My daughter comes to me with snot and tears streaked down her face and asks between wails, “Do you still love me, Mama? Even when I’m crabby?”
She then bursts into more sobs as I take her small frame onto my lap and wipe the hair out of her eyes. I slowly pet her back, her shaking chest and stroke those soft arms and use my sleeve to wipe her eyes.
I make her look at me.
I make her look up at me and into my eyes, and I tell her to listen carefully.
I speak the words slowly so that my five-year-old daughter can really, truly hear them and process them as fully as I want her to. I say, “Zoe, I love you when you’re crabby, and I love you when you’re happy. I love you the same when you’re mad and when you’re sad. I love you just as much when you are mean as I do when you are kind. Mamas always love their girls.”
And she sighs and snuggles closer and whispers, “Promise?”
So I hug her tighter. I wrap my arms and my life around her and tell her, “Can you feel that? Can you feel how tight I’m holding you?” And she nods snuffly into my chest.
“That’s how tight I love you,” I tell her.
And she can feel it. She can feel my solid arms strapped around her tiny frame. She can feel my legs under her body and my back and chest supporting her being. I am sandwiched around her, and I let that reality do the talking when I know my words haven’t quite sunk in yet.
I want her to know this deep, reassuring promise of a love that isn’t conditioned on good behavior. This love that doesn’t keep a list of all that she got wrong. This love is bigger than whether or not she stayed “on green” all day.
I give her my love as a gift, and I watch her tiny face try to process that she’s allowed to just reach out and receive it.
Because it’s easy to keep our own score, isn’t it?
Yesterday I was late getting the kids up, I lost my temper, and we didn’t properly hug good-bye, so today I’m a bad mom and don’t deserve to be loved.
Or today everything ran smoothly and kids laughed and leaned through the minivan window and kissed me good-bye, so today I get to feel worthy.
Maybe for you it’s keeping score of which days you lost your temper and which you didn’t. Or which days you got caught up on the laundry or which days you managed to put up with your boss with a good attitude or which days you snapped at that co-worker, ignored that annoying friend, or forgot to read your Bible. Again.
Which days you managed not to take a drink or which days you woke up in a bed you didn’t recognize. Which days you don’t even remember anymore. Which days your marriage was a drag and which days you wanted out and hated yourself for it.
We are good at keeping tabs on ourselves. We are relentless about our lists.
What we got right and what we got wrong and all the ways we try to make up for it, or do better next time until finally there’s an afternoon we just wind up on the bed crying because it’s so exhausting. It’s just so exhausting trying to live up to all the ways we hope make us worthy of being loved.
But that is not love.
That kind of list-keeping, always measuring, always bartering kind of life — that isn’t love.
This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” {1 John 4:10, italics mine}
This is the love that lets us off the hook. The love that burns our lists to the ground. The love that looks at everything we are and everything we’ve done and chooses to purposefully love us through it all. Not despite it all.
God’s wildly generous love looks you in the eyes, sees you and your exhaustion, and wraps both arms around you and holds on tight. All you have to do is receive the gift. Like the tired, cried-out toddlers that we are.
Because the thing is, nothing can disqualify us from how Jesus loves us.
I’m absolutely convinced that nothing — nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable — absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us. {Romans 8:39, italics mine}
All we have to do is believe it.
In the commuter lane or carpool, in your kitchen or cubicle, at your desk or in your bed. God’s love will meet you there and listen to you cry and then promise you that He loves you regardless.
God’s love knows you by name. Not by your lists of mistakes or regrets. But by name.
Beloved.
Leave a Comment
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Lisa,
Even my husband will say sometimes, “You know, you can be really hard on yourself.” It’s true, I can be my own worst critic. God is not pleased if I flog myself with my own stick. Just the opposite…He looks at me and says (I envision), “I made you. You are my highest and best creation. I formed you out of love and then sent my son to die for your sins. I see you through the blood of Jesus and in My view all the cracks are filled in.” I’m so thankful that I have a God who has already filled in the cracks – when I’m crabby, when I lose my patience, when I’m late for the game, or burn dinner, or complain to much. He even fills in the cracks when I completely lose it and say something I regret to someone I love. Jesus died for my sins…it is finished. It is not the cherry on top, to God, if I am hard on myself to boot. His love is steady, constant, unchanging no matter what I do. Knowing that nothing can separate me from His love allows me to walk in freedom…freedom from being hard on myself when I come up short. I envision God saying, ” It’s finished…I’ve filled in the cracks… I love you NO MATTER WHAT…go in peace and freedom.”
Blessings,
Bev
An says
Bev, thank you for these beautiful words from your heart 🙂
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Thanks An,
You always give such sweet encouragement!!
Blessings to YOU this day,
Bev xx
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Hey there Bev – I know right, why are we so hard on ourselves?! It seems like a life long learning – to let ourselves be loved.
Liza Stilwell says
That’s so true Lisa-Jo!
I’m going to make myself a note to pray that God would help me to receive his love! Right?!
Liza Stilwell says
Beautifully put!
Thank you for that!
May God abundantly bless you!
Tania says
Aw just read the thread of these comment and had a “I love you guys” kungfoo panda moment! Isn’t it amazing how we don’t know each other in the flesh but we can share our hearts! I feel loved and encouraged and hopeful just reading your words! Thank you girls!!
Tania from NZ (26and still no man!)
Michele Morin says
Oh.
Our kids so need the message that there’s nothing they can do to make us love them less . . . or more.
And this is the message that God repeats all throughout Scripture about His beloved children.
I needed to hear it today, myself.
Thank you.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
You and me both, Michele, I need to hear it every tired morning that sometimes feels like it’s set on repeat.
Jessica says
Wow!
That really hit home for me. I just had the same discussion with my daughter yesterday, but applying it to myself has never crossed my mind. I am constantly reviewing lists and how I come up short everyday. Thanks for putting things into perspective.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
“But applying it to myself has never crossed my mind” – right? Crazy how we can lavish love on our kids and then be surprised that God would want to do the same for us! 🙂
Grace says
On a day I woke feeling especially alone, sad and “not good enough”, this message is just what I needed. Thank you!
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Oh I’m SO glad to hear that, Grace!
Mary Ellen Wright says
Oh my goodness, Lisa Jo, this is a mirror re-write of the first chapter of the book I am writing, Surprised by His Love. I just put the finishing touches last night. It’s all about the chart my mom kept on the cupboard door, the chore chart. If we did the chores we got red marks. If we didn’t we got black ones, that crossed out the red ones. We also got behavior points one way or the other. At the end of the week our allowance was based on the remaining red marks.
I grew up with the sense of never being good enough. There were always black marks that erased my approval record. It wasn’t until I was in my 40’s that God repeated to me, almost verbatim, what you told Zoe.
I’m in my 70’s now and I’ve made some progress over the years, yet there are still tag tail remnants that surface.
This morning I woke up wondering if what I wrote was ‘good enough’ for publishing. Then I opened email and your new post. When I read your script I was shocked. It was as if you’d been here last night reading my text. I could almost hear Abba shouting, “Well done.”
You’ve given me the confirmation to keep writing and trusting that His love is unchanging. In His eyes we are all ‘good enough’ and loved beyond all we can imagine.
Thank you Lisa-Jo. <3
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Oh Mary Ellen! I can hear Him shouting, “Well done!” too. And just lavishing His beautiful red blood with all its marks of approval and acceptance and delight and radical, never giving up, never running out, never conditional love down around you. Tears in my eyes as I think of how proud He must be of you!!
Karen says
I can’t get past the fact that she is already 5…..good grief! 🙂 Now, to go back and read this again! 🙂
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Oh my word I KNOW!! You and me both 🙂
Steffanie Russ says
It’s so easy to be ruthlessly hard on ourselves at times. It’s true, we often hold ourselves to a much higher standard than we should. And, I’ve found this a hard habit to break! We’re none perfect and won’t be on this side of heaven. Still, I work on it and some days I fail, but I’m a work in progress after all. We all are! 🙂 Thanks for sharing. It’s always nice to be reminded that God loves us always, even on our messiest days when we’re not quite able to love ourselves. Let’s choose to believe that. We’ll be better for it~
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Yes, 100% work in progress and so grateful for a God who doesn’t give up on us!!
Kelli mcknight says
There is such freedom in the truth of knowing how deep and irrevocable Gods love for us is. To sink into that love on days we feel unlovable, is to walk in faith and discover a peace that makes me cry with gratitude. Thank you for your reminder today!
Lisa-Jo Baker says
You and me both, Kelli.
Mary Hegarty says
This is one of THE loveliest columns EVER! It actually brought tears to my eyes. Keep writing, my dear. You have been blessed with such insight and with this God-given gift, continue to bring happiness, courage, trust and love to all who read your words.
God bless you always!
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Oh Mary, thank you for that generous encouragement. It was a sweet gift today.
sarah ellen says
this message resonates well in my soul. will be passing it on to my precious sons today!
let us remember, though, it’s the love of God that draws us, His blood that saves us; but only obedience to His Word that will allow us to hear, “well done!” in the end.
yes, be loved… and finish faithful.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Amen and amen. Thanks for sharing, Sarah.
Pam says
This is deep-down-sink-into-my-heart rich. Thank you, Lisa-Jo!
Lisa-Jo Baker says
I love hearing that Pam.
Jeanne Takenaka says
Both of our boys are adopted. Each has struggled with a sense of belonging at one time or another. From the time they were small, I’ve told them (over and over) that there is nothing they can do to make me stop loving them. Sometimes I forget that God loves me that same way. Through certain situations in my own journey, I’ve come to see (and most of the time to believe) that God loves me—and each of us—perfectly, passionately, and completely. When we can embrace this truth, we can walk in a greater confidence that, even when we blow, it, we are loved. That even when we fall short, God loves us. I’m learning to walk this out daily. And I’m praying our boys understand this truth as well.
LOVED this post today, Lisa-Jo.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Yea, it seems God understands that we need to hear that message as many times over the course of our lives as our kids do. And I’m so grateful He never gets tired of telling us. Thanks for saying, hi today, Jeanne.
Peggy says
Oh Lisa-Jo … thank you so much … you will never know how this blessed me so
I don’t usually comment except in rare occasions when I am so moved and often I must admit I don’t always even follow my email over to (in)courage but today I was spirit led and my, oh, my how sweet HE spoke to me through your words and message (first to your precious daughter and then to us, so clearly, all of this resonated in me – I had just sent an email from afar to my husband back home for our 40th anniversary that we no longer celebrate. I will spare you the many details as I listen to playlists of romantic songs from our past we once shared … I so needed to hear the words “Beloved. God’s love knows you by name. Not by your lists of mistakes or regrets. But by name.” – yet the full context of your beautiful message will be engraved in my heart this year, keeping me firmly rooted in God’s perfect love (as I’m hearing “I did it my way” on the current playlist-sigh) Oh Father, forgive me for the times I failed and did it my way not Yours. Thank You so much for Your love and the embrace I sensed in Lisa-Jo’s touching example and message. Bless her and the (in)courage team that always are lifting us up, pointing us to You and Your love “The love that burns our lists to the ground. The love that looks at everything we are and everything we’ve done and chooses to purposefully love us through it all. Not despite it all.” So profound … thank you Lisa-Jo! ~Peggy
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Oh lovely Peggy – thank you for this tender note. And for your beautiful heart that has been loved so long and so faithfully by a God who treasures everything about you!
Crystal Storms says
Your words do my heart good, Lisa-Jo. Thank you. : )
“Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields [her] all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders.” Deuteronomy 33:12 (NIV, personalized)
Lisa-Jo Baker says
I love that personalized version of the verse – thanks Crystal!
An says
Oh Lisa-Jo, while its going to take time for this to sink in, I praise the Lord for these words that you gave. They are Him answering a prayer on how to stop being so hard on myself-something people have been saying to me lately. While repentance and discipline are so needed, the Lord is helping me to see that beating myself is not. With His love and grace, understanding that He loves me and nothing can take that, I can receive His forgiveness, learn, grow, move on. The evil one tries to get us stuck in shame, in doing better out of fear of the Lord’s punishment, not out of love for Him. Christ leads us to freedom 🙂 May we each feel His gentle love today in all our messes, mistakes, and foibles, holding out our hands for the grace to do better out of love for Him, basking in His love for us that is unchanging and enduring forever 🙂
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Yes and yes and I pray that you receive His words deep into your heart, precious, An.
Kathleen says
Having experienced and still experiencing so much rejection from children and husband and others that hard to hold onto the unconditional love of God. They tell others they know I love them and always will but give rejection and abuse in return. Appreciate these reminders.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
This verse came to mind for you, Kathleen: “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6.
Kathleen says
Thank you. ..one of my go-to verses.
Joanna @ Modern Ruth Project says
This was a beautiful post! Great writing! Wonderful reminder!
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Thanks Joanna!
Rebecca L Jones says
Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Do you not know yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you are disqualified. 2 Corinthians 13:5 We disqualify ourselves a lot don’t we?
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Way more than we should. Grateful for a patient God who keeps repeating His same, faithful messages of generous love over our lives.
Beth says
I’m pretty sure you preached this for me, and not for that sweet little girl. <3
Lisa-Jo Baker says
If that’s how you read it then I’m pretty sure too 🙂
Sarah says
This has brought tears to my heart this morning. I need remind myself daily that He does not keep score as I do.
That He alone can judge, yet He does not judge me. Not according to my sins. When I feel I am failing at all I do, I will read and re-read this to remind me of His grace and truth. Thank you Lisa. You are a beautiful mouthpiece of our Lord’s heart.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Oh Sarah so grateful this encouraged you and that as you say, “He alone can judge, yet He does not judge me.” What an amazing gift.
Paige says
Thank you for this, Lisa-Jo. I’m wallowing in mom-guilt this week. My oldest has a cast from a broken foot and I still have to send him to Martial Arts camp because I’m a working mom and have no where else for him to go. He is miserable sitting there all day not able to participate and even worse, he is self conscious about the crutches and cast and it hurts! Yet I have to drop him off there anyway and Satan starts whispering my failure at trying to find a way to stay home with them like the “good” moms do. We’ve stepped away from our home church because the Pastor feels if we allow our kids to go to public school then “God help us.” Sometimes Christians can be the most brutal. So thank you for reminding me today that God’s love for me and my family doesn’t depend on our choices or performance. As always I relate to your writing so much and it speaks to my heart.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Oh Paige, that mom guilt is the WORST. I can relate. And yes, sometimes church can feel like the loneliest place. Praying this week you find friendship in unexpected places – for your sweet boy too. That someone will come alongside and encourage and take the time to be with you in and through what often looks like a bleak journey. That somewhere along the week you’ll find unexpected comfort and encouragement.
Beth Williams says
Paige,
Prayers for you and your son. May God send a good friend to come alongside and encourage you. I pray God helps you find a church family that will love you and accept you as you are! May His peace, love and contentment come to you!!
Blessings 🙂
Shannan Martin says
SO good, LJ! You know I’m tracking with every word of this.
Beth Williams says
Lisa Jo,
I am super hard on myself. Constantly putting myself down or feeling not enough. Some days it’s like no one loves me, I know it’s crazy. I must remind myself of Psalm 139:14 and Genesis 1:26,27, 31. If I am made in the image of God then I am enough and loved. I must realize and accept this unconditional love from God!
Blessings 🙂
Kim says
I do not doubt God’s love for me, but I’m just not sure how to use that to help me on the days when my toddler goes into the baby’s room JUST after I FINALLY got her sleeping and I feel like I am drowning in laundry, mail, dishes, meals that need to be planned, and birthdays just around the corner. All of these things are a blessing, I know. I have two healthy kids, a home, a supporting and amazing husband but the busyness is so overwhelming sometimes.
Theresa says
Thanks for the reminder to quit keeping lists or what we have done or not done and instead look at ourselves through God’s eyes.