There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed or play with my kids or put on real clothes. My mind feels empty and real conversation feels far too hard. I wake from a daze and find myself giving the kids a bath or reading books or playing marbles and I wonder, “How did I get here?”
There are days when I can’t sleep at night, where thoughts torment me, and I find myself huddled on the bathroom floor, weeping and wishing life didn’t have to be this way.
Nights are filled with Zoom calls, and deadlines feel all the more impossible to meet.
This is quarantine life.
I’m a working mom with no hours during the day to get work done, a woman of color with no physical community to grieve and mourn with, an introvert and an internal processor, who probably bottles up far more emotion than I should. But one day passes and another day comes, and everything starts all over again.
And then the guilt creeps in. I love my kids more than anything in this world. So why am I so impatient with them all the time? Why can’t I just put the deadlines on hold and enjoy the moment? Yes, we’re still in quarantine, but it can’t be that hard to have fun around the house? Shouldn’t I just be grateful to have a house in the first place?
I stare at my body and struggle to see the beauty. Four months with shelter-in-place stripped away all of my new year’s resolutions to better care for my health. But I also fear going outside. Our city has one of the worst positivity rates for COVID-19 in the country, and my son has respiratory issues. The risk is just far too great. But what mom really works out at home? I get one minute into an exercise, and my baby girl demands I hold her. Or it’s nap time. Or it’s lunch time. Or all that movement has upset my bladder and now I need to use the restroom because birthing two kids will do that to you.
My prayers have become smaller lately too. I’ve spent months praying for justice, for the healing of our nation, for systemic change, and for hearts and minds to be changed. Nowadays, I pray for sleep, for one foot to step in front of the other, to make it through each day. Days are not measured in terms of success but by moments of mercy and relief — by those small, precious moments where I can smile and laugh and forget the troubles of the morning.
Tears are ever ready to flow these days. The tiniest altercation on a good day can suddenly make me feel enraged. I’m exhausted by my own emotions and the weariness of my own heart.
But I’m still here. I’m still breathing and fighting and choosing to make it through another day.
The Lord is my Shepherd, even though I am still feel left wanting. The Lord is my Peace, and it is only because of Him that “in peace, I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety” (Psalm 4:8). I might not feel like I’m doing anything great these days, but I can keep choosing to cast my cares before God and commit to sleeping and waking on repeat.
Sometimes, that is enough.
I can keep choosing to cast my cares before God and commit to sleeping and waking on repeat. Sometimes, that is enough. -@drmichellereyes: Click To Tweet Leave a Comment
Michelle, I am right there with you friend. It took a whole lot of praying and Jesus to push myself through the motions to get out of bed this morning. This is a really hard place to be in addition to a season of motherhood that takes a lot of out you, on a good day.
I’m praying for you right now — that God’s mercy will feel new to you this morning. I am asking for His peace to wash over both of our weary hearts and minds. For His patience and delight in the little moments, and for our deadlines to be met and more margin to be created so we don’t feel pulled in so many directions. You are doing good mama: sleeping, showing up in your life and making it through another day, on repeat. Thank you for reminding me that’s enough.
I thought I was alone in my struggles. Thank you all for sharing. Let us all keep dropping our cars at Jesus feet. He will pick them up and carry them for us all.
You are not alone, sister! Yes, let’s lay our burdens down together at Jesus’ feet. He cares for us. He cares for you!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I too struggle to get out of bed every morning. I used to walk every morning and now fear going outside. I now go out only two times a week for groceries and a 30 minute walk. While I understand God did not give us a spirit of fear there is so much going on around us that it rears its ugly head as we try to make sense of understanding the terms quarantine, social distancing, wear a mask, new normal, and social injustice. It really is a lot to process but I have to believe that God has a greater purpose that we will just have to trust that Him one day at a time no matter how hard we struggle to believe. May He give you peace and may you feel His love every morning when you rise to face another day Michelle. Blessings
It doesn’t matter that I’m not squeezed by the exact same stresses you are not being a mom, but your encouragement to chose to cast your cares on God & commit to sleeping & waking on repeat being enough is awesome. Small tasks on repeat are the thread of these days/months/year But God ( two best words ever!) is faithful & true to see us through. He is our strength for it all! Bless you!
Michelle,
I have often wondered how I’d be coping if my two adult children were still young and under my feet? The season of littles is challenging enough without tossing in a pandemic. Even without small children at home, there have been days where the tears have flowed and the only prayer I can utter is, “Jesus, help.” I believe that sometimes our self-sufficiency needs to be so whittled down that we literally need the Lord to get us through the next ten minutes. It’s in this place wherein we learn what it means to totally and utterly rely and depend upon the Lord. If we have any strength left, then the success glorifies us. When the strength is gone and we have to allow Him to be our strength to survive, then He gets the glory. May God bless you (and others) to give you His peace, comfort, and strength to keep puttting one foot in front of the other. That, in and of itself, is victory.
Blessings,
Bev xx
I eat sugar-free, gluten-free, low-fat, exercise daily, and sleep at least eight hours and was feeling the same way. My functional medicine doc and primary doc both tested me for adrenal fatigue and discovered my cortisol levels are extremely low. Stress causes adrenal fatigue, and so many people today are dealing with so much stress professionally, economically, and personally. My functional medicine doc put me on supplements for adrenal support and kidney stress, and four days later, I felt like my old self again. I still am weary in the mornings because it just takes time to recover from adrenal fatigue but am feeling so much better. My functional medicine doctor works with patients remotely across the country. So many of my former students, parents, colleagues, gym members, and friends are working with her. She has definitely been called by God to heal people naturally and is a woman of strong faith.
Please give me the name and contact information of your function al Dr. !
Thanks! If you need to email me, it’s posted. Thanks! Rita
O my goodness, could you please send me her information. I have been searching for someone like this. My prayers would be answered.
Please let me know your functions Drs email, this sounds right.
I too am on gluten free – 95% sugar free and I do exercise when I can motivate, sometimes its just a walk.
Thank-you and God Bless you for sharing
Hi, thank you for your sharing. I have same issues but also sugar addiction. I would like the info to connect with your doctor. Thank you, God bless. Laurel
Please give me your functional doctor info as well. My email is katjam4233@yahoo.com
Thank you so much!
Kathleen
Oh sweet-over-the-screen-friend! Thank you for sharing your heart! What tough times, cleansing times, you are going through. I will add you to my prayers each week, that God would grant you the peace and joy that you need to get through the journey you are on. Do not lose heart, do not lose faith. He is near you and helping you even when things aren’t “as they need-to-be, or as we thought they should be”! As you lean and learn in our Father, may you be blessed! Remember to claim the blood of Jesus over your day, over your room, over your moments…out loud!!! Satan is working extra hard to disturb the Christian’s stand. He does not want any to follow the God of our Universe and will push any button that will get us down! Keep trusting! Keep hoping! Keep resting!
Hugs across the screen and the miles!
Thank you, Lydia, for your encouraging words! I love that we can be over-the-screen friends! Thank you for your prayers. I hope my story can be an encouragement to fellow sisters here at (in)courage. May we all keep leaning in to our Father and trusting in him.
Michelle: “The Lord is my Shepherd, even though I am still feel left wanting.” Yes. Yes. Yes. You honesty is beautiful and your faith — your continuing to choose to trust God when life continues to be hard — encourages all of us to trust God, too. Praying for you today, even as I put one foot in front of the other and remember who God is. Thanks for reminding me.
Thank you, Beth!
Thank you Michelle for your story! Though I do not have small children and I am retired, I too struggle with “What Now”? Another day of the same. But I GET to have another day and thank God for that. I struggle with loneliness after the death of my husband and my only child is grown and forgets her mom. I am surrounded with the love of my church family and am grateful to God for what I do have. Michelle, you are doing fine and may God continue to bless you! Also thank you Sue for sharing the cause of your fatigue. I too struggle with fatigue every day. I have had blood tests and they were normal, but perhaps I could look into adrenal fatigue and low cortisone levels. I believe the stress and fear of this current world overwhelms me at times. I know God is in control, however, I can not stop the fear inside. May God bless all of you. Be strong in the Lord and be grateful. Above all be safe!
Dear Trina, I am retired, too and struggle with some of these fatigue issues as well. I exercise and eat mostly healthy but this sheltering in is very trying. I have a frozen left shoulder right now and sleeping is very sketchy. I’m quarantined from my middle daughter in Colorado and her two sweet daughters. And my hospice volunteer work is all on hold. We are able to interact with our two Oregon daughters, so I’m blessed in that way. We live on 10 acres, so I have nature’s beauty right outside my door. I know I have countless blessings, but still the days are hard. So thankful to have the Lord and you ladies in my life! Thank you!
God bless you, Itene!
Amen, Trina! I love the way you say, “I GET to have another day and thank God for that.” That is so good. Sometimes, we have to focus on the little blessings in the everyday mundane. God meets us there. He provides and he is enough.
Thank you, Michelle, for your integrity, strength and honesty. Your words are a blessing to us.
Hi Sharon! Thanks so much for your encouraging words. We are in this together!
As I read your your writing I almost cried because I so felt your pain. I pray God grant you His peace that surpasses all understanding. I pray that this too shall pass. I jokingly told my son the other day, “I feel like the movie, Groundhog Day, each day is a repetition of the day before.” There are days when you can’t help wondering, When will we be able to move on with our lives, yet when we look at the news, it seems it will be for a while still. This is when we need to choose to live one day at a time. I can deal with today, but don’t make me try to look at tomorrow when tomorrow still seems so hazy. Each day will bring its own troubles, joys, worries, etc, so I only have the energy to deal with today. You are not alone! In Ephesians 4, we are exhorted and motivated to look at all the good things that are worthy of praise and to put our mind on these. Then it tells us not to be anxious but rather to present everything to our Lord in prayer and supplication with thankfulness to our Lord. And then the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. May we apply and put into action these verses during these trying times.
Oh my goodness – yes! It DOES feel like Groundhog day. Oh, Miriam, I’ve been in tears today too. Life is just hard these days. Thank you for your encouragement. I am clinging to our God of peace. I know he cares for me. And he cares for you!
Almost like reading a page from my own journal.
Hey Priscilla! I hear you. You’re not alone. I think so many of us are feeling this way these days. I hope and pray that sharing a glimpse of my life right now will encourage women like you to keep taking one step at a time. God is with you, sister!
Michelle, the honesty and integrity of your writing really moved my heart. I am retired, and have two grown children with teens or young ones at home. I am not able to see them during these “sheltering in” days. I miss them so much, and wish that I could give the parents a break. Put one foot in front of the other. The Lord is holding your hand, and will carry you on the days you are so tired.
Your experience echoes mine: retired, missing my grandchildren greatly, and wishing I could help out the parents also. Living with a pandemic is even harder on them. I am very thankful for FaceTime, for social media and the blogosphere where we can connect with family and friends in spite of isolating ourselves. Glad this didn’t happen several decades ago when we were limited to snail mail and expensive long distance phone calls!
Yes, indeed! Praise God for FaceTime and social media and all these digital ways to connect with family and loved ones right now. It’s good to count the little blessings.
Praise God! I’m so glad to hear my story encouraged you. That was my hope. It’s not always easy to be this open and raw, especially on the internet. But, yes, the one thing I can trust in is that God is with me and will be there with me one step at a time.
Michelle, what you are accomplishing is more than enough. You are fighting your way through each day, affirming that God is your Peace, casting your cares upon Him while repeating the same mind-numbing chores and repetitive child care responsibilities day after day. You ARE a strong, persevering conqueror!
Thank you, Nancy! God is my peace. Yes, he is! Sometimes, I find myself just praying, “God, give me your peace today.” He hears our simple prayers <3
Michelle…… I really feel for you and your pain…….you are very brave just to show up every day! I think what you’re doing for your family is wonderful and commendable! And that your leaning on God! I too will keep you in my prayers! May the. Good Lord give you the much needed relief and Mercy ! Hang in there! God will not give us more than we can bear! Love in Christ Jesus! Lauren
Thank you, Lauren, for your prayer and encouraging words! I receive them and it means so much. I pray that my honesty and real life talk is a hope and encouragement to other women right now.
MIchelle,
Sweet sister-prayers for God to give you strength to endure. Life is hard enough most days-add in a pandemic stay at home, etc & it can feel draining. Days can feel long & you ponder if you are making a difference or just going through the motions. You wonder if all the little/big chores really matters. Stephen C. Chapman has a song “Do Everything.” It talks about doing doing mundane chores/life to the glory of God.
Chorus: While I may not know you, I bet I know you Wonder sometimes, does it matter at all? Well let me remind you, it all matters just as long A s you do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you ‘Cause He made you to do Every little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face
Tell the story of grace with every move that you make And every little thing you do
Keep on moving & doing the best you can for His glory.
Blessings 🙂
Lord, please give Michelle enough for today. Help her to feel your arms around her. Keep her family safe amid this storm we call COVID-19. Lord, we ask for healing of the strife in our land. We know you are the only one that can heal the hurts. Help us to depend on you more.
I read this the other day and have prayed for the author. I actually prayed several times and at church. I was concerned, because I see the theme of depression , anxiety, and stress of the author and others who responded.
Therefore, if I am given another e-mail… I would be willing to share my coping strategies .I do believe that. the Lord allows us to go through things to help others. I have learned from experience…. things that help me deal with stress. If you think what I share is valuable, you can share if.
If you publish… you could give me a substitute name . I do not want to give identifying clues to tell reveal people I have had dealt with.