I was five years old when I sat naked in the empty bathtub of my neighbor’s basement bathroom and asked her why she was stuffing a towel at the bottom of the door. She responded, “I don’t want my dad to know we’re in here.”
The memories of what occurred between me and my thirteen-year-old friend are fuzzy and fractured, but the feeling of shame comes to me vividly.
Not yet in the first grade, shame became my constant companion — a grim shadow that whispered, “You’ll never be good enough or smart enough or pretty enough.” On the days the shadow felt strongest, I felt weakest.
I lived with my shadowy companion and watched as it darkened milestones, celebrations, and relationships. It told me who I was and who I couldn’t be. It told me hope is wishful thinking and love is a fairy tale. It disguised cynicism as realism, and it coached me how to be the best at seeing the worst.
After suffering under shame’s firm hand for many years, I finally looked behind me at the darkness and mustered the courage to pull my shame into the light in front of me. In the light, I could finally see it for what it was.
As a child, I would leap to my bed after turning off the light, imagining the monsters lurking in the dark. As an adult, I find myself still imagining the worst when darkness invades my life. An overactive imagination can shift from the darkness outside of us to the darkness inside of us.
Shame causes us to hide parts of ourselves in the dark where we cannot see the truth. We forget what is true and real about ourselves and believe lies.
I believed things like:
· God won’t forgive me.
· Grace is for other people, not me.
· If people really knew me, they wouldn’t love me.
· This is what I deserve after the choices I made.
In the dark, these lies continue to grow until they smother the truth.
Bringing my shame to the light began with sharing my life story with a small group of women in a healing discipleship program called Freedom Session. As I shared the highs and lows of my life story and fought to keep reading through blurry eyes, the women responded with empathy and acceptance.
The voice of shame that used to snide, “If people really knew you, they wouldn’t love you” was a liar.
That first step gave me the courage to confess every painful, shame-filled part of my life to a friend and then to my husband. It was a deep confession — a painful confession. Yet neither one judged me for what I did or what others did to me.
They showed me grace, forgiveness, and unconditional love — the same things shame had always told me were out of my reach. Knowing the truth set me free (John 8:32), and I experienced a complete healing of my shame. There were no secrets left in my life; there was no fear that I would be “found out.”
That chapter of my life revealed a stark before and after story of dark versus light — of shame versus grace. Having an intimate knowledge of living life in the dark drives me to quick confession now. I still sin and fall short, but it’s easier for me to bring all the ugly parts of myself to God because the sting of conviction and confession pale compared to the pain of sin left to linger in the shadows.
Ken Dyck (the creator of the Freedom Session program) says that sadness, not bitterness, is the healthy response to our past pain. I believe we can say the same for our shame.
When I felt burdened by shame, I couldn’t feel sadness for my past and what I experienced. My shame told me that everything was my fault and I needed to punish myself for it. This deepened the pain and delayed my healing.
When I handed my shame over to God, I received the gift of sadness. We rarely want to feel sadness, but it’s a gift of grace. It allows us to extend God’s mercy and compassion towards ourselves.
If you’ve spent time in counseling or therapy, as I have, your therapist may have prompted you to do an exercise where you picture a moment of your childhood that triggers your pain, shame, or fear. Then, you were told to imagine yourself sitting beside the child you, offering the love and protection that you didn’t feel in the past moment.
It’s a powerful exercise.
It’s an image I bring to my conscious mind whenever I feel overcome by uncomfortable emotions. Sadness for my past drives me to wrap my adult arms around the five-year-old version of me and tell her I love her. Sadness heals what shame destroys.
When we bring our shame into the light, we experience God’s all-encompassing grace that destroys our self-loathing and expands our self-compassion. In the light, we can finally see ourselves — and our pain — through the loving eyes of our Heavenly Father.
Leave a Comment
Lydia says
Thank you for sharing this tough part of your life’s journey with us today. God bless you as you seek to serve Him above all things.
Taryn Nergaard says
Thank you, Lydia. I’m grateful my life is so much more than just that part of the journey
Sadie says
Oh sweet lady! Hugs and more hugs! I too wore shame for many reasons as a child and it would be the reason for my poor choices as an adult… but the grace forgiveness and healing were the blessing God gave to me one day 21 years ago My 20 year old son led me to the arms of Jesus one year after his salvation.. and my other two children followed..God’s will be done no matter what evil creeps in before His child… Praising Him with you for our blessed lives hidden in Christ.. the LIGHT of the world!!! Yes the truth will set us free❣️Thank you for sharing and caring to share with those who need to hear how shame can be kicked to the curb and sadness can hug us to love and have compassion for ourselves and others.. blessed are those who have made the Lord their Hope and confidence Jeremiah 17:7 ❤️❤️❤️
Taryn Nergaard says
“Sadness can hug us to love” — beautiful image, Sadie! Thank you for your kind encouragement, and I’m sorry that shame felt familiar to you too.
Donna says
Taryn, what a horrible experience that must have been for you. 5 years old is way too young to have your innocence stolen. Isn’t it so wonderful to know that God sees and heals our deepest wounds? He loves us no matter what. I am so thankful that He hears and knows what sometimes can’t be put in words.
Taryn Nergaard says
To the extent that our pain & suffering can’t be put in words, neither can the full goodness of our God. I am thankful too! Thanks for connecting, Donna.
Carrie says
I can’t thank you enough for your post this morning! I couldn’t have resonated with someone more…I felt like you were almost telling my story…and the advice you gave is awesome!
It all has been KEY to finding the calm when you get triggered…biggest thing for me is not loosing sight of who I’m traveling on this journey with…He’s the most important piece of the puzzle…without Jesus I would be 6 ft under that’s for sure…!
Peace’Love’Godbless to you and your family, & seriously thanks again for making me feel not alone…feel heard…appreciate you sister in Christ! Keep shining like Jesus, please write more posts;)
Taryn Nergaard says
Carrie, there’s a sadness and a beauty to feeling connected in our pain, isn’t there? Thank you for your kind words. I hope we can connect again.
Tracy Cook says
I was abused by my brother as 5/6 yr old. And told not to tell anyone they wouldn’t believe me.
This has been part of my live and I’m 58. I’m a Christian I’ve forgiven my brother and told him so. However what hits me are episodes of binge eating. I don’t even need to be hungry. I might have just had a bowl of porridge and liked it so made another and another. I do these self destructive things because at the time it makes me happy until I’ve eaten and realised that I’m just self harming
Taryn Nergaard says
I’m so sorry that happened to you, Tracy. Thank you for being vulnerable in sharing a small part of your story with me. Carrying those secrets is a burden we were never meant to carry.
Beth Williams says
Taryn,
Sweet sister. Thank you for sharing a very private part of your past. Doing this will help women know that they are not alone. That there are safe havens & people to talk with about their issues. Shame is just another tool of the evil one. He wants us to feel down & defeated. He prowls around like a roaring lion seeking who he can devour. He uses lies like “not good enough” “can’t be forgiven” “no one will ever love you”. It’s only when we talk to someone about our past & what caused our shame that healing can begin. The devil only works in the dark. “When we bring our shame into the light, we experience God’s all-encompassing grace that destroys our self-loathing and expands our self-compassion.” Yes & AMEN!!
Blessings 🙂
Taryn Nergaard says
Thanks, Beth. Yes, our enemy knows exactly how to attack us through lies and isolation. I’m so grateful to be in a place of truth and connection.
Courtney Slice says
Such a powerful post, thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for the pain you went through at such a young age, especially as it lingered as you became older. The exercise you mentioned is so life-changing. My counsellour encouraged me to do it too for something I went through in middle school, though it was specifically to write a letter to my younger self in that specific moment of what I needed to hear at the time and then read it to myself in the mirror. I have to admit, at first I thought it sounded weird and cheesy, but then I did it and, man, did the tears flow and that sadness I had been avoiding came! But so did the healing. Turns out my counsellour does know what she was talking about. 🙂 I am so so glad you were able to find your healing through that type of exercise too!
Taryn Nergaard says
Yes! It seems so cheesy and uncomfortable, but it sure is good for our souls!