I still remember our first Thanksgiving after my husband Ericlee died. My family tried to hold it together. We tried to stay the course with certain traditions, but it was clear everything was off-kilter.
He wasn’t there to run the Turkey Trot. He wasn’t wearing his silly apron in the kitchen, helping me chop the butternut squash for the soup. He wasn’t there to say the Thanksgiving blessing prayer. We tried to make conversation around the table, but it felt strained, awkward, even empty without his presence.
Looking back, I wish I spoke up when things felt wonky. My heart was heavy, but I couldn’t push to find the words to articulate it. As a newly single mama, I was cracking inside for my three girls who were without their gregarious daddy. I saw my family stumbling through the holidays as our gatherings lacked his leadership, but I knew I could never fill his shoes.
Now I know it takes time for a family to recalibrate when someone dies.
We need to blanket ourselves and others with grace. We need to make space for the emotions and the grief. We need to give ourselves permission to throw out or reinvent some of the traditions for the sake of our souls.
Since Ericlee soared to Heaven, I’ve learned to carve out intentional time to cherish his memory with my girls. That first Christmas without him, we ended up re-imagining some of our traditions. Ericlee would always wear a Santa hat while we decorated the house. Now my new husband Shawn or one of my daughters dons the hat.
When we decorate our tree, we take time to linger over the ornaments and share stories about him as we hang each one. It’s not the loud, festive tradition we once had with Christmas carols blaring in the background and Ericlee’s blazing voice, but it’s our own way of including his memory.
I know many of you may be tiptoeing into this holiday season feeling raw and vulnerable. That miscarriage you experienced a few months ago, that recent cancer diagnosis, that child estranged from your family, the death of your spouse or grandparent, the unspeakable injustices raging in our world – all these griefs weigh heavy on your hearts.
This is not the time to plaster on a cheery face, to go through the motions and shut down our emotions.
This is the not time to turn away from our grief; it’s time to draw close and offer the present of our presence to each other.
This is the time to muster up the courage to sit together, to weep with each other, to listen to each other’s stories, to rejoice in the new beginnings, and the unexpected gifts. Friends, let’s vow to lean in together, to embody Immanuel for one another.
“Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son,
and they shall call his name Immanuel” (which means, God with us).
Matthew 1:23 (ESV)
This next week you may be throwing a football in the front yard or sitting down at the table with family to carve up a turkey or to feast on Grandma’s famous pumpkin pie. Our family will celebrate our fifth Thanksgiving with my beloved in Heaven. We are deeply grateful for all the things God has redeemed. I can honestly say that joy tips the scale more often, outweighing the sadness in our home. That’s the truth.
What’s also true is that sometimes the tears still spill over, the memories overwhelm, and grief sashays into the room when we least expect it. And that’s okay too. We are ready in our hearts for this wild dance. I am starting to believe this dance is the way to embrace the holidays. I could sit on the sidelines and fake it, or I can jump into the dance whirling with joy and pain, memories and merriment.
Friends, it’s normal for the holidays to hold both a tinge of grief and a taste of glory.
Like in the birthing process, pain often precedes the joy. Mary endured painful contractions so that the Messiah Jesus might enter the world. The baby wrapped in swaddling clothes was wrapped in the paradox of death and life from the very beginning of the story. God knew He was sending His son to earth as a baby born to die so we all might live.
Jesus said,
I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.
John 10:10 (ESV)
To fully discover the abundant life Jesus gifted us, we have to embrace the pain with the joy, the bitter with the sweet, the grief with the glory. He continues to show me His glory shines in every dark corner, in every cold stable, in every rough manger.
*Dorina has written and recorded a free Advent devotional about discovering the abundance of Jesus in the Christmas season. Sign up for her Glorygram here and a free copy will be delivered to you weekly during December.
To fully discover the abundant life Jesus gifted us, we have to embrace the pain with the joy, the bitter with the sweet, the grief with the glory. -@DorinaGilmore: Click To Tweet Leave a Comment
Celebration lives alongside lament, and I appreciate your vulnerable sharing here that this learning process is neither easy nor fun. But we do learn to live our way toward joy even.
Yes, it’s definitely a learning process. We have to lean in – sometimes when we’d rather run away from the pain.
Dorina,
Our family had a very rough 2 1\2 years. It started one Thanksgiving with the death of my niece, complications with her MS and diabetes. Next Thanksgiving was my sister, cancer diagnosed and her death within a week. That same season, right after New Years, my mom’s heart gave out. A few months later, a close friend of the family passed away. Another few months later, at Thanksgiving my nephew passed away, leaving a wife and 5 children. I lost my father 3 months later, and another sister to cancer 1 week after my dad died. This was 12 years ago. I don’t have the words to describe this period of time. It was almost like everyone was on auto pilot. My dad was a Christian minister and we were raised in the church, but nothing can prepare you for this much loss in that short amount of time. I planned, or helped plan, most all of the funerals. This is not a subject matter that I ever thought I would be familiar with and have the knowledge for, but it was all those years ago. Time has eased the severity of our pain because of our Faith. We know one glorious day, we will all be united with our loved ones. I am the youngest of five siblings. My sister lives with us due to health issues. My brother will be here for Thanksgiving. We celebrate holidays together. It has gotten easier, but there still is a big block of time that no one wants to ever repeat. Thanksgiving is held at my house every year. We have cousins that are very close, but some of my nieces and nephews have gone their own way. That part makes me sad, but they will always be family and welcomed here. We still reminisce about all the good times we had at mom and dad’s house, but we make new memories now as well. God is good! Life does move on, and I’ve grown alot –both mentally and physically — since then. Give Thanks to God this holiday! He makes all things new and never leaves us alone!
I am grateful for your willingness to share your journey. Yes, the traditions change. And they have to. Leaning into gratitude with you!
Thank you. Grief can sometimes be so overwhelming. I think allowing our grief to come alongside by sharing special memories is a wonderful idea.
I’m glad that resonated with you. I’ve learned we have to be intentional to carve out that time or it won’t happen.
I needed to hear this today. Sometimes I feel I must be the only one dreading the approaching holidays. Losing your Momma in December,my Daddy the day before Thanksgiving, Brother and Husband,plus many more family members, it’s just hard to prepare myself for the holidays. Being a widow and living alone makes it feel even more intense. But… I will embrace many happy memories and Thank my Savior for each of those that have gone home and will be waiting for me at the gates of Glory when God calls me home !! Thank you for this reminder and God’s Word !! God bless you all !!!
Friend, you are not alone! We are here with you in the grief and the glory.
Such a beautiful picture of the brave places you can go with grief. Blessing to see how your grief and joy weave together in your life and the feelings are given honest room to be. Thank you for sharing from your heart.
Maggie, thanks for these words of encouragement! I share vulnerably because I believe others can resonate.
Dorina,
There is no time line for grief. Everyone grieves differently. The holidays don’t make it any easier. You see all the families smiling having a good time yet you still feel the loss of your loved ones. The holidays are a time to be with family & friends. It is a time to slow down & give thanks for the bountiful harvest God has blessed you with. At the same time you don’t have to “fake it” for everyone. Just be yourself. If a memory arises & you start to cry-let it out. Talk about that memory with others. It is freeing & healing. Make new memories with those around you. God knows how you feel. He understands better than we know. Embrace pain with joy, bitter with sweet. Share memories of your loved one-laugh & cry. Let the emotions come out. It is very healing. You will enjoy the abundant life God came to give us.
Blessings 🙂
Thank you for that encouragement, Beth. I am right there with you, embracing it all.
Dear Dorina,
Thank you for bearing your heart so that many others may realize they are not alone in their grief.
Reading your articles on Instagram I see you mentioning Ericlee a lot. I realize the two of you were very close in a God-given relationship. However, you are remarried to what appears to be a very gracious and loving man. Praise the Lord for that. My question is, how does your new husband deal with your many references to your late husband? Does it cause conflict in your relationship? How do you bring a balance to your relationship?
Hi Jim, Thanks for reaching out! My new husband Shawn was one of Ericlee’s best friends so he remembers and grieves with us as well. That’s where the sweet grace lies. When I write about grief to minister to others, it does not cause conflict at all. In fact, Shawn has been one of my biggest supporters and champions my writing. Of course, I’m also living this new chapter with him too. The joy and pain are always dancing together in that way.