As we ate our takeout and queued up our shows on the DVR, my husband and I caught up on the business of the week. We talked again about our daughter’s behavior, and I confessed something I’d realized about the situation. “I can’t start fresh,” I whispered. “My frustrations just keep building and building, and there’s no break, no relief, no blank slate.”
The conversations about our daughter’s disobedience and disrespect began bringing other issues to the table — namely, our tempers. We realized that our short fuses were contributing to the problem, but we didn’t know how to fix it. And I knew that this fresh start thing was part of it.
Without a fresh start, there’s no forgiveness. I couldn’t find my way out of the garbage heap of anger. I couldn’t see the light of grace.
Of course, everyone says that admitting your problem is the first step — and it is. But even though this realization — and the courage to describe it out loud to my husband — felt huge, it wasn’t enough. I needed to make a change for our family. I needed to do something different.
I wish I could say that difference happened naturally, on its own, that somehow I magically learned how to forgive and forget and shower my child and myself with grace. (I imagine an Oprah scenario here. YOU get some grace! And YOU get some grace! EV-ER-Y-BODY gets some grace!)
But that wouldn’t be true.
What happened instead was that I kept feeling angry and frustrated, I kept losing my temper with my disobedient, disrespectful little girl. And I kept remembering that I am part of the problem. I would put her to bed, so mad at the latest argument and so glad to be finished with the day, and then I would cry because I didn’t know how to stop feeling that way.
But then as I lamented our struggle to her first-grade teacher, something did change. My daughter’s teacher suggested we use the same color-coded behavior chart at home that they use in the classroom. I knew several months into this school year how important the color chart was to my daughter.
Every afternoon, her response to my question, “How was your day?” was what color she was on: A green day was good, average, normal, nothing to see here. A yellow (or even red) day meant she was crying before she even got in the car. A blue or pink day, though, was cause for celebration — high fives and hugs all around!
We’d made a half-hearted attempt to use a color chart at home before, and it didn’t help at all. But at this point, I was not just angry and frustrated; I was disappointed in myself and a little desperate for help.
And it worked. It worked! But not for the reasons I expected.
See, at school the colors came with consequences, and the good colors came with prizes. Plus, there was the added incentive of your classmates knowing where you stood each day. But none of that was in play at home. I wasn’t about to give out prizes for simple obedience, and her baby sister didn’t care what color my daughter was on.
What made the difference was that at the end of the day, no matter how ugly or difficult or red it was, I moved my daughter’s pin back to green. Every day started at green. Every day started fresh, blank, clean. It had the potential to be better or worse, but it started on green.
Something about physically moving that clothespin back to the green spot on our laminated color chart reset my heart, too. Even after the worst days, that simple gesture lifted a burden from my heart. Moving my daughter’s pin back to green let me breathe again. It helped me love her better, again. And it reminded me that because of God’s great mercy I get to start on green each day, too.
The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease.
Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning.
Lamentations 3:22-23
Mary says
Hi Mary, thank you for this illustration. I need to reset my day sometimes and forgive myself for my less that stellar behaviors. What a beautiful post of forgiveness of others and ourselves. This is beautiful!
Mary Carver says
Yes – sometimes forgiving myself is the hardest of all!
Michele Morin says
Oh, Mary, YES!
A huge hallelujah for those new mercies everyday that move my clothespin back to green!
(And I’m hoping I can walk away from this screen holding the image of Oprah’s grace give away. You have such a gift for broadcasting smiles!)
Mary Carver says
Oh, thank you for your kind words, Michele. New mercies every single day is definitely worth a hallelujah!
Jessica says
FANTASTIC! You give rays of light into the dark anger and resentment in this Mommy’s brain – I love this mental reset each night that gives Mom-peace and I’m putting a color chart up today!!
Jessica says
I’m putting up my chart tomorrow too! What perfect timing after the past couple of weeks as I’ve felt at my wits end with my first grade daughter also. I too know I am to blame as I am also feeling angry with her more easily each day. Thank you for these words today!!
Mary Carver says
I hope it helps, Jessica! It really made a difference for us, and I’ve gone back to this concept many times since then.
Sharon Pankey says
Oh my! I really needed this and funny thing is I didn’t realize I needed this until I saw the title. I’m so thankful you shared. This is definitely what God wanted me to see this morning. God Bless!
Sharon
Mary Carver says
I love it when God gives us what we need before we even realize we need it! Blessings to you, Sharon!
Niki Hardy says
Mary I just LOVE this!!!
And you my friend.
xxx
Mary Carver says
Thank you, Niki – and right back at you! 🙂
Jeannie says
We ALL need a fresh start! And by Jesus’ sacrifice, we all can CHOOSE to get one! Wash me clean this morning, Lord, because You love me more than I love myself, and You understand my sins and failures more than I ever could. Dust off the throne of my heart, Jesus, and make it Yours. Thy will be done in my life today. Thank You, for Calvary. Thank You, for a fresh start. I praise Your Holy Name!
Kristen says
Ahhh…so wonderful to read this this morning! My heart is in that exact place of feeling no break, no relief, no blank slate with my 16 year old daughter. As a believer in Christ who has been forgiven much and who is shown grace day in and day out, why is it so hard for me to do to the same? I’m praying God will show me a kind of “color chart” I can use with my daughter to help us reset each day. Something that will give us hope for the day instead of anxiety. Thanks for sharing your heart and how God is changing it!
Annie says
I’m trying to think how to adapt this for my term daughter as well – and I welcome any thoughts / ideas / suggestions !
Annie says
*teen* daughter…. 😉
Rebecca Jones says
Bible journaling, and the coloring books are loaded with verses, It does help to calm and relax you and sow in the Word. Most girls like art.
Roberta says
How about emojis?
Mary Carver says
If you all think of any older-kid versions of this, I’d love to hear them! I have a 10-year-old who needs something a little different than this color chart (even though I still respond quite well to the colors!). 🙂
Cindy Jolly says
I love a surprise ending! The visual of the heart-resetting green starting card is just beautiful. What a picture of God’s grace and mercy and of the importance of remembering to extend these gifts to ourselves, too. Thank you, Mary.
Shanice says
Thank you for sharing Mary! As a mother to a three year boy, I often feel guilty when I yell or lose my patience with him. I condemn myself and end up repeating the behavior. However, your post reminds me I can start over fresh with each new day.
Mary Carver says
Parenting does a great job of showing us just how badly we all need God’s fresh mercies, doesn’t it?! 🙂
Leslie says
Thank you for this word of renewal this am, I certainly needed it. My daughter is 19, and we have had these moments for 17 years. I often feel hopeless and encourage myself to wait out the storm, but anger has manifested lately moreso out of just being over it… I’ve even withdrew from the constant feeling of walking on egg shells to working later just to avoid the roller coaster of emotions.. I always feel a mixture of relief and shame for doing so. My heart breaks for her as she has been raised in grace, love and forgiveness but has sought a worldly approach to bring her comfort which she admits is not working but continues to drive deeper into the gutter… I am thankful again for your encouragement and I am excited to do an older version of a chart to reset the day after all that is the word for his grace is sufficient and we are renewed each morning.. so I will use our dry erase board to wipe the slate clean each day to remind me to forgive and think on it no more…
God Bless,
Leslie
Mary Carver says
Leslie, I love your plan to use a dry erase board. I may use that for my 10yo (and me)! Praying your daughter responds to your (and God’s) love and patience and grace.
Maggie says
I love that color chart!
I will suggest it to my daughter-in-law when it comes time to deal with my beautiful grandchildrens behavior.
I love spicy questo too! Yum!
Love, Maggie
Brenda says
Thanks for sharing… not everyone may relate to where you’re coming from, but it helps women come together as sisters tonpray for each other even if our struggles may be different.
I have been in a season of extreme stress for over a year now. From my husbands hospitalizations last year, Car accident in the fall, foreclosure and illness taking its toll and turns in our family. My oldest received news that after finally being cleared from a concussion, he may have lymphoma, then broke his hand playing baseball in the outfield right before Easter… did I mention he’s our lead guitar at our small church ;( he’s a senior in HS )
Lastly my middle son has missed school due to GI issues that should have gone away in days….lasting over a month, still testing for causes. Hopes diminish, exhaustion sets in and honestly….yesterday I just curled up and slept almost the day away! I felt so guilty, and yet the Lord in His Word says, to “Be Still…and know that I Am God!” So I regrouped late last night and read about how God is faithful and will fight for His own. I don’t always have to have the answers or the miracle treatment for my family. Maybe not even time or energy to make homemade soup, but can enjoy sitting down to eat chicken noodle out of a can with peace in my heart. Why do I put so much pressure on myself…,that I never seem to get a break. The year has been almost unbearable, but God is good and His mercies are new every morning! We appreciate your prayers! 😉
BB
Penny says
Brenda,
So sorry to hear of all of your struggles. Prayers that all will be well. Take one step at a time.
Have a blessed day,
Penny
Brenda says
Thank you so very much really can use prayers! Blessings to you and your family
Mary Carver says
Brenda – wow. That is so much to bear – too much! For what it’s worth, sleeping for a day sounds like an excellent way to take care of yourself as you cope with all this. Praying God sends hope, relief, and healing soon.
Brenda says
Thank you for your prayers & encouragement. Really appreciate it. Each day is a giftFrom God, & I must choose how I use it…blessings
Diane Thiel says
And green it is….. wevare new every morning praise God
Barbara says
Mary, I love this! I’m 70, not 7, and thrilled to go back to green this morning. Just thinking how much greater God’s grace is than a first grade teacher’s elates my heart.
Penny says
Mary,
this was refreshing, thank-you so much for sharing with us this morning.
Have a blessed day all,
Penny
Brenda says
Reading this, I think I often take for granted His mercies. Every day back to green. Mercies “afresh” each morning. (I love that translation.) And, ya know, I bet those “new” mercies are literally new. Non-recycled from days past, but brand new mercies, fresh out of their packaging, for a brand new day. Tearing up at the thought of His constant love. And faithfulness. Oh, His faithfulness; always being a God of His word and modeling grace. — Thanks for this sweet word today, Mary. ♥
Mary Carver says
Brenda, I love that clarification – brand-new, not recycled. Thank God for that!
K Ann Guinn says
This is beautiful, and needed. Yes, I often struggle to “start fresh” with myself and others, but I SO desire to extend to them (and myself) the grace that God so lavishly gives to us.
Thanks for sharing your very real, normal struggle and your wonderful response and what God showed to you.
Blessings.
Andrea says
We’re struggling with something similar with our teenage son – you’ve just inspired me to visualizing resetting his (and my!) day each day. Thank you – I really needed to read this today!
Beth Williams says
Mary,
OH yes! I often kick myself for how I behaved & what I said the day before. Too often we forget His mercies are new-Brand New each day. He wipes the slate clean & puts the pin back on green. Raising children in today’s world is tough-super tough. But Praise God He gives us new mercies daily to try again. We get to start over each day. It is hard to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we make. If God can forgive us then why can’t we forgive ourselves? We need to pray each night & ask for the forgiveness & do our best the next day.
Blessings 🙂
Rebecca Jones says
Having worked with children, I’ve tried it all. Stickers, rewards, time-outs, timers for activities, even baking cookies. Most do very well and are receptive. But I have run across a few that nothing appears to work with, even some that are not interested in hearing Bible stories, that concerns me. Singing is a good outlet. Quiet time is a must. Art or Bible journaling. I try to teach the fruit of the Spirit, starting with love and ending in self control. The Lord has dealt with me about anger, the latest two I have worked with, have loud voices, defiant attitudes, anger issues. I was being loud to combat their loud, it wasn’t working. And we are to be angry and sin not, and certainly not go to bed that way. Having a family daycare was different, fostering or being a parent 24/7 can be exhausting. Especially keeping them out of adult discussions. I don’t think we need to let bad behavior slide by, prayer is the key and He does give us a blank slate. I try my best not to rehearse the past. I ask the Lord to bless everyone who reads this and call good things into your life, in Jesus name.