A loud laugh escapes my mouth, and I’m surprised by its unfamiliarity. It lifts and relaxes my body and spirit in a way I didn’t realize I needed. My six-year-old’s joke is unexpected in its wittiness and timing, and his face radiates delight over making me laugh so hard. I pull him in close and plant one too many kisses on his cheek, thankful for his sweet love and humor. The first few months of being at home together since the pandemic began were filled with anxiety and fear, grief and the constant tension of being in each other’s space. We longed for time alone while wanting to hold each other close and never let go. We all felt the precariousness of life, especially my son.
And still, somehow, this baby of mine has become a big kid before my own eyes. He understands how to meet others in their sadness, tender to their ache. He knows that being silly can brighten a moment, even if it can’t change the mood for long. He is quick to give hugs, full of energy I often can’t handle, and he reminds me there is hope for good, for joy.
And I need to know that joy is not only possible but that it can abound even now. For months, depression has hung around like a smoky haze during wildfire season. It’s kept me lethargic and unmotivated, struggling to create and keep up with deadlines. Just when I think it’s subsided and I have energy like that of my son’s, the sparks fizzle into nothing, and I’m back to the sluggish pace I wish to escape.
I manage to get done what I need to. I bake bread and play games with my family. I work and decorate the house for quarantine birthdays. I know how to function in survival mode even when I’m not well because I’ve done it so much in my life. I can live life on auto-pilot, and no one would know I’m struggling — not even me.
But laughter breaks me from the trance of survival. It makes me pause to be fully present in the moment with my son and to see that I live in the land of the living right now. It reminds me of how precious life is even while the world burns. Growth has not stopped, death has not taken everything from us, and we are still living.
And living for me right now — and all the time — looks like paying attention and being curious. When unrelenting knots form in my neck the weekend of my wedding anniversary, I pay attention and recognize what a difficult year of healing it has been. I voice my pain and care for myself with kindness. When my son is grumpy and crumbles into tantrums, I offer hugs instead of lectures knowing he feels left out from his sister needing space. When the din of social media and the news becomes louder than my soul can handle, I step away and look for glimpses of the divine.
I look for what will give me life so I can keep going. I ask myself what I need and get help where I can. Sometimes it looks like a video call with my therapist after being triggered by current events. It can look like napping when sleep was elusive the night before. It’s listening to a praise song that sings to me the truth I need to hear. And sometimes it’s as simple as sending a funny meme to a friend because I know she’d find it hilarious. We laugh together over text and agree that internet comedy is one of the many things we’re grateful for these days.
Jeremiah 29:13 says, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
Even when injustices don’t get rectified, when the healing we fervently prayed for doesn’t happen, when evil prospers, if we seek Him, we will find Him. Laughter reminds me that God is here in the complicated mess — a glimpse of the divine. And this is what I see: He is God of justice, God of comfort, God of miracles, God of joy.
Kristen says
Yes and amen!
Joy in the journey!
Evette says
The hope that I have in God and knowing that he will never leave me or forsake me.
Grace P. Cho says
So good, Evette. Holding onto that as well.
Kellie Johnson says
Grace,
Thanks for bringing us into your 2020. Our family suffered a great deal of loss in 2019 and had labeled 2020 a “year of re-set”. As hard as this year has been (dumpster fire), I believe it’s still been a year of re-focus, re-prioritizing, and reminding myself of what’s important. In the heaviness of it all, my (almost) 2 year old grandson has brought laughter and hope to all of us. He has no idea what is going on in our world right now and he is growing in all the best ways right in front of our eyes. He makes me laugh! And laughter is good medicine for us all.
Grace P. Cho says
I love that 2020 has been that for you. Even in the dumpster fire that it is, it has been a clarifying year as well. And aren’t children just the best way to remember there is still good? I’m so glad you have the joy of grandchildren in your life!
arian says
Your example of your son making you laugh reminds me of my own son. My son Izsak (which means “laughter”) is now 23, but oh my gosh…he STILL loves to make me laugh. The twinkly look in his eyes when he does is the BEST! And yes, laughter is amazing. It’s by far my favorite thing to do. Especially now. May you keep finding those moments!
Grace P. Cho says
What a perfect name!
connie ker says
I find joy as a 72 year old widow with type 1 diabetes, by riding an adult tricycle or walking around the neighborhood. God’s world is filled with autumn colors and I can visit with neighbors keeping a distance. Exercise is good for the physical, but it is also good for the mental and spiritual. I can pray for people on my bike as they come to mind, as well as my family. The year 2020 has rocked our world and everyone has been affected in some way. Before this happened, I was given a Bible verse by another widow which is Isaiah 54:5-6. Remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your maker is your husband, the Lord Almighty is His name. Comfort & Joy
Grace P. Cho says
Riding an adult tricycle sounds so awesome! And amen to that Isaiah verse. May He be your Husband and Joy.
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Grace,
Our God is a God of joy (and laughter)…Yes! A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. (Proverbs 17:22)
Blessings,
Bev xx
Suzanne says
Thank you for your honesty. For your willingness to share a glimpse into the tender parts of your life. I have suffered from bipolar depression and anxiety for over 15 years. I have been a follower/disciple of Jesus since 1997! I feel like the secular world believes that if you are a Christian you should not have these problems, heck, I think the Christian community for the most part thinks you shouldn’t either. But, like you, I know the truth is that we are all broken. We all struggle in different ways. The problem is when we allow the struggle to stay hidden in the dark like satan wants it to. This is where his power and stronghold is on us. This is where the shame, guilt, anxiety, depression, and misunderstandings all grow. It is only when we do as you have done, share our struggles and bring them into the light, that their grip loses its strength! So, thank you!
Beth Williams says
Suzanne,
I agree totally with what you said. The Christian community can be hardest on its people. They say things like just have more faith, or pray harder & it will go away. Not always the truth. Sometimes it can a chemical imbalance or some other physical problem. Often times therapy or medication will aid in the healing. Talking about your struggles not only helps you but others as well. They can learn that they aren’t alone. Praying you have more good days than bad & that 2021 is a better year for all of us.
((((((((Hugs))))))))
Grace P. Cho says
Amen!!
Barb kreun says
Beautiful Honest Words that I will go to my quiet place and ponder upon!
Janet Williams says
This blog gives me joy! Every morning I’m taken into a wonderful place at (in)courage. Every single post brings me front and center with God. I laugh. I cry. I ponder. I pray. I clean my house. I call a friend. Thank you sisters…each and every one of you.
Have a wonderful blessed day!
Grace P. Cho says
I’m so glad, Janet!
Carla King says
Thank you. I felt as if I looked into a mirror when I read this, except that I haven’t allowed myself so much grace and love, or naps. A good reminder to do so. And, my 7yo son tells some great jokes as well.
Grace P. Cho says
I hope you keep finding grace for yourself every day, Carla!
Nancy Ruegg says
I’ve kept a gratitude journal for more than 3 1/2 years–just one item per day most of the time. There’s joy in the choosing (while I review possibilities) and in the writing. Even during these months of self-isolation and missing face-to-face, hug-to-hug contact with family and friends, even during this time of political upheaval and social unrest, there is still MUCH to be thankful for. Praise God for his faithfulness!
Grace P. Cho says
I hear having a gratitude journal is life-changing. I’m so glad it’s allowed you to find joy even in the midst of everything that’s going on now!
Crystal Storms says
“Laughter … a glimpse of the divine.” Love that, Grace.
I call our dog, Minnie, my joy giver. Whether she’s snuggling close, snoring in her bed, or inviting me to chase her, she brings me joy.
Grace P. Cho says
We’ve come so close to adding a pet to the family because we’ve seen so many friends enjoy the companionship of fur friends. I’m glad you’ve got Minnie to bring you joy and comfort!
Jennifer Haynie says
Grace,
Beautiful post! What’s giving me joy is being out in God’s creation. On my walk this evening, I truly enjoyed the leaves, the smell of fall, the beautiful temperatures.
Grace P. Cho says
Love nature. Please enjoy the fall doubly for me since living in Southern CA doesn’t let me experience all 4 seasons!
Wemi Omotosho says
This post blessed me a lot, thank you for sharing. I too, am learning to “ask myself what I need and get help where I can” with health challenges and everything going on this year. I’m grateful that “God is here in the complicated mess” bringing joy and laughter.
Grace P. Cho says
Yes, can’t wait for others to read your post this week!
Wemi Omotosho says
Thanks Grace!
Beth Williams says
Grace,
Life can be hard & challenging. 2019 was a year of change-some good some not so good. We lost my FIL Monday before Thanksgiving. Christmas was hard, but thankful MIL’s family was/is here to help her. This year has been hard in different ways. Hubby got furloughed for a few weeks, then several people quit his department making others work more. My job hours have flip flopped also. I seem to have lost my joy. I do what I can to stay focused on God because He can alleviate all this pain & agony we seem to be suffering. For me to get my happy back & stay on track I read the Bible daily, do some on line Bible studies. But what really helps is laughter. I start silly pillow fights with hubby. That will get us both laughing for a while & we feel refreshed.
Blessings 🙂
Grace P. Cho says
Pillow fights with your husband sounds so fun. Sometimes silliness is exactly what we need for trying times!