Since we’ve been given the biblical mandate that we all belong to each other {Romans 12:5, NLT}, this fall at (in)courage we wanted to spend some deliberate time together unpacking what that means.
To focus on what it means to love my neighbor as myself.
To open our hearts for dialogue about what it might look like to walk around in someone else’s shoes.
So we’re hosting a conversation here every Wednesday for the next few weeks about what it looks like to do life in a way that reflects the timely truth that we actually are better together. Won’t you join us as we invite writers from our community to share what doing life Better Together has looked like in real time for them?
And then consider what living life — like we are better together — might look like for you too.
[linebreak]
My friend Michelle DeRusha and I both posted a variation of this question on our Facebook timelines: If you were to ask us a question about navigating and nurturing a cross-cultural friendship, what would you want to know?
We received a generous number of responses — far too many to address in a single blog post –and a couple of themes emerged from the thread. Today, as part of (in)courage’s Better Together series, we are addressing a couple of these themes as they relate to our cross-cultural friendship.
How much do you see each other through the lens of color? Is that an integral part of your friendship, and does it need to be?
MICHELLE: A couple of weeks ago I listened to an On Being podcast with the poet Elizabeth Alexander, who said this: “The African American experience is one way of telling the American story and it’s a profoundly centered way of telling the American story. In fact, if you don’t get it and if you move around it in some way, if you don’t pass through it, I think [you] will profoundly misunderstand America.”
Alexander is speaking broadly, but I think something similar can be said about person-to-person relationships too.
I’d be lying if I told you color was not a part of my friendship with Deidra at all. It is, and that’s not inherently a bad thing.
I define myself as a person of Irish, English, and French ancestry, a native of New England, a former unbeliever turned Christ-follower, a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a writer — these elements are all pieces of my bigger story. To ignore that Deidra is black, to claim I don’t see color, would be to ignore an important piece of her story. Because I love her and respect her, I want to acknowledge and understand that piece of her story in ways that I hope will make me a better friend, someone who more deeply understands who she is, where she comes from, and what forms the fabric of her being.
In the beginning of our friendship, I was much more conscious of the fact that Deidra is black and I am white.
I was more cautious about what I said or the topics I broached. I was leery of getting into awkward territory. As our friendship has grown and deepened, though, what once might have been awkward — a discussion of the shooting of Michael Brown in Ferguson, for instance – is now much more natural. I’m still conscious of the fact that Deidra is black, but that consciousness has shifted toward empathy and understanding.
I want to talk to Deidra about racism because I care about her and want to be tuned in to that part of her story.
We have a choice. We can move around the difficult parts of a person’s story, the parts that might make us feel uncomfortable or awkward, or we can move toward those parts and lean into them, pass through them, as Elizabeth Alexander says.
Just as leaning in to the African American experience will lead to a deeper understanding of America, leaning in to a person’s whole story will make for a richer, deeper, more authentic friendship.
How do you talk honestly about tough topics like racism without feeling awkward or being afraid of offending the other person?
DEDIRA: Michelle and I didn’t start out talking about race. I think it’s really important to stress the fact that we’ve built a friendship, first.
We have a lot in common, and that’s where we began. We are both writers who blog. We are both transplants to Nebraska. We are each married, with two children, and one dog apiece. So, that’s where we started. As friends.
Eventually, however, as we grew closer, we began to share more of our lives with one another. We met each other’s families. We ate meals together. We traveled together. We worshiped together. We each navigated grief in different seasons. Together, we peeled back the layers on some of our thoughts and we pressed past the awkwardness to ask difficult questions. We shared perspectives and experiences that were sometimes difficult to own.
Built on a foundation of what we had in common, our friendship took tentative steps into the places where we are different: Michelle likes structure. I like to take things as they come. Michelle is tall. I am not. I like loud gospel music. Michelle thrives when there is liturgy. I am black. Michelle is white.
Either we lean into all of who the other person is, or we don’t. Either we acknowledge and honor the differences between us, or we ignore them and, by extension, cut short the potential for experiencing the fullness of the relationship — the depth of the friendship.
As Michelle and I have reflected together on some of the more difficult topics we’ve broached over the years, we each realize it’s the person initiating the conversation who finds it the most awkward.
Recently I admitted to Michelle a bias I have held and found difficult to shake. It was embarrassing to confess these things to my friend, and I could feel the anxiety rising within my chest. But Michelle was not fazed. She gave me wise counsel and encouragement, and we moved on to other things. Ultimately, I had overestimated the “awkwardness factor” in that conversation, but I never would have known that if I hadn’t broached the subject with Michelle anyway.
Truth is, awkwardness is part of every relationship. But we can’t give awkwardness the power in the friendships we’re building. While awkwardness is difficult to press through, pressing through is exactly what we should do, once a solid foundation of trust has been built. Pressing through — or, as Michelle reminds us — passing through is precisely where our relationships find their depth, their richness, and their authenticity.
“But, what about offending each other?” you may be asking. Well, there’s always the fear of offending our friends. So, let me encourage you with these words:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
{1 Corinthians 13:4-7, emphasis added}
Because of the work we’ve put into our friendship, I trust Michelle’s motivations when she talks to me about difficult topics, like racism (or the benefits of building structure into my day). I have hope that she only desires good things for us and so, the possibility that she’d intentionally offend me is zero. But again, that is based on our friendship, which began by focusing on what we have in common and grew in trust, honesty, and solidarity.
The idea of pressing or passing through our differences is not the same as pushing through. We press only as much as there is “give.” We pass only where the way is opened before us. For those who are on the other side of that exchange, we soften our posture and we open the doorway when it feels safe. We make slow progress in the difficult topics while, at the same time, we are building bridges in safer ones.
In a 2012 On Being podcast (our love of this podcast is something else Michelle and I have in common), Krista Tippet interviewed Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, who said, “[We] are enlarged by the people who are different from us.”
It is a profound thought, and it calls each of us to invite God to broaden our horizons, to expand our view, to stretch us, by teaching us how to pass through the differences of those who journey with us — but not like us.
The direct result of passing through is that we each stand as better, richer, more complete representations of God’s image in the world.
[linebreak]
Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Deidre and Michelle,
Thank you so much for this candid dialogue. How true that “We are enlarged by the people who are different from us.” I have friends of different color, faith, and ethnicity and I do think that naturally I shy away from the “awkward”. I need this reminder to press, not push through it. Awkwardness, at first, is not bad…it’s just a “slow speed” sign that says move lovingly and gracefully here. I also agree that building a relationship first is paramount. Establishing trust then gives us permission to ask the difficult questions. I know personally, my life is truly enriched, the more I engage and do life with people who are different from me. Ironically enough, when we press in to the differences we often find we have more things in common. Thanks for a much needed and beautifully offered post!
Blessings to you both,
Bev
Michelle DeRusha says
I absolutely love what you say about the awkwardness of those initial conversations simply being a reminder to move a little more lovingly and gracefully, Bev – I hadn’t ever thought about it quite that way before, but it will help me be a little less afraid of that awkwardness next time I come face to face with it. Thank you!
Jenni DeWitt @ Genuflected.com says
Love you both! What a treat to click over and see your smiling faces this morning. This is a beautiful tribute to true, deep friendship. I’ve been pondering lately my friendship with Jesus. I feel Him pressing and only passing when I am open. I’ve been praying He will help me be more open. Your description here made me smile and helped me understand. Thank you! Always a blessing to learn and grow with you two.
Michelle DeRusha says
Hi Jenni, It’s been a delight to get to know you a bit better over these last few months. Thank you for your kind words, friend. And I really like what you are saying about your friendship with Jesus, and your prayer for openness. I tend to approach God and Jesus a little more formally (probably a product of my liturgical upbringing), and sometimes I an envious of those who seem to have such a close, open relationship with him. My prayer recently is a similiar one: Lord, help me to really know you.
awestruck wong says
I am an Asian married to an American since June 2012. It has been a very challenging journey. When we were living in Chicago, there was no problem with building relationships because Chicago is a multi-ethnic society. We moved to Indiana in March 2013. That began my challenge. Seems like it is more difficult for Asians to mix around in predominantly white and black community compared to a multi-ethnic city like Chicago. Is that true?
Then we moved to Kansas city, Missouri in Sept 2014, the challenge continues. I was in despair at one point but thank God who hears the cries of our hearts, intervened and brought me to a deeper intimacy in a seemingly isolated environment. I began to grow out of such deep loneliness. Now, I have found one friend who is a white American. She is different as she reaches out to people of all walks of life. It is a bug step for me. I am going to keep moving ahead. Your articles have greatly encouraged me to move on. Thank you!
Michelle DeRusha says
I think your observations about parts of the Midwest are true. There is certainly much less ethnic diversity here in Lincoln, Nebraska than there is in Chicago or on either coast (I am originally from Massachusetts and Deidra has lived in Detroit and on the east coast as well). I was recently chatting with an Asian-American acquaintance here in Lincoln, who told me when she first went to college (here in Nebraska), her roommate admitted to her that she had never met an Asian or even an Asian American person before. I think there is just much less exposure to and connection with different ethnicities and cultures and therefore less comfort around reaching out to those who are different. There is familiarity and comfort in sameness, you know? Which doesn’t make it right of course, but does help me understand why people are sometimes reluctant to reach out to those who are different. I am heartened to hear that you are slowly but surely making friends, and I pray that others will reach out to connect with you in a meaningful way as you continue to grow your roots in Kansas City. Grace and peace to you on the journey, friend.
KimberlyCoyle says
Brilliant and wise, just like the two of you! Thanks so much for sharing this portrait of a friendship. I hope all of my friendships–cross-cultural and otherwise share the depth and richness of yours.
Michelle DeRusha says
Thanks, Kimberly – you know how much D. and I both love you! Deidra has been hands-down the greatest blessing to come out of my move from Massachusetts to Nebraska (well, besides the fact that my relocation also played a large part in my reunion with God after a 20-year hiatus!).
Deidra says
We do! We love you!!!
JeanneTakenaka says
Deidre and Michelle, I so appreciate your post. It reminded me of a book that came out many years ago by Randy Alcorn, called Dominion. In the course of the story, two men, one who’s black and one who’s white explore the aspects of a cross-cultural friendship. Listening to that book (on CD) really challenged me to see life, our culture, relationships with different eyes. I have a lot to learn in this regard, but I so appreciate your vulnerability about how your friendship began and how it’s grown over years. Learning that you were each safe for the other to be real must have been pivotal in deepening your friendship.
Thanks for the reminder to embrace all of the differences that make up a person’s story.
Thanks also for the encouragement to push through the awkward. Awkwardness can make us worry about failing, in some way. But usually, if we press through, the blessings of authenticity follow.
Deidra says
Jeanne, I often quote a line in a book by Randy Alcorn. I always say it came from his book, Deadline. But, maybe it was Dominion? Was it about how race is like marinade for people of color, but a condiment for white people? I love that quote!
Thanks for your words about the way awkwardness leads to authenticity. That’s such a great visual. It’s hard to remember there’s something on the other side of the awkwardness, and it’s usually worth pressing through to see it.
Dr. Helen Abdali Soosan Fagan says
Awesome! Love seeing this friendship flourish!
Love you both,
Helen
Katie says
Thank you for the candid insights; I so appreciated this! One of my closest friends is Hispanic…and I obviously am not. But one amazing thing I’ve noticed over the years is that I really don’t even notice our differences any more. I actually have to work to remember them so I’m not unintentionally thoughtless or offensive. But as you said, our friendship is also rooted in time spent getting to know each other well, so even if those awkward or thoughtless moments arise there is a host of grace as we seek to love each well. Friendship is always worth pushing through the awkward for!
Deidra says
It’s true that over time, the similarities outweigh the differences. And, friendship is definitely a great environment in which to grow our understanding of differences so that we can celebrate them in and with one another. The truth is, we all misspeak or find ourselves face-to-face with some idea we didn’t realize we held. Thankfully, grace and compassion have wide shoulders and can carry us through so much of our unintentional failings. When we can trust our friends with even our most uncomfortable attributes, that’s where we find space to grow the most.
Beth Williams says
Deidre and Michelle,
Great post on nurturing friendships of cross -culture! I am German, English, and Scottish by decent. I was born in Toledo, OH and have lived in southern. states most of my life. in 1995 we moved to upper E. TN (Johnson City/Bristol) from Tampa FL. Talk about culture shock! I came from an area with numerous black people to an area with almost none! For me making friends takes a lot of time. The way I go about it is to invest time and effort asking simple questions about family, and the basics. Then When I feel comfortable I probe a little deeper to get to know the “real authentic” you!
My background includes 15 years working at a local university. You will certainly see a lot of diversity there. We had students from Asia, India, Egypt, Saudi Arabia to name a few. In dealing with them you just treat them as you want to be treated!!
Blessings 🙂
ThandiweW says
Yay! Two of my favorite people living life authentically, the way it should be done. Michelle and Deidra, thank you for your wise and loving words. When people dismiss color/race/ethnicity in relationships, it is a classic microagression, and it inadvertently creates distance born of discomfort. When we connect as people first, all of the other elements of who we are seem naturally to fall into line. This is absolutely a primer on being both brave and authentic. Amen!
What would Jesus do? This.
Love y’all,
Chelle
Michele Morin says
This honesty and love feels as if someone just opened a window in a stuffy room. Demographics here in Maine are pretty homogenous, so I’ve got miles to go and lots to learn, but I’m loving the conversation.
Dena Dyer says
I so admire the ways you unpacked this here. It’s hard work, the building of an authentic friendship, and yet it’s well worth it. I’m grateful that you have both “leaned in” and continue to lean in to each other. You each inspire me in different ways, and my life has been enriched by the perspectives you’ve generously shared online and in real life. Thanks for honestly sharing some of the risks you’ve taken–and the rewards you’ve gleaned–in pressing through the differences. Love you both!
Webbgurl2000 says
Thank you, Ladies. I’ve always felt that cross cultural friendships can enrich us. I’m from the South, so that can still be difficult, but there’s something wonderful that happens when I’ve refused to let race keep me from befriending another.
Many times, I’ve felt more accepted by sisters from other misters because I am not Basic Black.
I love many different books, movies, music..etc.