The darkness of my apartment flees as soon as I light the purple Advent candle in front of me. I kneel in front of my coffee table, watching the flickering of the flame. It is late. I always think Christmas comes fast, but this year it’s come ever so slow. As the pace of my life has slowed down this year, my ushering in of Christmas has been slow and steady too.
I watch the candlelight dance, the abstract reflection against my television set. I sing a hymn, and my voice is low and soft; the only other sound in my apartment is the hum of the dishwasher.
O come, O come, Emmanuel.
At once, I find myself crying in the loneliness of my apartment. It is just me, alone, and although I’m alone every night, tonight I can feel it more sharply as I ask Emmanuel to come and be with me.
And yet, the paradox of Christmas is that I know He already is.
I feel as though I don’t have much to offer Jesus this year. I feel tired and worn, and as my candle burns lower, I realize I feel like I’m burning to a waxy stump too.
This year, I decorated my apartment with all I could muster — a tree and lights and lanterns and candles and wreaths and Scripture and dried out oranges I baked in my oven. And even though each morning I wake up to the see the lights sparkle on my tree, even though I watch every Christmas movie I can find on Netflix and drink hot chocolate most evenings and read the Christmas story over and over and over, none of the holiday magic seems to touch the ache inside of me.
It is an ache much deeper than just getting through a horrific year.
It is an ache much deeper than dashed dreams and disappointments.
It is an ache of longing — an ache only God Himself can touch.
As I write this, an eleven-year-old boy struggles to survive in my city. He was hit by a pickup truck yesterday as he walked home from school. I read in an article that the crossing guard flailed his arms, trying to save him. It was no use. The boy’s family holds his hand in his hospital bed today, as the news articles about him are shared over and over. I see his parents’ names circulate my Facebook page hundreds of times, each post begging for prayer and a miracle.
I cry as I pray for him. I don’t know him. I don’t know his parents. But it’s December and a young boy is dying, and it’s not supposed to be this way.
I ask Jesus for a miracle — a Christmas miracle — because doesn’t Hallmark promise that those are the best kind? But the truth is, I don’t know if his family will get their miracle. I don’t know if their Christmas this year will be marked with joy or with sorrow.
Somehow pain hurts so much more at Christmas time. Sorrow clashes against my garland and lights and cheerful songs on the radio.
The candlelight flickers in front of my face, and I think of that young boy. I pray again, asking Jesus to hold him and his parents this Christmas, to breathe the breath of God into his body.
I keep singing O Come, O Come Emmanuel, and I can feel the presence of Emmanuel in my apartment as I sing.
My home feels smaller, quieter. I still ache, but the ache is different now. I can feel the presence of God with me, and tears stream down my eyes — sadness for the boy, exhaustion for our world, but something else, too.
Awe.
As I watch my purple Advent candle continue to light up my apartment, I am struck by the good news of great joy that never fades — even in the midst of sorrow.
There is awe here too —
Awe for a God who put on brown skin and was born on a dark night to a world that would treat Him cruelly.
Awe for a King who deemed the poor in spirit as the most blessed.
Awe for a Savior who saw you and me and decided we were utterly worth saving.
As I pray for the boy, for our world, for miracles of every shape and size, I make space for the awe too.
I take a deep breath, blow out my candle, and everything is dark.
But the Light of the World is coming.
No, He is already here.
Leave a Comment
Mara W says
Beautiful Post. Much needed in the midst of everything. Thank you for reminding me and the world that the light will shine brightest in darkness. Moreover, despite every challenge and obstacle, we are deemed worthy and blessed by God, his Mercy and grace. God has a reason for all that has happened and is happening. His light and love is the beacon in this adverse of seasons. Thank you again for this beautiful Post. Also I pray for the little boy and his parents.
Aliza Latta says
I love what you said, that God’s love and light is a beacon. So beautiful.
Sarah Mayberry says
I, too, am alone this Christmas and the sadness I feel doesn’t compare to the pain in the hearts of those who have loved ones at this moment fighting for life and those who have lost their loved ones to tragic accidents, COVID, cancer, and so many other illnesses. I try to focus on the true meaning of Christmas: the celebration of the Birth of our Savior, Jesus, the Son of God. HIS name alone is above all and only HE can bring us Hope and Peace. I, too, am in Awe.
Aliza Latta says
I am so sorry you are alone this Christmas, Sarah. I am praying that you feel the tangible presence of Jesus with you, reminding you that you are not alone.
Debbie says
So beautiful and encouraging. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Aliza Latta says
Thank you, Debbie! Merry Christmas.
Adrienne Lockhart Roper says
Thank you for a wonderful story that touched my heart and soul. I too feel both sorrow for all the families that lost love ones this year. I also feel the awe of Jesus, and his love for us. All is not lost, Jesus is with us. He promised never to leave us nor forsake us. His joy is what keeps us going. Blessings to you and to all that read your story. Thank you for touching my heart
Aliza Latta says
I am so glad this blessed you today, Adrienne. Merry Christmas!
Kamilah Dugas says
Your post is so beautiful! It reminds me that I am never alone. Have a very blessed wonderful Christmas!
Aliza Latta says
Kamilah – thank you. I am so grateful!
Peggy says
Thank you for sharing your heart. God bless.
Aliza Latta says
Merry Christmas, Peggy.
Kim Waguespack says
Your words read like a prayer. In response, I say, AMEN and THANK YOU.
Aliza Latta says
Thank you so much, Kim. Merry Christmas!
Monya says
Thank you for your story. Many of us feel alone especially during holidays. As I was sitting outside on Dec. 21, watching “the star,” I thought it would be so much better to not be alone…. but a still small voice told me, “you are not alone, I AM here with you.”
Aliza Latta says
Oh Monya, I love that. And I love that you got to see the star… it was a bit foggy where I was, but I loved seeing photos afterward. Merry Christmas!
Aimee reynoso says
I share my story, not for others to say “how tragic and sad” but for all to know that God is truly the one who comforts, strengthens, loves and holds tight. I lost my older brother to suicide years ago on Christmas eve. Yes, it was devastating and hard but even that first year I could feel God’s arms around me, letting me know I would survive this. It took a long time for Christmas to be “normal” again, because from Mid November till January, I was an Emotional wreck. These days I know that Christmas will be bittersweet and that’s ok. I love the Lord with my whole heart and celebrate his birth and cherish all the memories of my brothers life as well- a life gone too soon. I too stand in awe of you Lord, for your saving grace and infinite love for me.
Aliza Latta says
Aimee, I am so sorry. I am praying for you now that God would come near you – indeed, Emmanuel – as you navigate these layers of sorrow this Christmas. Much love to you.
Mara W says
Hello Aimee. I am very sorry for your lost. I too have lost a loved one. Yesterday was the anniversary of his joining God in heaven. my family and I shared memories and regrets. We laughed we cried. We celebrated my dad’s life. He loved to cook, go bowling, dance and karoake. His love of all the aforementioned was passed on to us his children. We can hear all the angels, Jesus and God eating his dishes and commenting “this is the best in the west.” When we hear Andy Williams’ Moon River, we laugh and break out the mics to sing along to our dad’s favorite song. It’s memories like that that keep our dad treasured and alive in our hearts. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Thank you for sharing. Your comment gave me the courage to share. You are beautiful loved strong and enough. Thank you again.
Lynne Molyneaux says
Beautiful post Aliza. In a year that has already been so tough, a friend died suddenly on Monday leaving his wife and young adult kids grieving and in shock. Thankfully he knew the Lord as does his family but the hurt is so great. We are praying for them and will also pray for the young boy you mentioned and his family. And may we all be able to fix our eyes on Jesus this Christmas.
Aliza Latta says
Oh Lynne, I am so sorry. Sudden pain is so unbelievably hard. I am praying for you and his family — may our beloved Jesus be near to all of you.
Tamara says
This is beautiful. The Light of the world is already here. Oh Come, Let Us Adore Him. This year is heavy. So many challenges this year, so many hurting, so many who are separated because of Covid and because of different beliefs that have led to anger.. but we have light. Jesus. The gift that keeps on giving to us, to all. To give us peace, love, joy and hope!! Come Lord Jesus Come! Thank you for sharing such a beautiful message!! Merry merry Christmas
Aliza Latta says
Merry Christmas to you, Tamara! Thank you.
Rachel says
Thank you for a beautiful and timely post! This reminds me of something I realized 2 years ago when I was out walking for much lunch when it was close to Christmas. A funeral procession came out from one of the side streets, and I thought how horrible it was for the family having a funeral and burial so close to Christmas. “Joy to the World” was playing on my ipod right then, and it reminded me once again that horrible things, death most of all, are the real reason Jesus came. Christmas isn’t always a joyful time for people, and that’s why we have it. Without sin and its curse, we wouldn’t have needed it. There is joy for the world in this season, but it isn’t because everything is perfect. It’s because God made a way to fix all the imperfections.
Jeri Carlstedt says
Merci beaucoup ! Très bien dit.
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Aliza,
I can relate to what you are voicing here. My heart remembers good memories of Christmases past, and at the same time it aches for who and what is missing this Christmas. I’ve been watching all the episodes of The Chosen (highly recommend!) to help my heart be reminded that Jesus IS coming again and miracles still do happen. My heart is searching for peace that only comes from knowing the Prince of Peace. It is a bittersweet ache that I can’t quite explain. Thank you for your words that capture what I’m feeling, too.
Blessings and peace this Christmas,
Bev xx
Carol says
Amen. My day stopped when I read this and I too felt the AWE of Emmanuel. Thank you for this beautiful piece. Amen again.
Sandy says
Hi Aliza,
Your words expressed what I’m sure many people are feeling this year. The “awe” you spoke of can be difficult to find in our missing of family and friends. However, you put it so beautifully, a reminder that our hearts need to keep praying about: He is already here.
Thank you and Merry Christmas!
Sandy
Elizabeth says
It was indeed a lovely email, Alita. I pray for the small boy, and for his poor parents. An agonizing time for them, it was such a senseless thing to happen; may the Holy Spirit bring some balm to them, and draw them closer together.
Blessed Christmas, Alita. I hope you have some time with loved ones.
Elizabeth.
Theresa Boedeker says
An ache that only Jesus can fill. And an awe only he brings. Such contrasts and yet so true. Thanks for these beautiful words.
Dianna says
Oh thank you, your words a balm, and important reminder. I too will pray for you and the little boy.
Beth Williams says
Aliza,
I so resonate with your feelings this year. There is so much missing this Christmas. No caroling, making fruit baskets, candle light services at church, etc. Add to that all the sadness that this year has wrought. I felt melancholy Christmas day this year. Missing so many friends & being around death so much (work in hospital). Just didn’t feel right this year. Something was off. We need constant reminders that even though our world seems to be getting darker that Jesus is with us. Listen to “Leaving Heaven” by Matthew West. The second verse says it all You see the world is dark and it needs a light I’m gonna hang a star in the eastern sky So everybody’s gonna know where I touch down I’m leaving Heaven right now. Jesus willingly left the splendor of Heaven to come to broken Earth & save us from our sins. He knows & hears our
hearts’ cries.
Praying everyone had a blessed Christmas!
Blessings 🙂
Joan Munro says
Aliza, What you shared is so painfully authentic! Thank you for having the courage to be vulnerable to the many others who are alone in an apartment, day after day , month after month and year after year can take comfort in the sorrow and awe. Thank you for sharing your heart and hope, even in the darkness! Emmanuel – God is with us. May the Holy Spirit provide you comfort & hope!