I stared at the computer screen, blinking back tears as my eyes took in the images of my daughter proudly showing off the tooth she had lost that day. I wanted to reach my arms through the screen, hug my girl tight, and tell her how excited I was. But I couldn’t. Instead, I sat in the small computer lab housed in the wing of the mental hospital where I was an inpatient for the first time and felt waves of hopelessness and despair wash over me.
Depression had led me to this place — dark thoughts having run away with all reason and logic — and I knew I needed to be here to be safe. But that did not change the fact that I knew what I was missing at home. At night when I was alone in my bed in the psych ward, I would think about my girls and worry that I was ruining them for life by being gone and being ill. I worried that I would never be able to be the mom I thought I should be. How could I, when I was barely hanging on to life itself?
I thought of all the moments I was missing. My two-year-old was adding new words to her vocabulary all the time, and my eight-year-old was deep in the thick of third grade, learning and growing and losing precious teeth without me. Though hope was low and my fears were high, I prayed and begged the Lord to take care of my girls. While in the midst of my despair, I felt foolish hoping that God could redeem the time that I was missing. I pleaded with Him to work in my oldest daughter Charlotte’s heart especially. She was a fairly new follower of Christ, and I didn’t want my time away to be something that damaged her faith. There are so many challenges with becoming a young woman of God, and my heart ached with the thought that I was making it even harder for her.
The second time I was discharged from a psychiatric hospital, I knew it wasn’t the end of my journey. The therapist I met with daily told me I needed further treatment and recommended I look into residential programs, something I didn’t even realize existed. After doing some research I knew that residential treatment could be beneficial, but once again my thoughts turned toward my family. I had already been gone on two separate occasions, and now I was looking at spending an entire month away. After my husband and I decided that I would go, I still felt the weight of my decision hanging over my family and wrestled with whether or not I was doing the right thing. In the end, I did the only thing I knew to do: pray and trust that the Lord was guiding my steps.
The weekend before I was scheduled to leave for the residential facility, I was putting away clothes in Charlotte’s room when I saw the note she had pinned to her memo board. There in her neat, school-girl script were these words: “Mom has depression, but I will praise the Lord.” Tears immediately sprung to my eyes, and I gave thanks to God for giving me this glimpse into my girl’s heart. Not only was the Lord shepherding my heart through this difficult journey of depression, but He was also shepherding Charlotte’s heart. He was helping her to see that sometimes the truest expression of praise comes from a heart that has felt deep hurt and lived to see the goodness of the Lord in the midst of the struggle. He was helping her to see that though we can’t always choose our circumstances, we can choose our response to those circumstances. A heart that loves Him is a heart that praises Him through it all.
At that moment I realized that while my depression was a sad and difficult road to walk, I didn’t walk it alone, and neither did my daughter. Indeed, we were both being carried by our Savior, and He was using each step on the path to make us more like Him. I didn’t need to worry about what would happen to my girls while I was away. Even though I knew my love for my daughters was imperfect, Christ’s perfect love more than made up for what I lacked. When I couldn’t be there for them, I knew God always would be. God’s Word promises that “whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty,” (Psalm 91:1 ESV) and that we will find refuge under His wings. I can think of no better place to be than in His everlasting arms.
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Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Erin,
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I have lived with anxiety and depression my whole life and right now I am estranged from my adult daughter because she blames me and my failings due to mental illness for everything that is wrong in her life. It hurts terribly. Praise that your daughter, at such a tender age, can praise God even in the midst of the storm. I know God is at work in your life and in the lives of your family. That same God is at work in mine. Even when there isn’t resolution or the outcome I would like (reconciliation), still I will praise Him. Praying for you sweet sister and I applaud you for getting help for an illness (not a faith or character flaw). Thank you for bringing awareness to the plight of those of us who suffer. God promises, “I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you.” John 14:18
Blessings,
Bev xx
Erin Mount says
Thank you for reading and for sharing, Bev. I said a prayer just now that you and your daughter might reconcile. I know that is a deep wound.
Katie Randolph says
Thank you so much. I walk through my own anxiety and depression. I also walk through my spouse’s drug resistant depression, suicidal ideoogy, anxiety, and many other physical disabilities. Most recently 4 surgeries in 4 days to save his leg. Finding out he was diabetic when we didn’t know. I can’t be with him due to covid. God holds us both. Thank you
Darlene says
Praying for you sweet Sister that you may feel his comfort and His love in these hard times. I too know what it is like to suffer with anxiety and depression and helps me relate so much better to you. My heart ❤️ feels your pain with you. Praying for healing for your husbands leg as well. May the Lord draw you close to His heart.
Erin Mount says
Yes, God does hold you both! Thank you for taking the time to read and share your own story.
Beth Williams says
Katie,
Sweet sister praying for you both. May God send His healing touch to your lives. Asking God to give you His love, comfort & peace. God will hold you in the palm of His hands & guide you on this journey.
((((((((Hugs))))))))
Courtney says
Thank you for sharing this. I also have anxiety and depression and have been put on meds for it. Thankfully my husband supported me for it even though he didn’t know how to empathize with me because he’s never dealt with it. I have prayed and cried many times asking God to please fill in where I lack and protect my son’s heart from my shortcomings. Through this, I have felt His presence and I know He’s got this and He has you too.
Erin Mount says
I am so thankful you have a supportive husband. That can make all the difference. And what a blessing to know that God makes up for what we lack!
Ruth MacNaughton says
I was up early this morning, struggling with my circumstances, and needing to seek God and find encouragement. I read this post and it resonated with me! Thank you for sharing this! I have a 6 year old sweet girl with a massive brain injury from birth who is blind, non-verbal, tube fed, has seizures, and is quadriplegic. She is medically complex and we have many challenges. I also have a very busy and healthy 3 year old active boy. My husband is gone for 4 weeks at a time and I’m on my own. I have so much guilt about all the things I can’t do with my 3 year old because taking my special needs daughter out is too hard and unpleasant for her. I feel guilty about the lack of adequate stimulation for my daughter. I’m blessed with good friends but worry about being too needy or wearing them out so it’s hard to ask for help. I myself have serious health issues after 6 years of high stress, sleeplessness caring for a special needs child who was suffering and in so much discomfort but couldn’t tell us why. Thank you for this reminder! To dwell in His shelter! Yes! That is where I want to be!! Thank you!
Praying for you and each person that has commented! We may not understand the challenges of our journey but we can trust God to be with us!
J says
Ruth I am praying for you and your family!
Erin Mount says
I said a prayer just now for you and your family. You are walking a hard road, but I know God is faithful. I am thankful you have good friends in your life. Don’t be afraid to make your needs known to them. God’s people are His provision to us!
Beth Williams says
Ruth,
Sweet sister praying for you & your family now. Asking God to walk with you & guide your steps each day. Take it one day/minute at a time. God will provide the assistance you need. Continue asking for help. The body of Christ loves to lend a helping hand to those in need. There is so much we can to to help you. Let God show you how generous He can be by providing all your needs & assistance. Asking for peace & comfort for you as well.
((((((((Hugs))))))))
Michele Morin says
Beautiful! So often God uses my own children to shepherd my heart, a humbling experience, but a gift from God’s hand.
Erin Mount says
Yes, very humbling indeed. Thank you for reading!
Dawn Ferguson-Little says
You Erin you remember you are loved no matter what. You will get through this. Your Family Husband and Kids will always have you back as they will always Love you as you are precious to them. You will one day be able to say to the Old Devil with God’s help and the people who are trained that God sent to get the help from. I have beaten this. Yes it will take time. But in God perfect timing you will do it. Your Husband and kids will be so proud of you. I know they are so proud of you now. As you are getting along with God the help you need. Some people don’t get help. They think they can and will do it on their own. People some time Judge people with Depression. I don’t we are not to judge anyone with anything. We especially if saved. We are to do what Jesus would want us to do that is pray for them and love them at all times. That is what I will do. That is say a prayer for you and your family. I am so proud of you for going getting help. I know God is to. Plus your Husband. Do if never if get a chance look up the Father love letter on line if not heard it before. You get it on YouTube. Just type in The Father’s Love Letter. It will tell you what God really thinks of you. You also remember you are a Daughter of the king and that king is Jesus. He loves you so much. You are special to him. Just like you are to your Husband and kids. I know people with Depression. It not nice what they go through. Listing to them not nice. They are saved. We could say were is this God you believe in. Why is he not helping you get through this. Or taking the Depression away. Ours is not to ask theses questions. Just be there for them and be a friend to them and listen to them. Pray for them if they want us to be there for them. But never Judge them. Always love them no matter what like Jesus would. Remember Jesus is with you at all times. As it says in his word he will never leave you not for sale you. Like the song. “Jesus love me this I know for the Bible tells me so”. Same goes for you and all of us. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little xx
Erin Mount says
Thank you for this sweet encouragement, Dawn!
Kelly G says
Thank you, Erin, for your transparency and not sugar-coating your struggles. And thank you, (in)courage for publishing this.
Erin Mount says
Thank you so much for reading, Kelly!
Missy Robinson says
This reminds me of God’s protection of me during the time my own mother has struggled with depression. She spent six weeks in a residential facility during my first grade year. I remember the comfort of my grandma, who came to be with us, getting to eat out when we went to visit her on the weekends (a treat for us back then) and other little joys. God kept me close and I didn’t fear or worry.
Erin Mount says
What a sweet blessing and provision your grandma was. Thank you for sharing that story. It blessed me today!
Missy Robinson says
Indeed, God always fills the gaps where we fall short. He did in my life, He will in yours and for your girls!
Shreya says
Gratitude for all of you beautiful sisters sharing your personal stories. I am so inspired and humbled by how you continue to trust in the Lord through tough struggles. I pray the Lord blesses each of you and your families. He is with you all the way. Thank you so much for sharing.
Erin Mount says
Thank you so much for reading!
Stephanie says
Thank you so much for sharing Erin. Just said a prayer for you and your precious family. May God hold you all tight in His mighty arms and work everything out for your good. Amen ❤️ Love to you friend ❤️
“For I know the plans I have for you. Declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11 ❤️
Erin Mount says
Thanks for praying and sharing that verse!
Holly says
Erin and all you others who commented about your depression and anxiety struggles, I admire all of you so much for speaking about your struggles, seeking help, holding on to faith, and encouraging each other!
I hid my depression and anxiety for decades, although it was impossible to hide from my husband and kids. As a ministry wife, I felt added pressure to have it all together, and that owning up to depression somehow would show to others that I wasn’t a good enough Christian.
Only recently did circumstances drive me to therapy, and it was the best thing I could ever have done! Oh how I wish I had done it years ago, but I’m so glad I finally did.
Shout out to all of us seeking help and holding on to our faith through life’s harsh dealings! And ALL PRAISE to our Heavenly Father who is faithful, even when we are faithless, and who never leaves us or forsakes us!
Erin Mount says
Amen, Holly! So thankful you got the help you needed. Therapy is a lifesaver!
karyn j says
holly,
what you wrote resonated with me. people can’t see pressure, feelings, or emotions, but they are there. i commend you for going to therapy and i’m glad it was a positive step! i recently started going to therapy again and i’m glad i did as well. the stigma attached to therapy breaks my heart. in truth, we all need someone to talk to. thank you for sharing and i’m so glad it has been beneficial to you!
Indiane says
Erin, this was an amazing post. Thank you for sharing something so personal. It’s really hard – especially for women, especially for moms – to get help for ourselves. I remind myself of the instructions you get when on a plane to put your mask on first before you tend to your child or someone else…yet it’s beyond difficult to take that step. Most times moms are the glue that holds the family and everyone else together regardless of whether we feel cracked into a million pieces. Therapy has benefited be twice before. The last time I went I really didn’t like my therapist. Thankfully I only had to go a few times but I prayed to God to please, please, cancel my appointment! Thankfully He is much wiser than I because on that very visit she said something to me that just flipped a switch – It made the biggest difference and continues to resonate with me to this day! And I’d always balked at taking medication but after a face-slapping medical diagnosis a few years ago I knew I needed some help. Again, God for the win! He keeps me together, reassures me that no matter what, He loves me just as I am and will NEVER let me go! Praying for you and the other readers…
Erin Mount says
Thank you so much for reading and for sharing part of your own story!
Beth Williams says
Erin,
Thank you for sharing a very personal story. One that the church needs to hear over & over. People with mental illness should not be ashamed. Seeking help is the best way to treat this. There are lots of folks out there with these problems & you have just told them me too. You are not alone in your struggles. You hit the nail on the head with “Sometimes the truest expression of praise comes from a heart that has felt deep hurt and lived to see the goodness of the Lord in the midst of the struggle.” After dealing with geriatric psych with my dad & see him get healed-my faith & trust muscles were grown. Now I praise God continually. It is through trials & the outcomes that mold Us & make us appreciate & glorify God that much more. Praying for you & y our sweet family!!
Blessings 🙂
Erin Mount says
Thank you for your prayers and encouragement!
karyn j says
i applaud you erin! that couldn’t have been easy, but i commend you for knowing what you needed and doing it. i can’t begin to imagine how hard it was to make that decision, but you did what you had to do to work on you. and thank you for sharing your truth and struggle with us! mental health is not addressed or discussed enough and people often feel ashamed for their human struggles. so thank you for speaking on it and possibly encouraging someone to take steps they were hesitant about taking. you are courageous!
Erin Mount says
Thanks for this encouragement, Karyn! I shared my story in the hopes that it will help remove some of the stigma around mental health.
Emily Perez says
OH Erin!
Sweet Charlotte! I have been in Charlotte’s shoes. My mom has struggled with depression for most of my life. I wish she had taken the steps to address her depression as you have done. I am so thankful for your life and how vulnerable you are to share your journey. You are a blessing friend! I am lucky to get to call you friend.