When I was in college, a friend introduced me to the movie, Home for the Holidays. Starring Holly Hunter and Robert Downey, Jr., it’s about the special brand of family crazy that comes out around the holidays. For a group of half-adult, half-child college students preparing to go home for a few days, it was the perfect way to simultaneously brace ourselves and acknowledge that as dysfunctional and stressful as our own families may be, at least they weren’t like the one we watched in that movie.
Not exactly like it, anyway.
It’s funny. I’d never heard of that movie before college, and I don’t frequently see it making any lists of “Best Holiday Movies.” I mean, FINE, it’s no Elf or White Christmas. But when the weather turns cold and cans of cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie filling move to the endcaps at the grocery store, I always think of that movie.
This movie – and the story behind it – doesn’t come to mind every holiday season because my family resembles the one Holly Hunter’s character has to face. (Well, not completely.) No, I always go back to those college memories because one of my friends who introduced me to the movie and its rightful place in my holiday prep routine hasn’t spoken to me in about a decade.
The story of how our friendship died is complicated and a story for another day. The details really don’t matter, though. The point is that I lost one of my very best friends, and it broke my heart, and the days leading up to the holidays remind me of that more than any other time of the year.
I bet you have a few people you miss all year long too, especially during the holidays. Sometimes memories intrude on celebrations, making this season hard to handle.
The empty chair sticks out more or sits alone in the corner.
The room full of people feels quieter or louder.
The favorite dish has plenty left over or the favorite dish isn’t made this year.
The gifts go unopened or unwrapped or un-bought.
It’s hard to remember something to be thankful for.
Smiles look a little shaky, and tears are the uninvited guest that won’t leave.
Divorce. Dysfunction. Death. All of these things (and more) affect our families, our lives, our hearts. And though they hurt all year long, day in and day out, the holidays seem to bring out the pain like no other time can. On a day – or days – when we’re supposed to be all smiles and good cheer, our hearts crack under the pressure and the remembering and the missing.
I know. I’ve been there in the “it’s still so fresh, we can’t think about anything else, how can we possibly put on a good face this year” seasons. And I’m there every year when memories of losses from long ago and not so long ago join together to wage war on our determination to forge on and focus on the reason for the season.
Family and friends we no longer speak to or who no longer speak to us.
Family and friends who died much too soon — it’s always too soon.
Family and friends who aren’t invited or don’t show up.
Family and friends who moved away.
Jobs that were taken away.
Children who are sick.
Anyone who is sick.
We try so hard to fight for our joy, don’t we? We print out place cards and try the new recipe. We dress up our kids and bundle up for the long drive. We take photos and send cards and smile and chat and catch up and promise to call more often.
But underneath, many of us still carry wounds ripped open by the reminders of relationships and situations that are no longer. And it hurts. And it’s hard. And we’re not sure what to do with it all.
These hard things, these complicated relationships and challenging situations, can leave us in a bit of emotional paralysis. Unsure how to react without opening ourselves up to a monsoon of grief or anger or disappointment, uncertain how to respond without alienating or offending the people we love despite all the things that make family and friendship so hard, we might find ourselves in the same boat as the baffled characters of a movie.
It’s just hard to navigate this stuff, especially when every store and station is blasting cheery tunes about the most wonderful time of the year!
I’m not advocating that we stay in our pajamas, curl up with a turkey leg and a box of tissues, and decline all invitations in favor of a pity party for one. I’m not suggesting we ignore the blessings we have in front of us and spend our days off flipping through our photo albums and memories searching for clues about when it all went wrong.
No, I’m simply offering an acknowledgement that the pain is real, a reassurance that you can find peace and joy anyway, and an understanding smile and a hug that’s totally not awkward even if we’ve never met.
Sometimes holidays make us sad, sometimes they make us happy, and it’s okay to feel both.
But the sadness can’t compete when we remember that today is full — full of pain but also full of blessings and joy and things both big and small that God has given us to remind us of His love and faithfulness.
If the holidays are making you sad this year – perhaps the same as every year or maybe more than you ever imagined possible – I pray that you can close your eyes and feel it for a moment. It’s okay to do that, really. But then open them to the good that is still around you.
And, most importantly, remember that the Lord is close. He will be with us in the sadness and give us the peace that passes all understanding, and His joy will be our strength.
Do the holidays ever make you sad? How do you deal with that sadness?
If you’d like more encouragement, I’d love to send you my ebook, Choosing Joy When the Holidays Are Hard. Click here to sign up for your free copy.
God will be with us in sadness and give us the peace that passes all understanding. - @marycarver: Click To Tweet Leave a Comment
Mary,
It is so easy to get consumed with the loss, the grief, the dysfunction that it takes our eyes off the good things around us and in particular the very awesome good thing – and that being Jesus. When my heart is heavy, I have to get tunnel vision and keep my eyes focused on Christ. The tree, the decorations, the music may make my heart melancholy, but looking to Jesus gives me hope. Even if our tears are the only offering we can bring this Christmas, God will honor that. He accepts broken hallelujahs. Praying for all who are suffering or grieving this time of year. “I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you.” (John 14:18).
Blessings,
Bev xx
Yessss, tunnel vision (if focused on Christ) is exactly what we need in these times!
With this one piece of advice you have captured so much truth: ” Close your eyes and feel it for a moment. It’s okay to do that, really. But then open them to the good that is still around you.” Every holiday on this planet, every big occasion in our families, no matter how joyful the event, we always seem to stand with one foot in celebration and the other in lament. Thank you for this invitation to open our eyes to the joyful without denying the sadness and the disappointment. In Christ, we are given the tools to hold them both in our heart and to give thanks.
Blessings to you!
Isn’t it interesting how we’re able to feel both at once? Doesn’t seem like it would be possible and yet, here we are, joyful and sad at the same time! Thank you for being here today, Michele!
Mary,
The holidays are super hard for many. I think of the many elderly i nursing homes & assisted living facilities. Some don’t have any family to come visit them. Sure the places get decorated all pretty & nice music is played. It isn’t the same without family or friends to come sit with you. For my family the holidays are hard as hubby works in a hospital and must do 3 holidays a year. That makes it difficult to plan much. My family all lives out of state/country. We don’t get together except for funerals & they are done. I’m not a big fan of all the hoopla surrounding Christmas. The commercialism of it. I listen to Christian music & focus on the reason for the season. A savior who left the splendor of Heaven to come to broken Earth. Making my focus even more on Him I try to get an elderly or angel tree person & buy a gift for someone needy. It is my way of shining God’s light in this dark world.
Blessings 🙂
Beth, those are beautiful ways to shine light during this season. I pray you feel peaceful and loved even as you are serving others!
I struggle with Christmas as it was the last time I saw my daddy before he was taken from me by a senseless act of violence and I was left with the shell of his body. He has a severe brain injury and is a paralpeligic who lives in a personal care home near me. Each Christmas season I miss him so much and I Seem to always have a waterfall of tear just behind the next blink. It’s hard to not lose myself in the “it’s not fair” game but I try to always remember that Jesus didn’t have a “fair hand” dealt to him either, dying for my sins. I try to hold on to one day I will see my daddy in Glory and he will be whole and pain free. I do try to close my eyes and capture that all and I hold onto it as long as I possibly can and I know that His peace and joy will come over me many times this season.
I’m so sorry, Jodi. That is so hard. May God’s love carry you and your family close to his heart as you keep walking through this and every season.
Jodi,
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I thought I’d share with you my dad’s last words to me a few days before he passed on Christmas, “Remember when…..”he wanted me to remember the happy times, and I’ll pray for you and your dad that through love the happy times will prevail……….
I hope that your day will be blessed,
Penny
Jodi,
Praying for you during this painful season. The holidays have a way of accentuating pain. Praying that you may have tunnel vision to keep your eyes focused on Jesus vs. circumstances and that you would let God wrap you in His comforting arms. He sees and knows your pain and one day will wipe away your tears and make your sweet daddy whole.
Blessings,
Bev xo
Oh, Jodi, that is so hard. I’m so sorry for your loss! This world – and your situation, specifically – are absolutely not fair, and I think it’s reasonable and probably healthy to grieve all you’ve lost. I pray your holidays bring you some unexpected joy this year, as well as comfort from God as you miss your dad.
Thank you my friend. For not glossing over the tough stuff and putting a shiny face on it.
It’s hard.
It can stink.
It’s okay to feel the feels.
It’s also okay to smile.
Love you.
Xx
Love you, too! And I’m so glad to have friends like you who remind me that the tough stuff IS hard but that with Jesus, we can make it through. xoxo
Thank you for this, Mary. It was just what I needed to hear today, and I am sure many others needed this encouragement and reassurance as well.
Jodi, I said a heartfelt prayer for you and your daddy. May he sense your presence and your love when you are there with him. May God give you His peace and surround you with His love and strength.
Praying we all make and take time for quiet meaningful reflections of the Babe in the manger during this busy season…
Allow the feelings then open “our eyes to the good in the stillness that is Christ with us forever ‘n ever”…. Sound advise to manage those blues that do come at Christmas time, often hidden behind pressures to be cheery! I’m taking that advise to heart! Thank you Mary.
Ah yes, that pressure to have holiday cheer! Why do we do that to ourselves and others?! Thank you for being here today, Lynn. xoxo
I read your journal above and there are parts I agree with and parts I don’t. One’s feelings are very different upon the death of a child. Our son died in the summer of 2017. In January of 2018, I joined a Bereavement Group for Mom’s who have lost a child. I wasn’t sure I was prepared to hear their stories without bursting into tears. It has been a most tearful, yet healing journey. We meet on a more infrequent basis now. We can attest to the fact that all holidays are awful for us. No one understands our grief or our feelings about the various holidays. While others celebrate with their families and children, ours aren’t coming home ever again. Some mom’s have turned against religion questioning where was God when their child was dying. Some of us hold on tight in the comfort of Jesus’s arms and are thankful for his love, guidance, strength and support now and in the days to come. Christmas is the hardest holiday because the song words hit home and tears flow. Their birthdays, anniversary of their deaths, Mother’s Day, etc. are all too painful. Some people ask if we are over it yet? We will never be over our child’s deaths be it a baby, a child, an adolescent or an adult – time is not a healer. Each year their deaths become more painful. We are still numb inside; yet some of us rally and rise up, because we have other children at home and/or grandchildren. So we make the effort to decorate our homes and celebrate in our own ways, Christmas with our families.
Katherine
Mary,
Thank-you for so kindly taking the time to piece together these words.
I hope that you all have a blessed day.
Penny
I am sorry, I didn’t mean to add my reply to Mary here….
Penny
Katherine,
I am deeply sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you.
Penny
My heart truly goes out to you, sweet Katherine. I’m always shocked at what some people say to horribly grieving hearts – especially in the early days, but even today,10 years later, even by close family members. Grief certainly has taught me many things and changed my heart in ways I never expected, but it was excruciatingly difficult, as I know it is for you now. My only prayer for months was “God, help me” as I truly had no other words to offer. I feel your pain and will pray for comfort, peace, and healing, and whatever else God knows you need today. Much love and prayers, Katherine.
Katherine,
You have experienced the worst fear of every mother. I can’t even begin to fathom your pain or how you put one foot in front of the other?? I do praise that you have chosen to turn toward God in your grief – to find your comfort in His loving arms. My heart aches for those who turn away and lose a precious lifeline. I am lifting you up right now as you face Christmas…may God’s love surround you and give you some measure of peace and grace.
Love and prayers,
Bev xx
Katherine, I am so very sorry to read about your loss. I’m grateful you have found a group of people going through similar loss, but I understand that every holiday continues to be heartbreaking. I pray you find some comfort and peace this year, even as you still miss your son deeply.
Oh Mary, thank you for this. Yes and Amen to it all. For all of us who are struggling, I lift prayers for peace and joy in the midst of the hard.
My heart truly goes out to you, sweet Katherine. I’m always shocked at what some people say to horribly grieving hearts – especially in the early days, but even today,10 years later, even by close family members. Grief certainly has taught me many things and changed my heart in ways I never expected, but it was excruciatingly difficult, as I know it is for you now. My only prayer for months was “God, help me” as I truly had no other words to offer. I feel your pain and will pray for comfort, peace, and healing, and whatever else God knows you need today. Much love and prayers, Katherine.
“Smiles shaky,tears uninvited guests ” poignant well said, thank you!
Thank you for these words.
I didn’t realise how many people find Christmas difficult.
Christmas will be hard for my family this year, it will be the first one without my Dad who passed away six months ago.
Mary, I’m so grateful for your words, your understanding, your insight, your humor. Yes, there is room for full sorrow and full joy–at Christmas and any time of year. Christ is well acquainted with it all. So glad we can old space for it here too. xx
Mary, so ever true what you said here. We miss the people who are no longer with us during this holiday. First year I must say are the hardest and this definitely will be my first without my bestie, my partner in crime. One thing that makes me smile is knowing that she is with the Prince of Peace. She is no longer physically here with us but her spirit lives on with all the beautiful memories of her. Christmas is her favorite holiday and so it will be tough but we must carry on. Prayers for all those who are hurting and grieving over a loss this season.
Thank you so much Mary for voicing this and also for adding a note of hope!! This is our first Christmas without my dad, who died Dec 29th last year. Any prayers for our family are appreciated!! Lord I pray for all the families represented here.. may your comfort and presence increase upon us all this Christmas, amen.
Agnes, I understand this kind of grief. I lost my dad 8 years ago in January. Dec 26 was the last time I saw him. Praying for your family to experience the nearness of the Lord in new ways this Christmas as you continue to mourn.