A few years ago I wrote a letter to my younger, newly-married self to tell her everything I wished she would have known about love before she said yes. While the story below is about my marriage, the verses about love are universal and can be applied to every woman: married, single, divorced, older, younger — it doesn’t matter.
Love transcends all and the Scripture weaved throughout the post below is intended to be read on occasions other than weddings and lived daily in all relationships, not just in the union of husband and wife.
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Dear Angela:
You did it. You realized a dream that formed in your heart during girlhood. You got married. Beauty and happiness filled your wedding day. And about that man you promised yourself to . . . let’s just say you chose well.
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. You don’t want to admit it . . . not to anyone . . . not even yourself, but you’re thinking it. You’re thinking that getting married might have been a big, fat mistake. You’re wondering whether you’re really “marriage material,” because the past six months haven’t exactly been a fairy tale.
It’s not that you don’t love your husband. You do. And it’s not that you doubt his love for you. You rightfully believe your new spouse adores you. In fact, knowing you are truly the only girl your man has ever loved still baffles you. To be someone’s first and only romantic love is a gift without price.
But what you don’t understand is the power love holds.
I’m not referring to love in its sugary, syrupy form. Don’t get me wrong: Having an abundance of passion and romance in a marriage is important. But that type of love isn’t enough.
Right now, I am talking about love that’s laced with grit and tenacity. The kind of love that is not limited by perception, personal desires, or tangible flaws. The kind of love that’s a choice and not a mere feeling.
I’m referring to agape love. God’s love. The very same love that conquered the cross on Calvary is the only type of love capable of clobbering the attacks that routinely assault marriages.
So here’s what I want you to do the next time you find yourself wondering if your marriage can survive:
Remember those eminent verses from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. You know the ones I am writing about, because they often are recited at weddings.
Angela, don’t just remember the words, live them.
Even when you’re exhausted.
Even when you’re sick.
Even when you’re hurt.
Even when you’re angry.
Even when you’re lonely.
Even when you’re tired of trying . . . tired of listening . . . tired of hoping.
You need to give love, accept love, and live in love.
Here are a few examples of actionable ways to love your husband according to God’s Word.
Love is patient. Earning his Ph.D. will take more than seven years (I know, sweetie, I know). Encourage him every step of the way. And after he does earn that title . . . well, life actually is going to get harder instead of easier. Breathe deeply and don’t give up.
Love is kind. Don’t allow your fears and feelings of inadequacy swindle you into thinking that it is acceptable to lash out at your husband.
Love does not envy. It does not matter how many of your friends moved into new houses with fancy furniture after their weddings. Don’t waste a moment fretting about what you want and what you do not have. Instead, look at that man who pledged his life to you, and thank God for the priceless gift of unconditional love.
Love does not boast. And love is not proud. Love your husband, but don’t try to out-love him. Marriage is not a competition. And when you make a mistake, admit it, apologize for it, accept forgiveness, and let it go.
Love is not rude. And love is not self-seeking. Respect your husband and appreciate the man God created. And as you implement ideas to honor him and make him feel special, do not do so in the hopes of winning something from him in return.
Love is not easily angered and it keeps no record of wrongs. Your first apartment together will measure less than 700 square feet. Believe it or not, you’ll live in smaller. As you read this, money is tight, and it gets even tighter. You and your husband won’t always agree. There will be plenty of opportunities for anger to barge in. Don’t allow it to get the upper hand. Ever. And when your husband makes a mistake, accept his apology and bury the mistake in a pit as deep as the one in which you would want your mistakes to reside.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
In short, love is powerful. So very powerful. Use that power as it was intended to be used. Wield love not like a weapon, but like a healing agent.
You see, when you exchanged promises and rings with the love of your life, you signed up “for better and for worse, as long as you both shall live.” And sometimes, there is a whole heap of worse before you see more of the better. But if you hold onto Christ and love as He commands, your marriage will be draped with grace and blessing.
It won’t be easy. Trust me, it will get messy and even downright ugly at times. But it will be worth it. It will be beautiful. And remember, you’re not in it alone.
Leave a Comment“If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.” {1 Corinthians 13:1-3}
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Angela,
This is beautiful. It gave me pause to think and consider that love is not just a warm and fuzzy feeling, it’s a pledge, and that pledge includes the “worse” as well as the “better”. I think I will copy/save and give to my daughter when she finds who she thinks is “the” guy. I especially liked the part about burying mistakes in a deep pit…as one who can hold a grudge, this is a great reminder for me!
Blessings to you and on your marriage,
Bev
Katherine says
This is an amazing post and I can totally relate to it. I’ve been married for almost 2 years (YAY) now, but there have been moments when I’ve felt like I’ve been failing as a wife. I feel blessed after reading this. Thank you!
TLJ says
Oh the PhD… 8 years and counting. Hoping he defends this year. (But not holding my breath). No house. Lots of being on hold. Lots of waiting.
Graham says
Amen. ..Amen, Angela. I can relate wholeheartedly. My husband & I have been married for 13 years, & this year has been the most difficult thus far. “Love is powerful. So very powerful. Use that power as it was intended to be used. Wield love not like a weapon, but like a healing agent.” I love these statements. No matter how much I have felt like giving up, I continued to pray, praise, & fast my way through. Thanks for this post. Your words have truly resonated with me.
JeanneTakenaka says
Angela, such beautiful words and thoughts. Love is truly an action word, isn’t it? We have to choose to love during the hard in our relationships. I love what you said about how it’s only as we cling to Jesus that we can truly love well, that we’ll know and experience His grace in our marriages.
Thanks for sharing this today!
Rebecca Jones says
I think the vows should be different, it’s good to write your own. Wouldn’t for better and better, be nice or obey the Lord? Agape comes from Him, our love would never be enough. But I like the phrase, wield love not like a weapon, but like a healing agent. I have admittedly been having trouble with that, trying to explain some feelings, and truths.
Beth Williams says
Angela,
Loved the letter you wrote. it takes three to make a good marriage great. God must be a central part of the equation. Only with God’s help can we squash arguments and forgive flaws. There will be times you feel like throwing in the towel, but by the grace of God you keep going. As a sweet wedding gift a group of single women got me 1 Corinthians 13:4-6 beautifully framed with flowers at the bottom. It hangs in my bathroom as a reminder!
Blessings 🙂
Joanna @ Modern Ruth Project says
I absolutely love this!! Thanks for sharing!
Jenny Howell says
Ohhhh the burial of mistakes….yes. I wish lots of things for my newly married self 20 years ago. This was beautiful.