It’s 3:30 am, and I find myself waking again with a jolt. My eyes, blurry and still half-dreaming, dart open, and my ears burn from the faint cries of my baby girl, growing ever louder across the room. My sleeping body begins to rise as the adrenaline pumps through my veins, and I become more alert to my little one’s cries for hunger and the need for another feed.
But that’s when I cringe.
I’m still only one week postpartum, and the incisions from my c-section burn like a knife ripping through my whole stomach as I try to move. I grab the side of the bed and pull myself up as fast as I can, biting my lip to stave off my own cries. This is the fifth time this evening I’ve gotten up to feed her, and my body feels like it wants to quit on me already. But I push on.
Thankfully, my feet finally hit the floor, and I make the slow walk to her crib. I nurse her, change her diaper, and rock her for what seems like an eternity before she falls back asleep. But before she does, she wiggles and coos in the dark, her eyes wide open and alert, and my own head begins to nod just a little. I’m now fighting back pain and exhaustion, while holding this oh-so-precious gift of life in my hands, and yet another feeling sinks in — despair.
Will she ever fall asleep? What if she stays awake all night? How much longer can I keep rocking her before the pain in my abdomen becomes too great to bare? Why is she awake again anyway? I just fed her thirty minutes ago. Did I not feed her long enough?
My mommy guilt digs in deep, and that’s when I begin to cry. I begin asking God, even begging Him, to help my sweet baby girl fall back asleep. Truth be told, it’s in many ways a selfish prayer – my body hurt, and I want to crawl back into my own warm bed and pass out from exhaustion.
But that’s when God speaks to my heart.
In the darkness of my bedroom, as I rock my little girl, with the pain and the exhaustion, God’s words come to me: “This is the good life.”
Here I am focusing on all the negative aspects of the moment — my own struggles and pains, the not-so-perfectness of this night — and yet God is challenging me to change my perspective.
Isn’t this little girl I hold in my hands the answer to a year-long prayer for another child? Isn’t she healthy and wonderful and beautiful, made in God’s own image? Did my heart not burst with joy and love and gratitude for her the moment she was born? Yes, yes, and yes!
As I begin thinking about all this, I realize something: just because something is hard, it doesn’t mean it is not good.
I have a lot to be grateful for — even the fact that my little girl is hungry is a sign of her healthy appetite and that she is growing. I still cry at this point, but now my tears are tears of joy.
The pain is not gone, and every time I bounce her up and down, the muscles and skin around my incision pull and stretch in the most terrible ways. My eyes still want to shut, and my body is just as weary and exhausted as it was ten minutes prior. But now I’m not thinking about those things. Instead, I am thanking God for all the wonderful things in that moment and especially for my baby girl.
The day is probably still going to be a bit rough. Let’s face it, I’m going to be sleep-deprived beyond my imagination. And my toddler son will most likely be waking in a few hours, typically kickstarting our day before the sun even rises. I’m not sure if I will be able to get a nap in today or shower for that matter, but my perspective and attitude on the days and nights to come has changed.
In welcoming a new (and second) baby into our family, my whole world has changed. I can see it as twice as challenging and exhausting or I can see it as doubly good. What God has given our family — in my toddler son and now newborn girl — is an incredible blessing, and He wants me to enjoy them each and every day.
There’s something beautiful in that truth. I think of the verse in Ecclesiastes that states,
And I commend joy, for man has nothing better under the sun but to eat and drink and be joyful, for this will go with him in his toil through the days of his life that God has given him under the sun.
Ecclesiastes 8:15 (ESV)
Sister, our lives will be hard. There will be trials and challenges at every turn. But it is also the life God has given us, and for this reason it will always be good. May we find joy today, even in the hardships, and trust in God’s goodness through it all.
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Yesterday’s entry in my gratitude journal was long. The garden is exploding with vegetables, the sun was shining–but then there were two very discouraging details of life that had blown up the day before. Writing down the hard- but-good of God’s plan for our family right now was also hard-but-good, and I’m grateful for your fellowship in believing that everything is a gift, even though we may not see the purpose for it in the moment.
Thanks for your good words, Michele! And, oh how I wish I could be out journaling in my garden today too (except that is 104 in Austin!!). Isn’t life always full of joys and struggles, sometimes all at the same time? I like your phrase: God’s “hard-but-good” plan for our life. Amen!
As I read your words it takes me straight back to when my third was born, with her sister barely 1 yrs old and her brother 4.5 yrs old. I feel you, sleep deprivation is a killer! But as my son (eldest) is about to turn 12 tomorrow although I am grateful what I would give to go back to those night feeds. That special baby smell and their total dependence on you, the quiet night when it’s just you and baby were such a blessing. Yes it was so hard but it goes quickly, it doesn’t feel it at the time but you will heal, you will get to sleep and life will get easier as you adjust to your new normal. I’m so glad you find comfort in God and he has changed your perspective, we’re so lucky and blessed cause he’s always with us x
Thank you for your perspective Jas! I’m midway through my pregnancy with my third baby, and those sleepless nights and tough emotional recoveries are one of my fears when this baby is born. But baby is by all accounts healthy, and without a doubt is a blessing straight from God for us. Thank you for reminding me of the bigger picture this morning!
Michelle, you are so right that sometimes what is hard can be good. Thank you for this poignant reminder 🙂
What a great perspective, Jas! My life will not always be full of sleepless nights and little babies to cuddle – I’m trying to enjoy every minute of it, despite how physically taxing it can be! Keeping my mind fixed on the goodness of God and His blessings in my life protects my heart and keeps me focused on the right stuff.
I loved this tho not your pain! Same with God—He loves it when I see His hand, but cries with me when I’m hurt, scared or disappointed. Once a parent always a parent, and it’s hard and oh so good. Thanking God alongside you today. Thank you Michelle.
Thank you, Sue!
Wow, just what I needed especially the last line… May we find joy today, Even in the hardships and trust in God’s goodness through it all.
Praise God! Thanks for your comment, Tricia!
Amen, amen, and amen! Thank you for the reminder and may God give you supernatural strength of body and heart as you heal and care for your little ones, Michelle!
Thank you, Melissa! I appreciate your encouragement! Isn’t it beautiful how the (in)courage community brings women together to speak such life-giving words over each other? Grateful for your words.
Thank you for such a lovely writing. I’m a grandma raising two grandsons. I woke up early wondering about wake up my oldest to go to his last year at middle school. I opened my laptop to write about the arrival of baby Oliver in my life. Your writing reminded me as God cares for the lilies of the valley, He will watch over you, Michelle. Hugs
Hi Marinalva! Wow! What a special role you get to play in those two boys’ lives! Thanks for sharing a piece of your story and for the reminder that God cares for us just as He “cares for the lillies of the valley.” Amen!
“…trust God’s goodness through it all.” ♥ That’s the key to contentment, isn’t it? Trusting that in the best of times and in the worst of times, He is good. The “good” that looks like “hard” on the surface, is the sweetest kind of goodness much of the time, isn’t it? Eyes to see, Lord, give us eyes to see. — Thanks for sharing, Michelle, and congrats on your newest family member! 🙂
What a beautiful prayer, Brenda! That is, indeed, the key to contentment. Such a good word.
Michelle,T
Yo are spot on with this post. This life down here is hard. We will have trials & tribulations. Our sufferings are good for us. They produce perseverance & perseverance character & character hope. Romans 5:3-4. There is always something good to glean from trials. My faith & patience were strengthened & matured. He has blessed me to witness two miracles. Thus I have a great
story to begin my witness. These trials are but for a moment-although it may seem longer sometimes-when compared to eternity.
Blessings 🙂
Beth, what a beautiful story! I need to remind myself that too – that our sufferings can also produce greater perseverance, character and hope within us. I think that will be my prayer tonight at 3 a.m. 🙂
What a blessing to read this today! Yes, it is true just because something is hard doesn’t mean it isn’t good. Words to live by as we continue to toil on this earth. Praying for you and your family Michelle!
Thank you, Connie!
I, too, remember well the sleep deprivation when our three children were small. It IS a hard season, but oh so GOOD! You are one smart Mama, Michelle, to focus on the blessings. That alone will go a long way to counter the weight of exhaustion. ‘Wish I had been more intentional about celebrating the good during that time period of my life. P.S. My babies are now 38, 41, and almost 44. One of the sweetest blessings of all is when our children grow up to become friends!
Nancy, that is beautiful! Thanks for sharing your encouragement with me today!
I love this, my youngest, also the second, is just 2 and all those nights I never knew if I’d be back up again in 10 minutes I just prayed “Dear God, thank you for Melanie” every time I climbed back in bed, and it made a huge difference. I was just thinking earlier this week that I stopped saying that prayer after the first year and need to start saying it again. When my patience is running thin, when there’s popsicle staining the staircase walls, to pray “Dear God, thank you for (insert name)” instead of feeing overwhelmed or frustrated. To be grateful even in the exhaustion changes everything. Best wishes to you and your family.
What a great prayer! I definitely need to do this with my little girl right now too. Prayer is so important, and especially praying over our children by speaking their names aloud. So simple, yet so powerful. Thank you for these good words.
Thank you for sharing your joy in midst of real struggle. Truly encouraging!
Thank you, Abigail!
Thank you Michelle for these reminders of what is true. In our minds goodness should equal “easier.” The Bible never says that. In fact the Bible says “when we have troubles,” not “if.” In the blessings, in the goodness from God, even in our obedience, things are still hard. Storms still come. But God is faithful. He already knows about the hard times, the difficult times, the storms. Thankful for a God that leads us through what He already knows. Thank you Michelle.
Melissa – Amen! The more we read God’s word, the more we see how trials and struggles are a big part of the life of a believer. I love how you said, “even in our obedience, things are still hard.” And God is still good too! Thanks for sharing this!
Oh, you capture those exhausting long and longer nights so well! If I could express mail you a full night’s sleep I would do it in a heartbeat. You are in the thick of it, friend! It is hard. Period. But you are so right to see the good in the midst of the hard — one does not discount the other. Praying for you as you heal and press on and keep giving thanks for this good good life. xx