My heart began to race. Fire radiated from my chest, down my arms, and up my neck. Sweat beads rolled down my temples.
“No, no. Please, God, no,” I cried. I recognized immediately what was happening to me. “I can’t have a panic attack. Not now.”
I stepped out the back door of my home office hoping the early December Michigan air would cool the fire in my face.
“God, I can’t go back to a life of panic again,” I prayed desperately.
It had been years since I’d had a panic attack. Anxiety and panic had plagued me through adolescence and early adulthood. With the help of my doctor and a community of caring friends and family, God had granted a sweet relief over the past few years.
I returned to my desk and stared at the document I’d been working on, a talk themed “God with Us” for an upcoming Christmas luncheon.
A tower of moving boxes sat in my living room where normally a fresh-cut pine would be covered with decades of handmade Christmas ornaments. The closing date on the sale of our home loomed in a couple weeks. After months of searching, we still couldn’t find a new place to live. Several friends had even offered their basements as temporary homes.
God with us? It sure didn’t feel like it.
I texted my husband and a good friend asking them to pray for me.
I pressed forward, refusing to crumble, crying out to God for help. I took frequent trips outside to breathe in the cool air.
Then these words from Isaiah came to mind:
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze. {Isaiah 43:2}
The fire of panic continued to sweep through my body. My heart raced at every little noise. Yet, my spirit was like a rippleless lake, still as glass.
When the attack began, I felt I had failed in my faith somehow and that’s why this was happening again.
Yet, His Spirit reminded me God was walking with me even through this. He truly is Immanuel – God with us. His presence doesn’t mean we won’t suffer hard things. Some of our struggles may never go away, but He is with us in the midst of them, keeping us, helping us.
A few days later, I stood on a platform looking out at fifty women dressed in their Christmas finest. My emotions were still raw from the panic attack, but I was at peace, and depending on God’s strength to share the message of Immanuel.
Halfway through the talk, I began sharing about my panic attack. As the words rolled off my tongue, my brain was thinking, “What are you doing? This isn’t part of the talk!” It was as though someone else was sharing my story.
After the event a woman approached me. A weary sadness ringed her eyes.
“I’ve been having a panic attack for two days, and I didn’t know what it was until you described what it felt like. I’ve never had one before,” she said.
She shared her struggle, so deep, so much hurt. I listened, hugged her tight, and prayed with her.
As she turned to leave, I said, “God is most definitely looking out for you. I hadn’t planned on sharing that today. I think He had me share it just for you.”
A week later, we found a house to rent and moved in with just enough time to set up a Christmas tree. It’s been a year, and I haven’t had a panic attack since.
I know that during the hectic holiday season I need to take extra care of my spirit and listen closely to the whispers of God’s presence.
No matter what fire or storm may come, no matter how our bodies and brains and loved ones may fail, He is Immanuel. He never fails.
He is God with us.
Leave a Comment
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Amelia,
What a gift that God brought that specific scripture to mind…I have suffered many years with anxiety (OCD) and depression. I know what that panicky feeling feels like. The enemy would love to have us think that we are having those attacks because of a failure of faith. I’ve had people tell me, “Well if you prayed more….if you had more faith….if you read scripture, the attacks would stop.” Unfortunately well wishers can damage even further when they say things like that.
I know everyone is different, but being on medicine enables me to be able to hear and internalize beautiful scriptures like the one in Isaiah. It is one of my favorites. Oh how scripture is a balm to the soul. By sharing our struggles (like you did in your message) we touch and encourage others. Also, like you pointed out, self care is so important – getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, doing good things for ourselves is SO important. Stress can also bring on attacks and moving is right up there on the high stress list. Just like God did not remove the thorn from Paul’s side, sometimes our struggles are not removed, but God promises that His grace will be sufficient for us…and He IS faithful. Thanks for such an encouraging post!
Blessings to you in your move,
Bev
Amelia Rhodes says
Bev, I’m so sorry that you’ve struggled with depression for years too. I took medication as well for years, and it did exactly what you described – helped me think clearly enough to hear and internalize the truth of scripture. While I wouldn’t wish this struggle on anyone, it has in the long run helped me see the Father’s love in personal ways. He definitely cares for us and carries us in the midst of it. Thank you for sharing your story.
Dixie Cassell says
Amelia and Bev, I also have suffered with depression and anxiety. Your words let me know that I am not alone and ,yes, God is truly with me. He has been with me all my life, but I didn’t know Him. He introduced Himself 28 years ago and I am still learning. I have never known such love. The Holy Trinity…Father God, Jesus Christ, and Holy Spirit…They are the meaning of life, They are the reason for everything.
Beth Williams says
Bev,
I’ve witnessed depression & psych issues in people I love. It is hard to watch and deal with. I totally agree that medication is the answer. It can help calm the nerves and relieve some of the stressors. Prayers that the medications help ease the pain. God never said we wouldn’t have struggles, just that He would be there to help us through them! Praying that you continually sense His presence daily. Prayers for no more attacks.
Blessings 🙂
NJ says
Thank you Amelia for your “GOD WITH US” encouragement. I have 2 baby grandchildren, who their parents have chosen to go in unknown territory to me, with these priceless and treasured ones. They ignore them, spending little time with them, alone for long periods of times behind shut doors and are very angry and harsh including things that are normal baby actions. Then they baby-proof nothing, and take so many dangerous chances with them, just saying, “Oh they won’t do that or that will never happen.” They are very irresponsible. These are serious and dangerous things I am talking about, I am not just being over protective. I have gotten much counsel, which agree that this parenting is wrong. I rarely say anything, and when I do it is very short and low-key, 99% of the time, my mouth is shut. But they will not listen to anything I say and cut me off with some short snippy retort and usually do just the opposite. Neither of these parents were not brought up this way and they have bunches of books on good parenting, which they do not pay any attention to. My prayers and only true comfort surround your topic today: “GOD is with those babies, carrying them in HIS arms (Isaiah) and HE is giving HIS angels charge concerning them.” But I pray if there is anything HE wants me to do that is my responsibility, I will hear it from HIM and have HIS power to do it. Thank you for sharing, I woke up to read this first so especially helpful for me.
Brenda says
NJ,
I pray for the protection of these two babies, and wherever there is darkness, it would be brought to light. I pray that He would continue to surround them with His loving kindness, and guard their hearts and minds as they grow. I pray you can find the peace and direction you need in all this.
Anne says
NJ I just prayed for you and your grand babies..the Lord is with you all. Praying for discernment for you in what should be done and for God to move in a mighty way. He is merciful.
Amelia Rhodes says
Oh Lord Jesus, we ask for Your protection and care for these precious grandbabies. You know NJ’s heart for you and for them and every detail of the situation. Please make Your presence known to these children and protect them and bring people into their parents’ lives who will speak truth, love, and concern in ways they can accept. Bless NJ today, and bring Your peace and comfort to her. Amen.
Amy says
I just wanted to share… my Mom lived next to a woman and her two children. She noticed the children were not watched at all when playing outside and they were pretty young. The last straw was when the kids were outside during the winter playing in the snow with no winter clothing on and only in their sleep clothes. It was in New England where it was cold and snowy. She struggled what to do but eventually reported the Mom bease of the sfaery for thsee children. Years later my Mom was approached by a young woman at the mall. She asked if my Mom recognized her. My Mom said no. She said that she was one of the small children that lived near her years prior. Somehow this woman knew my Mom was the person to report her Mother years prior. The young woman thanked my Mom for stepping in. She told my Mom that she saved her and her brother’s life by reporting the Mom. I pray that God will guide you on this and protect these babies.
Priscilla says
I have lived with panic attacks and anxiety since
childhood. I am familiar with what everyone is
saying. Yes. God is with us always. I am concerned
about your grandbabies, I believe God sometimes
places us in a situation for us to do the right thing.
Please consult with a pastor or counselor, now is
not the time to be anxious for what may follow, God
Will be beside you all the way. You are God’s instrument for your grandbabies protection.
An says
NJ, praying hard for your grandbabies-my heart breaks for them as I know what it is like to grow up that way. May our gentle and tender Lord enfold and cradle them in His great and loving arms, sheltering them as He is Moses in the cleft of the rock. May your grandbabies hear His soft voice speaking love to them as may the parents hear His voice touch their hearts. May you be lifted up to see what is needed, to have the clarity of the Holy Spirit leading you 🙂 Amen. Hugs!
Adria says
Excellent story. I have had panic attacks just like what you described. They are aweful to have. Thank you for sharing your story of encouragement and hope.
NJ says
Also I have experienced panic attacks and know how destructive they can be. And I get very upset with myself at how angry I get with GOD, what a sin! How do I expect HIM to answer any of my prayers for the desperate needs of these babies when I get so angry with GOD?
Anne says
NJ Oh honey He knows what is needed and He loves us even when we are angry with Him….He is merciful ….
Thanking Amelia for sharing this ….God knew exactly what He was doing when He ” stayed near”. During that attack….He was preparing you to share with another of His daughters who did not know what she was experiencing…..He. Is. Good.
Amelia Rhodes says
Amen, Anne! He is always near, if we will be still and listen. Took me a long time to get to that place! He is a good, good Father.
Marianne says
Yes. Please tell me to be still and know God is in control! I also am trying to learn
Monica says
Amelia, thank you for sharing your story. I started having what I feel are panic attacks shortly after my father passed away. Although he had his share of health challenges, his death was still sudden and unexpected. I wasn’t ready. Of course we’re never ready to lose a loved one, but the unexpected nature sent me to a scary place. Today, five years later, these episodes are few and much farther between. However, as my family and I now learn how to care for my mom, I feel the panic occasionally return. I never considered this as something in my life that could possibly not go away. And even if that’s not the case for me, I’m still so blessed by the truth of your words. The meat of the story, the nuggets to hold onto – whatever we’re going through – God with us. Those three words are the best way to start any day.
Amelia Rhodes says
Monica, I am so sorry for the loss of your Father. Events like that often do trigger something deep in us and our bodies and brains don’t always know how to respond. It truly becomes a “flight or fight” physical response. Lean into His presence today and remember how much He loves you and will personally show His care for you in the midst of the struggle. May you know His peace and comfort today as you care for your mom and your family.
Monica says
Thank you for these reminders Amelia!
Michelle says
Thank you so much for sharing this. It is beautiful. I too struggled with crushing anxiety. There were times I thought I’d die, and times that during the midst of it…. I had wished that I would, simply to be free. I love how the Lord not only remains with us during it, but then uses it to lift a burden from another struggling sister. Affirming in her that He IS with her, and she receiving the strength to carry on. Thank you again for sharing this. Merry Christmas to you.
Amelia Rhodes says
Michelle, oh I feel the ache of your struggle. He’s a gracious God in redeeming our stories isn’t He? What the enemy may want to use to destroy us, God can use for His glory! Hallelujah! Have a blessed Christmas season!
Lora Leftwich says
Thank you Amelia for sharing this. God is indeed with us. I appreciate the reminder to take extra care during hectic times. That’s just what I’m going to do.
“I know that during the hectic holiday season I need to take extra care of my spirit and listen closely to the whispers of God’s presence.”
Amelia Rhodes says
Lora, yes! Oh may you have a wonderful season of knowing His closeness like never before!
Roxy says
Thank You, Thank you, Thank You Amelia! I haven’t been on anxiety and depression meds for a little over a year now, and recently I have really been struggling with whether or not I should consult with my doctor about taking something again, due to my struggle resurfacing. Just this morning I had an anxiety attack and I prayed for GOD’S intervention and your email arrived and confirmed that HE IS IMMANUEL, HE NEVER FAILS AND HE IS WITH ME.
Amelia Rhodes says
Oh Roxy, I am so glad you are here today. Yes, definitely keep the conversation going with your doctor. I’ve had many, many conversations with mine over the years. Different seasons of life can affect us differently. Praise God that He brought you to my story in the midst of your struggle. He is near, and He loves you so very dearly! You are not alone!
Amanda M. says
This touched my heart this morning as I read it and tears came to my eyes… Thank you for sharing your testimony… There is such power in sharing and testifying to what the Lord has done in your life and it really lifts and encourages those around you, while giving glory to God for what He has done 🙂
Have a very blessed day 🙂
<3 Amanda
Amelia Rhodes says
Thank you, Amanda. Blessings to you today too!
Sandra Platt says
What a beautifullywritten devotion! I am 61,and had those attacks often in the early years of my marriage. I have’t thought about them in a long time. I am proud of the author for sharing so eloquently and openly. I pray many are helped.
Amelia Rhodes says
Sandra, thank you for sharing! I’m so thankful to hear you’ve experienced years of peace from the anxiety attacks. Thank you for your encouragement today.
Renee says
I wanted to thank you for sharing your story with courage and honesty. And for being obedient to God in sharing it. I love how He takes our brokenness and uses it to heal others and ourselves. Blessings for a special peaceful season……
Amelia Rhodes says
Thank you so much, Renee. I’m continually amazed and humbled at how he takes our brokenness and weakness and uses it for His glory. His strength made perfect in our weakness…have a blessed Christmas season!
Jessica Pedevillano says
Thank you for sharing. I am reminded that what God allows may not actually be FOR us directly. We learn from our situations…at least I try to ;),
But what we are handed and HOW we maneuver through is for His Glory. Others are listening, watching, and God is tyohat be honored in all we are….
Your attack helped a woman define her emotions, He used you to help her.
May I be used today to bring Him glory and accept it as such.
Amelia Rhodes says
Thank you Jessica. Your willingness to be used for His work and glory is beautiful! Thank you for the encouragement.
shelly says
Thank you for writing this. While I am blessed not to suffer from panic attacks, I certainly suffer from my share of debilitating moods, especially during the holidays. Yesterday was particularly difficult, I ended up throwing a bunch of flowers someone gave me. How out of control is that?!
The words from Isaiah calm me. In my most painful moments, God is with me. I need to keep that thought in the front of my mind all the time, but especially this season, when schedules and family and functions are all wound so tight.
Today I am going to quiet my mind as often as I can, so I can hear God whisper. Thank you for that sentiment. Beautiful.
Amelia Rhodes says
Oh Shelly, we each have our battles and sometimes they come out of seemingly nowhere! I’m sorry you had a difficult day yesterday, and I pray today is better. We’re always learning and growing, and there is always grace. So much grace!! May you hear His whispers today and know His love in new ways. You are His precious daughter!
Pearl @ Look Up Sometimes says
“When the attack began, I felt I had failed in my faith somehow and that’s why this was happening again.” Amelia, hugs and wow and thank you!
Amelia Rhodes says
Thank you, Pearl. Sending love your way today!
Stephanie says
Amen Amelia! From someone who suffers from anxiety, I am so grateful that you shared this! God bless you and have a joyous Christmas season celebrating the God who is always good and always with us ! ❤️❤️
Amelia Rhodes says
Oh Stephanie, thank you for sharing. We are not alone! May you have a blessed Christmas season and experience His closeness.
Penny says
Amelia,
Your post helped, thank-you.
Penny
Kathy Cheek says
Such an inspiring account of how God who is with us, works through us and not just for us but for those around us. Beautiful story!
Mary McCauley says
Oh I needed this today! It has been a rough couple of weeks with my glaucoma eyes and a small leak in one. Then today I lost my bank card or fell victim to a pickpocket, and have been feeling overwhelmed and having minor panic. Thanks for the reminder God is with me. It is so true! and I will continue to depend on Him to see me through. JESUS NEVER FAILS. My mom had that on a plaque in her house for years.
Beth Williams says
Amelia,
It is amazing how God works things out. One never knows why we are going through trials, but God always has a plan. I have personally witnessed psych & dementia issues in people. For me it was hard to deal with & see the person in distress. Prayed the person could be relieved of his pain by death. God said no! He chose instead to heal that person back to “normal”. In the process I was a witness to a miracle. Now I can relate to others going through this struggle. I can empathize with them.
Glad the talk went well. I find it nothing short of amazing that God used you to help that woman. He knew she needed to hear those words and you were His instrument. Thank you for being so willing to do that!
Blessings 🙂
Jen DenOuden says
We were so blessed to have you speak to us last year and share your “real” story. It resonated with so many of us (including me). Thank you for sharing here too!
Lawrence N Almengor says
I hate that anyone has panic attacks, and I hate that you had one after going so long without one. But, I love that you were able to recall God’s faithfulness to you in the past and stand on that for that present moment. And, then God used you so powerfully at the Christmas event to shed light and speak hope into someone else’s darkness. I love how God does that. It is so hard to walk through dark times, but I love that as believers we can count on two things: 1. God will be with us and 2. He will use it for our good and usually someone else’s, too.
Terry Gassett says
Amelia and Bev (and all of you precious ladies) Thank you for sharing your struggles so transparently! I too struggle with depression and anxiety and often have felt (and been told by well meaning Christian sisters) that if I had enough faith I would not struggle. Several years ago, I had a hysterectomy and shortly afterward fell and hit my head. Since then I have been in chronic pain and my anxiety has gone through the roof! There are days when I grow so weary of it all – BUT GOD -Emmanuel – is with me! His love and grace allow me to greet another day and experience his tender mercies which are new every morning! Blessings to each of you!
Angela says
I know what it’s like to have panic attacks. I feel embarrassed afterwards. Like a failure. Like my faith isn’t strong enough. Got diagnosed with PTSD a few months ago as a result of a traumatic childhood.
Helen Quadros says
Hello, how good to see your testimony!
A year ago I went through the same situation. It was terrible!
And you know, I realize that when panic wants to come back, especially when I’m overwhelmed with tasks.
I am a pastor with my husband, and I look after at least 150 women in our church, and many other churches …
I would like to talk more with you. If possible, would I have an email that I could contact with you?
Thanks.
I’m Helen, I live in Sao Paulo, Brazil.