My knees hit the cold, hard ground and within seconds I’m on my back, staring at the popcorn accents on our bathroom ceiling through streams of salty tears.
Amid my crying, a shrill voice whispers words of sorrow and despair into my already weak mind. This is the beginning of the end of life as you know it, the voice says. Accept it. You’re a degenerate.
No, no, no. I cannot accept it. I will not accept it.
“What is happening to me?!” I scream loud enough the neighbors can probably hear me sobbing now. “Jesus help me! Please help me!”
One month ago, I’d bragged to my husband about how strong I felt. The combination of physical therapy, healthy eating, supplements, spiritual disciplines, essential oils, and the lower stress lifestyle I’d committed myself to were finally paying off, and I felt the strongest I’d felt since my Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos diagnosis in 2015. Perhaps the greatest victory of all was that I finally believed in the complete healing God had spoken over me in 2017.
In this season of healing and flourishing, hope seemed to flood my horizons. Doctors revealed treatments that could bring some level of healing to my degenerated bones and joints. The She Found Joy ministry experienced a new season of growth and excitement. And after months of praying for God to align my heart’s desire for children to His will for my life, my fearful, unsure heart finally opened up to the possibility of having kids again.
And then life fell apart.
Hurricanes take out entire cities, but for me, it was the perfect storm of adverse treatment and drug reactions, weather systems, a hard fall, and a doozy of a bacterial infection that threw my system into complete panic mode.
Overnight, the muscles I’d worked so hard to strengthen became incredibly weak, leaving joints and bones with nothing to hold them in place. I tried to “pull myself up by my bootstraps,” as so many of us often do, but my efforts to keep up the status quo of my life only made my health spiral further into peril.
Rest, My daughter. Remain in My love and trust in Me.
“Ok, God,” I prayed. “I trust You. I’m going to keep believing and rest in You. But as I do, please help me overcome my fear and unbelief. Help me keep my eyes fixed on You.”
Despite my decision to deliberately rest, within days I could not get out of bed, get dressed, wash my hair, put lotion on, eat, write, or do anything that required movement without experiencing intense pain, subluxations, and fatigue.
Where is your God now? The shrill voice taunted me.
Images of wheelchairs, surgeries and not being able to participate in the things I enjoy – swimming, cooking, hiking, writing, and speaking – flashed across my mind.
Who are you to think you’re going to have a baby? The voice pushed further. You can’t even take care of yourself. Your husband has to dress you. What makes you think you can take care of a crying child?
Day and night, fear – our enemy who prowls around like a lion, looking for souls to devour – assaulted my mind with the worst insults and nightmares you could imagine. But as the waters raged around me and fear tried to pull me under, I just kept holding tightly to the One I’ve come to love and trust more than life itself.
If you feel like the deep waters of life are too much for you to handle on your own right now, you’re right. They are.
We cannot and do not survive and overcome the waves of this life on our own (Romans 8:37). We need the rescuing help and grace of the Lifeguard, Jesus Christ, who is never off duty. We need Him to carry us in the currents of His love and multiply our faith so we can become stronger in Him.
I know what it’s like to try to navigate a high-sea battle on my own and lose faith. I know what it feels like to give in to fear and be sucked into the undertow of despair — because that used to be my story.
I don’t know about you, but I’m done trying to swim through this life alone. I don’t want to rely on my own efforts to fight the waves and silence the enemy. Heaven knows, I’m not strong enough to take on the brunt of the world by my little self.
I want to trust and rely on Jesus with every fiber of my being, even when life falls apart. Because greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4). I’ve seen and lived enough life to know this to be abundantly true.
Whatever waves you are facing today, friend, know this: They are no match for those who are courageous to live by faith. You don’t have to dwell in doubt or let fear have the final say. Look it straight in the eyes and shout, “Not today!” Press into Jesus and keep your eyes fixed on Him.
The journey of faith may be full of unknowns, but with Jesus, you’ll discover that though the waters rage, you will always rise above.
The journey of faith may be full of unknowns, but with Jesus, you’ll discover that though the waters rage, you will always rise above. - @lauren_inspires: Click To Tweet Leave a Comment
Lauren, I cannot even begin to imagine the struggle you are facing, and the claustrophobia of life in a body that does not cooperate with your plans and goals. Thank you for being a living example of Paul’s words that we comfort others from the comfort we have received from God.
Blessings to you as you live in this abundance.
Thanks so much for your kind words, dear Michele. Blessings to you as well!
Such a good word…stay strong. Praying for you
Thanks so much, friend! I pray this post could encourage your heart today.
I needed to hear this. I’m having a hard time and feel like I have hit rock bottom. And there in the depths of your own darkness our loving God will not let us be. I am grateful for his patience and ever lasting kindness and more often than not feel tired and weary from day to day things. He is the rock and he is always there ready to lift us up!
I’m so glad this post could speak to your heart today, dear Julie. Lifting you up in prayer! I am also grateful for His patience!!
Father, Bless Lauren today for being Your blessing to so many others… strengthen her body, continue to strengthen her spirit as she rests in You… thank You Father, for being our Great Physician, our sustainer… in Jesus’ name…
Thank you so much for your kind words, dear Leanne. Blessings and joy to you!
Lauren, the enemy is a liar! I pray that God will continue to give you His strength to resist him.
Yes he IS a LIAR! Thank you for your prayers. Blessings to you as well, Aminata!
What great encouragement!! Jesus is always so tender and gentle with us in our doubts, continuing to woo us to trust Him.
Amen. So, so thankful for His compassion on us.
I really like this wonderful book by Lauren Gaskill. It is also a great gift for others – Christmas is coming – or as a birthday present.
Thanks so much for the book shoutout for “Into the Deep,” friend. Grace, joy and peace to you this Christmas season!
Lauren, what a joy it is to have your words here on (in)courage today. Your faith is inspiring! I know God is your strength, your portion, your joy. Your words help buoy us all up with encouragement to keep reaching out to the One who saves. xx
Thanks, dearest Becky! I’m grateful to join (in)courage in this way. Much love to you!!
My heart and soul resonate with every word here, Lauren. Ever grateful to the dear One who buoys us over the waves in His strength and His comfort and His peace. “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair…struck down, but not destroyed.” He is so faithful!! The Lord Jehovah Rapha bless you richly today.
You are a fighter. Not because of who you are but Whose you are. You encourage and instill hope as you allow your journey to be a tool in the Father’s hand. I appreciate and thank you for allowing Christ to speak to my heart and that of others through your life. You are a true blessing Lauren and a wonderful inspiration
Lauren, I am sorry to hear how much pain you are going through. You are right, God’s got this and he will bring you some healing. We just need to trust Him especially when it is hard. Praying for you and sending you love and know that you will find joy again. Thank you for sharing.
Oh Lauren, my heart goes out to you, friend. Praying for you, and so glad I got to be on your launch team.
Lauren.
In this sinful fallen world we will have struggles some big & small. It is so hard to understand why some go through trials unscathed & others have many issues. Why must some suffer so much & others go through life intact. I can;t comprehend the immense pains & battles you face daily. You are a gem to those suffering with chronic pain. Thank you for spreading the news & being a living example of Jesus. God bless you for pointing everyone to Jesus their only hope. The journey of faith may be full of unknowns, but with Jesus, you’ll discover that though the waters rage, you will always rise above. Yes!!! We can rise above our circumstances & be overcomers!
Blessings 🙂