Over the past few months, I’ve made a new group of friends. Making friends at any age can be hard, let alone when you’re a bit older. These friends came at a time when I was feeling as though a shift were coming in regards to my intimate community. For me, the body of Christ is everything, and not having close family ties over the course of my life has left me independent beyond words and extremely alone and at times unbearably lonely.
I don’t know where you fall in personality, but I tend to be the initiator. My top love language is quality time, so more often than not I am the one initiating connection with my friends. I love it because that is how God wired me, and yet it can become quite exhausting. I think everyone wants to be seen and known, but not everyone knows how to build those types of relationships.
Friendships take work. They take effort. They take time and care and pushing past differences. They can be awkward, hard, and messy. For any friendship to stand the test of time and display the Kingdom, there are some foundations that must be laid.
1. Consistency is the key to authentic connection.
And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.
Hebrews 10:24-25 (ESV)
I know you’re thinking that you are too busy and can’t possibly be consistent at being consistent. I have found that I don’t need to do anything fancy or out of the ordinary to connect with my friends. I really do just want to do life with them. Recently, I went to several sports games of my friends’ kids, and I had the best time! And their kids thought they were super special because I came, so it was a win-win. I was able to be supportive and have quality time with my friends. I love breaking bread with my married friends and both encouraging and learning from them, and I’ve also been walking a lot more with my dear friend. We talk about all things Jesus, church, the Word, family, dreams, disappointments — all the things!
These are some ways I have been gathering with my new people. It ends up not being so hard to be consistent when we are just living life and inviting others in. These have been some of the sweetest times I’ve had in community in a long time.
2. Our gifts are not just for us; they are also for others.
As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace.
1 Peter 4:10 (ESV)
Navigating new friendships is a journey, but it is a journey worth taking. I feel as though the Lord has accelerated these new friendships, and I have been blessed beyond any expectation. I have experienced an abundance of generosity. I have been able to speak some well-timed encouraging words into their lives. I have been able to serve and meet some needs. I have been encouraged in my gifting and calling and purpose. I have even had a hard conversation where truth, love, and connection were the goal. Journeys are not only about the destination, but about who we are becoming along the way.
3. The body of Christ is the heartbeat of God.
Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their efforts. For if either falls, his companion can lift him up; but pity the one who falls without another to lift him up. Also, if two lie down together, they can keep warm; but how can one person alone keep warm? And if someone overpowers one person, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not easily broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (HCSB)
My new friends Kristy and Kayla recently told me how amazed they were that I came into their body of believers only a short time ago and seemed to fit right in. Kayla repeatedly tells me that she forgets that she hasn’t know me longer than she has. Kristy said that it felt like the Lord just placed me there and grafted me in. I honestly held back a few tears when she told me. She knew I needed family — the way God designed family. I never seem to get over this need, but that is actually how He likes it.
He created us for fellowship with Himself and with others. His heartbeat is the body of Christ, with all of its varied parts, working together as a whole to honor God, encourage each other, and share the love of Christ with those around us.
Friendship at its best is reciprocal. It is give and take. It is shared. This new community has been a breath of fresh air to my weary soul. I have been intentionally thought of and included. I have felt incredibly seen and known and valued. The Lord knew my heart needed them before I did, and these friendships have been life-giving because their very breath has been given by the Giver of life.
How have you struggled or succeeded in building authentic community?
Consistency is the key to authentic connection. -@karina268: Click To Tweet Leave a Comment
I am also in a season of paying attention to relationships. I’ve had a tendency to stay in my bubble and focus on the work in front of my face, but God is teaching me that I need people in my life. As you’ve said, sometimes we just have to take the initiative and put a date on the calendar, show up with support and interest in their life, or lean into connections through our local church. It’s sure not always easy, and many times I feel as if I don’t have time for it, but (as Elisabeth Elliot has said) there is always time to do the will of God.
Yes Michelle! I love Elisabeth Elliot! That is so good!
I am believing that God will grow your desire for community and bless you with extra grace and capacity to grow authentic friendships!
Karina,
I’ve lived in the same place for 22 years. I still can’t believe that because up until that time, I was picking up and moving every 2-4 years. I was the one leaving friends behind and having to make new friends in a new community. Now, I’m the one being left behind. One of my very closest friends retired and moved away and it left a big hole in my heart. But, God. God in His goodness has let me mourn and is now bringing some possible new friends into my life. But what about when they learn of all my junk? That used to be a huge obstacle for me, but the older I get, the more I realize that we all have colossal junk that needs to be shared and ultimately accepted. Isn’t that part of what friendship is all about? God has opened the door, but now it’s up to me to make the effort. Effort can be tiring, but it is so worth the reward. God has never led me astray, so I am going to follow His merciful leading. Beautiful post Karina, and so glad God has broadened your circle of caring friends.
Blessings,
Bev xx
ps. So thankful for my friends here at (in)courage!!
Bev, we are so thankful for you!
I am believing that you will walk boldly through those open doors with joy and expectation. Praying each new friendship is filled with His love an grace.
The Lord is always speaking. May you hear Him clearly in the way you should go!
Karina so glad to hear of your new friendships. God has brought new people into my life definitely but They are either younger or older and live in other parts of the world. Friends I’ve met in the peacebuilding world and my fellow colleagues who have finished or are finishing their masters or phds and then move away. Can I ask for prayers to find some fellow believer friends who are similar to me with kids or things in common that God might bring into my life. Don’t get me wrong I do have friends here but another or a Christian friend would be nice! Thank you
Thanks Jas!
Father, bring authentic friends into Jas’s life. You designed her for community and godly family. Plant her in healthy spaces. Open her heart to those people and prepare their hearts to connect with her in real and lasting ways.
In Jesus’ Name
Amen
Thank you for your prayer Karina!
Jas
Anytime!
Jas,
Continued prayers for you sweet sister!!
Father God,
You’ve designed us for community. We long for that so much. Guide Jas’s path to places where she will meet people & make friends. Open her eyes & heart to new ideas & places to go & find new friends. Asking for authentic connection with 1-2 good friends who are in similar situations like Jas.
AMEN
Blessings 🙂
Thank you so much Beth ❤️
Karina this is so well spoken and true. God friendships, while still requiring consistency and commitment, always feel easier, natural and God-breathed. I know exactly what you mean when you say He inserts people into our lives. Friends that it feels like we’ve known forever. That’s when we know someone is a sweet package straight from Heaven. I also relate to you about family and would love to connect. You are loved!
Hailley, you are so kind! Thank you so much!
God friendships are the absolute BEST!!!! The Lord is so sweet to us in this gift of friendship!!!
I would love to connect!
Karina, I’m having difficulty building friendships. My best friend of over ten years moved away over six years ago and I’m left by myself. I’ve tried to build friendships with other women I know, but it doesn’t seem to work. I am an introvert and it takes a lot for me to meet new people. I’ve been yearning for friendships, especially since I am a mom now. I’m in my thirties and it seems the older I get the harder it is to meet people. Can you please pray God send Christian friends my way and for me to know it? Thank you!
Shanice, thank you for sharing! It is hard, but totally possible!
Jesus, You are kind and gracious to us. Your heart is for us to be in community and to have authentic connection with others. I pray You would make a way where there seems to be no way. I pray You shower Shanice in an extra measure of grace and capacity and effort in her making new friends. Give her hope and expectation in this journey.
In Jesus’ Name
Amen
Thank you Karina!
Of Course!
I enjoyed this post! This is exactly who I am too. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you Amy!!!
Karina,
Your words were a blessing to read this morning thank-you.
I hope that you all have a blessed day…..
Penny
Penny, thank you!
I pray your day is blessed as well!
I live with anxiety and depression. It has been difficult to maintain friendships over the years. I have one friend who has never left. I’m able to be there for her when she needs me because I know she genuinely loves me. I will pull myself out of bed for her.
I love that!
“If one person falls, the other person can reach out to help. But those who are alone when they fall have no one to help them.” Eccl. 4:10
Depression ocd I have both I’m 56 my children have gone with no caring for an older mom.they have told me they are ashamed of me.due to my ocd. I do have a church i go to bible studies. I have 3 little dogs and i love to stitch. I just can’t understand why they would treat me so awful?please keep in your prayers. Depression is tough!!!!!!!! Stay strong in christ ❤️
Lord I pray for Maria, and I thank you that your love for her is so faithful and constant, that you will never leave her side, and you ENJOY her company! I ask that you would refresh her today and heal her in the deepest of places so she can know that because of Jesus, she is whole, healed, and set free! Not because of anything she’s done or not done, but because of the beautiful grace offered to her. You have redeemed her and called her by name and she’s yours, and when she walks through the fire and rain and storm, You are her shelter, and she is precious and honored in your sight and you love her.
Thank you, Kind Father!!! In Jesus’ name, amen!
Grafted in. Feeling a little teary just reading that. I’m so grateful for God’s faithfulness to you in this area of your life and the ways you encourage and equip all of us to keep pursuing community. Love you, friend. xx
Thank you! Well, you’re gonna make me teary! Thank you for walking alongside me in this process! I love you!!!
What a delight to read how God brought these new friends into your life, Karina, and very quickly made you old friends! Not long ago a new acquaintance and I met for breakfast one morning. FOUR hours later, after absolutely delightful conversation, we left as friends. Such connections ARE precious gifts from our Heavenly Father to be savored and nurtured. A heart-warming post, Karina!
Amen Nancy!
Those are the BEST conversations!
Thank you for sharing this! I also struggle with not having close immediate family ties and really value the meaning of friendship and the people God has placed in my life. Quality time is also my top love language so I can definitely relate to being the one to initiate times with friends. Sometimes I get discouraged that I am usually the one to initiate and have to fight through the battle in my mind that it’s not worth it or it’s too much or people don’t care or people will get tired of being my friend. In the end, I know God has called me to be intentional with people and satan would love for me to push back.
You are right about it taking work and effort. I find that time is a huge obstacle and other people don’t necessarily have the same priority on friendships. I try to focus on doing my best to cultivate the friendships that He has placed in my life and be okay with the process. This was such an encouragement.
Thank you Ann! Yes and Amen to everything you said!
Karina,
I’ve been praying & continue to pray for you sweet sister!! God made us for community to be around & with others. Having authentic friends takes effort & time. We have to work at it One thing I do often is send texts or emails letting friends know I care about them. Making sure they don’t forget me. One group of friends I have is about to become one less-due to a move closer to grandchildren. It took some effort on my part but we will have our final good bye next Tuesday (17th). It will be sad because we all worked together about 2 or so years. It will be a special night with pictures taken & tears flowing. Ralph Waldo Emerson said: “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” We must be willing to take a leap of faith & step out of our comfort zone. For me this meant getting a little more involved in church. Volunteering for activities & attending more often. I also volunteer with Relay for Life (Cancer society). I have met some wonderful people that way also. One easy step to take that doesn’t require a lot of time is attending a Bible study at church. You have a small group of women. Over the course of time you really get to know them. What ever it takes just try something & watch God work!
Blessings 🙂
Thanks Beth!
My transition looks more like possibly leaving my church of almost 20 years. My new friends are at a possible new church. Getting connected isn’t hard for me. This season is more about connecting with new people and seeing if they are my people.