Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
Romans 5:5 (NKJV)
“You’ll never get pregnant again.”
Our hearts broke as my fertility doctor dropped those cold words on me and my husband when our daughter was two and a half, several months after experiencing a devastating miscarriage from an ectopic, or tubal, pregnancy. The fertility treatment I’d tried failed miserably. One fallopian tube was gone because of the miscarriage and the other damaged beyond repair from an abortion at eighteen. With devastated and shattered hearts, it was all I could do not to burst into tears and run screaming out of the building.
Something collapsed inside me that day as our dreams and our future with lots of children and all the wonderful, crazy chaos they would bring imploded. I’m the woman who wanted five children, and God, the good Father who gives good gifts, wasn’t giving me what I wanted. Everything worthwhile seemed to evaporate as the doctor uttered his harsh words: “You can always adopt.”
Except “everything worthwhile” didn’t evaporate. My husband and I simply didn’t realize it at the time.
What we didn’t know then is the lesson He’s repeated many times since: God is still writing our story. He had a purpose and a plan for everything we went through, but when you’re in the thick of it, it’s nearly impossible to see where you’re heading.
Perspective doesn’t show up right away. In fact, it can take years before you begin to see clearly, when you can finally see God’s hand.
As new Christians at the time, we didn’t understand how sometimes the very dream you cling to, the dream giving your life purpose and joy, may not be God’s dream for you. He may require you to lay down the very dream you hold so dear because — and this seems crazy, but it’s true — He has something far better than you could’ve imagined. All He asks is that you trust Him.
We planned on having a large family, and it never occurred to us we wouldn’t. I mean, it’s a good thing to want kids, right? It is, but it’s a better thing to want God’s will, whatever that entails.
We decided the next best thing would be to adopt, so we made three private adoption attempts, and guess what? Three times the adoptions fell through, just as we neared the baby’s birth. There was even one instance where a baby boy was practically handed to us, but God made it clear he was not our baby. Instead, he was to be our dear friends’, who were also trying to adopt. We learned a tough lesson through that experience: Just because a blessing falls in your lap doesn’t mean it’s yours to keep.
Talk about hard! The very blessing we had been praying/begging for fell into our lap, and God told us to give it away. During that difficult year, we learned that sometimes God will let your biggest blessing become your deepest test.
We were right in the middle of our story. Our daughter was young, and my heart’s desire was to give my husband a son to carry on the family name. I didn’t get the son I desperately wanted, but our daughter has made her dad’s name famous in a completely unexpected way through her music.
Through it all, I learned the most important lesson I’ve learned in more than thirty-five years of following Him. He alone — not a husband or family, no friend or occupation, no accolades or anointing, nothing on earth — can satisfy my deepest desire. God is everything any of us will ever need, and He will do whatever He must to teach us that truth.
I learned the hard way that His ways are not my ways but His ways are always best, every. single. time.
Years do give perspective, so be encouraged friend. At the time, dealing with infertility and loss took me into a season of deep depression, and I couldn’t grasp how a good God, a God who’s supposed to give good gifts, wasn’t giving me the good thing I so desperately wanted.
It makes total sense now. He needed to teach me a deep and crucial lesson. My mistake during those years was wanting God for what He could give me. In His fathomless mercy, God taught me to love Him simply for who He is. I didn’t enjoy that time in my life, but I will be forever grateful. He took me through a maturing season that utterly changed my perspective and understanding of His grace.
Whatever you think you want and aren’t getting — the baby, the job, the husband, the career, the following, whatever it might be — does Jesus get to decide? If you’re following Him, truly walking the narrow way with your face set like flint, can you trust Him with your future? I know how difficult it is, and I don’t make light of it one bit. But let me encourage you: He knows, but His way is the way of the cross, the narrow way that few find. Do you want to be one of the few? I’m certain you do.
Keep following, precious one. Where He’s leading you is good.
He alone -- not a husband or family, no friend or occupation, no accolades or anointing, nothing on earth -- can satisfy my deepest desire. -Kate Battistelli: Click To Tweet Leave a Comment
Waving my hand in the air, because I do want to be one of “the few!”
Thank you for sharing your deep disappointment and your pathway to hope.
I’m so glad, Michele!! Bless you and thank you for being willing to follow Him wherever He leads!
“It’s a good thing to want kids, right? It is, but it’s a better thing to want God’s will, whatever that entails.” So good. Thank you for sharing your story and God’s faithfulness in every one of our stories, wherever they lead.
Thank you, Denise. God is good, no matter what!
Thank you for sharing your story! In hindsight I see how God has guided and blessed my husband and I! We’ve moved and had to adjust to job loss and new starts- BUT- we have learned so much about Him and serving Him!! We’ve gained so much along this journey!! Bless you Kate and your family!
Thank you so much, Lucy…I call those moves (and losses and starts) 90 degree turns 🙂 They will challenge us and ultimately change us for His glory. Bless you!
Beautiful words! So very true and inspiring!!! Oh how I strive to seek His will in my life. Thank you for sharing today.
You are so welcome Joan. Thank you for seeking His will! Bless you 🙂
Oh my, was that post timely or what?! I’m recovering from back surgery (a week ago) and I’m blessed to have friends helping me. But I miss my ex-husband. The one I abandoned 19 years ago.
Having a good friend see me naked to help with a shower, reminded me that there was no husband. Having been off work for 3 months, and a lot of bills, reminded me I was doing this alone. Not able to take care of my two dogs, reminded me there was no partner.
I’ve always loved my gifting – encourage others. But I hit a huge low this last week, and encouraging exhausted me.
Somehow, God shone a light in the darkness at 5am. I figured I might as well finish a devotion on YouVersion. I clicked on the right plan and day, but it took me to a completed plan’s day from a month ago. This day talked about Satan lying, and taking our minds on a downward spiral. And it talked about how God knows exactly what’s happening, what we need, and how valuable we are. I almost passed out. The angel Gabriel sitting on my bed couldn’t have shocked me more. God physically showed up in my darkness.
And then I randomly found this site. There are no coincidences.
Kate, thank you for sharing. Thank you for not minimizing the pain of the paths we walk in God’s perfect plan. Thank you for reminding us that in that aching emptiness, we can realize we have all we’ll ever need.
The well is starting to fill again. God is exactly where He needs to be. On the throne and right beside us.
Oh friend, thank YOU for sharing your story honestly and vulnerably. You’re so right, God knows exactly what we need and reminds us just how valuable we are! Bless you and I’m praying you heal quickly and that He speaks to you clearly. xoxo
This is important in my life today. Thank you!
You’re welcome, Tami!
God is so good – if we will just let Him work in our lives!
Thanks for your story and reminder of who He is.
You’re welcome, Tammie and you’re right, He is so good!
This is exactly what I needed for encouragement !!! Thank you so very much! I appreciate your words! Love in Him! Lauren
Thank you so much, Lauren! I’m so glad my words were an encouragement to you!
Kate,
We all have dreams/desires. We can pray about them asking God to fulfill our “need”/want. Ultimately He knows what’s best for us. His ways are higher & better than ours. There are many times when He’s leading us down a path & we can’t see or feel His hands on us. It isn’t the path we would chose for ourselves. I never would have imagined my dad’s dementia getting to the point that we had to hospitalize him (geriatric psych) twice. Having gone through that I can sense God’s hand on me more readily. I trust that He knows what’s best for me even if I don’t always agree. I lost a decent part-time job earlier this year. Honestly I was ready to leave that small office. When I got the notice I was rather happy as I knew in my heart God had something better. I would never have guessed it would be ICU Step down clerical part-time. What started out as 2 days a week has turned into much more. I have worked 4 & 5 day weeks when one clerical is out for vacation. Now I will work every other Friday so the other clerical can have time off without using vacation/sick time. Crazy thing is hubby & I work for same organization & we will both get raises in January. Talk about a Godiva bar of a job. I had tootsie roll & God sent me so much better. We just need to trust God in everything.
Blessings 🙂
You are so right, Beth, He does give us so much better when we trust Him! I’m so glad your job is working out and you’ll be getting raises in January…God is faithful, every single time. Good for you for trusting even when it doesn’t make sense. Thanks for sharing your story, blessings to you!
Thank you for sharing this. I am going through a very difficult time in the middle of an adoption reunion with my birth father. What started out as a tremendously beautiful experience has turned to heartbreak and it is difficult to see why God allowed this in my life. There was so much joy in the beginning and now the pain of loss is even more severe. Seeking the Lord for answers and trusting His plan is far greater than what I can see.
Sweet Machelle, His plan IS greater than what you’re seeing now. I know how hard it can be to trust God when life doesn’t make sense. Time will give the perspective you don’t have know and I’m trusting the Lord will give you His heart about the matter. In the meantime, hold on to hope, hold on to His goodness and His profound love for you. He knows exactly what’s going on and cares deeply about your situation. I’m lifting you up and believing He is holding you and will not let you go. Blessings to you 🙂
Thank you. I needed that. I was walking this morning and told the the Lord that I’ve lost all hope. I have a special needs son who has epilepsy but for the last 2yrs have been having seizures every time he goes to sleep. He’s been on every med and now we’re left to think about surgery. My youngest is 14 and has some learning struggles and other health issues in the brain. I know God can do anything and yet He doesn’t. So, yeah I am struggling. I’ve never struggled this bad with my faith before. Please pray for me.
Arnesia, I can only imagine your situation and I am reaching out to give you a virtual hug right now. Praying God will give you strength and lift you and walk with you through this struggle.
Lord, please hear my sister in Christ’s prayer for guidance and support. Please bring those people into her life to surround her and help her and her son. Her life sounds so heavy Lord. Please lift her up, give her strength and guidance and above all let her feel peace. If it is your will please quieten the pain of her son, cure him of these ailments. Make yourself known to Arnesia, let her feel you and see your miracles. You said ask and ye shall receive, we are asking here Lord! I ask these things in Jesus name, Amen.
Arnesia, I’m so sorry you’re struggling. I am praying for you and trusting that God knows exactly what you’re facing and that He is with you even when you can’t feel Him. Do you have a church you attend? If so, please reach out to them for prayer and help. No one should go through such difficulties alone. There’s help in your community I’m sure. Please don’t give up my friend, the enemy would like nothing more than to see that happen. Jesus is as close as your next breath and I’m praying and believing He will give you the exact help and guidance you seek. God bless you and be with you.
It is so true that with retrospect we see Gods path. I have just finished and submitted my Masters in Peace and Conflict Studies over two weeks ago. I was elated to not have it hanging over me and so grateful to God for carrying me through. Sure reading it over I saw some mistakes and cringed but it was done and I was free. Two weeks later I am starting to get restless and bored. I am praying constantly for the Holy Spirit and God to reveal his next step for me. I don’t know what is wrong with me..I should be patient and I am trying to be but I am so restless my body and mind. You see I believe actually there is no doubt that this Masters and the story of it is a Jesus led adventure….but what next? I have applied to a job at the red cross and I hope it is in Gods plan for me but it has been two weeks and I have not heard. I know God is in control and I can’t do anything without him! I need a perspective shift and I need to get a job. Even if it is not in the humanitarian field. There are not a lot of roles where I live in this area. Can I ask you all to pray for me? Such a great post thank you for sharing. I choose Jesus not the worldly wants, I want to follow his path not my own.
Father, I pray for both Jasmines mentioned. I pray for her and her son and your will in their lives. And I pray for the Jasmine that needs your direction in finding the job that is also your will. Not our will….but yours! Trusting in you for all things. I also want to be one of “the few.” I
too need prayer as I’m trying to help my mother with dementia and my husband whom is disabled and can barely walk. I put my trust in you Lord, you’re our everything! Our past, our present and our future!
Thanks Debbie.
Lord,
Please bring people into Debbies life to help support her in the care of her mother and her husband. Be her stronghold and support during this time. Bring healing where you see it’s need, let them all see your footsteps in their situation and lives. In Jesus name, Amen
Oh thank you Jasmine. God bless you is my prayer this morning!
Debbie, I’m lifting you up to the Father and asking Him to give you wisdom and strength as you help both your mom and your husband. I pray God’s healing for them both and that He sends you the help you need so you don’t have to go through this difficult time alone. You are an example to us all for your willing heart to help your mom and serving her and your husband with all their daily needs. I pray the Lord will continue to bless and keep you in His tender care 🙂
Jasmine, I pray God will continue to carry you through as you follow where He leads. I believe He will guide you to the next thing as He alone orders our steps. I pray He gives you peace and comfort in the time of waiting for answers and the ability to put your future in His hands as you choose to follow His path. I pray blessing over your life and your willingness to let Him lead. God bless and keep you today!
Kate,
That is so very kind of you…thank you! May the Lord continue to bless you and your writing!!
Jas
Thank you so much, Jasmine!
Great message Kate!
Very inspirational and heart-felt. After reading your thoughts, Romans 12 verse 1 came to mind. When we offer our bodies as a living sacrifice, our goals, aspirations, wants and needs will also be given to God. As you said, “He only can satisfy our needs and desires,” and when this is done everything we want and receive is given back to HIM! Thanks for sharing your tender story. Charisse 🙂
Thank you so much, Charisse! May the Lord bless you today and always 🙂
Dear Kate, I am a day late in reading this so hope my reply will reach you. Thank you for sharing your story and words of encouragement of holding onto hope. It seems that’s all I am able to do now…..holding onto hope. I suffer seasons of severe depression and anxiety and, currently, in the longest and hardest season to date. I hold onto the Lord and His promises and calling on Him continually. Five different anti-depressants have been prescribed to me over the past two years, and they either didn’t work or some even made it worse. I am due to see the doctor again next month and he will probably prescribe another anti-depressant. I feel like a guinea pig! I will be 73 in November! My step-daughter and our 12 year old grandson have lived with us for 12 years. I am looking to the Lord for my healing that I know He has for me! And I would be so grateful for any prayers that anyone seeing this might lift up for me, my precious husband and our family. Many thanks and blessings always!
Dear Donna,
I feel for you. I really do. Go to the doctor now..change doctors if you have too and work out an antidepressant that works for you. As you know ride out the two weeks where symptoms get worse and then you will feel better. Ask for something to take away the anxiety while you are weaning yourself on to the pills. Now there is both with being on meds if done properly it can take away symptoms of depression altogether!! I pray that God won’t leave you and will surround you.
Sweet Jesus & Our Father,
Please walk with your daughter Donna who is suffering with depression. Please team her up with a new doctor and the right medicine, guidance and game plan to combat the depression. This is hard going and Donna needs you now!! Please carry, support and love her whole family. Be with them Lord with your provision, love and healing. I ask these things In Jesus name, Amen.
Thank you Jas! The Lord bless you!
Dear Donna–I understand anxiety well! I’ve dealt with it for several years and I know how hard it is to deal with. I’m praying God’s healing will manifest for you before you see your doctor and the need to use anti-depressants will be a thing of the past! What a blessing you must be to your step-daughter and grandson. Lord, bless Donna and her husband and give them peace and the strength they need to stand strong. Bless Donna’s steadfastness and faith to believe for her healing. Be with her Lord, help her each and every day and let her feel Your tender love surrounding her, in Jesus’ name, Amen!
Thank you soooo much Kate for your loving prayers and encouraging words! They mean a lot to me! The Lord bless you!!!
You’re more than welcome, Donna! Blessings to you 🙂
Thank you so much, Charisse! May the Lord bless you today and always 🙂
Thank you for this! This is something that I really connect with as my husband and I have suffered 6 miscarriages, including one that I thought was going to take me with it and now we are going through a divorce. Did God not bless us with a child because God knew we weren’t meant to be husband and wife forever? Maybe. Are we not continuing to be husband and wife because of the miscarriages and because we were never able to have even one child? Maybe. What I know for sure is that our plan of babies, a family, and happily ever after failed and some days I feel like I failed as a wife and as a woman. Somedays I feel like my body failed me. As we packed boxes and separate our belongs and my heart breaks and mends and breaks again, I wonder what is God’s Will for my life?
Kimberly, please know you haven’t failed as a wife and a mom, and you certainly haven’t failed God. Sometimes God allows what He could prevent and we won’t always understand His reasons right away. Please know that the years will give the perspective you don’t have right now. I’m sure it doesn’t make sense to you in this moment of loss but I believe it will one day. I’m truly sorry for the loss you’ve experienced through miscarriage and now the loss of your marriage. It must be incredibly hard but I’m convinced God has a good plan for your life and He will reveal it as time goes on. Keep pressing into Him. Ask Him for wisdom and direction and I am certain He will give it. I’m lifting you up to the Father today and asking Him to fill your heart with peace and your life with His presence. Blessings to you 🙂
Hi Kate, Thank you so much for your kind words, it really means a lot to me 🙂 I’m looking so forward to what God has planned for me!!