“But You are a shield around me, Oh Lord; You bestow glory on me and lift up my head.”
{Psalm 3:3, NIV}
The other shopper approached as I carefully selected my vine-ripened tomatoes. I felt his stare before I heard his words.
“What’s wrong with your face?” he probed incredulously. “What happened to you?”
Perhaps it was poorly worded innocent curiosity, but his words cut deep. Like bullets from a sharpshooter’s weapon, each letter pierced through my already fragile spirit. I reached for the ledge to steady myself and willed the tears not to fall.
It had been months since my last operation. Friends and co-workers said they could hardly tell I ever had surgery, let alone twenty-something of them. It started at the age of eighteen. A watery eye and stuffy nose led to a cancer diagnosis, a tumor growing from the underside of my brain and filling my sinus.
Fifteen years later, I continue to deal with its painful repercussions.
I stared at him stunned, my mind frozen and racing at the same time. Did he really just ask me that? Am I that ugly, that hideous a stranger would stop me to inquire about my face? My hand threatened to catapult a tomato at him, but the rest of me just longed to disappear. Eventually, I stammered something about cancer and stumbled away embarrassed and humiliated. I left the store teary eyed and wounded, with my chin buried in my chest, not making eye contact with anybody.
Over time, my body recovered from its hunched posture, but my spirit struggled. The shopper questioned my appearance that day, but his words, as words so often do, seeped deeper. He asked, “What’s wrong with your face?” But what became lodged into every cell of my body was, “What’s wrong with you?”
What’s wrong with you?
How often is that layered into a look, a comment, or a question I receive? How often am I on the giving rather than the receiving end?
Whether spoken or not, we hear it frequently, don’t we? You’re inadequate. You’re not enough. You don’t measure up. There’s something wrong with you . . .and not just with what you do, but who you are. And each time we hear it, our spirit retreats, chin buried, not making eye contact with anybody.
But there are those moments when we become quiet and sense God come close.
He sees our stooped posture and downcast eyes, and with fingers tenderly placed under our chin, He gently lifts up our head until our tear-stained eyes meet His. Softly He brushes back our hair to more fully see our face. There is no shame, no surprise, no shock in His gaze.
He sees us — not just the person we created to be accepted and protected, but the person He created when He first dreamed us into being.
He reminds us that He is our shield against the wounds of life. Without saying a word, He bestows glory on us, in us, through us, until we’re absolutely glowing. We have significance. We have worth. We have beauty. Simply because we are His.
[linebreak]
Related: Carry your favorite hot or cold drink with you wherever you go in this fun travel mug and be reminded daily that you are Beautiful Beyond Words.
Leave a Comment
Louise says
Dear Nicole, I’ve had cancer too. My face is also scarred. its not what I expected. But I see his glory through it. On days, when I’m not feeling so beautiful – I think of his scars. And I know I’m in the sharing. Have a blessed day xx
nicole mills says
Thank you, Louise. What a wonderful reminder to think of His scars. May we continually remember our true beauty and what we look like in His eyes. Blessings to you!
LaDonna says
Nicole, thank you for sharing this painful experience and what you learned through it. You have helped broaden my perspective which has allowed God’s love to pour into my heart this morning. For awhile now I have wrestled with a thought, perhaps God desires me because of “what He can do with me after He’s done making me better” but based on other facts I knew to be true I knew this idea or thought was just not right. Now because of what you have shared I understand that God doesn’t desire me because of what I will be once I’m transformed into something better, God desires me because He knew me before I was touched by sin and in spite of my filth He still sees the beautiful creation He created me to be. Because God is good He makes things beautiful – He can take the brokenness in me and weave into something as beautiful as what He originally created me to be. He is not willing to toss me aside to the discard pile that is why He has continued His pursuit of me. Thank you for sharing and allowing God to use your words to draw me nearer to Him. Blessings to you!
nicole mills says
Dear LaDonna, Thank you. He has and will continue His pursuit of you because you are His beautiful daughter. I pray the truth of your belovedness continues to sink deep into your soul. He loves you.
Camille says
I love the last four lines.. Thank you for this reminder 🙂
Camille
nicole mills says
Thank you, Camille. I’ve repeated the last four lines to myself a number of times since writing them. May we always remember that we are His.
Nancy says
Thank you for sharing from your heart. God blessed me today through you.
nicole mills says
Thank you for your reply, Nancy. I am awed and touched that God has used my words to bless people!
Rebecca Jones says
There’s noting wrong with you, (sounds like Isaiah 53 is at work) just with people’s lack of compassion, ignorant curiosity and sometimes just cruelty. He will give you beauty for ashes, Isaiah 61:3, you are a crown of beauty, Isaiah 62:3. And if you want to be a nun, well,
maybe you should be expecting God to send you the perfect husband, even if you were kidding.
nicole mills says
Rebecca, thanks for the encouragement. Many people just aren’t aware what they are doing or the impact they are having. I would love the perfect husband! In the meantime, I will wait in expectancy for whatever He was, knowing He will bring all that I need. Many blessings to you.
Sarah Coleman says
What beautiful words and humble revelation. Thank you for sharing your story. Hold your head high, child of God. You have a glorious testimony of grace.
nicole mills says
I hear great tenderness and strength behind your words. Thank you for your encouragement, Sarah! We all have a glorious testimony of grace to share, don’t we?
Marissa says
Thank you for sharing your story. God sees you as the beautiful person that you are. God delights in you! God bless you Ms. Nicole!
nicole mills says
You are welcome! Some days it’s so hard to believe that we have beauty, significance and worth.Thank you for the reminders. We each His beautiful daughters! Thank you, Ms. Marissa!
Beth Williams says
Nicole,
You spoke right to my heart!! “What’s wrong with you?” I may not have heard those words, but I’ve heard similar things or made mistakes. That’s all it takes for the evil one to whisper to me ” you’re dumb, not smart, ugly, why bother trying”! I tend to believe them!! Each day I make a conscious effort to pray hard and do whatever it takes to distill that voice within!!
Absolutely loved this line: He sees us — not just the person we created to be accepted and protected, but the person He created when He first dreamed us into being. I must remember He knew before I was knit in my mother’s womb! He loves me warts and ALL!!
Blessings 🙂
nicole mills says
Yes, Beth! Warts and all! I love that! We are sinners saved by grace, but first and foremost, we are His beautiful children. Blessings!