Sometimes you don’t realize you have a temper till you have kids.
And then one night someone carves a pattern into the leather sofa. Or someone dumps a pencil sharpener out all over the floor. Or breaks your jewelry box. Or drops your phone in the toilet. After you’ve told them not to touch it.
Or creates a mud bath from a hole and a hosepipe on your front lawn. Right where all the neighbors have the best view. Or someone else gets out of bed for the ten thousandth time. When you’ve just finally sat down and there’s only an hour left before exhaustion slams into your eyelids.
There’s no rage like the exhausted rage of motherhood.
These are the things they don’t talk about in the parenting books, or play groups, or coffee dates. How you will one day lose your ever-loving mind because two boys sat and watched their sister pour an entire bottle of red food coloring all over the beige carpet and didn’t think to stop her.
These are the ragged fringes of motherhood that don’t make for pretty pictures.
These are the moments that no one teaches you about in the nursing classes, or includes with the instructions for putting the baby to bed on her back, or thinks to write on a warning label.
It was late one night when I stood outside my sons’ slammed bedroom door that I remembered the one time someone had cautioned me on temper.
I was a senior in college. And there was a couple in our class who got pregnant and married and brought their bundle of toddling, delicious chub with them all over campus.
We were all sort of awed and infatuated by this threesome.
We’d bump into them in the dining hall, hand over our meal card to contribute lunch, babysit their boy with the forever long, dark lashes in Jenks Library, take him for dimpled walks under those big East Coast trees.
I was a South African girl a long way from home. I missed the horizon.
But that baby reminded us all of family and that there was a slice of life far beyond these dorm room walls that we hadn’t tasted yet.
They’d have us over for dinner in their small, beautiful space and it was a welcome warmth away from bunk beds and communal bathrooms. This place they’d carved out that always had room for one more of us to crowd around their table and spill over onto their sofas.
They made it look so easy.
I never offered to help, not really. I babysat around campus because it made me interesting to cute boys and friends who would always stop by to share in the fun of the baby. But I didn’t ask what it was really like – this juggling a family and a full class schedule at the same time. Or how to fit work into the mix.
I was much too interested in the story of me.
But there was one night after we’d come over to meet beautiful baby number two that the door swung open on a world I couldn’t begin to imagine.
She was sitting in their small apartment, both boys asleep, telling me the story of temper. It struck me as odd that this is what she would choose to tell me. Not how precious the kids or how priceless the moments, but that,
Lisa-Jo, if you struggle with temper at all you better learn how to control it before you have kids. Because you can’t parent with an out of control temper.
My head is resting against the bedroom door as I remember her words.
At the time I barely heard her.
A decade later and I am intimately acquainted with the wild temper that runs in these veins, inherited from generations before me and last night’s discovery that the boys had dug holes all over the new lawn.
More than the battle of sleeplessness or figuring out how to make broccoli appealing or mastering potty training for the third time, this full out war against my own angry, shouty spirit will be the biggest victory I am determined to win through motherhood.
Tame it I will.
Because when my son gets out of bed and is too afraid to ask the question burning in his heart because, as he lisps, “I was scared you’d be mad at me, Mama,” I know this is a fight worth winning. I know by the awful pit in my stomach. And how hard I hug his long, gangly limbs.
Because there was a moment last week when I held Jackson’s hand as we walked through the grocery store parking lot and I asked him, “Do I lose my temper more or less than I used to?” and he cocked his head to the side, thoughtful behind his glasses and said, “less.”
Dear God, please help it keep being less.
Because I want to be a safe place, a Cape of Good Hope for these kids, no matter how much they may infuriate me at times.
I will not be ruled by my tongue or my temper.
I will not be controlled by my out-of-control reactions.
I will stop, drop, and take a time out. Behind locked bathroom doors or alone in the minivan if necessary.
I will quiet myself amidst the chaos. I will hold onto my run-away-frustration and chew hard on a piece of ice if that’s what it takes to cool down.
I will remember to eat. To treat myself with the same care I’d treat an explosive device and disarm with regular rest, exercise, food, and friendship.
I want my kids to have memories crammed full of family as a safe place and not an unpredictable hot spot.
So I learn when it’s OK to say OK to another episode on Netflix. This is better than a mother unhinged by her own limitations and the craft that went all wrong
I teach them what it looks like to say sorry; down on my knees and eye to eye. I say the words that can stick in the throat but that are like sacred, unexpected treasure when you place them in the tiny hands of your children.
And then I will move on. I won’t carry the baggage of yesterday’s explosion or last week’s near meltdown into tomorrow. I will practice grace on purpose. To my tiny people and myself.
I will keep on with the laughter and watermelon seed spitting and ice cream serving and bedtime reading and diaper changing and vacation celebrating.
I will live in this one new, beautiful, white canvas of right now and not be afraid to paint all over it with the wild abandon of today. Grateful always for the gift of tomorrow.
***
If you’re a mom who can relate, then I’d love to invite you to try my Temper Toolkit.
The Temper Toolkit is a labor of love from me to you — a collection of practical strategies, honest stories, and biblical resources from one mom to another to help you take control of your temper BEFORE you lose it.
Leave a Comment
Dodee A Green says
Wow! Did I need that. I am the MeeMee now, but watch at least 2, sometimes 4or 5 of my grandkids daily. I have reverted to the me of 25 years ago. Lol thanks for the reminder.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
You’re not alone by a long shot 🙂
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Lisa-Jo,
I will have to check out your temper toolkit (where were you almost 30 years ago when I needed you?). Maybe one day I’ll be like Dodee and get to have a “do over”. I remember, when my kids were little, thinking I had a buzzer on my behind – that anytime I ever sat down, even for two seconds, the buzzer would go off and someone would scream, “MOM!!!”. There were days I wanted to change my name. I didn’t want to be “Mom”. I don’t naturally have a wicked temper, but you are so right in saying that the challenges of motherhood (combined with sleep deprivation and pure exhaustion) will eventually bring out the worst in us. I remember times I would lie in bed after a particularly difficult day and I’d pray,”Lord, save my children from me.” I’d pray earnestly for more patience and the wisdom for how to pick my fights. Thank goodness His mercies are new every morning. I also learned how to ask forgiveness from my children when I behaved badly. Maybe I taught them a lesson in mercy?? I hope so…Such a poignant post!
Blessings,
Bev xx
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Hey there Bev – yes learning how to ask for forgiveness has been such a big and important part of this journey!
Francesca @verriwell.com says
Lisa-Jo,
Your post has given me more hope than you know. Thank you for this timely piece…*so* beautifully written! And I will check out your temper toolkit so I can learn to no longer be “unhinged” by my own limitations and this crazy craft we call parenting. 🙂
Bless you!
Francesca
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Hey there Francesca – so glad to hear that and hoping the Temper Toolkit helps you write a new story of life and hope in your home!!
Michele Morin says
Thank you for going first in this conversation. My littles are all teens and up now, but I remember the struggle, and also the shame that went with it. Saying it, asking for help, knowing that you are not alone — there is so much help just in this.
Jean Short says
My “littles” are now 38 and 41 y/o, yet Lisa Jo’s words bless me so. I’m a devoted fan of your writing, your words and your heart, seeking to be more like you. The scenes you describe were me, from feeling the rage of my father to shrieking at my kids for being kids. While Christ has changed me into the mother I need and want to be now, I carry heavy guilt for my failures when my children needed me to be that mother then. Just knowing this is not just me who responded wrongly allows me to breathe in grace for myself. Thank you.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Yes it’s always such a huge relief to know there’s another “me too” out there, isn’t it?
Kelly R Smith says
Thank you for this, Lisa-Jo. I spent four hours coaxing my three-year-old to poop on the potty. He did it, but there were a lot of struggles along the way. I appreciate your honesty and the space for me to say “me too.”
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Oh Kelly, I remember those days well! I’m hoping the Temper Toolkit is the kind of encouragement you can take along with you for those hard days.
Pearl Allard says
“I will remember to eat. To treat myself with the same care I’d treat an explosive device and disarm with regular rest, exercise, food, and friendship.” Love the imagery! And it’s not selfish to do so, because it shows we’re leaving control in God’s hands and using our energy for what we CAN control (ourselves). Thank you, Lisa-Jo!
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Amen to that!! And I have a whole lesson in the Temper Toolkit on the biblical importance of moms learning to take the time to defuse 🙂
Melissa says
This is the best, most useful blog article I’ve read in a long time! Thank you for your vulnerability and being real! So many of us need to hear these words! I certainly know this mama did!
Lisa-Jo Baker says
I’m SO glad to hear that Melissa – and here’s hoping if you visit us at http://tempertoolkit.com/join you’ll find even more encouragement!
Jessica says
Just what a Mom of 3 under 8 yrs old needed -Thank you for reminding me that I’m not the only warrior on the front line of battles with tempers!
Lisa-Jo Baker says
I’m so so glad to hear that Jessica! Would love to invite you to check out the community over here http://tempertoolkit.com/join
Mary says
Lisa-Jo,
Oh thank you for this. I will be a first time “Granny ” sometime this month. My grandson is due February 21, and I am waiting eagerly for his birth. There were a few times of temper with my 2, thirty something girls, but it has been forgotten as we wait for our bundle of joy.
Mary
Lisa-Jo Baker says
How exciting Mary!! Congratulations!!
Dyana says
THANK YOU for this post! I feel so guilty when I lose my marbles with my four-year-old. She is such a forgiving little soul, and sometimes I have to sit back and take a deep breath. Everyone glorifies motherhood, and it’s not until you are a mother that you discover all the not-so-great aspects of it that have been hidden.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Dyana – I have SO been there. I share a ton of my own embarrassing stories over in the Temper Toolkit — feel free to come and check it out http://tempertoolkit.com/join
andrea says
Thank you God for your unending Grace and thank you Lisa for this honest post! I’ve carried around guilt and shame for 5 years. Ever since my son was born it’s been difficult. He wouldn’t fed,sleep and cried alot. I lost my temper plenty of times. I’ve felt like #1 worst mom. Now he’s in Kindergarten and we are going through the Autism assessment process. Everyday is a battle. I still have many questions like what did I do wrong Lord? If you Lord entrusted me with Dresden why does it seem like I’m failing him and you? Lately I’ve been clinging onto Psalm 46:1, God an ever present help in trouble. It’s time for me to give God my guilt and shame and embrace His grace.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Oh Andrea, I’ve been there so many times. Just know you are not alone, you are not a bad mom and that we can write new stories for our families — I so hope you come and check out the Temper Toolkit http://tempertoolkit.com/join
Brenda says
This is so beautiful to read. As a grandmother at this point in my life, I want to encourage all of you moms to learn to laugh at all those days when you feel like your head is spinning and you just need another adult to talk to. Those things your little ones have done or are in the process of doing, can actually be such good memories down the road. Like all of us, I wasn’t the perfect mom, but I loved being a mom. My son is grown now, and the joy I have is thinking back on all those times when it seemed so hard, but allowing God to help me through. I now get to love and enjoy my two grandsons. What a blessing.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
What a wonderful season, Brenda!
Renee Swope says
You are friend with a superhero cape on today!! Thank you for the brave heart work of starting this conversation and offering hope to all us mamas from the most raw, vulnerable places of your story. Cheering, praying and nodding my head, amen! love you LJ!!
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Thanks so much for all the encouragement Renee – it means the world!
Rebecca L Jones says
This is wisdom, what I’ve been writing about in January. having worked with children, mostly good ones, because I taught them about Jesus from an early age, and we had a few moments of temper. But when my mother took custody of a great niece and nephew, it was another story. We really didn’t know anything about drug abuse and the lifestyle that affected this toddler and baby. Your friend was absolutely right, you can’t parent with a fireball temper. You have to pick your battles. Walk away if you have to. Don’t discipline when you’re angry. In spite of ongoing challenges I still encourage people to foster or adopt, if you can. There is such a need. Just keep sowing the love of Jesus and weed out the bad behavior. These children don’t know what real love is, and sometimes, even we as believers are longing for God, He did not leave us orphans, let Him garden your heart. Oh, yes, hide your make up. It never came off the pillow it was poured on. The other day, I demanded it back, when it was smeared on the sofa. ” I don’t care who took it, I want it on my desk. ” It wasn’t, but a couple of days later days later I open the drawer and there it is. I hope it was returned, surely, I wasn’t so frazzled as to put it there. You’ve got to laugh, and cry if you need too. God understands.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Such a good word, Rebecca. Thank you friend!
Nancy Ruegg says
I’ve been amazed how my children have practiced grace on ME. I made so many mistakes as a mom, but in spite of my failures I now enjoy three grown children who are friends, not just relatives. One time I nervously asked our third child, then in his early twenties, to rate his childhood on a scale of 1-10, one being absolutely horrible and ten being over-the-top terrific. I was hoping he’d say at least seven, but I was doubtful. Imagine my surprise to hear him emphatically shoot back, “Eleven!” Praise God for blessing our little ones with resiliency, forgetfulness (!), and yes, grace.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
I SO get this – I’m constantly surprised by how generous kids are with their forgiveness. It sure preaches to this mama’s heart.
Theresa says
You are so right. Mothering shows me the temper I never thought I had. The joke is red heads have a terrible temper, and I was reminded of this many times growing up. But between my blond haired sister and me, it was obvious that she had the biggest temper. No contest there. I barely had a temper, or so I thought. Enter kids. Ouch. thanks for being honest with us and encouraging us moms. We need to hear the truth, and then pass out a big dose of forgiveness and grace to ourrself and our kids. Because you know what? Jesus is not surprised mothers have a temper. Not at all. And he is there for us. And what better way to show our kids humility and how to act when they mess up, than to admit we messed up and ask their forgiveness. Then like you said, laugh and have fun with them.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
SO agree Theresa – I have a whole session in the Temper Toolkit unpacking all the scriptures that clearly show anger is one of God’s emotions — and it’s what we do with that anger that makes all the difference.
Jana says
Tears. Of relief? Joy? I think-peace. Peace that can hit us Moms deep down as the forgiveness of God is lavished on us in this battle against our flesh and through the vulnerability of this post. BLESS YOU. And thank you for writing it down. 🙂
Lisa-Jo Baker says
You’re so welcome Jana — and I’m hoping you check out the Temper Toolkit — I promise it’s designed to help moms leave behind their guilt and remind them of how their kids are 100% on purpose and for them and that we can write a new story together: http://tempertoolkit.com/join
Michele says
Lisa-Jo~oh how I wished I had read your post 30 years ago. Due to my own insecurities of trying and striving for perfection I would fly off the handle pouring poison on my own. The looks in their eyes. Makes me sad. Kids will magnify any type of insecurities in a soul. God has changed that insecure young mom and has grown a women of purpose for Him. Now I can love and help grow my two beautiful grandgirlies with a tamed temper from Christ. The true Ring Master. Thank you for sharing encouragement and truth. Michele
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Love hearing this Michele – it gives so much encouragement.
Michele says
Lisa-Jo~the emotions of temper is not unique to one mom. All mom’s can cry out, “Me too.”
Naomi Fata says
Yes yes I relate. I thought I was doing good – growing as a good Christian should –
Until my kids came along and then I found the anger spewing out- anger at the interruptions and the crying – anger st the constant baby questions and had to ask Dear God what’s wrong with me? Am I the worst mom in the entire world?
Thanks for being so honest and sharing
Kelli McKnight says
As one whose children have just flown the nest, my biggest regrets are the moments (so so many) when my temper ruled out of control. I am glad you wrote this and will share with as many moms as I can!
Beth Williams says
Lisa,
I never had children- not littles. I have had to “raise” my aging parents. Dealing with dementia and all such is hard. Try working full time and running to check on them and see what “mess” they are in today. It was hard for a while, especially with my dad. Now God has blessed me with a “cured” father. He appreciates all I do for him. I get the idea of almost exhausted screaming, the feeling frustrated at what to do or expect.
Blessings 🙂
Melissa says
Wonderful, wonderful post. I needed this. Thank you so much
Mandy says
So glad I’m not the only one! Thank you for this!