortunately is protecting herself from that. We have to accept where other people are at, and many adopt her mindset. I pray you may find someone who can be present with your grief; and know that you always have God who absolutely is present with you, and shows us all through Scripture to grieve, lament, feel the feelings he’s given us. He gave us tears to purge us. He knows how much it hurts and invites you to be open in his presence with it all! Let Jesus be your best example. Instead of having to ‘get over it’, may you walk through it all, in time, (however long that might take, there’s no formula), and get through it with God and others who can empathize.
Amen Margo…very comforting to Roni. God is our refuge and strength and especially when we are grieving. So thankful you replied to her…i ached for for you Roni, when i read your comment. My heart goes out to all of you in fact. I lost my beloved mom and dad four months apart, and two brothers shortly after that. I was devastated to say the least…and I will always grieve for them. But with God’s grace, the pain does subside and we go on. Never the same, but can still feel the blessings that God showers me with. Praying that all of you will find peace for your grief…but let yourself grieve as long as it takes. God understands and He is with you thru it all.
Becky you gave us the freedom to feel today in no matter what or who we’re grieving as I sit here again with tissues a plenty, I’m amazed at how a young beautiful mom such as yourself has the amazing grace and wisdom in sharing with us in such a beautiful way to such heart breaking experiences Glory be to God as He uses you to minister to do many heart’s❣️ Blessings and virtual hugs and tea on the warm cozy couch in front of the fire.. you know Jesus will be right there beside us ❤️
Thank you for sharing this Becky. My 37 year old daughter passed away in June 2020 with cancer. I will NEVER get over this loss, but I will continue to cry and grieve. I will call out to God to comfort me, and He will meet me in my grief. My Dad passed away 10 years ago and my Mom 4 years ago. This loss makes me miss them even more, if that’s possible. I never know when a wave of grief will come over me, but I allow myself to rest in it for a while and meet God for comfort. I’m then given the ability to move on. Praise God for His blessings and grace!! ❤️
I honour your pain and your grief process… so thankful you’re able to perceive God’s presence in your tears and loss, and receive his gifts of comfort and strength as you take it one day at a time. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you, Becky. This post is a healing balm to my soul.
♥ Christine
What a beautiful post! Thank you Becky! My 89-year old mom passed away 8 months ago today and my 95-year old dad passed away only 9 months before she did… they were married for 70 years! I took care of Mom the last few months of her life after she had a stroke. Needless to say, it’s been a rough year and a half and the pain is still raw as I’m trying to recuperate from the physical and emotional toll. Thankfully, they both knew the Lord so I’ll see them again but that doesn’t help that I really miss them right now. I’ve been so weepy lately. I’m very thankful to have a supportive husband who will just hold me while I cry. And Jesus has met me in my grief this week in ways I can’t even describe with words. Your post was one way He’s telling me it’s OK to grieve, He understands the hurt and wants to walk through the process with me. May all of us experience God’s love in a way that touches our heart in the deepest parts.
Yes, it is more than OK to grieve. So thankful you have loving compassionate arms, human and God’s, to lean into as you cry. I lost both parents quite close together too, and the cumulative grief can be enormous. Tend to it, one cry at a time… mercifully there are times of laughter as well. It’s all healing.
My husband of 40 years died by suicide in March 2018. Tomorrow is my birthday which was always a cause for two weeks of celebration. My body remembers even when I don’t know the date. It remembers that after celebrating my day which will not happen because of Covid and the weather, I face the 3rd anniversary of that dreadful day in a few weeks. The good news is that I have worked through over the anger (most days), disappointment in him, my guilt for not seeing the signs and I am able to recall good memories. With the help of Jesus, my kids and good friends, I know I will get through this. I know there will be tears but I am at the point that I don’t hide them anymore. Part of caring for myself has been to learn it is not my job to always stuff those feelings aside because they make others uncomfortable. Thank you Becky and all the wonderful people who have shared.
Oh Madeline! I am so sorry for all the pain you’ve gone through the last several years! Praying for you today and over the next few weeks in particular. <3 May God continue to meet you in your grief in ways that will be comforting and healing. Also praying that your birthday will be filled with a new revelation of how much God loves and cares for you, and the grace He continues to provide as He walks this difficult road with you. Virtual ((hugs)) and love to you
I love the fact you see your Dad again. My Dad is 80 is this month no thing in his head about getting saved. Never even goes to Church when they are on and you are able to go. Yes he did send me and my two sisters to Sunday School when small out of duty because he felt it was the done thing to do. He my Dad only goes now to Church if someone has passed away he knows them. I am in my family the only one saved. I would have it no other way. My late Mum I don’t know if she was saved. I prayed for her. Like I do for my Dad and the rest of my family. You can’t tell them they need Jesus or they tell you off. All you can do is live your life for Jesus in front of them. Keep praying for them. My Dad he not say your special or say he loves you. But he ask you how you are. If did well in something he say well done. He tell you good on you for doing that. I always tell my Dad no matter what. When I leave after visiting him. That I love you. See you soon. You get ok see you soon it was lovely to see you. He always ask you how you are doing. God showed me my Dad will change when he gets saved. To say he Loves me. It’s just now he not saved he doesn’t know how to. I don’t want anything from my Dad. The best present he can give me is to see him saved before he leaves this earth. I will keep praying for that. Love today’s reading. Love you all incourage. I pray for you all Dawn Ferguson-Little xx
Aww sweet Dawn, keep loving your dad as you do. At 80, my dad was the prodigal son, still ignoring God through all of his adult years. However, at 87 years old, God orchestrated things so kindly, that led my dad to reconcile with God in a dramatic way. We witnessed before our eyes a spiritual battle. Ultimately, God made it possible for my dad to say ‘yes’ FINALLY after decades of prayer on our part. Honestly, I found it very hard through the years to imagine that he’d ever recommit to the Lord. “What would it take?” we use to ask God. Sometimes we just didn’t pray for it as it seemed so remote. The truth is, God and all these possibilities are far less remote than we may realize. Keep praying. Keep loving and trusting our God of mercy who loves your dad! I pray his story will not end without him saying yes to His Saviour. My dad lived almost one more year after his recommitment to God, and died peacefully at 88. God is authoring our stories!
Thank you. That gives me hope. I will never stop Pray for my Dad. I love him way to much. Like the rest of my family. I love you all incourage. Love Dawn xxx
My beloved grandma passed on January 27th, 2021. My heart feels torn and the pain is real. She was my person. There are moments that I feel so alone in my grief. Thank you for this reminder that I am NEVER alone and that it’s ok to be sad even when we know they’re in a better place. ❤️
Oh Brittany! So sorry for the loss of your beloved grandma. I know it’s still so raw. May God’s love continue to wrap around you like a warm blanket ❤️
Becky, thanks so much for your words of encouragement. Grief is hard and never completely goes away. It’s been almost 43 years since my dad passed away and I still miss him. My mom passed away 22 years ago. My brother and sister both passed away 5 years ago. Most of the time I am okay. Every once in a while I feel so alone. I have no one left who shares my history. God has blessed me with a wonderful husband and great friends.
Hello. I can feel your pain, Becky. My dad died 9 years ago this March. We were close and I still miss him. I have one regret that I was not at his bedside when he breathed his last breath. But I have wonderful memories of our special bonding times after my mom died, which was 10 months before him. He was special.
Thx for sharing your story.
Becky, my mom passed this past Thursday February 4th. She was 89. She lived with my husband and I for the past 3 months on hospice. This fas been hard for me especially because I saw her take her last breath. I try not to think about that and only think of happy memories. It’s still too fresh for me though. But God has seen me through time and again. My faith is made stronger during trials because I know He gets me through.
Oh Betty, so fresh. Know that you’re being held in loving arms right now, and always.
Becky, I have saved your previous writings on your last Easter with your Dad, his memorial service, and feeling swallowed by sadness five years after his death. I often read your reflections when I am in need of encouragement. “Life is not measured by your immunity to brokenness, but by your surrender to the Savior Whom you need because of it.” You are wise far beyond your years, sweet girl, and I am so blessed to know you. I will be adding today’s story to my collection. You are never alone – and so Loved!
My Dad passed away almost seven years ago. I remember when he first passed thinking how am I going to go on each day, how do I keep breathing without him, why is the world still spinning while I am grieving for this remarkable man? Then each day I got out of bed because I had of my three children and my mother. I moved through each day with little to know emotional attachment and then I got a new job and somehow found purpose. Ironically, it was at a Catholic Church as a secretary and slowly I began to live again for me, my family and mother. However, my grief remains but what I tell people now is this. You never get over it. You never stop grieving. You never stop loving them. But, each day is just a different day of living without them, it’s how you choose to live without them that makes both of your lives meaningful. You learn to live each day with your grief and honor your loved one. I can smile now thinking of my Dad but I still cry and that’s okay too.
I especially appreciate that second point about inviting others into your grief. We mustn’t wait for others to respond to us when we’re hurting. They may be so concerned about saying or doing the wrong thing that they keep their distance. Giving them permission to come alongside, to be a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear, is all most family members/friends need to enter in and help bear the sorrow with the grieving.
Inviting others onto my grief. This is what I need to work on.
It’s been 3 years since my mom died but some days it’s like it’s happening all over again. She battled stage 4 lung cancer and I vividly remember the call early that morning from my dad. “It’s close. Come now” and sitting there watching her slip away. I’m hard on myself about grieving. I’m the rock in my family now and she was mine so I feel so lost. I have a hard time inviting others into my grief because I feel so much pressure to be “ok” and just push on. A lot of my anxiety stems from this grief and I’m working on it. Naming it and sitting in it. Thank you for having the courage to share your grief.
Thank you so much for this inspiring letter, it is just what I needed right now. I am always amazed at Gods timing…be blessed.
Becky,
Everyone grieves differently. There is no one way to handle loss. My parents passing didn’t hit me that hard because they had dementia issues for years. I felt the loss of them when it first hit. Last year I lost a beloved pet Iguana Tiny. I was feeding him one minute & then he just passed. He was about 26 years old (90 in human). He had a cataract in one eye & just ate & slept a lot. That was my friend for 16 years. He was there on weekends when hubby was at work. Now hubby & I talk about some of the good old days with them both (we had 2 iguanas & both dead). The day I lost Tiny I invited others into my grief. Told them I was sad.
I agree with feeling emotions. Let the tears fall. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Just human. Definitely invite others into your grief. Let them know that you’re sad & why. We don’t have to put on a brave front. Just be yourself.
Blessings 🙂
My dad passed on January 29, 2021 of Covid pneumonia. He was 66 years old. No underlying conditions and healthy as a horse. Never even had pneumonia before. He fought in the hospital 30 days. This has been a shock to the family and this man was talented musically snd so gifted. He was creative and fun at birthdays and created a spooky tunnel for all the grands to walk though at Halloween. I am his only daughter and a fierce daddy’s little girl. I am heartbroken and although we had a funeral last weekend, I have no closure and still it feels unreal and that he’s really gone. Thank you for your word. I had to go back to work this week and it was so hard.